Employer Woes and Housekeeper Woes

Jeez, it looks like it IS legal 

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Employment/Employees/Timeoffandholidays/DG_10034711

Yeah, that's pretty much bunk! 

I'm totally stunned that they can even do that!

I'm guessing he's checked to see that's even legal?

Yep, totally legal. Sucks a whole lot, but what can you do?  And since the Government kind of has a monopoly on the whole running the trains thing, it's not like he can just go elsewhere, either.  Ah, well. Just something to deal with, unfortunately.

Unfortunately, that's not an option.  Our Thanksgiving is on Sunday to allow all the married "kids" (as my aunt calls them) to have Thursday with their in-laws. Plus, the family from out of state can't arrive any earlier than Saturday night. It's complicated and confusing, but it works for my family. My family will NOT do a weeknight dinner. I had a hard enough time getting them to come to our Friday night wedding reception, let alone throw Thanksgiving dinner on a Friday night, which is where it would have to move to, since Tim would need to go to the airport on Saturday.

Well, that sucks but welcome to the life of an immigrant.  You might as well prepare yourself for the rest of your life of missing family events or doing things on your own.  It's all just part of the decision you made to move to another country and the price you pay.  It's too bad that your family won't compromise but there you go. 
You haven't even moved here, right?  It'll get worse than this, believe me.  Lots of people never get to go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  You'll get used to it.

And like I said... a lot can happen in a year!

I would leave it and about 6 months before Thanksgiving, tell your family sorry, but he has to work so you're not coming over.  So what if they're mad?  You'll be over here surely, by then, and out of the line of wrath.  Your duty is now to your husband, not mom. Sounds like there's a heckofa lot of selfishness running through your family tree.

Well, that sucks but welcome to the life of an immigrant. 

Bingo.

I mean, it'll only be your first Thanksgiving away, so I don't think you can complain for another 10 years (judging by the experience of some UKYers)! It's a shame to miss it, but it's not the end of the world, right?

As for the cleaning lady, just kindly tell her that you don't need her anymore. She knew it was a temporary job, so I don't really see the problem. Tim got along without her before, and I'm sure he can manage without her until you turn up.

Bingo.

I mean, it'll only be your first Thanksgiving away, so I don't think you can complain for another 10 years (judging by the experience of some UKYers)! It's a shame to miss it, but it's not the end of the world, right?

This is kinda where my thoughts were heading.  I know it seems like a big deal now, but honestly in the grand scheme of things?  It's not.  When you live transatlantic, you learn that you can't get home for everything.  And not to sound bitchy, but you gotta just suck it up and deal.  Just look on the bright side and try and think of things you CAN do with the leave he was given!

you gotta just suck it up and deal. 

This is my motto! Mind if I steal it for my sig? 

I typed a huge reply (well a huge reply considering it was done with my thumbs) on my phone last night, but it didn't seem to go through.  The cleaning lady thing would totally anger me as well.  I agree that it is likely Tim should let her go, but I think that if you do end up hiring someone in the future, you guys need to make sure boundaries firm and observed.  It probably has to do with the friend of the family thing, but if Tim does decide to keep her on (and I have an odd feeling he might do that), he needs to be clear about what her role is.  You (as in you and Tim) don't need to be arsey about it, you can be respectful to her the whole while being assertive about what she is to do and not do.  FWIW, if Tim absolutely needs an extra set of hands, it's probably not hard to find someone willing to do it for a little extra money.  I think the friend of the family thing is affecting it from both the woman's end and possibly Tim's end.

As for going home, I've not seen my parents and one sister since September '07.  I've not seen that sister's kids (and she's had two more since) since December '06.  I have another sister who I haven't seen for four years who also has a child I've never met.  It isn't because I don't love them, worry about them, and want to see them more often.  I just can't.

