I just can't do it. I feel like giving up..

I don't know where this is coming from.

He (UK) and I (US) have been together long distance for a few years, we see each other as often and for as long as possible..we have a wonderful relationship. We've been talking about marriage, about getting engaged next year, about me moving to the UK..and I've been all for it. But now, for some reason, I'm just not.

I don't think I can move to the UK. I don't want to leave America. I don't want to leave my family and my friends, I'd be so lonely without them. My family is so close and I can't imagine being 3000 miles away all the time or only having yearly visits. I don't want to have children that don't know my family. I don't want to leave my mom alone (I'm an only child).

And what if we get married and it doesn't work out? What if we have children and then get a divorce? What country do they live in??

Even if we don't get a divorce, how am I going to have any life in the UK? I don't know anybody besides he and his friends. How will I make my own friends? What if I can't find a job? What if I regret moving every single day because of how homesick I am?

All these overwhelming thoughts are just swirling around and I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't say them to him, he's quite sensitive and I imagine it would upset him. but I'm so scared. I don't think I can do it. It's too much But I can't lose him either.

Ughhhhhh. Needed a vent I suppose.   What a horrible feeling. We've been together since I was seventeen. 17!! This was my first very serious relationship (few stupid boyfriends before him, but they were just kiddie relationships), this was my first proper adult one and it was international and there was so much stress and sacrifice and commitment involved and everything moved so fast, now I'm 22 and possibly moving to another country to get married. And I love him, I love him so much and I enjoy our relationship and have decided to weather all its ups and downs, but I feel so young to be moving so far away..its such a huge decision.

Sometimes I can't breathe thinking about it. I don't know what to do!

Have you talked about him making the move to the US instead of you moving?

We've talked about it, but..he's a bit older than I am (26) and he's settled in a pretty good job. I'm a student just out of college and a part-time crap job, so he's hesitant to leave his career behind. Basically he has more obligations in the UK than I do in the US at the moment.

He's said if I'm miserable, we would look into moving back to the US, but for some reason I can't see that really happening. He's not particularly fond of the US and with both his job & family ties, I don't think he's that keen on it.

Wow...you are in the same boat I am. I live in the southeastern US (NC) and I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE PERIOD! But, I do love her alot! I have been tossing this around in my head for a long time. I am a bit older than you, I am 38 and she is 32 so this will be my first marriage and hopefully my only one! I know EXACTLY what you are talking about...I am there with you. I guess what I am saying is that .... You are not alone.  Hope it works out...I know that I am not any help...just to say I know what you are saying.   Cheers!

I had all those same questions and doubts before I married my husband and moved over here to UK. But, a few years later, I am happier than I have ever been and I know I made the best decision to just go for it. I'm still in touch with my mom and other family and friends all the time (I'm also an only child) and I have eventually settled in here, getting my driving licence, making new friends, working, etc... so I am inclined to tell you that all those fears and doubts are normal, and it's okay to be scared about moving so far away. But, some people really aren't ever happy here, so you have to make the right decision for you. If you feel you really can't do it, then you have to tell him. Better sooner than later. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I was in exactly the same situation as you- my hubby was established in a career here and I moved to the UK.  I've been here for almost a year and when we went home this summer I realized how much I missed home.  And I've been pretty homesick ever since.  We have discussed moving back to the US and I'm sure in a few years time we will.

Basically, if you end up moving, and getting married, know that you're husband will love and support you.  And that if it's important to leave moving to the US as an option you need to tell him that.  Treat moving to the UK as a once in a lifetime experience, but not something that's an irreversible decision.

I dont know you from Adam, but I will give my opinion based on what you have said - I think 22 is VERY young and 17 is scarily young. If you are "just a student" and have never lived on your own before and never had the opportunity to be independent and an "adult", IMO, moving to the UK especially when you are not particularly keen on it is a bad bad idea.

I would suggest that you do an extended vist to see how you would cope, but my experience was that visits, no matter how long, feel entirely different to a move. The permanancy of a move changes your entire viewpoint. 

I don't want to leave America.

If you feel strongly about that, then maybe you shouldnt.

I think it's a question of which you feel the stronger attachment to.  Would you be more miserable over there with your loved one, or where you are now without them?

You need to determine if the geography thing is a dealbreaker or not. Personally, I would have lived on top of an active volcano if it meant living with the woman I loved.

oh, and a last thing to mention: the UK is a diverse place with lots of people, lots of activities, and lots to see and do.  It can be scary thinking of being in an absolutely new place where you don't know anyone, but that would be true really anywhere outside of your home town.  Moving to (for example) Manchester from (for example) Dallas isn't much more of a culture shock than moving to Chicago from Dallas.  You'll get to know people, you'll find things to do, and if you really and truly hate it, and your partner loves you, you'll move back.

  I think before you make any decisions it sounds like you need to have a serious talk to your boyfriend.  I know you said it might hurt his feelings, but I don't think your going to feel any better about things unless you get some assurances from him.  Plus I'm sure he'd rather have you talk about it vs freaking yourself out and just running from the relationship.  I can't really relate with how your feeling, I'm a bit of an adventurer- I like the thought of the unknown and the challenge of seeing if I can handle new situations. The things your scared of can happen in any relationship. However, if your having these doubts I wouldn't make any decisions anytime soon.  You have your whole life ahead of you, and if this guy is worth you, he will understand and support you through this.  
  Hope things work out for you!
Cheers!

I am planning on getting married and moving to Wales within the next year. I am very much looking forward to it but when I actually give myself time to think about it, I must admit that I get scared. In all of my 27 years, I've never been more than a 2 hour drive from my parents. We live in Oklahoma. My older brother lives in Massachusetts and my little brother is away at college. My mother has multiple sclerosis and her health has been steadily deteriorating over the past year or so. I am terrified of leaving her because I'm afraid she'll be alone and what if something were to happen to her and I can't readily be there?

