When Do You Reach Your Wits' End?

Okay, major rant / whimper / whine coming...  My wife & I married in the US on 20 July 2010.  Spent the month of August in the UK with her & her kids.  Now down to brass tacks so far as getting the visa application completed.  Everything is so darn complicated, I can't get my head around it.  Lately, my wife's computer has gone on the blitz, keeping credit on her mobile phone is always an issue, and these interruptions seem to come at exactly the moment I need to confirm some essential piece of information for the visa application.

I have a houseful of stuff that needs to be taken care of, and as yet, I don't have a clear idea of what I'm taking, what I'm leaving, and what to do with what's left behind.  All complicated by the fact that I don't drive, and have to depend on others to help with the endless errands to get this or that.

My wife's parents are hostile, to put as positive spin on it as possible.  They didn't even speak to me the entire month I was in England with her.  I'm possibly going to have to sell my house, so that I'll have nowhere to return to if things should go wrong.  Of course, we hope for the best, but don't all couples?  And yet, things do happen...

I'm having to take my dog over with me, and my wife has 4 young children.  I'm concerned about how my elderly dog will fare with the kids, and almost wondering if it would be kinder to find her a new home.  She'll soon be 13, though a small breed, and I've had her since she was a tiny pup, so this is a heart-breaker.

There are money worries, and there are worries re: one of my wife's neighbor's who seems to have a screw loose, and who has done some really dastardly deeds.

Meanwhile, I'm facing this massive bureaucratic migraine, desperately trying to pull together all the required documentation needed.  And my steam is just running low.

I love my wife.  Love her so much.  I wish this was easier.  She missed me so much after our month together in August that she flew over here for what was to be a week's visit some days ago.  But arranged childcare for her kids fell through, and a whole new whirlpool or trouble erupted, causing her to return home in less than 24 hours.

Trying so hard not to be at my wits' end........  Surely there's a dim little light at the end of the tunnel somewhere??

~Teddy

Oh my gosh Teddy, I'm sorry all of these things are all happening at the same time. I know from experience how all of these add up and can leave you completely lifeless for a while.

About your house, could you possibly rent it out so that you would still be getting money but you'd also have somewhere to return to just in case?

It's so sweet that your wife came to visit you for such a short period of time. That made me go "awww." Like something out of a movie or something .

It's also a tough desicion regarding your dog. I had to give up my dog because of a really crappy life situation that we were in. I did what was right for my dog and he now is better taken care of than he was with us and is better off. I know it would be hard to give your dog up but if it means she will be happier and more at peace than she'll be better off. However, can you not teach the kids that your dog is quite old and teach them how to treat her? I'm sure they'll understand. My in laws have a very old yorkshire terrior and a 5 year old very active grandson who needed to only be told once, not to be so rough with the dog. He stopped and is very calm with her now. Kids are very understanding especially towards pets.

I hope your visa troubles are over soon. I hate visas!!

I'm in a similar position when it comes to things I'm trying to arrange back here in the US (and things he's trying to arrange in the UK) and it gets REALLY OVERWHELMING some days. Those days I just have to break things into small goals to accomplish and move forward from there.

Just remember your goal: to be together as a family soon. Take the rest of the things in small steps and if you're unsure about which way to handle a situation (such as whether to take or rehome your pet) then refer back to the goal and take actions get you closer to the goal. Good luck, you can do it

Thank you, GibbyGab & angelchrome.  I take some comfort in knowing I can vent here, and people will not only understand, but respond kindly.  Some days are just TOO MUCH.  My home is part of a co-operative, and rules prohibit renting with some very few exceptions.  I am looking into getting permission to rent, but even that thought makes me anxious.  How does one manage property from the other side of the ocean?  I'd have greater peace of mind without that hanging over my head -- but I would definitely feel better knowing I have some place to return to if things go wrong.

GibbyGab, my wife's visit here was amazing and like something from a movie.  She's very impulsive that way, which is one of the things I love about her -- but at the same time, she had to turn around & go home in less than 24 hours to take care of problems with her kids, which left me spinning, financially & emotionally.  Sometimes I think I've lost my mind...

