Need some advice

I am so glad I found this website! Its great to see how many people are enduring a US-UK relationship, I honestly thought I was in a unique situation. None of my friends understand how it has been to withstand the distance, and tell me to just find someone in the US. But you guys understand how hard it is giving up someone that you truly love and want to be with. Sorry if this turns really long, but its so amazing to be able to say my story and have people know exactly where I am coming from .

I met this wonderful guy while I was traveling across europe. We met in a hostel and he offered for me to come stay with him if I was going to travel around England. We kept in touch via email and I decided to take him up on his offer. We had such a great time that I stayed for 2 weeks. Unfortunately, it was nearing the end of my trip and I had to go back to ireland to fly back to the US. We stayed in touch and about 4 months ago he came out to visit me for 2 weeks. Again, it was amazing to be with him. We get along great, but of course we fought at the end as most people do. It seems inevitable to fight the day before leaving . So since he came to visit, my head has been an emotional wreck since I dont know what we can do about us. Americans cant get work visas easily and with the economy up shits creek, people arent hiring foreigners in the US. So as a result of this, I have been battling him more and more. I just can't seem to help it since it feels like we are doomed. I have bought a plane ticket to england in august for 2 weeks, but its so heartbreaking to just go back and forth like this. I could stay for a couple months, but I dont know if i would get past customs if I said that. Has anyone stayed for 3 months or so?
Marriage could be a possibility, but I'm only 23 and even that visa takes a long time to obtain.

Does anyone have any advice or been through something similar? Thank you so much for taking the time to read this! You're amazing!

When I went to the UK last year, I ended up staying for roughly 4 months total between two trips. Looking back now, I was extremely lucky to get through immigration, but I know other people who have stayed over in the UK for similar amounts of time. It all just depends on how strong your ties to the US are, since your biggest hurdle is proving to them that you're not going to overstay your visit--things like employment contracts, rental agreements/mortgages, schooling, etc can help. I'm not sure how well employment would play if someone were to stay in the UK for three months (unless you had a sabbatical or something to use), but it depends on your particular situation. Generally though, the stronger your ties to the US, the better, and being honest with the IO is a *must*.

As for the marriage thing--it actually doesn't take long to do once you decide to do it for reals. My husband proposed to me last November, we were married this last May, and it took me a month from the time he left to get my bios done and my visa approved (and I only took that long since I was waiting on some paperwork, it can be done in less than that if you have everything together right after the marriage). But, IMHO, it has to be something that you and your BF would want to do irregardless of immigration--of course it's always in the back of your mind, but you have to make sure it's not just a means to an end. Once you get the visa, you still have to be married to each other, so it should be a natural progression of the relationship and not just a way to live together. So, it may take some soul searching on your part, and maybe a long talk with your BF to see what your goals are, and to see if marriage is a viable option at some point down the road.

But it is a really difficult process to go through at times, and the worst seems to be right before one person leaves Some of the worst points of my life were those tearful goodbyes at the airport, and at times it seems like there's no real end to the journey, like it'll be just a bunch of trips back and forth indefinitely. With that said, these stories can have happy endings, it just requires a lot of work, and thinking things through, and a lot of soul searching to see exactly what you want. But it can be done, it just depends on what you two want as a couple, and what you're willing to do to get there. It's definitely possible though

Yes, it can be pretty challenging. The spousal visa doesn't take too long to obtain once you have your marriage licence, though, if you decide to get married. Are you using Skype or another video chat programme to "see" each other? That helped me and my husband a lot. We made several short trips back and forth and then used the webcam nearly every day to speak to each other for at least a half hour (longer when we could) and it helped us feel a bit more normal, I think. At least that way we were able to see each other and talk about our days, etc., and if we both had the time, we would spend several hours talking about all sorts of things and really getting to know each other. I understand what you mean about your friends, my friends though it was nuts when I would rather be in my house on the webcam with a guy who was 5000 miles away than out at the bars meeting local guys with them, but only you know what is in your heart and what matters to you. If you both want it to work more than anything in the world, then it certainly will. I hope it works out for you! (Happy ending - we were married nearly a year after meeting online, and now I have been living with him in the UK for a year and I've never been happier.) Good luck!

Thank you both for replying . Its nice to know that a spousal visa doesn't take long to obtain. Is it possible to enter the UK on a tourist visa, get married, then apply in the UK for a spouse visa? Or would I have to go back to the US first? The process is confusing.

Now that I have read more on what people do with their significant others each day, it seems like me and my BF don't make as much an effort for each other. We do sometimes skype, but it has become rare. We use IM almost daily and email eachother a lot, but I find that he still goes out with his friends a lot even if he could be talking to me. And he will stay out till 4am some nights. Is that normal in the UK? I thought the pubs close early there, tho he claims that isnt true anymore.

Its so great to get this stuff off my chest!

but I find that he still goes out with his friends a lot even if he could be talking to me. And he will stay out till 4am some nights. Is that normal in the UK? I thought the pubs close early there, tho he claims that isnt true anymore.

Its so great to get this stuff off my chest!

