Dealing with those who won't visit?

I have many loved ones who have expressed undying excitement for me on my pursuit to relocate to the UK. “I'll definitely visit!” They say.

But how to do you deal when other loved ones don't even consider visiting. “Don't count on it.” DBF said to me. Of course, I wouldn't dare tell him how to spend his money. I know flights are expensive and he doesn't even have a passport and has no serious intentions of getting one anytime soon. I guess I'm just disappointed. I'm trying to avoid being sappy and thinking “oh, he'd visit if he cared,” because I know it's not that simple, but I'm not seeing any effort. No “if you want me to visit, we'll discuss it” or “let's keep a look-out for less expensive or off-peak flights.” Nothing, goose-egg.

I'm just unsure of how to think about this. What have all of you done when someone close wasn't going to visit or at least consider it?

I've just worked to get past it...it's not easy, and I'm guessing you're a lot younger than I am, which might make it more difficult for you.

On the other hand, I have a British mother, 4 brothers and two grown children and have lived in the UK for 4+ years.  This past summer, my youngest brother, his wife and two kids came to visit.  Those are my only visitors from the US, and I'd be surprised if there are any more any time soon.

Yes, I too heard the 'we'll visit' comments, especially when I gave everyone notice 9 months before the wedding 2 years ago...personally, I think I would've preferred what your DBF is saying...real life, expensive flights, etc., get in the way of what people say they WANT to do.  It's always made me feel a bit down, because there's so much I'd love to be able to show family on a visit.

You're not even IN the UK yet...with any luck, once you are, some people will re-think their decision and will come to visit.  In the meantime, I don't personally think there's a lot you can do to try to get him to commit to a visit...

I have many loved ones who have expressed undying excitement for me on my pursuit to relocate to the UK. “I'll definitely visit!” They say.

But how to do you deal when other loved ones don't even consider visiting. “Don't count on it.” DBF said to me. Of course, I wouldn't dare tell him how to spend his money. I know flights are expensive and he doesn't even have a passport and has no serious intentions of getting one anytime soon. I guess I'm just disappointed. I'm trying to avoid being sappy and thinking “oh, he'd visit if he cared,” because I know it's not that simple, but I'm not seeing any effort. No “if you want me to visit, we'll discuss it” or “let's keep a look-out for less expensive or off-peak flights.” Nothing, goose-egg.

I'm just unsure of how to think about this. What have all of you done when someone close wasn't going to visit or at least consider it?

I have been in the UK for over 20 years -- half my life, pretty much.
My family have never visited me, nor have they ever even thought about it.
My dad says 'why would we want to go over there when we already live in the greatest country on earth?'
My mom says 'you're the one who left'.

Heigh-ho!  Their choice, their loss!     To me, that's how you should view it.

I think you may be surprised who actually DOES come to visit! I know I was!

My sister told me she'd come visit me when I have a baby. It's always about the money, but then she was going to spend $700 on a last minute trip to the Dominican Republic. She could have gotten a flight to Ireland for less than that.   

I think you may be surprised who actually DOES come to visit! I know I was!

That's what I was about to say! You'll probably be surprised by a few people, even though some others have let you down.

It's the same about people keeping in touch (to go off on a slight tangent). Some people I expected to stay close to have drifted away. But others have surprised me and done a great job of staying in contact.

I think many people don't realize how inexpensive they can truly make the trip...and then I think others use the cost as an excuse not to come, because they're nervous or unsure how to go about planning what they see as a HUGE trip in terms of distance, a new culture, etc. etc. etc.  

I have a few friends who have expressed interest in visiting, as well as a few college-aged cousins, but I don't expect to see my family over anytime soon, if ever.  My mom confirmed this when she said she couldn't attend the wedding I was planning to have in England.  I was really upset for a while, but I thought about it more and realized that I hadn't truly expected to get many people over for the wedding anyways (and eventually I realized I didn't want to spend money on a wedding, hence the decision to elope, but that's another story...).  Everyone has their own reasons why the trip seems insurmountable to them.  For my mom, she views it as more expensive than it probably is and is also terrified of flying.  For some, the thought of leaving the country truly scares them, or doesn't interest them at all, or seems like too much of a hassle to plan... and sometimes life just gets in the way!  I think back to when I had several friends living abroad, and though I did manage one visit to Germany, I had visions of visiting them another time or two that just never happened due to needing to organize a move, using all of my vacation to go back home and visit family, being too busy with work, and on and on and on.  

That's what I was about to say! You'll probably be surprised by a few people, even though some others have let you down.

It's the same about people keeping in touch (to go off on a slight tangent). Some people I expected to stay close to have drifted away. But others have surprised me and done a great job of staying in contact.

Definitely!!  My parents were the first to come and they had never had passports before coming. They can't wait to come back! They can definitely not afford it, but I was so happy they pinched and saved and made the effort.  We had a fantastic time as well.

rynn_aka_rae your boyfriend may surprise you- he may be missing you so much that he can't wait to jump on a plane and visit you.  Likewise, your parents and friends may be the same. Or not. At some point you learn to accept that you'll have to be the one using your money and your holiday time to visit them.  

