Cold Feet

So I'm moving to the UK to be with my wonderful hubby...I'm sooooo excited about all of this!!  Visa, check.  Flights, check.  Ummm....I think I just got run over by a bus...

All of a sudden, it hits me...I'm leaving everything behind, everything!  OMG!  What am I doing?!?!?!  I love my hubby and I love England, but I love my life here...what if I don't love my life in England?

I've been spending a lot of time with family and friends in the past few weeks.  I just realized how much I enjoy that.  I'm going to miss everyone.  I will have my hubby's family and friends (I've actually gotten pretty close with a lot of his friends thanks to facebook), but it's not the same as having your own friends and family around.  I've known most of my friends my entire life...there's just something about a 20-year bond with someone that can't be easily replaced.

I'm giving up a great job that I love with good money to move somewhere that I might not even be able to get a job at all.  Plus, hubby and I are talking about trying for a baby after Christmas in which case I will probably be a stay-at-home mom.  That's going to be a huge adjustment considering I have spent the last 5 years of my life not only being a single mom, but working full time and going to school full time. 

I'm getting rid of pretty much everything I have.  I am keeping some things that have sentimental value but the majority of the things I've collected over the years (furniture, decorations, picture for the walls, etc) will be gone.

I'm also nervous about me and hubby in general.  We've never lived together before.  This is going to be a big adjustment!  Especially for him since he is now going to have to get used to living with a 5-year-old.

I know I'm ready to move, I just have a lot of last-minute stuff going through my head.  I hope England is all I cracked it up to be in my head.  Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.  Sometimes just writing about what you're feeling helps you feel better.

Tarnlover,
I understand where you are coming from...it is overwhelming when you realize that you are moving to a different country and leaving everything and everyone behind. But at the same time you are starting your new life with the man you love. And you must love him and awful lot to move to be with him. Yes it will be an adjustment living with him and you will both be learning about each other and getting used to each other. And you will have some rough times. But in the end they all work out and it is no different then if you met him in the states and moved in with him after the wedding. Now the part about moving to England. You are going to have your ups and downs. It is an emotional time. There is getting used to someplace new and the culture. But it will be an adventure at the same time. I know right now you are friends with a lot of his friends..but it is important you make friends of your own. And you will. There will be an adjustment period when you first move over. Trust me I have been thru that. But then once you get acclamated and make some friends of your own it will feel a little better. You will always have your friends back home to rely on as well. And can easily keep in contact with them on the internet and with skype...He isn't wasting anytime wanting to start for a baby. But maybe you should give yourselves a little more time before trying. Get used to being with each other. Get used to where are you are living. You need to get out into the community and socialize. You need to make friends and have that network of support before you become a stay at home mom...and you and your husband both need time to be with each other and just enjoy the fact that you are together now and won't be apart. I think it will all work out for you. I have gone thru the moving thing and understand exactly where you are coming from....You will be fine...I know you will )

Good Luck

Absolutely EVERYTHING about my life is better now, in the UK. Absolutely everything.

But, hey, I lived in that other place for thirty years. If nothing else, I miss the familiarity of it. Same job, same house, same neighborhood. It blows my mind to think I'll never go to the Branch Avenue Stop 'n' Shop again. The Branch Avenue Stop 'n' Shop is a DUMP, but I bet I've been there a thousand times.

Yeah, it's hard work, being a foreigner. My main strategy is denial -- I try, as much as possible, not to think about it. Seriously. I've been here ten months now. I figure after a couple of years it'll be safe to think about it, but not now.

Good luck! Join me in denial!

