Helping to Cope

My boyfriend and I have been together for roughly two years.  I'm in DC finishing college before I can move to Northern Ireland to be with him.

His father passed away last week after roughly a month in a coma in France due to a car accident (long, complicated story).  His father has been sent back to N.I. and the funeral is on Tuesday.


To make things worse, his mother passed away when he was 12. He's 25 now.

Because of the hurried fashion in which funerals are carried out, and because I can't leave school without major consequences grade-wise, I cannot go over for the funeral.

How can I let him know that I'm there for him without actually being there? I'm having a really hard time being in the states when he's going through so much.  I feel like there should be a way to be there and let him know that I'm there to help.  It seems like things like this should take priority over school, but unfortunately the university does not agree.

I'm so sorry for what you and your boyfriend and his family are going through. I think the best way to let him know you are there without actually being there is just to let him talk. No matter how graphic, crazy, or weird just let him talk and get whatever he's thinking off his chest. I know after my sister died I had some horrible grim thoughts and my boyfriend at the time (6 years together) was not here for the funeral. He wasn't much help in the emotional help either. I felt like he didn't understand and wouldn't know what to say so I didn't go to him after the first time I did and basically got nothing.

I've always been told death especially of someone who's close to you can either tear a couple apart or bring them closer together. It just depends on how you show your support and love. I remember people asking me "how are you?"...me being me just said "I'm ok"...when I really wasn't.

Send a card or a flower/plant to the funeral? While working at the flower place I worked I noticed a lot of people sending gifts because they couldn't be there. It was a way of acknowledging what was happening. Cards are nice though...we still have EVERY single card that was given/sent through the mail. Flowers die but it's a nice gesture. The only plant or flower I remember getting was actually not even here for me to see. It was a tree in memory of my sister in the Caledonian Forest actually sent to my family by a fellow uk-yankee member.

Don't say he's in a better place...most people don't think so. A better place is being with the family and people that love that person.

The best is just letting him talk...really it's the best thing. Even if he just wants to call you and not even talk just sit there...then let him.

Good luck with everything and I'm really sorry your school won't let you go. Can I ask how come?? Most of the time they just ask for proof...when my great grandmother died they needed just the clipping from the newspaper regarding her death. Well...the teacher did.  but I think she was more nosey then anything.

People have been giving him the "..it's God's will" speech, and I know that doesn't make anything better.  I also have a hard time believing it's God's will to make someone an orphan, but I guess that's just a question of faith.

Attendance at my university is mandatory in lectures. They give us roughly 3-5 classes we're allowed to miss per semester (depending on how often the class meets), and I am taking a very heavy course load.  I can't even afford to miss an entire day of lectures, let alone a few days. 

I went through this with my DF, his mother passed away after a battle with uterine cancer. it happened just a few days before he had a flight out to visit me because they thought she was in remission and just before my birthday, it was devastating. I didn't know what to do either, I just did my best to be there for him online and on the phone and I didn't pressure him to talk about it, I just let him talk about it at his own pace.

I don't think there is anything you can really do to lessen what he is going through other than being there for him. With time things were less hard for him but he still sometimes gets really sad she won't be around for holidays and won't ever get to see his children if we have any. It's just a difficult thing and everyone processes the grief in their own way and time.

<hugs> to you, it will be difficult, you just got to remember if he gets angry or is sad or seems to act as if he is fine when you know he is not you just gotta try and be accepting of how he deals with it =(

I never seemed to know what to say to him about it other than I loved him and I was there for him any time.

People have been giving him the "..it's God's will" speech, and I know that doesn't make anything better.  I also have a hard time believing it's God's will to make someone an orphan, but I guess that's just a question of faith.

That is so...ugh. It's the very last thing you want or need to hear during that time. I think I would have been just flabbergasted & angry if someone said that too me. Sometimes people are completely insensitive. Think before you speak...

Attendance at my university is mandatory in lectures. They give us roughly 3-5 classes we're allowed to miss per semester (depending on how often the class meets), and I am taking a very heavy course load.  I can't even afford to miss an entire day of lectures, let alone a few days. 

Oh gotcha. I'm sorry!