Depressed Stepmum on Mother's Day

I'm having a bad weekend. All day yesterday, DSS was saying he wanted to see his mummy and he doesn't like coming to Daddy's house. He slapped me on the top of the head yesterday and said "I want mummy" while I was trying to dress him. Then told me he didn't like me over and over for 20 minutes until I nearly broke down and cried. He kept saying he wanted to speak to mummy all day, so I called her for him and he told her he wanted to come to her house. She said we could bring him back home if we wanted to, as he tells her all the time that he doesn't like coming here and doesn't like me. Meanwhile, I continued to try as hard as usual. This morning my arms are sore from pushing him on the merry-go-round and the swings yesterday. I bought him a cool book about Dinosaurs but he didn't seem to like it very much. He said last night that he doesn't have fun over here and wants to be with mummy. I'm so down in the dumps. "Mummy" was texting DH all night saying she doesn't know why he doesn't like me or doesn't want to spend time with us but that she won't be forcing him to come over here. She keeps hassling us to take him to kid's birthday parties that fall on our weekends, but we only see him 4 days a month now and we would hate to spend that time hanging out with people we don't know by taking him to all these parties. He'll be four years old next month and I don't think he even really knows if he is missing a birthday party yet! He's never mentioned going to one. But his mother said that he has a crush on one of his little cousins and it was her birthday party this weekend (which she had previously asked us to take him to and we said no... why should we take him to a party for her family member? She didn't offer to switch weekends with us, or even mention spending mother's day with him) so I can only imagine that maybe she spent all week winding him up about it or something, telling him that he couldn't go to this party because he had to come to our house and we won't take him to parties. He normally cries for his mummy a bit here and there, but yesterday was just awful, with both me and DH were utterly depressed about the things he was saying. I couldn't sleep last night and just don't know what to do. Maybe I should stop trying so hard or something. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. 

Hi,
So sorry you are having a difficult weekend. It must be so hard. I know I have never been a stepmum but have watched my DH be a step dad and my daughter have a stepmum.

I know at the moment you are frustrated and maybe don't want any advice, if that is the case I am sorry and just choose to ignore it. I do think that taking your stepson to parties on the weekends he is with you is an important thing. Part of being a parent is doing the day to activities that your child wants to do. I know it seems like you don't have a lot of time with him but going to a party that he enjoys will actually build a bond and give you things to remember and talk about. He might not talk about wanting to go to the party but it doesn't mean he doesn't want to go...my daughter would have never complained to her dad or stepmum about not doing things but she would have not been happy and it would have come out in her being moody and sulky.

Overall I know it is hard to build relationships with kids---hang in there- it will happen

I'm really sorry - it's clear you are making a huge effort and sometimes it is just painful to feel that it's not recognised. 

It must also be hard for DSS also: maybe he is expressing his feeling of lack of control over his life and directing it at you? I also think maybe people tend to 'lash out' at those closest to them, so even though it hurts, maybe it's an indication of your closeness?

Hang in there! I know you are working hard to make a good relationship with him - I hope there are people you can open up to about the ups and downs and particular challenges of step parenting. ((hugs))

I am so sorry Jewlz.  I have no advice as I am not a parent or  step parent. Good luck and I hope you are able to build your relationship with your stepson. 

Poor you, I'm sorry you're going through this Jewlz. My 2p... at 4 years old I think it's natural for him to be very clingy to his mother. Maybe going to some of these parties will be worth doing if it's to lessen the grief you get from him, or suggest to her that you swap weekends for them. As he gets older, things will likely get more positive and it will be worth the effort that you're investing now. I'm sure it doesn't make it any easier now though.

Treat yourself in the meantime and have faith that it will get better, he's just at a tough age, the terrible 2-4's I called them.

I'm so sorry hun. It is very hard being a step parent or child no matter the age of the child. I know he's really young, but have you had a chat with him about what makes him unhappy there?

It could be that he's so young and used to being at home with his mom. Does he have his own special room at your house? Maybe get his imput on making it like home. I'm sure you already have too many toys, who doesn't?

Hang in there, you are doing a great job and I'm sure in his heart he sees it.

