relationship rant

so, i have been in the UK for about two months now.  still need to go home eventually to get the fiancee visa, but will probably be here another two months.  the boyfriend and i have been having "space issues" since about the 2nd or 3rd week.  there are two things that i think are effecting us...living with his parents and the fact that he doesn't have a job yet.  i am a bit more clingy and insecure that i would normally be, given the situation...being so far from home and not being able to really settle into any routine, etc.  he seems to want very little time with me, or at least have almost as much time to himself to do what he normally does (watch tv, work/play online, play bowls...), and the intimacy in our relationship is nearly non-existent (affectionate he is, but passionate not...which he used to be before).  he says he is a bit of a loner and the 24/7 with me is very hard on him.  i tried to strike up a conversation about compatibility last night (have been trying to speak to him about what is going on, but he normally shuts down or changes the subject).  it seems to me that is a normal and healthy thing to talk about before we take the big plunge.  i told him it is important to me that i am a priority and we have a real partnership and asked what he wants out of our relationship...and does he feel we are compatible.  his response was to tell me of course i'm a priority, i'm here and that he is always here, so why would i feel we don't have enough time together (to which i say you can be physically present, but not emotionally, etc).  he also said "you've seen who i am, i'm not going to change.  you have a wee while to decide if this is what you want.  maybe you should go home for a while to see if you miss me."  it seemed a bit of a one-sided conversation to me and i was simply trying to get a bit of open dialogue, as we both know things aren't going fabulously.  i think it's important to try and find out if this is because of the situation at the moment, or...?  i don't claim to know exactly what a relationship should be like or how much give/take is involved, but what i would have liked is if he said something like "this is important to me.  how do you think we can work it out."  telling me he wants to be with me/marry me because he loves me isn't really enough.  am i wrong?

  Hon,I think you already know where this relationship is going unless your bf does a complete turn-around. It sounds like he is not ready to "work" on your future right now 

  Its really down to you I think,if you are willing to put up with this,then you can do things for yourself I know how hard it is when your in a new place esp a new country!Feeling clingy and insecure is very normal.You are going have to take that first step and get out and meet people and get to know your city/town or village.Find some new hobbies~~ anything to do something for yourself without your bf involved.

  If this doesnt work or it seems like it doesnt make any difference,then honestly ,I think you should go home for good  and consider this a painful but leaning  lesson.~~We cant change others only ourself,and you dont need someone who isnt willing to give your realtionship a real effort.

  Dont worry hon ,no one has the magick potion for a "perfect" relationship.Like in life there are good and bad times,and you learn as you go.BTW you are on the right track I feel by trying to communicate with your bf.That is so important in any kind of realtionship.

     Good luck hon no matter what happens for you,and keep us informed!

     Rhia

 

 
 

It's probably because neither of you are working.
24/7 is an un-natural situation... i know for a FACT that i couldnt cope with it... I can't even deal with it for 2 days over the weekend!  I am the 'loner' in my marriage.. my DH wants to be with me all the time, and i just need SPACE!   

Living with parents is yet another un-natural situation, which is putting pressure on both of you.

I'm no relationship expert, but i would advise NOT getting married until he is working and has his own place.  Then you could come spend time with him in that setting to see if things improve (I'll bet they do!).  And if you're happy with the improvements, THEN take the plunge!

Good luck!

patience was never one of my virtues...altho i'm doin my best.  my mom will be here thursday for about a week and then i'm taking myself off to galway/aran islands for a week or so.  hopefully, he will have a job soon and we can get a place, then test things out more.

Hi Suzer,   I happen to be in a very similar situation... I have only recently come over to the UK (at the end of April) to be with my boyfriend in Scotland. He also is still living with his parents, and the situation can be very cramped at times. Although our relationship is totally solid, we occasionally have the most ridiculous arguments, probably the direct result of being in eachother's presence pretty much constantly. I also seem to have bouts of clinginess and insecurity, which puts added strain on things. I'm sure your fiance is still very much in love with you, especially as he says he wants to marry you, so don't even worry about that.... but it's hard for ANYONE to be with someone 24/7, even married couples. And because your boyfriend says he is a loner, being in the presence of someone all the time is something he may not be used to, and it may be causing him to shut off a bit. It's probably not that he cares any less about you, some people just need time to be alone to process their thoughts. My boyfriend and I find that when we take breaks from eachother we're usually alot happier and we don't argue as much.

When you do go back to get the fiancee visa, that will give both of you a real break from eachother and time to REALLY assess things for yourselves and decide if it's really going to work out. ~Honeybee

thanks honeybee (and everyone else, btw).  yes, i knew he was a loner, in a sense, before i came.  he disappeared on me for a while after we had met because he got frightened...and he has some problems with anxiety, so can be reticent.  i'm trying to be patient and understanding, but not at the risk of my emotional health.  he is making efforts and his mom told me he is back to his old self since i got here (he'd had a rough winter), so it's not all bad...i just want to make sure he is (repeating myself here) willing and able.

by the way, it is sooo good to have this board as an outlet.