I completely had this moment one day before I moved, so I know the feeling.   I think most people here probably got a case of nerves before it was all said and done. It's a scary (but definitely exciting!) thing! You really are moving thousands of miles away! Of course you are going to be jittery about that, especially when you have worked hard to have the life you have now. I nearly had a panic attack one night before I moved, while I was going through some old things, thinking the same things - What if I don't make any friends? What if we won't get along once we are living together? What if I can't find my way around? What if everyone there hates Americans? I mean, some things I pondered were pretty extreme and silly, and some were legitimate fears. It is heavy, heavy stuff. But once I let myself cry out all the anxiety and nerves, and I truly thought about every question and answered it in my own head, I was ok, and I had the confidence I needed. For example, What if I don't make friends? My answer to myself: What a silly thing to be afraid of! I can't replace the wonderful, lifelong friends I have now, but I am sure I will make some friends there, even if it takes time. And I was right - I have been here just over a year, and I am finally starting to make some friends. I might be crazy for talking to myself, but someone had to reason with me!  
You never know what your life will truly be like here until you get here. And in many ways, your life here will be as good as you make it. There will be a while where you may feel out of place, a lost sense of independence, a feeling of ignorance or stupidity because some every day things are confusing, and things like that. I think everyone here goes through that and I still go through those feelings from time to time. But if you move here knowing that there will be days like that, but seeing beyond those days into the days where you will feel right at home and happy with your husband and family around you, then you will be fine. It takes time to settle in. But life here is so much better than I ever thought it would be. I am so much happier than I ever knew I could be. I've never been nearly as homesick as I thought I would be. And things get easier all the time. It's been just over a year, I'm learning to drive again, I'm making some new friends (though still miss my old, irreplaceable friends) and my life is moving on.
Allow yourself to feel the anxiety, but maintain a positive attitude. Be realistic that settling into a new life will take time, but be positive that you will be fine. Believe in yourself -- if you have made this great life for yourself in America, then you can make a new one for yourself somewhere else, and it can be equally great, if not better! Hang in there! (((HUGS)))

Absolutely EVERYTHING about my life is better now, in the UK. Absolutely everything..................Good luck! Join me in denial!

This is exactly my strategy! My life is infinitely better here in the UK....I do miss the people though and I just don't think about it. Just can't...not yet.

While I don't have cold feet, there must always be that time of reflection about the enormity of such a move. I fly out on Thursday to live with my husband, and start our life together. The problem for me is that my mother died shortly after my wedding, and there is still alot of 'work' to be done in the US regarding that for awhile.

So, I know my feet will be planted firmly with my love in London, I will still have to have at least a toe in the US for awhile while all this legal bumbo-jumbo gets taken care of.

It's true, you do have to love your spouse enough to make this decision - and actually, I made it even before he'd proposed & we got married. He was definitely the man I wanted to spend my life with, and the best way was for me to move (he has a great job with the government)...

I'm looking forward to the transition, and the settling into the day to day life of a married couple... A new adventure for both of us...

Lisa

Don't have any personal experiences to add as when I came here I was childfree and single.

My life was pretty much at rock bottom in the US - I was being made redundant again, I'd just had a bankrupcy, I'd finalised a divorce the year before and a relationship had gone down the pan pretty big style - but it was a wrench even then.

I couldn't do it if I had a good job, life was going good and I had a kid.

Best of luck to you!

edited to add:  Sorry if this is too personal but I really wouldn't consider trying for a baby until I was here a while, a year at least, tbh. 

Good luck! Join me in denial!

Hee hee...I have used this tactic in the past.  That coupled with being an eternal optimist (or trying very hard to be) have worked very well for me in the past. 

From the beginning my hubby never really cared where we lived so he left the entire decision completely up to me.  We (and by 'we' I mean 'me') actually spent 2 years carefully making the decision.  I'm 100% positive it is exactly what I want!  We haven't decided if we will stay in the UK forever or not, but being there right now is what I want, for sure.  I just have this nervous/anxious excitement running through me, and a sadness also.  I'll be fine as soon as I get to hug my hubby and curl up in the bed with him at night.

I am leaving in less than a day for my move and just had this same thing happen to me. Paralyzing fear of : what if i can't get a job, make any friends or be happy? Why did I agree to move to a different continent when I was fine here?

Thanks for sharing all of your experiences, it really helps knowing others have felt/are going through the same thing!

I dont have any words of wisdom, as I have only been here for about 2 months, but what you are feeling is 100% NORMAL and to be expected.  I felt all the things you are saying and it sounds like everyone has too.   
If your experience is similar to mine, you can probably expect this: everything wont be perfect, you will feel like you have lost large parts of your identity, you wont have people to relate to, you will doubt that you will ever make friends, you will feel isolated, you might cry because something doesnt work the way you are used to it working, things that were "cute" when you were visiting will annoy you now that you live here, you will wonder many times if you've done the right thing, but deep down you will know that you have.

Thanks Shannon (tarnlover) for the thread.  I just went through a heap of these emotions yesterday when I purchased my one way ticket.  There was definitely a finality to it. 

