Lonely & Depressed

Ugh for the past week I have been feeling overwelmingly depressed and sad.  Ive cried myself to sleep the past two nights, im emotionally drained.  Ive never been a very emotional girl, never a "cryer"...but this long distance thing is driving me up the wall!  Both on a stress level on visas, and the unbearable seperation anxiety.  It feels like im literally going insane, and I am sure its driving my fiance batty as well.  Ive noticed ive been getting super offended when he doesnt want to sit online and chat to me all day.  I feel abandoned and like he would rather be doing something else, and like im a burden to talk too.  I know he really doesnt feel that way, and im asking way to much by expecting him to use all his free time on me.  But i guess im just being selfish cause im so sad and missing him lately, shouldnt take it out on him.  He is man he deals with emotions differently i guess, and he does go above and beyond to talk to me every second he came.  Stupid time zones!!!  Sorry just venting here, cant talk to my friends or family cause they dont understand why I would put myself through this.  But i just love him so much, he is my future husband..regardless if he lives far away right now..its not going to be like this forever.  Why do I get so offended when he says he wants time to himself??  Has anyone ever felt the same way?  I know its silly..but for some reason I cant help this feelings.  Thanks for listening. 

Awww, cheer up, pickle.  It's the trials and tribulations of the long distance relationship, I'm afraid. Everyone hits that rough spot where it just feels like the plans for the future are taking too long. I used to go to sleep at 8pm just so I could sleep my lonely night away after DH had to leave the webcam and go to bed. I would cry when we didn't get as much time together on webcam as I wanted, and things like that. I would skip going out with my friends just so I could webcam with him for an hour or whatever. It's totally normal to be feeling the way you are feeling, and of course no one arounds you understands. Just try to keep yourself busy and don't forget to spend time with family and friends because you will miss them when you move. It will all work out in the end. One day, when you are together, and you think of all you did to be with each other, you will know it was worth it, and it will make you so happy to not have to live that way anymore. Hang in there. (((HUGS))).

Thanks Jewlz. I just feel like now since my emotions are so off right now, its starting to annoy my poor fiance.  Like he is getting aggravated with me..as he should..ive been rather demanding with his free time lately.  My thing is..im moving across the world, im leaving behind all i know to be with him.  Sure he is making sacrifices too, but sometimes I just feel like he should willingly want to spend all his "free time" on me..does that make sense?  He would move to the states he already said he would, but I dont want that..and the immigration process is much longer.  For some reason lately ive been way over emotional about everything...to the point im think i need meds lol. 

Thanks Jewlz. I just feel like now since my emotions are so off right now, its starting to annoy my poor fiance.  Like he is getting aggravated with me..as he should..ive been rather demanding with his free time lately.  My thing is..im moving across the world, im leaving behind all i know to be with him.  Sure he is making sacrifices too, but sometimes I just feel like he should willingly want to spend all his "free time" on me..does that make sense?  He would move to the states he already said he would, but I dont want that..and the immigration process is much longer.  For some reason lately ive been way over emotional about everything...to the point im think i need meds lol. 

Well, it is hard. There were times when DH (who was my BF at the time) would obviously want to go do something else instead of sitting on the webcam, and I had to just urge him to go so he wouldn't feel guilty about living his life. It's a tough balance between living your life and just aching away every minute of every day to be on webcam or chatting or whatever. If you realise you are upsetting him and making him feel guilty about wanting to spend time with his friends and whatnot, then you should be able to try to ease off a bit and give him some space. I think the girls do a lot more of the pining away than the boys do, or the boys try not to let it show as much. It will drive you crazy to try to spend hours staring at each other on webcam at times when neither of you has much to say. I mean, when you are at home together, it will be easy enough to watch the telly or read a book without feeling like you have to fill those silences, but you can't do that on webcam, and you can't even do, you know, other stuff that couples do that don't involve talking.  So all you do is talk, talk, and talk. And mostly you are talking about your future plans and how much you miss each other and things like that. All that talking is maybe a bit too much for some guys, I think. Just try to make more of an effort to spend time with your friends and let him do the same - you will miss them so much when you move! And go have some margaritas and Mexican food on a patio somewhere - do it for meeeee!  Try to enjoy the time you have left in the U.S. instead of just dwelling on what lies ahead. Easier said than done, I know, but staying busy is the most helpful thing you can do!