I think that Broxi is right on target...and in fact is saying almost excactly what I would have said.  (I agree 100% with waiting to wed until he is working and has his own place...)

The only thing I would add is to do with the folks...just looking at different people I know who have lived with family (and thier partners), it is quite difficult.  Your BF may feel as if he can not be "passionate" when he's in his parents home...sort of a throw back to the teenage years.  Also, there are probably a lot of other personality traits he is showing primarily because his folks are there.  It is very common for people to behave differently around thier parents when with their partners.  I, for example, would never dream of being overly touchy-feely or kissy-kissy with my man while my folks were around...

My suggestion, for what it's worth, is that you and the BF should take some time off together...after you get your personal time in Gallway.  Even if it's just a weekend in Bath or a B&B 10 miles down the road.  If you were able to get a week alone together, great, but just a few days may bring some passion back...and maybe help to open the communication gates...

thanks honeybee (and everyone else, btw).  yes, i knew he was a loner, in a sense, before i came.  he disappeared on me for a while after we had met because he got frightened...and he has some problems with anxiety, so can be reticent.  i'm trying to be patient and understanding, but not at the risk of my emotional health.  he is making efforts and his mom told me he is back to his old self since i got here (he'd had a rough winter), so it's not all bad...i just want to make sure he is (repeating myself here) willing and able.

by the way, it is sooo good to have this board as an outlet.

I've been in a relationship with a disappearing man before and trust me, if he's done it before, he'll do it again.  I was left at the airport because he "forgot" to pick me up, he stood me up more than he showed up and in my darkest hours of need, he never came thru for me.  It's no wonder I finally got up the nerve to leave him but it took me a long time to get my head together.  I try not to make anyone else pay the price of his sins because I'm partly to blame for not walking away sooner.  I've just been down this road before with someone who is very hot and cold, asking for marriage and children one day and 2 days later, won't show up for dinner plans that he arranged.

Didn't mean to hijack or anything.  Just be careful and get yourself estabished in something that doesn't involve him.  You have to create your own life here or you'll never feel like you can function on your own.  Simple things like taking a walk or going into a shop for a paper can help.  I have to get outside every day or I want to go mad.

 Good luck..  if you feel like you're giving too much and not getting anything in return, you probably are.  Been there, done that, won't ever go down that road again. 

he also said "you've seen who i am, i'm not going to change.  you have a wee while to decide if this is what you want.  maybe you should go home for a while to see if you miss me."

It's this part that worries me.

In order for any relationship to work, both people have to "change" somewhat.  It's called compromise.  And putting the onus on you - see if you miss him - well, of course you're going to miss him.  The question he was really asking was, would you miss him enough to take him just as he is and not ask him to change because you so can't bear the thought of being without him.

My husband and I were in our 30's when we married - neither of us had been married before, or even really and truly lived with someone else before.  We both moved out of our parents' homes to be together.  I had been raising 2 children as a single mother for over a decade.  And even we, who should have been so set in our ways, have changed and evolved and made compromises in our relationship.  And it's been very equal, as well.

Enjoy the time with your mother.  Enjoy your time travelling alone.  And then, maybe you should follow some of his advice and "go home."  And see if he misses you.

Transatlantic relationships are so different from "regular" ones, suzer.  If you aren't as sure as you can be about this, there's going to be a whole lot of money wasted on visas/plane tickets that you won't get back and you'll resent him for you spending.  You have to think about yourself first.  Especially if he won't.

 If you aren't as sure as you can be about this, there's going to be a whole lot of money wasted on visas/plane tickets that you won't get back and you'll resent him for you spending.  You have to think about yourself first.  Especially if he won't.

Peedal is so right. Take it from someone who has experienced this first hand. Trust your gut - trust me, I know.

oh, don't worry, i always end up trusting my gut...and i am never willing to settle, which is why i was single (pretty much) for 4 yrs before meeting the man.  i'm a very independent, responsible person and would never be able to put up with someone who isn't....which is what concerns me about all of this.

peedal, what you mention is what bothers me most as well.  the man and i spoke more today...he actually brought it up twice.  i tried to clarify for him that what i am most concerned about is whether or not he is willing to put the work necessary into this relationship to make it viable.  he seemed to think things should simply come together.  my take on this...and relationships...is that most people don't really know what that "work" entails and that it will always take some work to grow...the relationship won't just stay that way.  it's like a plant...needs water and sunshine to thrive.

in regards to regretting time and money spent, i've never been one to hold onto regrets.  what a great opportunity this is/was and why feel sorry about the fact that i was/am willing to put myself out there.  what i would be most disappointed about is the man not trying harder...not putting the effort in that i'm sure he can.  and...i was so ready for a change anyway...got out of a crappy job that made me miserable and am on to new and better things, one way or another.

oh, and i had no intention of marrying w/o him having a job and us getting a place.

one more thing i should mention is that in the year that we have known each other, except for one long weekend in belfast, all of our interactions were via phone, email or IMs.

