Is resentment normal?

Well, we are now almost 6 months into our UK adventure.  We've had both sets of parents over for a visit -- nice visits both times.  My parents were here for a week and just left on Saturday.  It was a great visit, but I have been kind of blue knowing that we won't get back to the States to see our families again until August.  Not that long, I know, but it seems like a long time.

I am trying very hard to adjust.  I try everyday to put on a brave face and cope with things.  I say things are "fine", when they aren't, because when I tell my husband how I am really feeling he gets upset and says "But I thought you were happy."  Well, I am trying to be happy, but it's a lot of hard fricking work sometimes!  So, he accuses me of pretending that I am fine.  Well, sometimes you gotta fake it, because it will do me no good to cry in the middle of the playground or Sainsbury's.  I try to be cheerful and upbeat, but then when I get down and depressed he acts all confused, like I can only feel one way or another.

What I am really struggling with now, is resentment towards my husband for moving us over here.  I know, I am an adult, and did agree to this move, but it was his idea and he pushed for it.  I agreed because I've said no to moves in the past and felt like a witch for always saying no, so I said yes.  I hate moving.  I dislike change of any kind.  I had a terrible time with post-partum depression after my son's birth and it hung around for over 2 years.  I was finally feeling back to "myself" last winter, then hubby came up with the brilliant idea to move to the UK.  "It will be fun, an adventure," said he.  Now I am wondering if this move hasn't been a bad idea, rather than a good one.

Well, it has been some kind of adventure, but I wouldn't describe it as fun.  I had lots of friends in Minneapolis, would speak with someone on the phone almost everday, get together a couple times a week for coffee, have a "girl's night out" with my college girlfriends at least once a month.  I know, it takes time to make friends here, but I have a hard time meeting new people and opening up to them.  I had one friend, who I had thought was a really good friend, but our moving over here destroyed the relationship, for lots of reasons.  I had thought I could trust her, but she totally betrayed that trust.  For that reason I am having a really hard time trusting and opening up to new people here.  

I feel very lonely and resent the heck (but stronger) out of my husband for putting me into this situation.  To top it off, there are several loose ends that need clearing up, mostly financial stuff.  When I ask him to please take care of it he tells me he will, then makes one e-mail or phone call and forgets about it for another couple weeks, when I ask about it again he tells me he's very busy with work.  I know that, but what about our life?  I asked him last night if his work was more important than our family and he said "Of course not", but you know how actions speak louder than words.  It's getting so that if I say anything about anything I feel I am nagging him, but these are issues HE has to take care of, due to their nature.

I love my husband, but I don't like him much at all right now.  I am trying hard to get involved with things, like my son's school and my volunteer organization, but it's a struggle.  I feel like I had my life set up comfortably back in Minneapolis, now everything's been turned upside down and inside out.  This has really taken a toll on our relationship and I don't want that.  His answer is to say "Well, I'll just find a way to move back to the States."  I don't know if I can go through the stress, not to mention the expense, of moving again so soon!  So, I don't think that's an option.  

How do I get past these feelings of resentment, loss, and loneliness?  Does it just really take time?  Should we seek out some counseling?  Will it get better?

OK, now that I've poured my innermost feelings out I'm going to hide in the closet again.  

You have been going through a lot but certainly no need to hide in the closet  
You've both made dramatic changes in your life by relocating yourselves in another country and this will inevitably have an impact on both of you. Trying to adapt and make a new life, is in itself difficult enough but it is certainly made worse if you and your husband are not working together. Discussion and being frank and honest with each other ensures that the issues can be addressed and resolved.
Is 'faking it' a good idea. The problems should be 'open and aired' otherwise they get buried inside and this is when stress will come into it. This is when you start feeling that there is no way out of the situation. I know it can be an easier option to keep things to yourself because it makes for an easier life but this is not an answer in the long term and things will deteriorate, especially if your husband tends to bury his head in the sand.
As presented, I can see communication is one of the problems but there are a number of important, personal issues in your comments which really need addressing if the situation is not to deteriorate further. They are concerns that, in my opinion, may be better discussed privately and I would be more than happy to do this with you.