Yeah i dont mean to be that "girl"..who is so needy. Ive never been like that with anyone, but in this situation its so hard not to.  I do go out and stuff, so does he..but even when im out, all i think about his him and how much it stinks he cant be out with me and vice versa.  Im working two jobs to pass time.  I guess I am just going though a tough emotional spell right now.  I will get past it, just been a difficult week i suppose.  Thanks for listening to me complain 

Erika, I completely understand what you're going through. I know that I get totally clingy and irrational with FI sometimes. I have to make a real effort to keep living my life and not be hanging around my computer all the time waiting for him. It is really hard to be so far apart and in such different time zones from someone you love so much. But I know that when I can pull myself away & live my life as normally as possible, it's better for both of us. It makes me feel better not to be sitting around pining for him & getting my mind off things & I think it makes him appreciate our time together more.

How much longer are you likely to be apart? I know that I have read some of your posts in the visas sections, but I can't remember right off how far out you are from your probable visa. I know thought that even a relatively short amount of time seems like forever when you're waiting.

I also know what it's like to not have anyone around to talk to who understands. Not only do I have the LDR problems that no one else understands, but in July I also moved 800 miles  from where I grew up, leaving behind all my friends and the family that I grew up with. So, there are definitely days that I feel totally alone. If you ever feel like you want to talk to someone who can understand better, send me a PM & I'll send you my email or phone number & we can chat.

I hope you get out of this little valley soon.

((HUGS))

Thanks EnglishHolly!  I am so grateful that I found this website, I just would be so lost without it now.  I havent even techically started my visa process yet. Still in the early saving the money to get it stages, so I am working two jobs, Alan is working overtime..doing everything we can to get money saved up. Its just hard cause I live alone and have all these normal bills, then trying to scrounge up 975.00.  We hadnt really started saving cause we werent sure what we wanted to do...whether he come here, or me there.  Finally we decided that I go there, cause his mom isnt well...so he needs to be close to her. 

I should have the money to apply by November 1st, no problem.  So hopefully with the expediter and crossing my fingers for approval..I will be with him by the end of year. We want to get married in late February.     I am going to see him next week, which will definately cheer me up, but its only for 4-5 days...out of vacation time 

But I really appreciate everyone on this forum being so understanding and helpful.  I tend to be quite the worrier, so its helps anxiety to be able to talk to people in common situations.

Dude. I know exactly where you're coming from and believe me, it's normal. Couples aren't meant to be apart, and some of us deal with it less gracefully than others. Regarding the irrationality (which I am a master of), I once got so angry with R for not talking to me that I refused to talk to him (take that!) and we sat on the phone, in silence, for who knows how long. I believe I eventually broke the silence by bursting into tears.

No, I'm not normally a crazy person. Long-distance relationships - especially those spanning multiple time zones - are not like regular relationships. I behaved in ways I had never before fathomed and hope never to relive again. And cut yourself some slack if the crazy doesn't wear off the moment you set foot in the UK. You'll eventually make friends and a life for yourself here that's independent of your partner, and everything will go back to normal and your crazy-making LDR will morph into a regular, hunky-dory boring relationship. You'll see.   

Erika I know how you feel...I have b!itchy as hell with my hubby because he sent me some mail that I need for my visa over a week ago and I haven't gotten it yet (I usually get mail from him in 4 days max).  But our mail here has been messed up (they are about 2 days behind) due to some crazy stuff...and the sorting offices near him have been on strike.  Somehow under all the stress of the visa, the impatience of waiting, work sucking, family getting on my nerves, not being able to sleep or eat, etc...I have decided that the fact the mail hasn't gotten here yet is his fault...lol.  Because this makes logical sense to me right now.

And yes I know how you feel when he wants to do other things.  I reluctantly push my hubby to continue to live his life, hang out with friends and family, go shopping, go watch a football game, go to the pub, etc.  We have been seperated for a year since we got married and about 1 1/2 years before that...it's not fun...but like you said, you can't expect him to sit at home every single spare second he has to talk to you.  Perhaps if you try to keep yourself busy it will help.  Are you going to be leaving soon to be with him?  I ask because you mentioned a visa.  Perhaps now is a good time to spend some extra time with friends or family.  Trust me, it won't make you forget about him or miss him any less, but I find that sometimes if I just get out of the house and do something, I can relax for a little while.

Well I am much better today, I am assuming its cause I booked my ticket to go see him on the 23rd!!  Its just a really short visit, but prob the last one for awhile..cause we are both out of vacation time    So its helping to have 7 days til I get to give him a big giant hug, instead of a fake one via emoticons 

When I get back its crunch time for the visa...finishing up my saving...working my two jobs, gathering any and all money I can. I plan to get out of the US by December..hopefully.  Luckily my fiance has been very patient with my mood swings, and I am grateful to have someone who is willing to endure my episodes through all this. 