You have a great head on your shoulders about all this.  I am sure you will come to the right decision for you, no matter which way you go.  Good luck!!

I agree with Peedal as well. Everyone's experience is different, but I personally was married to a man who could take me or leave me, and nearly got involved with another one after the divorce, but fortunately came to my senses and now I'm married to a man who loves me more than I ever thought was possible, but a big part of the reason he is able to love me like that and I was able to finally find this happiness (I believe) is because I came to understand that I am whole within and do not need a man to make me a complete woman.  (I feel very passionately about this, sorry if you feel it has little relevance to your current situation). Remember you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be happy, and if a situation or person is not enriching you as a human being, do not hesitate to change it. Two good bits of advice that I picked up from, of all people, Maya Angelou:

 1. People will tell you who they are, if you will only listen (meaning that what people say and how the behave is generally a very accurate portrayal of who they really are--so you shouldn't kid yourself into thinking, well he says he isn't going to change but I know he really will, or well, he acts like he doesn't want me but I know he really does).

2. You teach people how to treat you (meaning people will only treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you--so there is really no such thing as a victim. There may be a pattern of behaviour that one person ALLOWED to happen to them and that pattern of behaviour then spiralled out of control because the person never put a stop to it...)

Anyway, please do not take any action based on what someone on some message board says. That's insanity. But do think very carefully about whatever may resonate within you as truth and look for what is real, not what you HOPE is real, and not what someone from outside yourself has IMPOSED on you.

(And soz if I sound preachy!    )

you don't sound preachy at all.  and...i wouldn't make any decision based on anything anyone else said, but was more curious to know what others have been through.  i do trust my gut, but i also know that i don't know everything, nor have i experienced everything, and it is useful to know how other people react to life's hurdles.  i did leave a 5 year relationship when i finally figured out i would have been settling.  it was a young relationship, having started at 19, but a good experience nonetheless.  as far as teaching people how to treat you, there is much of that which goes into any relationship, being friendship, family relationships, and love...so i am hoping peter and i will be able to teach each other some things and work together.  in my opinion, it's worth giving things a try...and i keep a positive outlook.  i know we both want this to work and care deeply about each other, which is a start;)

was more curious to know what others have been through. 

When I first moved here my df and I had only been together "in the flesh" about five weeks cumulatively over a period of about a year. We went through some situations similar to yours....

The constant time together (though he was working, I was there when he left and there when he came home) was very, very tough on him - I depended on him far too much and was far too clingy - making my own friends, gaining some of my old independence and just generally giving myself errands/routines to perform helped enormously. Irronically I have always been VERY big on alone time, but in another country with no friends, I lost that part of me temporarily. He has also always been big on time apart and when we met it was one of the things that attracted me to him. I've always felt, like Carla, that being a whole person and not being dependent on a relationship to make you that whole person is critically important, but like I said, finding myself alone in a foreign culture, I lost that attitude for a while. And I took it VERY personally when he would go straight down the pub after work occaisionally or spend his entire Sunday out with his mates. But what I realized was that in the reverse situation, if he had moved to San Francisco, I would do the exact same thing - I would still need time with my girlfriends on our own and I wouldn't be able to cope with being solely responsible for his happinness - that's too much pressure on anyone. And so now that I'm more settled, have friends, have a routine, am comfortable with the culture, etc. it doesn't even make me bat an eye when he's out after work - in fact I generally turn on some cheesy programme that he hates, pour a big glass of wine, and enjoy my own company.

Another thing that pertains to your story is the bit about changing people. While I think Peedal is right about a relationship taking compromise, I don't think that necissarily involves changing who you are. Jamie made it quite clear from the get go that he is who he is and that he's not going to change that. Luckily I love who he is and don't want him to change (I think compromise is something different) - I've had bf's in the past who I've tried to change, and in my experience it doesn't work.

I realize that this is getting really long, so I'll wind it up by commenting on the anxiety bit. One of my best friends in the US has huge problems with anxiety and it really can be debilitating. It could actually be one of the reasons he's a "loner" (loner or just fiercely independent? I think there's a huge difference) as some people with clinical anxiety (caused by chemical depletion/overproduction in the brain) find it easier to cope by shutting down to others because sometimes social situations that you're not in control of can be extremely stressful. If he would be willing to address that, either by seeing a dr. or a psychiatrist, it might really help both of you. Though I know how the Brits are about that sort of thing ("psychologist? That's what your mates are for" is usually what I get when I tell people I'm studying to be a psychologist....)

Anyway, no advice other than take care of yourself and be careful - I just thought I'd post my experience in case it seemed relevant.