(((((hugs)))))) to Stephanie

I experience resentment at times as well, it comes and goes. I'd bet my life that others experience it as well but can't/won't admit it here, I've not mentioned it at all publicly before.

I don't have much in the way of constructive advice, but what I try to do is remember all of the reasons why the choice was made, and why it seemed right at the time. Trying to be logical and less emotional about it seems to help me most times. It seems to me that you should appreciate that your man is willing to move to the US, we are not all so lucky. I think that one can make a new life just as good as the other if they really want to, and keep focusing on the positive things rather than the negative. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I'm really fed up with the hardships of all of this. It passes. It also seems to be magnified when just having had a visit with relatives either there or here, or when my hubby makes a comment to his friends/family about how he'd like to live in the US, it blows me away, he didn't want to when he had the chance.   I don't say anything either, and I'll admit that's not the best thing, but it is the easiest. :-/ It'll do for the time being, things do get better, it's not as hard as it was when I went through the initial homesick period between 3-6 months in. That seems to be common amongst us, might it be that? Hang in there.

Can I join you in the closet then?

((((hugs))))

Thanks Leah, and Phoenix, for your comments.  I am feeling much better today.  DH and I started talking about things last night (before he got distracted by a phone call from his very talkative aunt who is in a crisis), and plan to talk some more tonight.  I got out today and went to Godstone Farm with another mum and the kids.  We had a really nice day  

I've been told that the first year is the hardest, and that feelings of resentment aren't uncommon.  I'm going to try to go with the flow more, communicate better, and give myself time to adjust.  

Stephanie

MORE HUGS!!!!!

Remember one thing, this was a major change for both of you. The easiest thing to do is rejudge the decisions. Here is the straight truth - you make the decisions you do with the information you have at the time. Trying to remake the decisions after the fact with new knowledge causes stress and self- doubt. Then there is unease all the way around. Go over in your head the reasons that were true way back when. Also find a cheaper way to keep in touch with friends in the States!! My closest friends are now all in far away lands and we do keep in touch VERY regularly. Somewhere in this board people posted some great long distance phone advice. Also AIM now has a download that allows you to talk over the internet to your friends and family.

You are lucky to have a young child - try a mums and kids club. I know young moms who were lonely in their situation as mom who made new connections that way. A lot of their present friend weren't mothers yet so couldn't share any of what the moms were going through.

But most of all find time to be good to yourself, doesn't have to be expensive, but has to be for you. Maybe hot bath with candles, maybe your absolute favorite snack, maybe spending Sunday morning in bed (on the phone visiting with family or friends) while dad spends time with his heir.  

Also, and this may sound trite, but pay attention to your nutrition, but you can't find some of your old comfort food. This can affect our emotions!!!

Hang in there - it is an adventure!!!

The day I started enjoying living here was when I met up with American women having gone through the same thing I did. It was an instant comaradarie, and I suddenly felt like I wasn't alone. If you haven't met up with any of us yet, how about making some plans to do so? I don't always get in your area, but stranger things have happened!

Yes, that'd be fun LisaE.  I am trying to go out of my comfort zone more and meet new people and put myself into new situations.  It's hard sometimes, but I am always glad that I've done it afterwards.

Stephanie

Hi Stephanie.

I know I'm a little late replying and I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better about things, but I did just want to say that it is completely normal to feel the way you do.  We all go through some form of this at some point or another, no matter what the circumstances for our move were.

The six month mark is a tough one.  There is a definate cycle to the adjustment of moving to a new country, and right around the six to eight month mark, there is a serious dip.  But, the good thing is that it does tend to get better after that point.  

There's no prescriptive method to making yourself feel better, unfortunately, but as LisaE said, many of us have found that just making a connection with someone who can totally understand really can help get you through the slumps.  It is of course important to try to reach out to people around you, who will be mostly British, more than likely, but there's nothing like knowing that there is someone who can understand your feelings the way another American who's gone through the same thing can.  

