"Women's Lib" in the UK

I wasn't sure where to post this so I settled on this section.

I will start by saying I've never been to England (we're going for a visit in January and moving in July next year) so my impressions have been formed only by interacting with my MIL, SIL and a few Brit friends on other pregnancy/parenting forums.

MIL has been a SAHM basically her whole life, my FIL has never cooked a meal and doesn't even do the traditional "male" jobs such as mowing the lawn. MIL doesn't complain whatsoever and seems to like the situation because she is so "needed". Her kids are grown and she still babies them immensely. She doesn't have a career, job, or any hobbies aside from domestic things.

During a rough period where DF and I were arguing a lot about the impending move my MIL called and we had a lot of no-holds-barred conversations.

Her opinion: I'm silly for even questioning whether the move to England is a smart one. Why? Because a woman must follow her husband. She had to do it, my SIL did it, therefore I should basically shaddup and stop making his life harder by being realistic (or negative, impossible, etc in her eyes).

She's told me that in England women don't feel pressure to go back to work with young kids. It's just so lovely, you cook, watch telly and pick up the kiddies from school. Only cold hearted career driven women, or women of poor families go back to work before their kids are in school. 

This scenario has been cemented in my mind by watching too much Wife Swap UK, and tidbits from online friends (ex "I'm going away for two weeks and my husband, bless, has to learn how to use the dishwasher!" or "I was ill with pneumonia and my lovely husband LET me have a nap while he played with the kids!").

I'm not convinced that this is a UK thing. I've just been unlucky that I've never met a woman in the UK who is not a SAHM.

So, for those of you already there or with any experience beyond mine, how are gender roles in the UK? Is it a bit backwards? The same as the US/Canada? Will I be the odd woman out if I return to work just because I desire to?

Okay, it's not the 1950s! Your MIL is a bit out of touch with reality! The UK is much like the US - if you want/need to go back to work, you can. I will say that from what I've seen in the UK, it is easier to ease yourself back into work if you've had a baby than the US. Maternity leave is 9 months or even a year, if you choose, and there are lots of job share opportunities and more options of going part time. I know lots of working moms in the UK!

It's not a UK thing, I can promise you. We're not a bit backwards and while I think there is some pressure on women to stay at home with the kids, there is equally pressure on those who do that to get back into the workforce.

No way. I've met a ton of moms from my daughter's school, and I'd say about half work and half stay at home (and there are a couple dads who stay at home while their partner works, too). I enjoy that there's somewhat less pressure to go back to work than there was in the states, where we do seem more career-driven, even if we don't want to be.

Anyway, no, I don't think you'll be at all out of place if you want to go back to work. It's all up to you.

I suspect with your MIL that it is generational--she's definitely still living in the 1950's!

That's definitely not my experience.  Of a pre-natal group of 8 mums, I am the only one not going back to work.  AND we are moving to america to do so, because we cannot afford to stay in London on one salary.  All the other women are going back to work after the 9-12 months they are taking for maternity. 

As far as the traditional roles you describe....most of  the guys I know can cook and clean and have to do things around the house.  That said, I don't take out the garbage and my DH doesn't do laundry.  We joke that they are a "man's" job or a "woman's" job, but in reality it's just a division of labour that we have decided upon based on likes/dislikes. 

If you are moving back to the UK, is there anyway you can move someplace just a bit out of reach of your MIL?  That may be the best way to avoid her commentary. 

She is living in another age, the majority of my friends are working mothers, only a handful are SAHM's. I myself take great pride in being a working mother. Also, out of my group of friends, I seem to be the only one who doesn't have a cooking husband! I do all the cooking, but my friends all brag that their husbands love to do the cooking! Where have I gone wrong!!!!!

Traditionally, I would have said that British husbands of a generation or so back were more 'house-trained" than American ones. I can think of several husbands of my own and my parents age who did the washing up as a matter of course. My father never would have. Also I think many British men take more interest in the home -- selecting furniture, decorating and so on. And most would do the gardening unless the wife had a special interest in it.
So I am surprised at this MIL.

My mum turned 69 this year and I don't believe there has ever been a time where she has stayed at home and done the traditional housewife thing. Honestly, there is no keeping this woman at home, despite her disabilities! Though she had to retire early due to a fairly debilitating accident at work, she's always out and organising events for her old dears, (she lives in sheltered housing) or motoring up and down the country attending forums for tenants or going on trips with the diabetics association and so on.

In our house, I go to work while my husband stays at home looking after the youngest and making sure he gets to and from school. He's certainly no poster boy for stay at home dads but he's still in training, (it's been two and a half years now...)!   

In our house, I go to work while my husband stays at home looking after the youngest and making sure he gets to and from school. He's certainly no poster boy for stay at home dads but he's still in training, (it's been two and a half years now...)!   

I have one set of friends who the Dad is a house husband/stay at home dad for his 4 year old, and his wife is pregnant again so he's happy he doesn't have to go back to work now

I have another friend 7 months pregnant and the Dad will only work part time/work from home other days so that he can be home with the child as well and the Mum will be full time working.

I think its awesome

I would love it if my DH would be a SAHD!  He's not too excited about the concept just yet, but I'm working on him. 

I would love it if my DH would be a SAHD!  He's not too excited about the concept just yet, but I'm working on him. 

He'd be so good at it! 

Soooo happy to hear it's just my MIL!

Really, she's living in the Victorian era. The things she says makes me cringe. I know it's only because that's the life she's led and wants to feel it amounts to something, and of course it does, but it's just not for me. My own mother is the polar opposite of this, thankfully, and my DF seems untainted by MIL's wacky views.

I want to be a SAHM, but don't have the luxury now as DH has been hit hard by the recession and can't find work.  Once he does I will stay home, but the home responsibilities are very much shared right now.  That's our personal family belief, but I've never felt pressure to be one way or another.  My British husband cooks as much as I do and is the official laundry man.  He loves to iron his own shirts (calls it therapeutic--now if I could just convince him that women's clothes are therapeutic too).  When I'm working full-time, he takes nearly all the household work, when we're both working, we share them equally.  He has also been fantastic with our baby. 

Your MIL only knows what her experience is.  It always amazes me how people think that because their way worked out for them that everyone one should do it this way.  You definitely need to live your life how you desire and do what makes you happy.  There's so many wonderful ways to raise children, thank goodness.

One thing that I have noticed living in London is that there are loads of my friends who have nannies. This was not a common experience for me in California. Is this just a London thing? Maybe there's fewer after-school programs here in London, which requires the need for nannies? My friends that have nannies are both for school age children, where Mom and Dad are both working and some with smaller children where the Mom works part-time from home.  These are not millionaire friends, they do make decent salaries though. 

I definitely would keeps those boundaries up with the MIL and know she's only speaking from her own experience and really knows no better.  Good luck.