Need advice

Hello UKyankee. As some of you know im in a LDR with a girl in the UK. We have known each other over a year and been a couple for 6months officially. Everything has been great up until this point.

My girlfriend is in 2nd year UNI and in a placement right now. She is very dedicated to her coursework as she should be. We have always talked daily and still do but its becoming less and less. Even with her coursework before shes been able to talk with interest throughout the day.

She told me she is overwhelmed with coursework, barely sleeping, just doing school work. I know it needs to be done. I just got back from a trip 2 weeks ago to see her. I wanted to make a quick trip next month but she doesnt think it will be a good idea for it wouldnt be "enjoyable" all she will be doing is school work. (that is all she does) the fact she may not be up for a few day visit doesnt sit well with me. now i dont know when next visit will be. Because i have less on my plate currently thats all im thinking about, stressing on maintaining this relationship, developing it and our next visit. Obviously this is not as much of an issue for her right now due to uni and placement.

I finished my last semester at college in december, and i transferred to a uni in the UK, now im not as busy and dont start up again until sept when i move and end the distance.

my problem lies here, things are changing in the relationship and im afraid we may not make it these next few months. these next few months will be the true test, challenge in our relationship. Shes extremely busy right now and for first time im not. I want to develop the relationship more and she cant as much all the sudden it seems. ( not by choice)

Now talking a lot daily has always helped me through the distance and i see that becoming less as the weeks pass. Also we usually have seen each other every 2-3months. Well our next visit (since she may not be ok with feb) may be april or ?

Not having a date set also is not sitting well with me. So i have a feeling im gonna be in bad shape these next few months with little to look forward to and the feeling i dont even have a girlfriend. the distance is hard enough and now with her buried deep in other priorities its gonna be hard on me.

It hasnt always been like this and maybe its just temporary. She is overworked, stressed, lacking sleep, i wish i could help her. Another bad thing about the distance. There is nothing i can do to help like if i was there. I know all i can do is try to be accepting and keep fully supporting her.

As much as i can do that it still will wear and tear on me and my needs. Im not sure how im gonna cope, since all the elements that have helped me in the past deal with the distance are not present.

If anyone can relate, been there done that, or have any words of advice i really could use some. This is going to be our toughest period and i hope we can make it through these crucial next months. I dont want be unhappy and feel pushed to the side, or have my needs left in the dark. I feel i may be unhappy and i dont want to mess the relationship up. I am really not sure what to do, or how to get through this.

*I do want to add she has done an amazing job balancing and making time for me and us. i just see things hitting a rough patch coming up

Some of what you want to hear: Myrelationship went thru a sort of similar time and made it through.  After we met, my now husband was the one to "chase" me - he would phone, email, IM, etc.  Then, he started a new business and was absolutely devoted to that and only that for about 18 months.  We would speak only 2-3 times a week and I felt like I was always the one chasing after him. I backed off and let him do what he needed to do and most importantly never nagged him about the lack of "effort" that I thought he was putting into the relationship.  He did find a balance after the major pressure of starting his business had passed and now I've moved here and things are great.

Some of what you dont want to hear:  You two are much younger than my husband and I and my first feeling about your girlfriend's actions is that she may have lost interest. The novelty has worn off.  I am sorry to not sugar coat, but if I were her, I would think you've come on very strong very quickly and may be a bit needy (from your previous posts) and she may very well be scared now that you have transfered to a UK Uni to be with her. 

My advice, which is worth exactly what youve paid for it, is to give her lots of  space.

thanks for your response. no she has not lost interest we still talk daily, she doenst have much of a social life outside of school work, shes always been focused on that.

I'm tending to agree with mirrajay...

As she's told you, she's overstressed, overworked, up to her eyeballs in studies, not sleeping much and she has you demanding time that she just doesn't have. Part of loving someone is recognizing when you need to take a back seat to whatever they're dealing with and let them come back around...

It's probably best to just back off for a while, let her know that when she's feeling less hectic you're there for her.

Why not spend some of your free time exploring your new uni & wonderful place that you now find yourself.

Part of being in a relationship is recognizing that it's not about you all of the time and allowing the other person to take care of what they need to. How would you feel that if instead of spending the time on her studies she spent it with you and failed...all those years of work down the drain?

I think you need to be less selfish and put her needs first.

WebyJ, thanks. That is why i posted here for advice so things dont get bad and our relationship remains successful, strong. I am def not asking her to sacrifce her studies for me by any means. I just hope there will remain a balance.

I feel this would be lot easier if i was closer, the long distance adds its own issues. I find it when i was busy before i had less time to think, where as now i notice this stuff more.

i appreciate it, do not want to mess up anything in the future

I feel this would be lot easier if i was closer, the long distance adds its own issues. I find it when i was busy before i had less time to think, where as now i notice this stuff more.

The may I make a suggestion? Find something to keep yourself busy...get involved in something that interests you...volunteer anything...it sounds like her situation hasn't changed but it's you instead...you're bored...find a hobby that will keep you busy.