My advice would be keep your hubby involved and keep talking to him about how you're feeling.  One technique someone suggested to me once was to use a rating scale.  If you're not feeling up to going through a bit emotional discussion of how you're feeling and why, at the very least, let him know how you're feeling on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being "I'm calling you from the airport" every day.  Then if you're having a particularly bad day, maybe you can talk about it and he can be prepared to offer you some extra cuddles and support.  Men hate guessing these things, and they seem to respond quite well to clear messages.  And sometimes we women don't give clear messages until we end up screaming "I can't take it anymore!" which is a wee bit late in the slump, if you know what I mean.  

I'm sure you'll start feeling better soon.  Give yourself permission to be a bit sad about the life you've lost, it's perfectly natural.  If you didn't mourn the loss of your old life fully, you wouldn't be able to really get out there and embrase your new one fully.  

And if all else fails, I'm in London as are several others...and I know the location of about 20 Starbucks that are always willing to offer Coffee Therapy.    

You know, my hubby got me a gift cert. to the Sanctuary Spa in Covent Garden for Christmas.  I have just got to get off my butt and book myself in on a day when he can drop off and pick up Cole from school, so I can just stay in London for the day/evening.  I could even stay overnight with our Coke friends.  THEN, I could arrange to meet some UK-Y folks for coffee or something.  I'll let you know when I get a day booked -- probably at least a month or more away, due to DH's work schedule.

Stephanie

I too have felt resentment towards my boyfriend.  I am living with him and his Mum until I can find my own place.  I gave up my apartment, my friends, my family, my pets, my car...everything I owned.  And now I am looking for a studio apartment because he is not ready to move out yet.  I keep telling myself that I want my own place anyway, but why should I pay for a flat on my own when I know he will be there all the time, staying over, eating my grub, etc.  Will he ever want to move out?  No, I can't picture it.  He doesn't do his own laundy, doesn't cook, doesn't have to do a thing, his Mum (who I really like) does it all for him.  He has no idea how to do laundry and really has no need to learn.  If he has a perscription to be refilled it just magically appears on the counter when he comes home.  Packages make there way to the post office for him.  Everything is done for him.  I guess you get the picture.  He has no responsibility so why would he want any?  
I admit, I had no idea how bad it was until I came here and now I have a hard time picturing a future where he ever gets out of that house.  Why should he?  He has no idea how satisfying it is to be responsible for your own actions and life.  

Ugh.  I don't know what to do.
-Kate

It's encouraging and heart warming to see such support among UKYankee members. I'm also pleased to see that things look a little better for you Stephanie. Take one step at a time (as the song goes.... ) and do take up some of the offers. It does no harm at all in expanding your social circle and alleviating the possibility of isolation. I wish you both well.

Hi Kate

What you experience with your partner is unfortunately, not an uncommon trait. As you state, if everything is done for him, why should he change. What's your relationship like with his Mother. Would there be any advantage in talking to her about it, though this has its dangers of course. One thing is certain, she is a principal player in the difficulty
I'm sure your partner can do all these things for himself but there is not a need for him to do so. Its a question of control and responsibility, your partner may prefer to be directed and perhaps he finds security in this. Its something to ponder over.
Relationships do need a sharing approach, not only in love but also in their contributions to the partnership. Is your partner actually aware of his limited responsibilities. Have you talked to him about this. What you don't need is to get into the position of him thinking 'well, she's not going to do it for me so I'm not moving' and on your part 'he's getting nothing of mine till he can act like mature adult' as it would be inevitable that you would drift apart.
Sometimes Kate, being more assertive is a measure that can be called upon.
I hope it all works out for you both
Take care.
Tom

I get resentful every day.  I'm annoyed that my husband refused to consider living in the United States, because  now I'm stuck in this dreary hell of a country.  I thought it wouldn't be such a big deal because I didn't like Texas anyway, but it IS a big deal.  I hate it here and I don't think I'll ever learn to love it.  All I want to do is pack my sh*t up and go home.

How long have you been there now Stacey?  

{{{Stacey}}}