I am madly in love with my boyfriend and know deep down that he is the absolute one and only for me. The original plan was for him to move here but after much discussion and consideration we've decided that he has more going for him there career wise than I do here. Also, I've moved from one side of the US to the other with a few places in between and have thrived, made new friends and have been generally happy. My boyfriend, however has grown up in Wales and I think it would break my heart if I was the reason he had to "start over". Plus, I think it's easier for women to make new friendships and such - in my opinion, at least. My boyfriend, like yours, has also made the promise that if I don't like living in the UK, we can move back to Oklahoma. While I appreciate the offer, I'm not even looking at it as a feasible option. I fear that if I allow myself to think that there's an "out" available, I won't throw myself into the experience, country, culture as much as I should. I will make do and soldier on to the best of my ability.

Have you spoken to your family about your reservations? I talk to my mom about it all of the time and she continually reminds me "This is your life and you need to decide what's best for you. Don't let the fear of the unknown keep you from letting you live and grow. You'll make new friends. The world is a LOT smaller than it used to be - thank God for Skype! Your family and your friends are your past and your current. Dylan (the boyfriend) is your future."

All I know is, without Dylan I can't imagine much of a future. The moment I met him I couldn't see a future without him in it. He's my best friend and I feel that wherever he is, as long as I'm by his side - whether in the US, the UK or anywhere else - that will be home. My parents won't be around forever but I hope to have a long, fulfilling life overflowing with laughter, tears, babies, mortgages, car payments, etc. with my future husband.

The feeling I get when I think of life without Dylan is infinitely worse than the feeling I get when I think of having to be so far away from my family and current circle of friends. Moving my life to the UK is a massive sacrifice but one I am so willing to make.

While I appreciate the offer, I'm not even looking at it as a feasible option. I fear that if I allow myself to think that there's an "out" available, I won't throw myself into the experience, country, culture as much as I should. I will make do and soldier on to the best of my ability.

I agree with this attitude completely.  I think looking at something as temporary (unless it definetely is) can be detrimental to assimilation.  Personally, I wouldnt want to have that uncertainty hanging over my head either (although I realize for some people it can be more of a comfort than an uncertainty, perhaps). 

Hi,

I just want to say that you're asking all the questions I should have asked myself years ago when I was considering moving here, so you're a step ahead of where I was back then. I didn't even think about whether or not it would work out because, in my mind, it was going to work out (and goodness knows I tried really hard to make it work, even when the odds were against me).

So...here I am, in the UK, 15 years later. It didn't work out and the man I came here to be with has abandoned me. He was always abusive, but it was very subtle at first and got worse almost immediately after our daughter was born. It took me a very long time to escape from the situation (the divorce still drags on after nearly 2 years since filing). I have felt totally isolated from my family and friends back home and I now have to go through a very complex process to return to the US with my daughter.

Please tell your boyfriend how you feel. It is far better to voice your concerns now and address them, rather than wind up in a situation like mine. I wish I had asked all the right questions back then.

Please feel free to PM me if you feel like talking!

I know this is old now, it's been about a month since you posted here.

I'd really advise talking to your boyfriend.  About everything.  It's hard getting established over here.  I've been here 4.5 years and only started to feel a bit more at home after about 3 years. 

Moving here was very difficult on my relationship.  He was 19 when we met, 22 when we married.  I was 21 when we met, 24 when we married.  I didn't have the skills to really communicate what I wanted and expected from the relationship.  He didn't have the skills either.  There were a lot of things that I wish I'd said or discussed ahead of time now that I've been there, done that.  I really thought that my husband would understand and be supportive, and he has, to a point.  But it's been harder on him than he thought it would be as well.  Much harder. 

Please talk to your boyfriend, these are serious concerns.  And if he is unable to take them seriously or help you through them then both of you just might not be ready for the move. 

I have to post this just for a little experience of it all. I'm almost 42 years old, have been exactly where some of you are on this post. I have been with my husband now 9 years and we have 2 young children. We never thought we would have children so it wasn't such an issue for me to hop on a plane home whenever I wanted. Kids make it soo much harder on EVERYONE. You are litterally split in half. I love my husband more than life itself and nothing will part us even if we lived on Mars, but if you are not 100% sure that you can live in another country then don't do it. (You may love your partner to pieces so don't take that into account) LIVE in the country for at least a month doing things on your own without your partner before you make the decision. And if you can't afford to do that, then I really strongly recommend you dont' do it. It is sooo expensive here you really can't imagine the costs. I have never stopped missing the US and I would guess a lot of others feel the same.
/hugs Marli

I think everyone has already said it but I'm just going to throw in my few cents because I can, on some level, relate to how you're feeling. I'm 21 & my partner is 20. We've been together for about 2 1/2 years and we've been planning for who knows how long for me to move out there. So I've had ALOT of time to adjust to the idea. I'm still scared to bits but I'm a bit of a travel seeker and I also love my partner more than words. We are both very open about things which helps.

I think being able to talk to him about it is very important at this point. Relationships are amazing. Love is amazing. But you have to make sure to protect yourself and protect your future. If you know, deep down, you're not ready and might not ever be for such a HUGE change then maybe it's not right for you and him. It's a BIG sacrifice and a decision you can't take back as quickly as you make.

At the end of the day it's your life and your choice. Not long ago I had a talk with a friend who gave me this nice bit of advice that I quite liked 'for whatever choices you make just make sure you can look at yourself in the mirror the next day.' Cliche but it stuck with me.

I hope things work out for you no matter what happens x