How do you cope?

So, my DSS is getting to an awkward phase where there is constant crying if he doesn't get to do something he wants to do (pour the hot water from the kettle, for instance, too dangerous for him to do, but no reasoning with him will get that message across). Sometimes he just starts crying because you did something he wanted to do (like switched on the light or turned on the tap) and he didn't even tell you he wanted to do it in the first place. He just sees you do it and starts screaming that he wanted to do it. I try to remember to ask him if he wants to push the button, etc., ahead of time, which helps, but you know, kids slow you down so much sometimes when you need to get somewhere that if you wait for them to do everything for themselves, it could take you all day to run a simple errand! I just want to be able to take charge sometimes without him throwing a fit over not being in control of everything. I think I am a pretty patient person, by the way. I can handle quite a bit, but yesterday, I felt so drained from dealing with all the whining, crying, and carrying on that I just wanted to go to sleep and not get up for the rest of the day!

I realise that he is at an age where he wants to do more for himself, and I try to let him do as much as he can by himself, within reason. But there is also that side of him that still wants to be babied. Even though he can easily feed himself, he asks his daddy to feed him. And even though he could walk and he isn't sleepy, he asks for a carry (he weighs a ton - he's bigger than most 5 year olds, even though he is only 3 1/2 years old, so carrying him for a length of time is getting difficult). He is awkward around people a lot, too. For example, if he is spending the night at his grandma's and we go over there to see him, he completely ignores us, tells us to go away, or just cries because we are there and he doesn't want us there. But if grandma comes to our house, it's the same story - he won't even look at her or have anything to do with her. It's frustrating because we obviously don't want him to be rude to people, but how can you control this sort of behaviour, really? I guess he will grow out of it. I guess I was just wondering if any of you parents here have any advice for dealing with a moody three year old?

The all-purpose fixes-anything solution!

Duct tape! 

(but I'm not a parent  )

The all-purpose fixes-anything solution!

Duct tape! 

(but I'm not a parent  )

Haha... I would feel less guilty about the duct tape if I gave birth to him myself! I don't want to be an evil stepmother! 

I try to remember to ask him if he wants to push the button, etc., ahead of time, which helps, but you know, kids slow you down so much sometimes when you need to get somewhere that if you wait for them to do everything for themselves, it could take you all day to run a simple errand!

This is the key! You do need to allow extra time for everything at this stage and everything does take longer with a small and demanding child around. I am not saying you should give in to his every demand, of course you can't do that but you do need to work around him a bit. This phase should pass though, so it's not forever.

Haha... I would feel less guilty about the duct tape if I gave birth to him myself! I don't want to be an evil stepmother! 

You would duct tape your own offspring! 

Many is the time I have been on a train/plane/bus/crowded place where there was a screaming child & I have thought to myself how useful duct tape is for so many situations... 

My daughter went through a very similar phase when she was about three (and still has her whiny moments every once in a while!). First, just remember that this will eventually pass. In the meantime, just try to keep distracting him when he starts getting worked up about something, and if that doesn't work, then just drop it and let him work through his emotions on his own. I've found, with my own daughter, anyway, that if she's making unreasonable demands ("why *can't* I stay up all night and watch movies?!") it works best to tell her no once and then just go about my business. If she's feeling particularly tenacious she'll keep it up for AGES, but that's kind of her problem, know what I mean? This is how children learn how to be a social being. As long as they're getting a regular stream of positive messages about themselves and reminders that they're always loved, then they can deal with being told no when necessary.

As far as rudeness goes, I don't think they're much you can do at this age. Young children can be "slow to warm up" to other people, even people they know very well but haven't seen in a couple of days. Trying to push the issue can do more harm than good, so just know that he'll probably grow out of it in time.

And finally, be patient with yourself, too! It's a lot of work raising a child, and more so when it's your stepchild. So don't beat yourself up if it's not always going perfectly. You sound like you care about him a lot, and that's all that matters. 

I think it's the age.  Alex does a lot of the same things.  One minute he loves his Nana the next he doesn't want to be around her.  They are really asserting their independence around this age and realizing that they do have some power over things.

