Not Sure Where This Belongs

Hi All,

I'm not sure where this belongs... So please feel free to move it if you'd like....

I guess I'm just venting or grumbling or complaining or expressing myself because I'm not quite sure who to tell this to .   

I have been in the UK since December 2002  and in December 2003 my husband and I married.   I have had my good and bad days here and generally I like it here.. But I'm having a real hard time of it this weekend.  As some of you may or may not know my husband is in the Royal Navy.   Since I've been here I don't think I've spent more then 3 weeks with him at one time.   Since we've been married I think we have been together collectively maybe 2/3 weeks at most.   The last time I saw Dave was Easter weekend.   Today I spoke to him for the first since Tuesday afternoon and I'm not quite sure when I will speak to him again never mind seeing him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm really having trouble this weekend coping with this.     I've seen him once since March, he was due home on the 20th of this month but now that's up in the air. And in August he leaves for the Falklands for 6 months.   I find myself so very angry at the whole situation.   And when I try to find out if he knows anything I end up getting upset with him for not knowing anything and then I feel really guilty about getting upset at him when I know it's not his fault.   I hate that my life is full of so may uncertainties.   My Birthday is at the end of this month and I was invited to go up to Scotland for the weekend if he isn't home but I can't even plan that because I don't know whether he'll be home or not.   

This week I started my first UK job and when I came home I just felt so depressed when I should have been really happy because all I wanted to do was tell him what a great day I had and about the people I met. But I couldn't even call him to tell him this.   

Have any of you been through this?  How did you cope?  How can I keep from getting upset with him and just bringing our few phone calls into just a depressing mess? 

I know this situation is not forever, I know he'll be home (well hopefully we won't be stationed away from home) in January for 2 years. I don't know I guess this doesn't really have a point except to say thank you for listening.

Thanks,

Maureen

Ah Maureen! I so know the pain of being in a military family!  While we never had such long separations it is very hard to maintain your sanity at times.  My SIL is the the same boat as you.  Her husband is a submariner on a nuke so when he goes on board there are weeks and months without any news.  They are moved about a lot and sometimes they do not know one day to the next where he will be or for how long.  Her solution?  She bought a horse!  Not that that is a good thing for everyone mind you!
 

Heck I have no answers.  I wish I did.  The best thing I know of is to complain to other wives in your situation and to work and try to keep going each day.  Are you in contact with the other wives? Journaling also can be a great help.  If you don't like to write you could do video journals or just tapes.  Letters to him that you can bundle up and send when you know where he is or when he gets home.  It's a way of keeping him abreast of the day to day things he is missing.

It is hard not to vent and worry him on the phone, but do keep trying.  It's his job and he is doing what he was sworn to do.

In the meantime lots of hugs from me and I wish you all of the strength and peace of mind in the world to get through these moments.  Good luck on the new job too!   

Goodness Maureen, what a lot to deal with, besides the usual moving experience, you've also had to go through most of it alone. You've got a lot of inner strength to have made it this far, you have every right to be frustrated.

I hope that someone will be able to contribute some good advice to you, we have a few military family members about. I just wanted to lend some moral support and (((hugs))) for what you're going through.

Congrats on your new job, you know you can always tell us about it. I'd love to hear about your first day.

Thanks, Leah and VNicepeeps,

I don't know why it's upsetting me so much this weekend. I guess probably because I know he's leaving for 6 months soon and we have very little time left to spend. But that's just the way it goes!

To answer your question Vnicepeeps I haven't been in touch with the other wives because even though his ship is a Portsmouth based ship it's been in refit since last September in Scotland.  And they tend to try to place people geographically closer (except in Dave's case) so the majority of the wives are up North or in Scotland.  There is one guy in Dave's mess that lives down here but he doesn't like him so that kind of kills that idea.  If he were on a larger ship it probably would be easier but he's on a very small ship with 50 people.

Thanks, Leah, my first day was most excellent. Until the end of February this year I was working for the same company that I worked for in NY but just from home here.   So it was really great to be in an office atmosphere again. Everyone was just so friendly and I guess I was just so excited to be socializing with other people.  I've met a good few people since I've been here but nothing beats working and feeling productive..  I'm so very happy that I was able to get this position.. I know it will help me in the coming months.

Thank you guys for listening..   You have no idea how much I appreciate it..

