A registry wedding isn't a "real" wedding

DH and I were married at the register's office.

We had a registry wedding because

1. We wanted a small intimate wedding.
2. We didn't have a lot of money.
3. I came to the UK on a fiance visa, so we wanted to be able to plan the wedding quickly so I could get married as soon as possible and then start looking for a job.

One of DH's best friends is engaged.  The couple are having a registry wedding and then having a big, fancy wedding in a castle.

Very few people were invited to the registry wedding, including DH and me and some of their other very close friends.

When DH  and some other people complained about not being invited (the future groom was a witness at our wedding), the future bride said "Oh, the register's office is just where we sign the papers. It's not important. You're invited to the real wedding."

So, my wedding and the weddings of all the other people who were married in registry offices aren't real?

The couple are not religious, so it isn't about being married under God or anything like that.

It sounds like she is considering the second one to be her real wedding.  It sounds like her personal perception of her "big day".  It doesn't sound like it's about anyone else's wedding but her own.

Maybe it isn't real to her, I wouldn't take it personally. Also, there might just not be room at the registrar for everyone anyway.

x posted Nose over tail

I agree, it doesn't sound like she's making a statement on registry weddings...more that in her case, she's not attaching any significance to the signing of the papers at the registry (which makes sense if she's also planning another ceremony/big party).

I agree she isn't making a statement about your wedding or registry weddings in general.  But honestly, who cares if she is? Not everyone has the same opinion and it shouldn't affect how you feel about yours.

I eloped. I have had people be shocked by the thought and state they would never do it.  Doesn't bother me one bit.  To each his own.

I have to admit that we talked that way about the courthouse bit of our wedding, but we didn't invite anyone except for my parents to that one (to be witnesses), and it was partially because my mother was so upset that we would be married without the big wedding (which we totally had later). I wouldn't get too upset, I bet that's at least part of what's going on--she's trying to emphasise that you guys are important (and thus invited to the "real" deal) not that registry weddings themselves are somehow second class.

Sounds like she wanted a small intimate registry and to save the big palava for the castle portion of her wedding, why would your DH complain about that? Seems pretty selfish that he wants to intrude on something she wants to keep small.

I'm the sort of person who thinks that people should get whatever they want on the wedding day, rather than judging every single decision people make. If you feel that strongly about it then don't go to the castle wedding.

Just because she doesn't feel strongly about the registry portion for herself, in no way implies that she thinks all registry weddings "aren't real", might be worth saving yourself some hassle, giving people the benefit of the doubt and stop thinking the absolute worst by reading too much into things.  Even if she thinks registry weddings are the worst thing ever, who cares? Does that make you love yours any less? Mine is a registry and I couldn't give a flying fig if someone thinks it wasn't "real". Or that my black dress isn't suitable, or that I should have seat covers. People should be allowed to do what they want on their wedding day!

I agree with the others who have said not to take it personally. 

We got married in a registry office as well for all the same reasons you did sweetpeach.  When we've got the money we want to do another ceremony in Ireland where we got engaged (inside a stone circle).  We're thinking of it as our more spiritual ceremony.

I have to agree that she was probably saying it more to make you guys feel important ("Oh but you're invited to the "real" wedding so don't worry about not being at the registry thing").  I would probably say something similar if I was in that position and someone was grumbling about not being invited to the registry part. 

I do find it strange that a person would simultaneously plan both "weddings" though (just based on the general reasons people would plan a registry wedding as opposed to a castle wedding to begin with).

It could be that they're having a humanist ceremony, which doesn't have legal standing in England, so they have to do a separate civil ceremony anyway?
I agree with the others, I think they just want you to realise that what they see as the real wedding for themselves is the big party, not that registry wedding isn't real for others.

DH and I had a registry wedding for the same reasons you listed. 

While it wasn't the wedding I had imagined as a little girl, it was perfect.  The registery office in Reading we used to be an old estate, so it was a lovely venue and we were surrounded by family. Just perfect!

Hubby asked me the other day if I was sorry we didn't have a big wedding and if I wanted to have a big event for our 10-year anniversary.  I told him no, that I was happy with the one we had and I wouldn't have changed a thing.  We're still thinking of renewing our vows for our 10-year, but nothing over-the-top.  I don't need that.

I'm sure this woman didn't mean anything as a slight to you, but as others have pointed out - weddings are very subjective things.  What works for some, doesn't for others.

Did she give a reason why she's having two? It doesn't make sense to me why if the first one, the one where they actually get married, isn't "real", why didn't they just get married at the castle? If the registry wedding isn't important to her then why is she doing it and not just having one wedding when it will "count". I find that strange and knowing myself, I probably would have taken it personally too. 

Did she give a reason why she's having two? It doesn't make sense to me why if the first one, the one where they actually get married, isn't "real", why didn't they just get married at the castle? If the registry wedding isn't important to her then why is she doing it and not just having one wedding when it will "count". I find that strange and knowing myself, I probably would have taken it personally too.  

I agree completely. I have nothing against having two ceremonies, you never know what someone's circumstances are, but it drives me batty when people call the second (generally fancier) ceremony the "real" wedding. No, no matter how many ceremonies you have, the one where you legally became husband and wife/partner and partner is your real wedding. Anything after is a ceremony, renewal, whatever, but not a wedding.

No, no matter how many ceremonies you have, the one where you legally became husband and wife/partner and partner is your real wedding. Anything after is a ceremony, renewal, whatever, but not a wedding.

For me, the "real" wedding is when you consider to be  married. A legal ceremony is all well and good, if you're allowed to have one. I'm from California where homosexual marriages aren't recognized by the state, but that doesn't mean that people can't stand up before their community, their family and friends, pledge their lives together, and exchange rings. It just means they aren't necessarily offered the legal protections that California offers hetersexuals who do the same.

I agree completely. I have nothing against having two ceremonies, you never know what someone's circumstances are, but it drives me batty when people call the second (generally fancier) ceremony the "real" wedding. No, no matter how many ceremonies you have, the one where you legally became husband and wife/partner and partner is your real wedding. Anything after is a ceremony, renewal, whatever, but not a wedding.

See, we went the other way, semantically. For a variety of reasons, we had a civil ceremony first (attended by two witnesses) and then our wedding 9 months later. We always called the first the ceremony and the second the wedding. Although really only a few people knew about the first anyway. 
I doubt the original bride meant anything negative by it.