Did anyone decide NOT to move to the UK and not regret it?

I met a guy online year and a half ago. We've been flying back and forth every 3-4 months. When I'm with him, everything feels right (not fairy tale perfect, but I know this guy would make a great husband and father). BUT after much research, I've discovered that it would take a lot of money and time (unemployed time) to find a well-paying professional career over there. I am a lawyer here and would have to take expensive classes and exams (over $7,000 which he would pay) to apply to be a solicitor there. And no need to suggest U.S. firms with London offices - they have small offices, really only hire transactional lawyers, and I'm a litigator. I would not want to have to work as a paralegal there, which is what a lot of even UK solicitors do.

Second, while I think London is charming, I hate the weather (I am from sunny California). And third, I really love America, warts and all. For example, I love that I can carry pepper spray in my purse and the fact that this is not an arrestable offense. I love the openness and friendliness of Californians and dislike the reserve of British and Europeans with strangers. I love my giant washer and dryer and all the other space here. In short, on a scale of 1-10 of doubt, I'm at 7 in terms of doubting that moving to London and giving it a real go (which could take over a year for finding a job) is for me. 

As for him moving here, he has a job that makes that very difficult at this stage of his career. And he does not have a University degree which might it easier for him to find work in the U.S. He says he is willing to move back to the U.S. with me in the future, but so far it's just a vague assurance. I would not want to find myself "stuck" in the UK with a partner who, it turns out, really has no desire to move back to the U.S. with me. In the meantime, if I move there to try it for a year or more, I'll have lost any income I would have here and would go through the massive pain of having to study another legal system, etc, at great cost to him.

A lot of people would say: Well, if you think he's the great love of your life, then you should throw your analytical caution to the wind and go! I cannot say that he is with certainty. I do know he would be a truly incredible and supportive partner. But so much of me does not want to move to a foreign country to be supported by a guy for an indefinite length of time. We have never set ultimatums for each other in terms of someone having to move or when. But if neither of us move, we will eventually drift apart or get bored of the tedious nature of an LDR.

Has anyone else struggled with a decision to move, decided not to move, and been OK with that decision? I'd be happy to hear any personal stories.

I think those who decided not to move at all tend to not hang around, but we have had a few who have moved and regretted it and moved back.  Of course, we have plenty who have regretted it, to an extent, and made it work.

It is such a personal issue. 

It sounds to me as if you've already decided. I don't really hear anything, aside from your boyfriend, which would make you enjoy life in the UK. And I'm not even sure if he would.

Once you've already made up your mind that you won't like anything about a place without ever living there, it's going to be virtually impossible for you to ever fit in and make it your home.

If I were you, I'd have a serious conversation with him and ask how committed he is to moving to the US to be with you.

I would generally say to someone to go for it when they have the prospect of moving to another country for a while, but honestly it doesn't sound like you're very keen, and (like many people on this board actually), don't have any particular interest in living in the UK for itself and wouldn't come if it weren't for your boyfriend. It also seems like you're quite settled and don't really want to leave that situation, which is perfectly reasonable. If he doesn't want to come to the US, then maybe it's more sensible to call time before you get too much more deeply involved.

Is it at all possible to do your job remotely? I follow a woman's blog who is a US lawyer and married to a Brit. She spends extended periods travelling to the US and working remotely when in the UK.

It sounds to me as if you've already decided. I don't really hear anything, aside from your boyfriend, which would make you enjoy life in the UK. And I'm not even sure if he would.

Once you've already made up your mind that you won't like anything about a place without ever living there, it's going to be virtually impossible for you to ever fit in and make it your home.

If I were you, I'd have a serious conversation with him and ask how committed he is to moving to the US to be with you.

I do agree with this.  And I would add that your position is understandable if you're really as career oriented as you indicate & how easily that would transfer over here, or not.

For some reason, although I'm not at all religious (despite being raised that way), the scripture comes to mind... ""Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

For a lot of us that moved here, or similarly for people who moved to the US instead - if a person is really the 'love of your life', well people make sacrifices (often very big sacrifices) to make that happen - to have a life with the one you love.  I didn't have a career such as yours, but I enjoyed my job in the US & it was a good fit for me.  Coming here I took a big pay cut & haven't been able to find anything comparable to what I had in the US, job-wise.  But I now work just part-time & my life revolves around meaningful (to me) interests outside work & a fantastic life with the man I love -- which is far better than what was 'just my job' in the US.  I know which lifestyle I prefer.  We don't have wheelbarrow-loads of money lying about & we aren't keeping up with the Joneses, but we have a very happy life together & we get to travel a lot & do the things we enjoy.