Hugs to you Jewlz. Like Leah said he is only 4 yrs old and they are still very clingy at that age. I don't know the full situation but do you think it's possible the mother may be saying things to other people in front of your DSS? Kids so easily can pick up things or feelings. 

Also if his mother wants to plan going to birthday parties tell her do do it in her own time. That seems to me just simply being a bit spiteful and not caring if you had anything else planned or not.

Give him time and keep being the terrific step-mum you are. My mama (who is my step-mother) is the most wonderful and caring person I know and my best friend. Happy Mother's Day to you. 

Thanks, everyone. He seemed to be happier today and he helped me bake some muffins for his grandma. We even got some chocolates and a card for his mummy, even if we have far separate feelings about her than he does.  DH and I both feel that she probably talks badly about us to him and that is why he sometimes feels upset to be here or moody toward us, but who can tell for sure? Even if she does, it's good to be the bigger people and just focus on him when he is here, rather than her silly text messages and her poor attitude towards us. His mum is a right wind-up to both DH and I and she can't seem to just focus on her own life rather than causing us grief. We just have to do the best we can. I'm sure as some of you said, one day he will see that we always tried our best and we both love and care for him very much. Thanks for the support. 

Thanks, everyone. He seemed to be happier today and he helped me bake some muffins for his grandma. We even got some chocolates and a card for his mummy, even if we have far separate feelings about her than he does. 

I think that was the absolute right thing to do.  In the end, she is his mother and by embracing her, you embrace him.  All children want is to know they're valued and loved no matter what.

And 4 is a really tough age as others have said.  Just keep focusing on him, his life and what makes him special.  He'll come around.   

I think that was the absolute right thing to do.  In the end, she is his mother and by embracing her, you embrace him.  All children want is to know they're valued and loved no matter what.

And 4 is a really tough age as others have said.  Just keep focusing on him, his life and what makes him special.  He'll come around.   

Very sound input, IMO.

I think that was the absolute right thing to do.  In the end, she is his mother and by embracing her, you embrace him.  All children want is to know they're valued and loved no matter what.

And 4 is a really tough age as others have said.  Just keep focusing on him, his life and what makes him special.  He'll come around.   

We try our best to get along with his mother, believe me, but she often has her own agenda. It's hard not to be frustrated by her, but we try to just "kill her with kindness." We interact with her as little as possible by sticking to our regular arrangements. It's all we can do, as we have tried speaking to her and working things out so many times already. I think he must pick up on her feelings toward us and I'm sure it must influence him, but as he gets older, hopefully he will form his own opinions about us without her directing him in any way. Thanks again for the input. It isn't always so bad, it was just a tough day on Saturday, and I'm not very experienced with children, so coming to terms with the moodiness is pretty challenging for me.

I'm so sorry you're having rough patches with your stepson Jewlz As you know, it's far from easy to be a step-parent sometimes, and I think children at that age can very easily go from one extreme to the other--one moment they love you, and the next they don't want to be anywhere near you. My stepchildren aren't as young as yours, but they have their moments where they want to be here with their dad more than their mom, and vice versa.

And it's especially not easy when you don't have the greatest relationship with their mums--I don't really like my husband's ex-wife at all, and it sounds like the same situation you're facing with your stepson's mum. It sounds like you're doing a good job in 'grinning and bearing it' when it comes to his mum, I know it can be incredibly hard to keep from just telling them off when you see them or have them on the phone (in our case she sees my husband as an easy car ride since she doesn't drive, and a walking ATM--part of that's fair since he does have to pay his child maintenance which he doesn't mind, but she's also remarried so it's not like she's destitute on her own somewhere like she pretends to be).

I think definitely the 'killing with kindness' is the best policy I've found--be so sickeningly nice that if she complains about you, she looks like a PITA But there's a huge learning curve when it comes to being a step-parent--it's a fine balance between being an actual parent sometimes, and learning to ease up a bit when the biological parents are involved.

Good luck--you and your DH are doing the best you can, and as long as he knows you love him, it'll work out

I posted a reply yesterday, but for some reason it didn't go through.  I just wanted to say hugs  , and it sounds like yesterday was better and that you and your husband are staying as balanced about it as possible.  It's good that you are being the real grown-ups here showing grace and as much empathy as possible toward his mum.  I do think that's a great example to set, and he'll definitely pick up on that.