Resistance from spouse

If he is that upset at the prospect of moving to the States without a job, I'm not sure if you saying ' we are going to give it a go' is the right approach.   I can appreciate that you are unhappy here, but I truly feel that both of you need to want to move back to make it work.  

I agree with this...it's like one member of a couple wanting a child and the other member not being so sure about it...IMHO you then don't have a child, because both parties need to be committed to the whole idea.

I'm the American in this couple and we have decided to move back, but I'm the resistant one!  I only want to move back for my kids (he has none), but the lack of money/jobs aspect scares me to death - we're not spring chickens anymore, and I just started over in this country four years ago in my late 40's...it's a lot to think about. 

Now that push comes to shove and it's time to start filling in some paperwork for his visa, he's also hesitating...

Hope you and your husband can come to an agreement on this one because I also believe that if one person is truly unhappy in a place, even though if it's a major compromise for the other person, an effort should be made so that you can both find happiness in where you live...Best of luck.

I lived in the UK  with my  DH and daughter who is  2.5..5 years in total.   I am now back in the US..for the last few months in the UK it got  so bad for me  at how  upset I was that I was having nightmares  that kept me up  at night.  I'd crash at 9pm and then be up  by 1 am..go back to  bed at 5am and then deal with a toddler.. anyway.. it was bad and like  your DH  it always felt like  tomorrow  would never come.. I felt that he wanted to move to the US only for the  'perfect' job and wanted guarantees..well I didn't get guarantees when I left  the US ...Actually I let my teaching certification lapse and luckily for me now  that I am back they are giving me a grace period  to get it back.. I knew if I stayed  he'd never  leave  and to be honest it has been difficult doing the single mom thing.. I am really disappointed and feel he is being selfish because he won't risk.. I did. I left  a great job that I love and  a family who would have supported me  with my daughter's medical issues  (which his never did)  .. He has  job interviews  within his own company that has  offices in the US  BUT i am afraid if he doesn't get that job  he wants .. he won't come out  for another two of our dd's birthdays..  That is crazy to me..I don't think you will ever have  enough  money  or time etc.. Sometimes you just have to  choose your family  and  pay debts  in time..   IMO

I lived in the UK  with my  DH and daughter who is  2.5..5 years in total.   I am now back in the US..for the last few months in the UK it got  so bad for me  at how  upset I was that I was having nightmares  that kept me up  at night.  I'd crash at 9pm and then be up  by 1 am..go back to  bed at 5am and then deal with a toddler.. anyway.. it was bad and like  your DH  it always felt like  tomorrow  would never come.. I felt that he wanted to move to the US only for the  'perfect' job and wanted guarantees..well I didn't get guarantees when I left  the US ...Actually I let my teaching certification lapse and luckily for me now  that I am back they are giving me a grace period  to get it back.. I knew if I stayed  he'd never  leave  and to be honest it has been difficult doing the single mom thing.. I am really disappointed and feel he is being selfish because he won't risk.. I did. I left  a great job that I love and  a family who would have supported me  with my daughter's medical issues  (which his never did)  .. He has  job interviews  within his own company that has  offices in the US  BUT i am afraid if he doesn't get that job  he wants .. he won't come out  for another two of our dd's birthdays..  That is crazy to me..I don't think you will ever have  enough  money  or time etc.. Sometimes you just have to  choose your family  and  pay debts  in time..   IMO

You do make a good point there. Family is the most important thing, and I do believe as long as you try your hardest, and as long as you are together and working as a team, that things can work out no matter where you are. Good luck, everyone.

  I understand where your hubby is coming from, and i think it be a bad move to come over to the US. He has a good job it seems, and unemployment is getting worse. My dad recently got laid off week ago, is out of work.

 You made the choice to be in a transatlantic relationship im assuming knowing that america may not be your home. For whatever reasons you got married and made the move. I say toughen up,  you choose you go. Find the little things you enjoy, your husband, security, and go make some friends. He obviously doesnt want to move, and i dont think i would neither, if i had a great job and was content where i was. In the end you choose to move.

 In the end forcing someone to do something is not the answer. You had your free will to come over. You be forcing him out of security, and even if you got him to come over he would not be happy.

You made the choice to be in a transatlantic relationship im assuming knowing that america may not be your home. For whatever reasons you got married and made the move. I say toughen up,  you choose you go. Find the little things you enjoy, your husband, security, and go make some friends. He obviously doesnt want to move, and i dont think i would neither, if i had a great job and was content where i was. In the end you choose to move.

That's pretty harsh. You make a ton of assumptions about their relationships in that one paragraph. First, you don't know WHAT she assumed or WHAT her and her husband agreed on before she moved over here. Second, her husband is a grownup and if he doesn't want to go, he should say he doesn't want to go and let her make up her mind accordingly regarding the relationship and not jerk her around.