I hate to say it, but if you are talking daily, then that should be enough. Before I moved to the UK to be with my husband I was finishing my graduate degree and often had to let him go so I could study and write papers and focus on my schoolwork. He understood and gave me the space I needed in order to do what I had to do. I think you should give her some space and let her call you when she has time. Just drop her an email here and there and let her know you are there for her and still waiting, but otherwise, let her come to you. If you can't talk every day or if your conversations are short, don't take it personally. Maybe she really is busy.

thanks for your response. no she has not lost interest we still talk daily, she doenst have much of a social life outside of school work, shes always been focused on that.

Still talk daily and you want more??  What else do you want??


xposted with Jewlz

I agree, i just got back from my vacation and been feeling bit low lately. I have some things lined up shortly. Easier said then done sometimes, i have my positive good points as well as low points, guess that comes with the territory.

Jewlz thanks. I do let her contact me first, sometimes ill leave a nice morning message before her day. I guess sometimes i have my down, bad moments, cant always stay positive. this LDR has been a huge challenge in its self. I think sometimes i do take things personally.

This post isn't particular to this thread, just in general about relationships. My own LDR just ended and I'm still trying to calculate how and why the relationship ended. However I offer this piece of advice to everyone: don't let yourself wallow in limbo. I believe that as long as you both are committed to making the relationship work, and as long as both of you know the other is committed, you should be able to get over any rough patch.

In my situation, we DID speak almost every day, mostly when he was driving home because he had a long commute. Sometimes the conversations would be long, sometimes they would be short. There were visits scheduled, there were talks of meeting 'half-way' in NYC... When I flew out of Heathrow in December for a holiday visit, I had no idea I would be flying back single. I guess what I'm trying to say is that regardless of how much you talk or plan, if both parties aren't committed, the relationship is doomed.

Even if you two only speak a few times a week, as long as both of you are committed and SECURE in the relationship, it will be fine. If you keep second-guessing, it will eat away at your relationship.

rynn im sorry we have spoke many times so feel free to message me if you need.

I don't mean this to be harsh/negative in any way, but when I read your posts (esp. your initial one), I get the following impressions:

- you feel neglected by your g/f even though you talk every day and you know she's short on time/energy/sleep
- you're very concerned the relationship will fall apart even though you talk every day
- you want to be with her on a regular/frequent basis, though this isn't likely to happen until you head over in September

Never having met you or your g/f, I can only speculate, but in her position, I would feel the following:

- that I was giving more than I should to the relationship by talking every day and being short on sleep/high on stress (unless talking every day doesn't cut into her sleep time)
- that the relationship could fall apart if you're demanding more time than that and I'm not sleeping as it is
- that LDRs have to be dealt with and, by their very nature, mean you can't be together on a regular basis (you'd mentioned her wanting to go out of town with family rather than see you, which stinks for you but doesn't seem completely unreasonable)

Given all that, I echo what mirrajay and rynn have said...find ways to stay busy, try not to give off too many "needy" vibes (as that stresses people out at best, and turns them off at worst), and don't give her any grief/guilt trips about studying/wanting to vacation with family/etc. (I'm not saying that you would, but it's something to guard against, because having done the LDR thing myself, that also kills a relationship pretty quickly.)

Good luck...September isn't that far away, so if you can make it until then, things should be easier.

again thanks. Yes ive had past relationship issues been cheated on in my last 2, and for the first time im in a healthy relationship with someone i can see myself with long term. I wrote here instead of saying things to her, and also because i dont want to mess up anything, shes a great girl and we have a great relationship.

i think everyone has issues personally and in relationships they need to work on, you continue growing and learning.... most the time, more often then not im positive and supportive, yes i have off days here and there like these last 2 days.

Talking does not interupt her sleep, we usually email a bit while shes doing school work in the evenings and so forth. Im usually the one telling her to go to bed and get some sleep, and always try to offer ways to help or cheer her up.

As for the family thing, trip..who knows if thats happening and honestly im all for it, she will see me before or after. I have bad days , days that are harder then others due to LDR, things most couples dont have to go through.

Im use to having a set date to the next trip has always helped, so no its not a great feeling not knowing when your gonna see your SO next.

But yes you are right i do not want to give off needy vibes, however wanting to see your SO after months apart isnt needy, and i dont demand time from her i keep that to myself when i feel that way or vent about in places like here when im feeling eh! lol

thanks for the good luck wishes

Im use to having a set date to the next trip has always helped, so no its not a great feeling not knowing when your gonna see your SO next.

But yes you are right i do not want to give off needy vibes, however wanting to see your SO after months apart isnt needy, and i dont demand time from her i keep that to myself when i feel that way or vent about in places like here when im feeling eh! lol

True, but wanting to know when you'll see each other again a mere 2 weeks after you've been together might come across as needy. Believe me, I am a Planner, I'm miserable when I don't have exact info and plans and backup plans for my backup plans for things. Still, you know that if nothing else, you'll see each other in September, so perhaps don't rush her on when your/her next visit will be quite yet.