the stress of long distance

 Hey ya'll. I am in my first long distance relationship. My boyfriend of 11 months lives in Scotland and I am in texas. Blah i hate it.  I just spent a semester overseas so i was able to see him fairly often.. but now i am back home and its HARD. Hard going from seeing him every other month to nothing! We were making plans for me to move to Scotland summer of 2011 and also get officially engaged. lol ( i say we are unofficially engaged but we have discussed this alot) However now our relationship has hit it first rough patch and i am honestly struggling... I have no doubt I love him and want to be with him... But since i been back in the states our communication has been less than stellar... I called him out on it and now he has clammed up period.  I am hoping and praying that he needs space to work through some family stress but i am not happy. So I am backing off for a week or so and see how this plays out. Like I said this is our first major rough patch and i honestly think it just kinda knocked us in our face. (if that makes sense) I also think since we are hitting the year mark its the point in our relationship were we really have to decide to move forward or not... (i have decided to move forward)

 Has anyone else has to deal with this? I feel in my heart we will work through it. But i am impatient lol Communication is very important to me and right now we not there. Any tips on making communication strong during long distance when outside forces is at play?

*edit to add*

  since our communication has been less than stellar lately it led me to ask him straight out if he still want to be in this relationship. He assured me he did...Just everything kinda got in the way of us talking like normal.. but when i wrote a detail letter of my feelings to him last week... thats when basically the  crap hit the fan and he clammed up... I long ago notice that he is quiet and reserve... and try to work through things on his own but to me this is not something he can do that with

I think the best advice I can give you from personal experience is when communication is strained and things seem mixed up, talk. Like talk on the phone, not email or chat, or text. But talk, and listen. Good luck to you. I hope you get things cleared up. 

I agree with Silly Sprite.  Things get so convoluted when you just use email, IM, etc.  My bf and I sometimes don't see eye-to-eye on communication, but once I make it clear how I feel over the phone or skype, he usually gets it and helps solve the problem. 

Another thing that has really helped me is to keep a positive outlook and better myself while we're apart.  I'm getting into kick-ass shape, and I don't have to feel guilty that I'm spending time at the gym instead with my bf.  I can stay up as late as I want, watch what I want on TV, and I always get to decide what I have for dinner.  The happier I am with myself and my life, the happier we are as a couple. 

Thanks. I believe in communication... the boyfriend .... it's not that he doesn't believe in communication it's just he has trouble with it at times. However, he has never completely shut down before and this time he has. I know emails are not the way but it was the best way for me to tell him how i feel without bursting into tears every 2 seconds lol. (i am a crier lol) I was hoping that he would read it, think about it,  and discuss it. Instead did not happen quite like that.

But i will call him... I just wanted to give both him and i some space. I know things been stressful for both of us. I just wish i was still in Scotland...sighs i am sooo not cut out for long distance

Email and im worked for me and my husband.

I hated talking on the phone.  I only called him twice in the year and 1/2 we were separated and one of those times was to leave a message because he was overseas for work and I wanted him to have a message when he got home. 

I suppose you need to find what works best for you.  Perhaps he would rather use email, that way he has a chance to lay out his thoughts? 

bookgrl he is NOT a phone person at all. lol.. I am dealing with a boyfriend who has yet succumb to the pressures of getting a cellphone  He is the first person that i have met, that is atleast 30 yrs old and doesnt have a cellphone lol... so that should tell you right there how much of a phone person he is not.

However he does generally make an effort to talk to me on the phone  or skype on occasion..especially if we have a movie date set up... but usually IM, emails etc is best for us.. You are right i was hoping he would see the email and gather his thoughts..

It is hard for me not knowing what he is thinking. it is hard being long distance in our first rough patch... it is hard having a communication breakdown which i am trying to push through and he is... well...  when i do talk to him he acts like nothing is wrong.. GRR

Just have faith. . . I know that is hard to just digest...but My boy and I are having a heck of a time b/c our schedules are so reversed...but I Honestly do talk to him more than almost any body in America...but if he is the man of your dreams just have patience...talk to him honestly and have him know your feelings...communication is what keeps the relationship alive and talk things out...save up and try to go see him and have him come see you...I have been blessed though in the fact I work for an airline so I have gotten to see mine quite frequently...but if you know this is what you want just keep telling yourself that and that one day you will get there...I love love love love the UK ever since I was a child I saw the UK and things from it and knew I wanted to be tehre...then when I went for the first time I was in love and cannot wait to get married and move there...you can see my story if you goto: http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?topic=63630.0 [nofollow] I am not sure if that is how u do the link but that is the web page if it doesnt lol...but I hope this helps ya and makes you feel a little better...

Just have faith. . . I know that is hard to just digest...but My boy and I are having a heck of a time b/c our schedules are so reversed...but I Honestly do talk to him more than almost any body in America...but if he is the man of your dreams just have patience...talk to him honestly and have him know your feelings...communication is what keeps the relationship alive and talk things out...save up and try to go see him and have him come see you...I have been blessed though in the fact I work for an airline so I have gotten to see mine quite frequently...but if you know this is what you want just keep telling yourself that and that one day you will get there...I love love love love the UK ever since I was a child I saw the UK and things from it and knew I wanted to be tehre...then when I went for the first time I was in love and cannot wait to get married and move there...you can see my story if you goto: http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?topic=63630.0 I am not sure if that is how u do the link but that is the web page if it doesnt lol...but I hope this helps ya and makes you feel a little better...