For us it can be washing his hair... taking a bath... making tea or whatever.  Just sometimes he decides he is going to win.  

We pick and choose battles... sometimes not washing his hair to get him to take a bath.  I also use time outs and count down before those time outs.  So if I get to three he gets a time out.  

Things like running into the street and hot water issues are not negotiable.  However... we do let him put the tea bags in etc.

 He got burned pretty badly on my dad's tiller one day in the Spring so when we say something is hot he tends to pay attention now.

We talk a lot about listening and why listening is good etc.  Sometimes I result to just picking him up and removing him from the situation until he calms down and we can talk about why he is being so mule headed.  We had to do this at a recent birthday party when he outright refused to remove his shoes to go into a play gym.  It took a good 10 minutes to get his shoes off and him calmed down before we could play.  I had to physically remove him and take him outside until he decided that going home was not as fun as staying.


 There are no easy solutions though.  Just keep being patient and model that behavior.  

Also I have to constantly remind my mother that it is not personal when he is rude.  I do make sure that he knows his behavior is not acceptable. 

I choose my battles, my son is almost 4 and we have these arguments daily. I am a working mother and my time with him is limited, so sometimes I give in. I know the little things that he LOVES to do (ie pushing buttons, or wearing sweatpants instead of jeans) and I give in, its not worth a fight.

If its something dangerous, I wouldn't give in. But if its something that you think slows you down, well enjoy being slowed down. One day my gorgeus little boy is going to be all grown up and he won't want to enjoy little things like pushing buttons on lifts, or helping to pour some juice, or even help himself to something out of the fridge. My motherhood mottos is that I don't always have to win...and I think I am a pretty bloody good mother. So good, I am going to do it again!!!

Hugs, Jewlz! It's a tough age, that's for sure.

I don't know what it would be like to be a step-mom, but I definitely second the 'pick your battle' mantra. Some things are just not worth listening to that glass-shattering high-pitched screaming for!

My son is almost 4, and I find that when the crying/whining starts I have to just leave the room and try my best to ignore it. Usually he comes around in a few minutes and tells me that he's 'all better now.'

Also, I often try to give him a choice even with the most silly and basic things: like "Do you want to go to the store now, or in 5 minutes?" We have an egg timer that I'll set for 5 minutes, and he has to get all ready before the bell dings.

Anything you can turn into a game will definitely lighten your load. If you don't want to carry him, for example, have a race to see who can get to X quickest.

Good luck! Having a 3/4 year old is just a big old game of manipulation. 

Ooh, I also forgot to mention my secret weapon...DISTRACTION!!!

When my kid is getting stroppy, or starting to have a fit, I always find SOMETHING that will distract him. Things like, Oh my gosh, I can see the moon in the daytime! Do you want to look for the moon?  Tonight I used the fog to get him out of the bath, I said "Daddy says its foggy out, but I don't believe him, shall we go have a look" and sometimes I lie, I say, I saw something to really fast under there, you go tell me what it is.

Works a charm!

Thanks for the advice, everyone! I guess I'm not doing too bad. I do most of the things you suggested already, and I don't suppose there is any golden solution to all of this. For example, he was throwing a little fit and trying to hide the other day, so I just stood there like I didn't see him and then shouted "What's that outside the window?" and when he popped his head up to see, I smacked him in the head with a pillow! Then we ended up giggling and having a pillow fight when he was crying and being a pain in the butt a few minutes earlier. So I do know that this sort of thing does work! He does put the tea bags in the cups, makes his own toast, helps himself to juice and things out of the fridge (almost a little too often - ice lollies for breakfast!  ) and we do let him do a lot of things he wants to do, especially since we only see him every other weekend. It just feels like so much work sometimes, but I guess that is partly because I'm not used to it, and he isn't with us every day, so his routine gets interrupted, which I am sure doesn't help. Sometimes I also think he is testing us to see what the boundaries are. For the most part, he is fine, but last Sunday, it was an all-day whinge and cry fest over everything - things like not being able to carry in ALL of the groceries because they were too heavy, and other things that just weren't possible. Also, it was driving me nuts the way he would put in a movie and then put in a different one 10 minutes later. I know his attention span is really short, but geeez. Anyway, thanks for listening to me rant about it! There are great times, too, like snuggling up with him on Saturday evening watching You've Been Framed (his favourite show) and just listening to him giggle while he played with my hair. (He now likes to be in charge of cuddling, as well, which basically means he puts me in a headlock.  ) He's getting so big and independent, but he is just in limbo with the baby stage, too, which seems hard to break (he STILL has his dudie at night times and nap times and he is 3 1/2!!! Not my decision, though, unfortunately...) and he whinges on for his dudie sometimes during the day, too. Oh well. I guess he will start growing up so fast now, that should just enjoy this time as much as possible, he just keeps getting taller and more talkative every time we see him. It feels like we miss so much by only seeing him every fortnight. Anyway, thanks so much everyone! I guess I am handling things the right way for the most part and I just have to keep it up. 

