How long for a visa to emmigrate?

Yeah, there is something called the 'Diversity Visa Lottery' for the US...but for the last couple of years the UK (Except those from Northern Ireland) hasn't been able to participate.

I thought the UK hadn't been on that since before 99. 

I know you can't get on the next plane over but are you saying you can't get a permanent resident visa unless you qualify for one of the above that you mentioned?

Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying.  You have to demonstrate a reason why you want to move to the UK, such as you and your British spouse want to live there, or you want to study there, or you have a job offer from there.  If you don't qualify, you can't do it.