so it's all out the window now

If it were me in this situation, I would file a custody case pro-se and take him to court every 2 weeks. Living out of state, either he wouldn't show up and eventually the judge would award you custody or he would tire of going to court in another state every 2 weeks.

While I am not one for denying a parent and child a relationship with each other.. if he is living in another state and not visiting your son anyway... and if he is doing this simply to play dirty and keep you from having a happy life.. then all bets would be off and I'd go for the jugular.

i'm not even sure how we're going to go about this.  he's been threatening me for YEARS with military lawyers and i've always believed him.  turns out that he CAN NOT use military lawyers in custody cases and will have to hire a private attorney.  that's going to cost him a fortune and there's no way he'd show up for a hearing.  i'm trying to be tactful with all of this, but i'm ready to go for the throat.  after all the crap he's put my son through and all the crap he's put me through, he owes us this chance at a better life.  of course, he doesn't see it that way.  his way or the highway.   he is only doing this out of spite and for control.  he's never wanted to bother with any of the decision making for my son, and now he wants to start after 6 years?  it's all about control.

It really depends on your local school as well.  My nephew has had a hard time getting the help he needs, so find out what the local area is like.

my fiancee attended the same schools that my son would be attending and he knew people that had the same needs as my son does.  he said they got a lot of help and support without medication and turned out pretty well.   i REFUSE to medicate my son right off the bat.  i was put on medication when i was 7 for my ADD and it was never the final solution.  i stopped medicating when i became pregnant and i've been fine without it since.  sure, there's a few uncontrollable moments, but what the meds did to me isn't something i want my child to have to experience unless there's ABSOLUTELY NO ALTERNATIVE. 

I think you have a pretty good chance at getting what you want from the court. I just went through mediation with my ex husband (we are very friendly and my kids are teens) so I can move with my 3 children to Northern Ireland and as far as Massachusetts is concerned it is always looked at as what is in the best interest of the child. And they consider the happiness of the custodial parent to be a contributing factor. I can not think that Pennsylvania law would be all that difficult. One thing I do know here though is that I have to pay for all transportation costs. That was the assumption of the court as I was the one moving away. They will go every summer and every other Xmas. But as you stated he doesn't see your son anyway so I am sure the court would take that into consideration and not make your son go to an unfamiliar environment for so long at such a young age. Again it is what is in the best interest of your son that matters to the court. Our court also has a lawyer of the day program where a lawyer donates is time at the courthouse and will give free advice and guide you through what forms to file etc.

I found this online:


Relocation
Central Pennsylvania Child Custody Attorneys

When one parent desires to relocate - whether to another part of the state, outside of Pennsylvania, or outside the U.S. - the custody and visitation rights of the other parent must be considered.

In Pennsylvania, family courts will always put the "best interests" of the child first, and in a move away situation, they will examine the "Gruber factors" when arriving at its decision. These factors include:

    * Potential advantages of the proposed move: This includes the likelihood that the move would substantially improve the custodial parent and children's quality of life and that the move is not the result of the non-custodial parent's momentary whim. Is the parent moving because of a better job? Is the parent moving to be by family in order for the child to have the support of an extended family?
    * The integrity of the custodial and non-custodial parents' motives in seeking the move or trying to prevent it: In seeking the move, is the parent trying to limit or interfere with the other parent's visitation rights? In trying to prevent the move, is the parent doing it out of spite or doing it out of love for the child?
    * The availability of realistic, alternative visitation arrangements that would sufficiently foster an ongoing relationship between the non-custodial parent and children: Will the parent be able to see the child as in the past? Is the parent proposing to move the child to California or to Maryland? The distance makes a difference.

If you want to move from the jurisdiction of your child custody order, you must notify the other parent of your intent to move. And you must file with the court.

If you have been told that your child's other parent wants to relocate your child to another part of the state or country, you have the right to go to court to prevent the child's removal from the state.

I also remember it being said that it is very important that you make the move have NOTHING to do with his parenting skills ( or lack thereof ) If a judge thinks it is a move to frustrate the other parents visitation you will lose. It needs to be all about your best interest as a family and happiness of your child. I really think this won't be so difficult to achieve. Best of luck!

I think you have a pretty good chance at getting what you want from the court. I just went through mediation with my ex husband (we are very friendly and my kids are teens) so I can move with my 3 children to Northern Ireland and as far as Massachusetts is concerned it is always looked at as what is in the best interest of the child. And they consider the happiness of the custodial parent to be a contributing factor. I can not think that Pennsylvania law would be all that difficult. One thing I do know here though is that I have to pay for all transportation costs. That was the assumption of the court as I was the one moving away. They will go every summer and every other Xmas. But as you stated he doesn't see your son anyway so I am sure the court would take that into consideration and not make your son go to an unfamiliar environment for so long at such a young age. Again it is what is in the best interest of your son that matters to the court. Our court also has a lawyer of the day program where a lawyer donates is time at the courthouse and will give free advice and guide you through what forms to file etc.

i would really like to be able to work things out without having to involve the court, as it will just delay the move more and more.  also, i don't know if i could request monitored visitation.   he's stated that he wants to teach my son to fire a gun because his 9 year old can do it and my son is only 6!   it's extremely frightening to think of my child being at a firing range or anything of the sort.  i can't trust his father to look after him properly while he visits and i want my mom to have visits too.  pennsylvania recognizes grandparents rights as being legal, but his dad wants all his time.  he told my mom she might only get a week with him per visit because he's a soldier and fights for his country.  i believe pennsylvania has special hearings to determine if the custodial parent is allowed to move.  i don't want to be trapped in pennsylvania for the rest of my life and i don't want my son to be put in the same situations over and over by his father.   i have contacted a lawyer and am waiting for their call back.  hopefully with an attorney involved, his father will be more willing to work on reasonable terms.

I'm coming in late to this conversation...was doing a search for ADD and came across this thread.
Not sure how it all worked out for you, but from what you said in an early post - it already sounds like you DO have sole custody. If all he has signed is an admission of paternity and you don't have a "court order" for anything other than child support - that doesn't sound like he has any custodial rights anyway.
And the info that mrscolgan posted about PA law, it sounds like the courts would side with you because you are making a move to give you & your son a better life AND the non-custodial parent is "In trying to prevent the move, is the parent doing it out of spite or doing it out of love for the child?"
Hope it all worked out for you & that your son is with you in the UK!
sb