I really appreciate also all the advice that everyone that's just recently moved has given. 
I'm mostly upset about leaving my family.  I live and work with them (family business) and it'll be weird not to be able to see them everyday.  Plus we're opening up a restaurant in the next couple of weeks and I'm worried about my Mom and all the stress she'll have to endure without me here to help her.

 Luckily there's Skype...that'll be the silver lining.

This post really strikes a chord with me! I feel the same way as all of you. I feel like nothing seems totally real. I am moving in 5 days and tomorrow is the last day of work for me. I am soooo sad to be leaving my job. My boss and I have been crying together and I work with adults with brain injuries and we have been crying together too! Sometimes I feel like, "am I supposed to be feeling this way? Aren't I supposed to be extremely excited right now"? I am excited, but, right now, my  main emotion is sadness. Sometimes I get stunned with fear that I'm leaving a job I love so much and a life I was content with. Leaving the familiarity, convenience, independence, comfort, family, friends, job, city I love. I am excited for whats to come and I know that once I get there I can finally "be all there" if you know what I mean. Right now it feels as though I'm torn in  half, with half of me here and half of me there. I'm in limbo. But yes, this is definitely helpful to see I'm not alone and have some feelings validated! I wish all of you luck. We can go through this together! We have this amazing opportunity that not everyone gets to have in their life.

Yes this advice is helping a lot.  Even though I've had several mini-panic attacks.  I'm going with the denial thing for now.  Trying not to look around the house and think about how in less than 2 weeks, I'll never see this house again.  When I'm out with my friends, trying not to think about the fact that I probably won't see most of them again for years.  Etc.  Just going about the motions of getting everything done and kinda pretending I'm not actually leaving.  The worst is yet to come though.  A 4 hour drive to the airport with my Dad...and in all honesty, I think he might cry at the airport.  YIKES!

I pretty much had the same life back in the US as WHW...I had left my job and just gotten out of a really messed up relationship. Well, I left my job to get away from the really messed up relationship and ran away to England and hid out with my best friend...fast forward 6 months my best friend was now my husband and I was in the midst of trying to get my visa sorted...now 19 months down the road it was the best thing that I ever did.

I think what helped me the most was that I made the move with the mindset that England was now home and I made the conscious effort not to compare it with the US. Things aren't the same here as they are there. But I knew that if I was moving to, say, Germany I wouldn't even think about comparing it to the US so why even do it with here? Does that make sense?

It took me about a good year to make friends. Of course a few months after moving in 2008 I became a mom for the first time so I really didn't have time for friends back then and was just more concerned with getting sleep than anything else. But I've got a few friends and we get together on occasion and I've got one that I know that I can just vent to and rant to and moan to and she just really is there for me  . So, friends take time but anything worth doing takes time.

I still don't have a job. But, now it's a choice that my husband and I have made that it's in our daughters best interest to have mom at home. Plus he makes enough that we don't have to agonize about money. We don't have alot but we have enough.

I love it here. This is home. That's why when people as me about 'back home' I always say that this is my home...the US is just where I used to live, it's not my home.

I love it here. This is home. That's why when people as me about 'back home' I always say that this is my home...the US is just where I used to live, it's not my home.

I hope I can feel the same, WebyJ! 

Like Tarnlover, I get cold feet every other day.  I can't keep on living on "what ifs" or I will probably worry myself to death.  One thing I often think is that I have never felt at home in the US.  I have been an outsider my whole life- moved around to different schools, don't care much for American football.  I have always been intrigued with different countries and different cultures. 

Do you ever see things that just strike you as an "a-ha" moment and think you are really suited to a new life somewhere else?  For example, I have been looking up people from my old high school on fb and look at their profile if it's not hidden.  They are so gung-ho on their old high school, live in the same dumpy town, married to their bf/gf from high school.  The post OU game scores on their page eventhough they never went to school there. I'm like- gimme a break!  Then I realize that these are their lives, and mine is much different. I am starting to feel like there is a reason my life has lead me to this moment...Maybe I am going somewhere I belong.

It's good to know I am not alone.  I have been having panic attacks and waking up at night in cold sweats.  I thought maybe I was becoming over-emotional about the whole thing.  Now I feel a little more positive after reading some of these post and I definitely feel less alone!