Thank you for your story. I reaaaaally needed it today! Me and the boyfriend have yet to talk in over a week and i am starting to lose faith. I am so confused and hurt right now.  I want to hold out hope that he just is .. i dunno scared or something and picked a bad bad way in handling it... but a part me of can't help to wonder is he being a coward and not saying this is not for him. My friends are telling me basically i am an idiot to keep hoping and should try to start moving on. However my heart just won't let me do that. I know he is the one for me...and seriously if i leave someone after one rough patch and not even attempt to work it out..then thats kinda ummm crazy in my book. I called him yesterday but he was not at home. I will give it another go over the weekend.

I do feel kinda crazy because our relationship is at a stand still in a way but i am still doing all the research and looking into visa  info for when i am suppose to move in the summer. i just hope i am not setting myself up for an even bigger heartache by doing that.  I pray constantly that everything will work out and each time i pray i hear this little voice that says be patient and everything will work out.  That we are not finished So i am just gonna try to listen to that voice..

anyway i am starting to ramble but thank you again for your story. lol it came on a day were my faith was a low point...and it gave me the boost i needed.

Wow. So many coincidences! I am from Texas and my boyfriend (soon-to-be hubby) is from Scotland. I flew back and forth for 2 years to see him before moving over on a Fiance Visa. 

The one year mark is right about where communication gets sticky. At least it did for us. It got worse before it got better too. It's hard being apart. I'm gonna be honest with you. It's not easy moving to another country and starting over from scratch either.

My friends and family kept telling me to give up and move on as well. Looking back, if I had it all to do over again... I probably would give up and move on and save myself a lot of grey hair.

My guy hates talking on the phone too.  Using a webcam is the only thing that got us through the tough times. Even though he wouldn't talk on the microphone, I got to see his face just about every day.  That helped immensely. I don't think I'd be in Scotland now if I didn't get to see him.

Good luck to ya. I hope it all works out. If you have any questions or need an ear to vent, send me a message here.

Steph

@ OP: I'm also from Texas, but my boyfriend is from Ireland. We just hit the year mark in May and I can't really say this communication issue came up, mainly because we made it a point to talk to each other for an hour or more on skype everyday, unless it wasn't possible.  I think for us it's been easier than for most because he was able to come and visit for three months recently, we usually only go two or three months apart before flying over to see one another.  We have definitely had our rough patches though because everytime we visit each other our relationship grows so much, we get to know each other and love each other more, but then we have to be apart again for a spell. I think that was the hardest thing for us.  But talking it through was what made it alright, it's so important to a relationship, like everyone else has said already.  

My boyfriend hates skype, phones, etc., but it's just something that must be done.  I think talking on skype might help things with you guys a lot, to see each other's face and really comprehend how the other feels is sooo important.  I wish you good luck and hopefully you two will be able to work out the communication thing and get past this.

Heheheeee.. We're past it. We've been living together for 3 1/2 months now and we're getting married on September 7th.

Steph

Well i just left my boyfriend in June and it was hard to leave him... i got use to seeing him almost everyday.. We were discussing when he would be able to make his 3 month visit when everything kinda went to crap...
  I don't mind not talking on the phone or whatever as long as we TALK. and right not we are not talking and i honestly don't know why. that what hurts.. because for some reason he has shut down and i cant figure it out...and he is not saying
I am at the point were i have one foot out the door because I cannot deal with non-communication.

I talked to him for about 10 mins the other day he had been out of town and was tired so i just ended the call. seriously that 10 min call was the first time we talked in 2 weeks. i know i cant be in a relationship like that.... although yall stories give me hope that we will make it through it... i not putting forth anymore effort on trying to figure out what is wrong with him. .... i was trying to give him space in that time to work through whatever it was going on with him but... yeah... i love him, i want this to work... but i can't do it by myself

Well i just left my boyfriend in June and it was hard to leave him... i got use to seeing him almost everyday.. We were discussing when he would be able to make his 3 month visit when everything kinda went to crap...
  I don't mind not talking on the phone or whatever as long as we TALK. and right not we are not talking and i honestly don't know why. that what hurts.. because for some reason he has shut down and i cant figure it out...and he is not saying
I am at the point were i have one foot out the door because I cannot deal with non-communication.

I talked to him for about 10 mins the other day he had been out of town and was tired so i just ended the call. seriously that 10 min call was the first time we talked in 2 weeks. i know i cant be in a relationship like that.... although yall stories give me hope that we will make it through it... i not putting forth anymore effort on trying to figure out what is wrong with him. .... i was trying to give him space in that time to work through whatever it was going on with him but... yeah... i love him, i want this to work... but i can't do it by myself

Have you talked to him about this? It seems like you need to really lay this down for him and get a response.  I mean, tell him you guys really need to talk. Two weeks is a lot of breathing time at this point, imo!

Good luck!

well  i was planning on talking to him about when i called the other day  but he sounded horrible .... i could tell a serious talk at that time would not be smart... so i didn't.  that was yesterday...

 i am going to talk to him about it.. it is something that needs to be done

I'm sorry things haven't changed with your situation yet. I hope you are able to talk or type or whatever works best and find some answers for you soon. It's hard not knowing what to do or where things stand. Hopefully it will all work out for you two with some communication. If not, sounds like you have your mind made up to carry on in another direction and to take care of yourself. I wish you the best.