Maureen

Maureen, the horse idea might not be a bad one. Erm, I mean the idea of a pet. I know there are times when I come home to an empty house, my cat is there to listen to me.

I hope soon you'll meet people at your work to be able to do things with socially. And, don't forget, we sometimes get together on UKY as well.

Maureen, I just wanted to offer a hug - you are going through extraordinary circumstances, I can't even imagine. I don't have any words of wisdom, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry it's been so rough for you here, and we're all here so vent as much as you like... (hug)

Hi Maureen

I grew up in a military family and my ex was in the Marine Corps. The ex was gone all the time and spent almost a whole year in Japan, without me. At the time, I thought that it was worth it, and saw an end to it when his enlistment was up. Of course, when the enlistment was up, he wanted to stay in. That was the beginning of the downward slope to divorce for us.

I guess it's an instance of evaluating what's important to you and him. Is he a career man or in it to get a jump start into something else? If he is a career man, can you see yourself living like this for the next 20 or so years. Hard questions I know. I am sure you have already addressed them.

I do know exactly how you feel. I never felt so lonely as when I was married to him. I cannot imagine how you are coping with this in a foreign country. Hats off to you! What a strong person you must be.

(((Giant Hugs)))). I am glad that you had a terrific day at work.

If you ever feel the need to chat, we are here for you.

Jenny

  Just wanted to add another 

Hi Maureen

Not sure I can offer any helpful advice but I just wanted to say it is amazing what you have done, moving here to get married knowing your husband would be away so much. I can only imagine how tough it must be to cope with that in a new environment.

We are friends with a couple where the husband is in the navy and away a lot but his wife actually likes it that way which I think is a little sad!

I think it is important to let your husband know how you are feeling. There might not be a lot he can do to change the situation but at least you can talk about it together and discuss the options.

Take care

Liz

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for your help, hugs, and advice!!!

I'm feeling loads better today.. I think I was just feeling a bit sorry for myself yesterday...

Dave is a career man but he only has 6 years left before he retires. We have already discussed that once his time is up it's up and that's the end of the Navy.  Once he returns from the Falklands he will more then likely be posted at the base around the corner for about 2 1/2 years. He really only has one more tour on a ship left.  He wasn't meant to be away for this long he was meant to be back by now.. But things have a way of changing.

As for a pet well that's a difficult thing as Dave's daughter has many allergies including allerigies to pets.. 

For now I will just keep myself busy and I have no doubt everything will be alright...

Thanks guys for listening!!!

Maureen

Just another hug.  Whenever you get this feeling, let it out here, sometimes just knowing there are people who care helps with feelings of isolation you may be expirencing. Been there, and own the t-shirt.

hugssss

Glad to hear your feeling better Maureen

Just another hug.  Whenever you get this feeling, let it out here, sometimes just knowing there are people who care helps with feelings of isolation you may be expirencing. Been there, and own the t-shirt.

   That is  right 

Hi Maureen.  Glad the crisis part is over for now.  I give you so much credit for moving here with Dave being away.  I'm sorry its turned out the way it has.  But if you didn't know your own strength before well surely you've impressed yourself now.  You are amazing resilient.  Do you have Dave's daughter with you all the time?  If not and he's not in town do you still get to see her? 

I'm glad to help you celebrate your new promotion as well.  Congrats there.  I haven't braved getting a job yet.  But I'll be looking to start looking soon.  I'm finding less reasons to stay in the house.  I've been here a month.  While not being lonely.  I feel pressures to start helping contribute to my household.  We are hoping to find a house in another month or so. 

Could you contact those other wives even though they are in Scotland like you have contacted us?  Do you know them at all?  Remember Maureen to write anytime. 

Hi Maureen, I mostly just wish to add some hugs for you...  I wish I had some good advice for you...but in this matter I am not experienced...  great that you have a new job though...and hopefully it will keep you occupied so that the next several months pass quickly until your honey is home for 2 years (hopefully)

Hi Guys,

Thank you for listening and for all of your support! I'm feeling loads better now especially as I'm beginning to settle into a routine with work.   I miss Dave horribly but work is helping ease that.     

I heard from Dave yesterday and he's hoping to be home on the 28th, the day before my Birthday, otherwise he'll be home on the Monday.. So I need good happy thoughts for him to come home on the 28th!  It will be my first time ever spending my b-day with him and something I would really love. 

Thanks again for everything!

Maureen