Your bf is correct the pubs here in the UK do stay open longer then they used to.

Thank you both for replying . Its nice to know that a spousal visa doesn't take long to obtain. Is it possible to enter the UK on a tourist visa, get married, then apply in the UK for a spouse visa? Or would I have to go back to the US first? The process is confusing.

You will have to do everything in the US--you can apply for a fiance visa if you would like to get married in the UK, but then you would have to apply for another visa right after you got married in order to extend your time in the UK until you'd be eligible for ILR (or probationary citizenship). Or, you get married and apply for the spousal visa in the US, and that visa would be for 27 months, which again takes you up to the point that you'd be ready to apply for ILR. Either way, you have to apply for the fiance/spousal visa from the US, but if done right you wouldn't be apart from your BF for long.

We use IM almost daily and email eachother a lot, but I find that he still goes out with his friends a lot even if he could be talking to me. And he will stay out till 4am some nights.

One of my biggest tips on managing this distance (I have been doing it for 3 years) is that you MUST stay engaged in your life where you are, not where you want to be.  If you sit around and only think about that you want to be in the UK and you expect him to do the same, I think you are doomed.  He should keep going out with his friends, and you should do the same. You cannot abandon the rest of the things in your life to chat with someone on the computer.  IMO, its better when you have things/experiences/good times to talk about such as the fun he had staying out until 4am. 

One of my biggest tips on managing this distance (I have been doing it for 3 years) is that you MUST stay engaged in your life where you are, not where you want to be.  If you sit around and only think about that you want to be in the UK and you expect him to do the same, I think you are doomed.  He should keep going out with his friends, and you should do the same. You cannot abandon the rest of the things in your life to chat with someone on the computer.  IMO, its better when you have things/experiences/good times to talk about such as the fun he had staying out until 4am.  

Yes!

Now that I have read more on what people do with their significant others each day, it seems like me and my BF don't make as much an effort for each other.

But is the amount of effort you make satisfying to the both of you? If so, then don't worry about what other people do. This is your relationship, no one else's.

if you want to be able to spend a little more time with him to get to know him better without having to go for the marriage visa first...to make sure this is really what you want...You can apply for a visitor visa which is a multivisit visa that is good for 6 months or more depending on what you apply for. It would allow you to come over for a longer period of time...And it will allow you to come back and forth for the duration of the visa...the only reason I am suggesting coming over and having a little more time with him before making the marriage decision is that the long distance relationship thing can be like a holiday romance in the beginning...it is amazing and wonderful when you are going to visit him and he is coming to visit you...but then as you get more into the relationship and fall more in love it becomes more complicated with having to say goodbye. But if you are going to marry this man no matter how much you love him you need to see if you are going to be able to live here...it is easy to say yes I would love to live in England especially if you have been over to visit. But you have to spend some time so you can see how life really is and see if it is for you. When I first did that in 2006 I wanted to see how I fit into life over here and would I be able to make friends or would I have to rely on my fiance and his friends and family. It worked out fabulous for me I am getting married in a month and I have a bunch of friends here in the UK and I love that...and you may find that too...we already love our men but it is adapting to a new culture and a new life that can be the problem...so that is my suggestion...and believe me I have been in this relationship for 6 years and I have been refused entry by immigration so I have learned a lot...but I know for me in the end all of the hassle and heartache was well worth it...and I hope that is the way it will be for you and your guy as well...if you ever want to chat or have questions you can pm me...

I have been in this relationship for 6 years and I have been refused entry by immigration

Why were you refused entry?

You can enter the UK for up to 6 months as a visitor, but like kittenfish said, you need to bring along proof to your ties in the US.  I went to visit my boyfriend for 2 months, and I took along a letter from him inviting me and explaining he was going to be giving me room/board (the only letter I produced up front), my most recent bank statement (was never asked for it), and a letter from my mom stating when she expected me back and how much rent I paid her and when it was due, etc (also was never asked for).  I also had with me tickets and reservations for a few things we had planned on doing (but was never asked for those, however they were visible in my folder (as was my bank statement) when I opened it up to pull out Tim's letter).  I'm a freelance writer, so I didn't have a letter from an employer, so I do consider myself lucky that I was let in. 

Another option for you might be to look into continuing your education in the UK.  It would give you and your bf time together, but it wouldn't force the marriage issue, because like kittenfish said, you shouldn't go into things just expecting marriage, or jump into it because it's the convenient way to be permanently together.

I agree with the poster who said you have to live your life - and you have to let your bf live his, meaning he shouldn't have to stay at home at night to talk to you, he should be able to go out with his friends and have fun. It is hard, the time difference is hard, the distance is hard, but it is so, so worth it if it works out. My husband and i did this for a year and a half, flying back and forth every 4-6 weeks (by the way, I never had a problem entering the UK and I was there probably every other month), and I finally moved to London. We got married, I got a masters there and we had our son there. We moved back last fall to the US. If you can get through the long distance part you know you can get through anything! But just don't expect him to sit around all the time waiting to talk to you, and vice versa, that will just cause resentment and bitterness.