Why can't anything ever be easy??

Best to both of you, though.  I've just about gotten together all the documentation I need to send off my visa application.  Nervous, nervous, nervous!

Cheers!
~Teddy

Good luck, and I highly recommend the priority processing. Wish I'd managed to get it. Having that visa in hand will be such a relief.

How does one manage property from the other side of the ocean?

Some people do it themselves with the help of local friends who can do things like call plumbers, drive past the house every so often to make sure it looks okay, etc.

I'm renting through a property management company, and really find it pretty painless. (That said, I've only been renting it since March and haven't had to deal with replacing a tenant or anything.) The rent comes in on the 1st, any money that might be spent during the month (most months nothing, but last month the garage door was on the fritz) gets spent, and at the end of the month I get whatever's left. The management company charges a % of the rent, but in return I don't have to deal with trying to arrange to fix a persnickety garage door from 3,000 miles away, plus they did all the checks on my tenant before she moved in, etc.

That said, I'm planning on selling my house within 2 years, simply because I'm confident that I wouldn't go back to NC if I were to move back to the US, and my life is just simpler if I don't own a house. Having the option to rent it out in the meantime, though, and let the housing market recover a bit is great.

Why can't anything ever be easy??

Oh I ask this all the time. My husband's family is convinced it's some kind of plague that only hits their family. I beg to differ haha.

I wish you lots of luck (not that you need it) in the visa process. Glad it'll be over soon.

Oh and impulse visits are awesome  . I've always wished I could have done one of those.

Good luck Teddy!

I know you will soon experience the relief in having applied soon. If you can spare the extra cash, I would recommend the priority service. I got approved in just 8 working days even with a not so straightforward application. I couldn't bear the thought of having to wait months to get my visa back. I had been in such a deep depression from missing my husband and feeling like I had no control over my life for months. I can be a bit of a control freak, so I know how helpless you must feel right now! It's funny how your whole life can turn upside down when your life seems to revolve around a bloody sticker in your passport!

Just think, it's not a matter of if you will get the visa, but when. Once you see your beautiful wife, all your troubles will melt away and you'll realise it was all worth it. Hang in there, you've made it this far! 

Trying so hard not to be at my wits' end........  Surely there's a dim little light at the end of the tunnel somewhere??

Good luck Teddy with all of it.  I may have had a different set of circumstances but I can certainly relate to the frustration you are feeling.  I totally agree and echo Magicalcattie in everything she said ... except that I'm still waiting for my magic sticker AKA visa.  I so understand all those frustrating moments when you feel like you are going to seriously lose it.  And when the documentation stuff really triggers your stress levels beyond anything humanly possible.  Just try to keep hanging in there and keep your cool whilst putting your documents together and know that it will be worth it in the end.  And venting here is good ---- SO MANY of us seem to have been off our rockers with stress over this whole situation.  None of my non-expat friends quite get the difficulties I've faced throughout my LDR and ensuing situations and so I don't even bother trying anymore.  I just take comfort in reading the threads here and knowing I'm not alone.  Thank god for UKY.

Hang in there!

Wow, you have a lot going on.  It's so tough isn't it?  It seems like most of us doing the LDR thing. 

I will say in terms of your dog that is a tough one.  I had to leave 3 pets behind because of a nasty divorce and it is a big regret of mine.  I live with the guilt every day.  My only solace is that they are young and just as attached to my ex as me.  Plus they are in a familiar home that is all they've known.  That being said, I had just lost my 11 year old lab to cancer the year before.  If I had not, I would have moved heaven and earth to bring him with me and if it was not possible, then I would wait it out.  He had spent his whole life with me and was like my partner in life.  In fact, when I move over in less than a month for good, I have a oil painting of him and his ashes in my carry on along with letters and customs forms to support getting them through.  I guess, what I am saying, is your dog is very old and has known you all her life.  Would you really be comfortable finding another home for her?  I want you to be sure about that because again, my pets are young but I have struggled with leaving them many, many times ... pretty much daily to be honest.  So, just think very much about that one.

And, best of luck to you!