Oh..and this wedding thing is stressing me out to the max!  We are supposed to marry in late February/March...and weddings are so expensive!  I just wanted to elope or something cause I just never wanted a wedding.  However, he has a large family and they are traditional and want one.  So my head is swimming on how the heck we are gonna pay for that too!  Side Question:  Once we marry do I have to immediately apply for the spouse visa? Or do I have some time to gather money for that also?  I didnt know if when we register for our certificate to marry, if I have to hand over spouse visa money too?  And how much does it cost to get the approval for the marriage from the court over there? 


Ugh so many things to stress over, sometimes I feel like im going to burst into a million little confetti pieces. 

I don't know about the visa stuff, but it's too bad you can't get married in the states and just go on a spousal visa. It means getting one visa versus two, which saves money, plus me and my DH got married at a great B & B in Denton and the whole thing costed less than $1000, I think (found my dress on Craig's List, brand new, for $200, rented his suit, and the B & B included the cake and flowers and honeymoon suite with jacuzzi, rings were engraved sterling silver bands from James Avery). The wedding was small and beautiful in a little gazebo. I wouldn't have had it any other way, as I didn't want us to go broke in order to get married. 
Maybe his family could help foot the bill if they insist on you having a big wedding!

I wanted to just go to the JP in the US, then have a ceremony over there when we were ready..and just kind of keep it secret..cause his family wouldnt know any different lol.  And its not that want a big wedding, but they just want to be there you know...

Im still trying to convince him to do the US thing, ceremony later with me...we will see    Cause that would save so much $$$$

Once we marry do I have to immediately apply for the spouse visa? Or do I have some time to gather money for that also?  I didnt know if when we register for our certificate to marry, if I have to hand over spouse visa money too?  And how much does it cost to get the approval for the marriage from the court over there?  

With the fiancee visa, you will have 6 months within which to get to the UK, get married and then apply for FLR. But for whatever amount of time you stay on the fiancee visa, you won't be allowed to work. So, no, you won't have to pay for your spouse visa (it's actually not a spouse visa anyway) when you get your permission to marry.

FI & I had originally planned to get married in the UK. I really wanted to get married there. But we re-considered things & realized there was so much less red tape and much less expensive if we married in the States and then I could apply for my spousal visa to go over & be allowed to work right away. If you can convince FI, it really is a better way to go as far as finances & red tape go. We're going to have a big reception/welcome to the UK party after we get there.

  You are def not alone! Ive noticed just the ladies giving feedback. I am on the male end of it, and i do believe everybody has there own individual way of dealing with things.

  Ive had trust/relationship issues before(for good reasons, aka being cheated on). I feel ive grown a lot, of course some things try to pop in from time to time. Being so far away can def add to extra stress/emotions! Ive reccently thrown a fit myself for the first time about similar issues. Im glad it happened cause i caught myself, and realized i need to correct some things still!

  In any relationship its easy to get lost inside of it. I think lot of the problem is expectations, and routines. Say at first you talk here and there, at which point your ok with it. As time goes by, you talk more and more, get use to hearing this person around the same times daily...one day they decide to do something else for a change! You expected them to be there, you i guess that expectation/ almost becomes a need! So lately ive been trying to regain my thoughts to me, not just her all day, cause she def seems to fill lot of that brain space! lol! I dont want neither of us to have an unhealthy relationship, and do need to accept we both live on opposite sides of world, hence needing our own lives as well. Easier said then done! If your missing your partner while your out trying to enjoy yourself, im sure he is too! Dont take it personally, he could be stressed too, or as someone stated before, talking about same things daily..well only so much to say! Enjoy your trip you booked!

 Like you were in the process of saving the little money we can for down the road. Def hard when you in school and most your work $ goes to bills!!! =D Im just looking foward to my trip to visit my gf in 3 weeks in the UK. You are not alone, or wrong for feeling that way. Now that i saw myself getting lost in the relationship, it was a wake up call to not let that happen. Puts reality back into check! Be supportive as you can, know he loves you, tell him to go out, keep up the communication! Ive learned that theres no set way for anything! Try to avoid expectations, everyone does things differently, doesnt mean there feelings arent mutual! Good luck!

 

Nice to hear a male perspective, and thats its not a just a girl issue    Its just hard sometimes, and its nice to have this forum to talk to others who have the same complications. But I just keep telling myself, if we can make it through an LDR, we are gonna make it through anything.  Really does make your relationship very strong..cause its built on trust..and loving the person for who they are...not based on sex and things of that nature.  I know that once we are finally together when I get my visa, I will be just fine..just waiting for that day can be stressful on certain days.