He does have a nice life here, and it does seem that his conditions are mostly smokescreen to disguise the fact that he doesn't want to relocate at all. So he should put on his big boy underpants and own up to that; not throw toddler hissy fits to in lieu of communicating.

Sorry you're going through this, newyork and azroomie.

Hope it all works out for you both.

I agree, Mort.

Some folks don't want to move to the US.  Fair enough.  But big up and own up to that.

I understand all comments and certainly don't mind other opinions.  I assume that in posting that's what will happen.

Azroomie, it seems as if we are in a very similar situation.  I may PM you.

In terms of here, my husband works long hours, which I don't mind - I did too.  His family is unsupportive.  Examples:  said they wouldn't come to my son's baptism as it was in an RC church - ps:  he was due to have neurosurgery a few weeks later - talk about just suck it up and do it - they are whining that we won't be here for Christmas when we decided to go to the US to support my family on the first Christmas after my father's death, they never came to visit my son while he was at Great Ormond Street when he was just 3 months old.

Maybe I'm being whiny, but there is only so much support you can expect from friends who have their own lives.  I have a great friend here who will do anything for me, but she has a family of her own. 

I think sacrifices need to be made continually during a marriage, especially in one where the 2 are from different cultures.  I feel I sacrificed my job, my family and my son's happiness as he could have so much support from a big extended family in the US.  So, having sacrificed 4 years, I feel it's time to give the US a shot.  Nothing is forever....  My husband feels it's a one-way ticket.  Maybe he's right, maybe not, but I gave it a shot and he promised my father in my parents' yard that if I were unhappy he'd move.

So, not an easy situation, but there it is...

This thread is starting to remind me of this one about this time last year: http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?topic=48049.0

You both need to agree on this.  If he doesn't want to move, he doesn't want to move.  If you're unhappy, well that's too bad.  Such is life...

You both need to agree on this.  If he doesn't want to move, he doesn't want to move.  If you're unhappy, well that's too bad.  Such is life...

Wow.

There are compromises to be made by BOTH parties.

You both need to agree on this.  If he doesn't want to move, he doesn't want to move.  If you're unhappy, well that's too bad.  Such is life...

So she's the one who has to bear the brunt of the unhappiness without him ever even trying life in the US? Gee, I just love your recipe for matrimonial success.

xposted with Bmore.

You both need to agree on this.  If he doesn't want to move, he doesn't want to move.  If you're unhappy, well that's too bad.  Such is life...

Exactly! If you want to move, you both should move. If he doesn't want to, that's too bad. Such is life.... 

Cause I'm not sure why you think that if one spouse gets to make unilateral decisions in a marriage, it should be the husband?

[MOD NOTE]

There are going to be different opinions on this and people are entitled to them

TWO THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND:

You are talking to real people here so please phrase your posts accordingly.

and

The advice you get may not always be the advice you want to hear.

So, things to remember for EVERYONE.  Now be nice or leave.  Even if you have advice that goes against what everyone else is saying, you can still put it in a nice way.

I am going through something similar, just the flip side (living in US, married to UKC and planning to move to the UK)

Surely, your husband does care about your happiness or unhappiness.  The thing that keeps my husband here in the US is his worry that our children and I will be unhappy, and he really wants to go home and hates it here.  

We have been back and forth on whether or not to move to UK.  We were waiting for the right prompt to get us to make the decision to stay or go.  It doesn't mean its not full of the downsides either, but a clear black and white reason is a solid thing to base the move on.  I have prayed a lot about this and when we found out my husband's father was in such bad shape, all the gray areas didn't matter.  I'm not saying it was an answered prayer, but  sometimes when in the middle of conflict, something happens that makes the moment defining.  Does that make sense?

As far as your husband not speaking...Neither has mine and it's his home we're moving back to.  Not really a secure thing for me when it's an unknown.  I think men tend to use avoidance where we women tend to be vocal and want to address things right away.

I'm sorry to see you go through this as I am going through the flip side of it.  I wasn't going to post anything originally but I'm seeing the responses build up and wanted to chime in!

Good luck and blessings,
Julie

Thanks  to those who feel the  wife has a say as well.  Smetimes I wonder .. even with my own family...and if anyone wants to PM me  or chat  online  let me know..   I agree with the whole silence/avoidancce thing ..in my mind.. i get it..but when you are experiencing it..  you don't  FEEL like being  logical and  thinking about HIS feelinga  all. the. time.   ..   but the silence is 1000x worse  when you are far  away and over  a phone.. non verbal cues  are the majority  of a conversation anyway..   :\\\'(