I would think if your boyfriend wasn't planning on ever making an effort to come and see you, that would be a far bigger issue than your relatives not coming to see you. At least, it would be for me. Family is always family regardless of how long it's been since you have seen them, but relationships can really go astray if only one person is putting in any effort in an LDR.

I know it's pretty unrealistic to expect most of my family to come and visit because they don't usually have the money, and they aren't much for travelling to begin with, some of them have never even been on a plane. As for friends, I have a dear friend who moved to Maui, so I guess I understand why all of our mutual friends would rather go and visit him, but it still makes me a bit sad that he gets all the visitors. 

As for the BF not coming to visit you, I'm agreed with Jewlz...that would be a bigger issue for me than my family not coming to visit.  Not to upset you, but just speaking in real terms.  But then again (trying to see things from his point of view), is this something you talked about before deciding to move to the UK?  If so, from his perspective, it might look like this "Well I told her I wasn't going to come visit her and she decided to move anyway.  So it's her choice not to see me."  Not that I necessarily agree with that, just trying to show the other side of things. 

And this would go for family and friends that decide not to visit also.  We make the choice to "abandon" our family and friends (I don't know how many times my family has used that exact term when expressing their dislike of me moving), so they figure we are the ones who don't care since we are the ones who left them.  Not true and not fair, but I can understand how some people might feel that way...unfortunately.

I agree with Jewlz and TarnLover.

How long will you be in the UK? If it's a year, I can understand why people wouldn't be jumping up and down to come visit (though like Jewlz and TL, personally I'd be pretty disturbed if my significant other weren't even considering getting a passport when I moved to another country, since that's a pretty easy/cheap thing to do).

I do agree there's the mentality that since you're choosing to move, it's up to you to come back to visit. For close friends/family, though, you may need to stress the facts (you can't afford to come back once a month to visit everyone, you'll need their support while over there, a flight can be had for less than they thing, whatever might apply).

Good luck, it's a tough thing to deal with.

The way I see it is that this is your adventure.  It's a decision that you made and not a decision that your family, friends or boyfriend made.  Therefore it's nice if they visit but you can't really expect them to.

My Mom never had a passport and had never flown before I moved here, now she comes every couple of years and goes on other trips as well. My Dad has been to visit twice. That's a bonus.  I certainly never expected that they would come.  Going to Europe is kind of a dream trip for most people and it is a lot of money to fork out when you have other things to pay for and maybe even places you want to go.  In my opinion, if I want to see people it's up to me to do the travelling because I'm the one who left.  It's nice when they do come but I don't expect it.

I have been in the UK for over 20 years -- half my life, pretty much.
My family have never visited me, nor have they ever even thought about it.
My dad says 'why would we want to go over there when we already live in the greatest country on earth?'
My mom says 'you're the one who left'.

Heigh-ho!  Their choice, their loss!     To me, that's how you should view it.

Just wanted to add to this... after all these years, and having made this place my home... I actually no longer want my parents to come visit.   I love this place, and I am probably even a bit defensive about it.  I know that i would feel angry and aggrieved if my parents came and started picking holes in it, complaining about things, saying how much better things are in the US... you know the kind of thing.   I now think it's better that they don't ever come over, as it could cause a rift that I might not feel like repairing.

Just wanted to add to this... after all these years, and having made this place my home... I actually no longer want my parents to come visit.   I love this place, and I am probably even a bit defensive about it.  I know that i would feel angry and aggrieved if my parents came and started picking holes in it, complaining about things, saying how much better things are in the US... you know the kind of thing.   I now think it's better that they don't ever come over, as it could cause a rift that I might not feel like repairing.

This is exactly why I hope my BIL never comes to visit. Fortunately, he has zero interest in leaving the US. 

I think you may be surprised who actually DOES come to visit! I know I was!

My sister told me she'd come visit me when I have a baby.

Same with me! On both counts.  My mum and dad have never been to visit. Didn't even come to our wedding. My younger sis and older sis both came to visit once each as well as 1 of my friends and an Uncle i haven't seen since I was 12. Weird. But I always say, everyone is welcome.

My mum and sis both say they'll come over and visit for a month when I have a baby, but Im not holding my breath. I don't think my dad will ever come over for the sheer fact that flying over would mean about 8 hours without a cigarette for him 

My Mother is the only one that has come over to visit-and that is because we have paid for her flights. 
I left the area that I grew up in in 1997 and moved to Texas.  My Aunts and cousin came down twice-once as company for my Mother so she wouldn't have to fly alone and the second time was when we received some bad news regarding our oldest daughter. 
Other than Mom, no one else has a passport.  The few friends I have remaining in the States just don't have the money (or a passport) to come for a visit.  Thinking back, they never came down to Texas either. 
I used to look on with a bit of envy at people who have family and friends visit.  However, that is not how things are in my little world and I moved on from that a long time ago. 
If you want there are other ways of keeping in contact with people...skype, etc.