It's the age. Sammy lives with his grandmother and is a total grump to her every. single. morning. Without fail. I'm watching it happen as I type this. It gets verrrry old and I know my mother has to remind herself not to be offended. My BFF always says 'never take anything personally from anyone under the age of 6'!

As for the other stuff, great advice and good things to always strive to do. For us, our 3-1/2 yo isn't a tantrum thrower. Either this is a stage he hasn't hit yet or it's just not his personality. However my younger son, Jake, is already a bit of a tantrum thrower and he's not even 2! The best thing to do with him is ignore it or remove him from the situation. Distractions don't work for him (at least not yet).

What is the dudie? A blanket or a pacifier? If it's a blanket, I think that's ok. Pacifiers are tricky. We want to wean Jake off his, but our lives are so complicated right now that we've opted to put this off for another couple of months. There's never a perfect time to try, though!

It's the age. Sammy lives with his grandmother and is a total grump to her every. single. morning. Without fail. I'm watching it happen as I type this. It gets verrrry old and I know my mother has to remind herself not to be offended. My BFF always says 'never take anything personally from anyone under the age of 6'!

As for the other stuff, great advice and good things to always strive to do. For us, our 3-1/2 yo isn't a tantrum thrower. Either this is a stage he hasn't hit yet or it's just not his personality. However my younger son, Jake, is already a bit of a tantrum thrower and he's not even 2! The best thing to do with him is ignore it or remove him from the situation. Distractions don't work for him (at least not yet).

What is the dudie? A blanket or a pacifier? If it's a blanket, I think that's ok. Pacifiers are tricky. We want to wean Jake off his, but our lives are so complicated right now that we've opted to put this off for another couple of months. There's never a perfect time to try, though!

He calls his dummy/pacifier his dudie. I just think 3 and a half is far too old for it. However, my DH doesn't want to be the bad guy to take it away, and there hasn't been any communication with his mother about when we will all work together on it. She is moving the two of them in with her boyfriend next month, so Jay will have a LOT to get used to then (plus she is taking him on his first holiday next month to Sharm El Siekh with her boyfriend, which is going to be hard for him - he hates loud noises and will probably totally freak on the plane!) and I think sharing mummy with her boyfriend full-time will make him act out in whole new ways, as I think he is used to getting nearly all of her attention. Plus he will be going to a new nursery. I guess it's best to wait until after all of that, it's just that now he has had it for SO long it's going to be so much more traumatic to take it away.

Other than just the normal 3 1/2 year old stuff, I think that your DSS might be reacting to some of the inconsistent messages he might be getting between his mom's, grandma's and your houses. It's a sticky situation, but if there is anyway to get all of you on the same page with behavior expectations and really try to avoid giving in to him out of guilt you will probably see less moodiness and reacting from him.

I know exactly how hard it can be. 

Other than just the normal 3 1/2 year old stuff, I think that your DSS might be reacting to some of the inconsistent messages he might be getting between his mom's, grandma's and your houses. It's a sticky situation, but if there is anyway to get all of you on the same page with behavior expectations and really try to avoid giving in to him out of guilt you will probably see less moodiness and reacting from him.

I know exactly how hard it can be. 

Well, we all certainly try. But yes, it can be extremely difficult. I have listed some of my woes on here a time or two, so I won't get into it again.  I just try to be as nice as possible (without being a doormat) and hope for the best.