 We were meant to go to visit this past Spring and my husband developed bad veins.  The doctor wants him to have his veins stripped and recover a month or two before he flies.  He's not had the time at work to 1)schedule a surgery that will let him off work 2)then be able to schedule a long holiday a few months later.  His legs were a bit better over the Summer, so we were going to risk it for Christmas this year.  We were set to pay for an in person visit at the PEO for my ILR, and because my window of opportunity for applying for it was so small (I came in before they started giving the longer spousal visas and entered relatively late on my 24 month visa so I had about 4 or 5 days I could do the appointment), we had to send away for the ILR.  Eleven weeks and counting on that wait, so, of course, no Christmas in the US.  My parents have not been well, so it's a bit of a disappointment.

I'd love to have them here, but neither of my parents are really able to travel due to health conditions.  One of my sisters is coming to visit (maybe) next year. 

What about going over that week he has off anyways, and you two just having Thanksgiving dinner with your Mom on the actual day?  Sure, it wouldn't be with your whole family, but you'd still get to celebrate and could make a nice vacation of it even with missing the Sunday dinner.   

That vacation policy sucks, though!!

but you gotta just suck it up and deal. 

This is my motto! Mind if I steal it for my sig? 

That should be the forum motto.  IMO.

Re: the holiday leave policy - it's common for shift workers to have preset leave days, especially when their employer operates 24/7/365.  DH has been working as an electricity trader for over five years now; we have been together for nearly six years, married for nearly three, and we have spent exactly one Christmas together - never mind being able to spend that holiday (or any others!) with my family in the US.  

Being an expat is hard.  Being an expat married to someone with inflexible leave patterns is harder.  But you just have to make your own traditions.  Are my parents happy that they haven't seen DH since our wedding, aside from two days for a family wedding in NYC in May 2008?  Or that I spent last year with DH here in the UK, instead of coming home?  They aren't - but ultimately they understood that on the one year in six that he didn't actually have to work on Christmas day, but still had to work on the days surrounding, it would have been ridiculous for me to have come home, so we stayed put here and bought a tree and exchanged gifts and watched Doctor Who.  

I haven't been home for Thanksgiving since 2005 - the day DH and I got engaged, and the only time he's been able to spend a major holiday in the same place as me AND any of my US family - but I have an amazing 'family' of expat friends in Yorkshire and we've made a Thanksgiving tradition of our own.  Yeah, it sucks to hear about friends being able to fly home for Christmas together, or spend Thanksgiving in the US, or even just spend their birthday with their partner - but such is life.  It might seem impossible now, but you really will adjust - or you will decide that the life of inflexible leave patterns doesn't work for you as a couple, and Tim will change jobs.  As genau said, a lot can change in a year - or five years, or ten years.  Your family will adapt.  If mine can, anyone's can!

This is kinda where my thoughts were heading.  I know it seems like a big deal now, but honestly in the grand scheme of things?  It's not.  When you live transatlantic, you learn that you can't get home for everything.  And not to sound bitchy, but you gotta just suck it up and deal.  Just look on the bright side and try and think of things you CAN do with the leave he was given!

Yep, I think the first few times you miss something back home it really hurts, but it does get better over time. I think it's also good to try not to dwell on it too much because then it's also easier to really embrace your life here in the UK.

Right now my best friend (who is really like my sister) is undergoing chemo, and it kills me that I can't be there for her. I'm having a baby in the spring, she's the godmother and she's crushed that she can't come over for it. But modern technology is a godsend and we are indeed sucking it up  

That's really crazy about the enforced leave dates though. I'm surprised the unions haven't taken care of that by now!

That's really crazy about the enforced leave dates though. I'm surprised the unions haven't taken care of that by now!

Not really.  Because of my job I'm only allowed to take paid leave during the school holidays.  A lot of of professions are like that.  I guess they figure that it's something you agree to when you come to work for them.

Holiday traditions usually change when one gets married (esp when one moves far from their family). I am NOT at all happy about how Christmas Day will be spent this year, and would frankly prefer to skip it all together, but it is the way it is and I will quietly suck it up for the day.  My husband and I have started to develop Boxing Day traditions rather than Christmas ones and I am focusing on those instead.  

I say that if missing Thanksgiving a year in the future is the biggest of one's worries, count yourself lucky!