On the other hand, if your career is what makes you tick & what you live for, then that probably wouldn't work for you.  The whole YMMV thing.

Another thing to perhaps consider - just a thought...London isn't the whole of the UK. There's a lot of country here that is not London.

Good luck!

I know for me, when making the decision to move here to the UK, I thought about all that I would have to give up by leaving the USA, and whether it would be worth it for the things that I would be giving up by not being in the UK. For me it was an easy choice, as I felt there was more I'd be missing out on by not being in the UK, and although I've only been here a very short time now, I don't have any regrets even though I'm going through the same transitions, adjustments, and missing people and things from back in the States. But I think that when you know there's more that's keeping you in the USA than there would be for you in the UK, then you know what you'd be sacrificing to come here and whether or not it would truly be worth it to you. I think that you have to truly want to live in a place to really find your happiness there... and you really have to go (or stay) where you heart is. Good luck with making your decision, I'm sure that you'll do whatever is best for you.

As a bloke I thing you have all missed the key issue She would have to leave her big washer and drier!

Seriously, maybe she will spend the rest of her life constantly thinking 'what if I had only followed my heart'.

Things are not everything, but maybe they are to some people.

If it were me I would stay in California and take extended trips to the UK. Its hard to say really.

There's two people in the relationship, and maybe I've missed it but I don't see a particularly compelling reason why HE couldn't be the one to do the moving?  There's no law which says that women have to be the ones to make the change for men, even though that's often how it happens.

The washer/dryer thing is amusing, but missing the point.  It's not that she doesn't want to leave her 'things'.  Leaving California for dreary (weather-wise) London would be very difficult.  She already suspects it would be difficult, the reality will be worse.  I never even considered it (I'm from Virginia/ Washington DC so a fairly sunny area comparatively as well) and I know I feel every long, dark winter here.  Not to mention the fact that skirt/t-shirt weather lasts about 2 weeks here.  

You've given it thought and your concerns are valid.  I hope you're able to come to a resolution which you're happy with.  It's tough.

*edited* on further thought, the washer dryer thing?  totally a good reason to stay.   

jk of course.

I met a guy online year and a half ago. We've been flying back and forth every 3-4 months. When I'm with him, everything feels right (not fairy tale perfect, but I know this guy would make a great husband and father). BUT after much research, I've discovered that it would take a lot of money and time (unemployed time) to find a well-paying professional career over there. I am a lawyer here and would have to take expensive classes and exams (over $7,000 which he would pay) to apply to be a solicitor there. And no need to suggest U.S. firms with London offices - they have small offices, really only hire transactional lawyers, and I'm a litigator. I would not want to have to work as a paralegal there, which is what a lot of even UK solicitors do.

Second, while I think London is charming, I hate the weather (I am from sunny California). And third, I really love America, warts and all. For example, I love that I can carry pepper spray in my purse and the fact that this is not an arrestable offense. I love the openness and friendliness of Californians and dislike the reserve of British and Europeans with strangers. I love my giant washer and dryer and all the other space here. In short, on a scale of 1-10 of doubt, I'm at 7 in terms of doubting that moving to London and giving it a real go (which could take over a year for finding a job) is for me.  

As for him moving here, he has a job that makes that very difficult at this stage of his career. And he does not have a University degree which might it easier for him to find work in the U.S. He says he is willing to move back to the U.S. with me in the future, but so far it's just a vague assurance. I would not want to find myself "stuck" in the UK with a partner who, it turns out, really has no desire to move back to the U.S. with me. In the meantime, if I move there to try it for a year or more, I'll have lost any income I would have here and would go through the massive pain of having to study another legal system, etc, at great cost to him.

A lot of people would say: Well, if you think he's the great love of your life, then you should throw your analytical caution to the wind and go! I cannot say that he is with certainty. I do know he would be a truly incredible and supportive partner. But so much of me does not want to move to a foreign country to be supported by a guy for an indefinite length of time. We have never set ultimatums for each other in terms of someone having to move or when. But if neither of us move, we will eventually drift apart or get bored of the tedious nature of an LDR.

Has anyone else struggled with a decision to move, decided not to move, and been OK with that decision? I'd be happy to hear any personal stories.

Sounds like you'd be giving up an awful lot for a lot of "maybes" if you came to the UK. I've known many people who had long-distance relationships, and once they were actually living together in the same country it quickly fell apart. That wouldn't necessarily happen to you, but it's smart to keep your head on straight and not just assume you'd get the fairy tale.

In your situation I'd think about how long into the future it would be before he could move to you, and see if he were definitely interested in that. Then maybe just continue the long distance relationship until he can come to you or go ahead and move to him feeling secure he will keep his end of the bargain when the time comes. A good job, a nice lifestyle somewhere you enjoy living, as well as a big washer/dryer, is a heck of a lot to give up, imo, for someone who doesn't seem definitely devoted to making the same sacrifices for you if need be.

Is there any way to take a short leave of absence from your job to stay over here for perhaps a few months?  Live life here for a bit?  Talk to people in your profession?  or for him to do the same?  It may allow you both to make a more informed decision about this.  But quite honestly, this is why I never dated anyone long distance - I dated someone and moved for them once and it was bad for me in so many ways (no job, no friends, etc) - I would now only move if I knew that I could find a life outside my guy.

It's honestly not a big deal and not something you would really miss (the big w/d, big fridge, etc). The ambiance of being there brings you to a level where you appreciate the things you had when in the US, but also the experience of humility in knowing that the US is such a land of excess. The sunshine, on the other hand, I could never have too much of. 

If you make excuses why NOT to go, you won't enjoy yourself. Instead of thinking of the negatives, think of the positives. It really is a once in a lifetime decision, and like someone else said.... In a few years will you regret it? Take a chance. If all else fails, at least you have the US to fall back on, unlike some who are refugees or asylum seekers who don't have that choice.

Hi there,

Looks like there isn't anyone on the forum who actually fits the situation you've asked about - i.e. not moved to the UK and not regretted it.

Like others, however, I feel compelled to respond to your post. The best advice I can give is to look inside yourself. Ask yourself what you are really looking for by posing such a question on an internet forum. You are a lawyer and it seems that you are internally building the case NOT to move here - as such, you're trying to get some witnesses/testimonials for the case you're building - your case for not moving to the UK.

If you were building a case to actually move over, then it might be something to seriously consider - since you're already building a case not to move, I'd stay put and let the guy move to you. I believe in the old saying, "what's for you won't go by you."

Best regards and good luck,

Jennifer

I understand a bit where you are coming from on the career side of things. I spent 7yrs studying to become an engineer. I met my husband while I lived in Scotland on a study abroad opportunity. Luckily, this allowed us to have a semi-normal dating relationship for a few months before I had to return back to the US. After I returned & graduated, we continued our LDR and eventually determined that the only way to be together was to marry.

We went back and forth on which country should we live in. After much discussion, mostly based upon financials, he came here to the US. Here we are 7 years later, and we are planning a move back to the UK. Do I regret not taking the chance to move there 7 years ago? Yes, I emphatically do. Staying in the US has done nothing but make me hate many ways that people are treated here, and while I recognize no place is perfect, I like the way people are treated in the UK (from a more socialist perspective). I also think I could have grown differently as a person from being enveloped in a new/exciting/fun culture. But then, I've always had a love affair for Scotland, ever since I was a child. 

Also, as a person that was laid off over a year ago, I have come to realize a job is just a job is just a job. At the end of the day, a job is not who we are - its simply a means to an end that feeds/funds the real us (but I guess some could say I'm biased on that as I've never had a great love for eng.).  I can't wait to get a chance to move out of engineering once we land in the UK and see if I can really find my true potential.

At the end of the day, KimPossible, it's a personal decision that only you and your b/f can decide. If you deliberately only see the roadblocks in front of you, instead of the potential, then that's your viewpoint. If you really think he's a great man, and love him dearly, you'd figure out a way to make it happen. Could it take a sacrifice from either of you? Of course it will, but it just might be worth it, no? What's a single year's worth of salary loss, compared to the potential gain?

All I can say is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side...