Does this email from my parents seem cold? They declined my wedding invite!

Hi guys,

I emailed my parents about my wedding ceremony at NY's City Hall, inviting them to join us next month.  I copied and pasted their reaction.  Does this sound cold?

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Wow, it sounds like you have planned this out well. Have you heard from your landlord regarding a short term apartment? We appreciate you keeping us informed but we will not be able to make the ceremony but there should be no problem finding a witness at city hall. Maybe we can arrange a dinner for the following weekend for a celebration. We cannot speak for Heather, but we will certainly check with them to join us all. Will you be renting a car? We wish you happiness in your new life. All we have ever wanted is for you to be happy.
Love Us
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I can't believe my parents are declining my wedding invite!!  They attended my younger sisters wedding years ago!

I have a feeling the reason why they are declining is because my Dad cannot stand to go into New York City and my mom is working that day!


My parents wrote  above 'MAYBE' we can arrange a dinner?  omg I am so insulted. Did your parents sound more excited for you when you got marrried?  Am I wrong for feeling that this email is on the cold side?

Not knowing your parents, it's hard to say whether it's cold or not.

We wish you happiness in your new life. All we have ever wanted is for you to be happy.

That sounds crappy.

I always have the toughest time with emails. I find I misread (and mis-write!) the tone at least half of the time. Have you had a chance to ring them and ask why they can't make it?
Good luck, I feel for you!

online_girl, were you discussing your wedding plans with your parents previously & including them in the discussion about your wedding plans?  I assume they knew that this was in the works, didn't they?

The reason I ask is because if your email to them is the first they are hearing that you plan to get married next month, then they could themselves be very hurt by that.  I am struck by the very first statement:  "Wow, it sounds like you have planned this out well."

It sounds almost like that is the first they are hearing of it!  I can't speak for anyone else & I'm not a parent, but if I were - I think I would be hurt to first learn of my daughter's quickly impending wedding via an email (as opposed to an in person conversation, or a telephone conversation at the very least) & only being given a month's notice by email.  If that were the case, then I'd say their response isn't really that out of line.  It might be they need more than a month's notice for your mom to get off work or to make plans to travel?  Although obviously I don't know their circumstances.

But I'm assuming that you surely must have told them your intentions beforehand & so in that case, then yes, I would say their email seems cold.

Did you invite them via email? Also did you check the date with them before you set it? Sounds like they would be free the following weekend, but not that weekend?

Worth calling your mom to check I think as I'd be quite insulted if my daughter didn't do that first!

x=posted with Mrs R and agree with everything she says!

No it's cold. And I will tell you why. Children aren't measured by the same yardstick. It starts when they are toddling about and gnaw up your CD collection. As a parent, after you go kick the wheelie bin, you have to laugh it off. Then they get older and back into a dumpster in the family car. You can rant and rave, but in the end, if you are to stay sane, you have to let it go. Then they go off to college and you never hear from them except when they want to go to some rock concert or the lights are turned off. Then they meet a boy and decide to get married. He's got a tattoo of a dragon on his neck and drives a motorcycle. What can you do?

The point is that parents must always take the high ground. If you get an email at nine on a Friday saying, "Hey dad Zerco and I are getting married tomorrow at Pike's Peak", you hang up and start booking a flight and you do it with the biggest smile on your face you can muster. Standing on the peak the next day you kiss Judy and tell her you love her and that you will gladly stop the world from turning if she wants it. Then you hug Zerco, give him the evil eye, and slip him some cash for the honeymoon.     

No it's cold. And I will tell you why. Children aren't measured by the same yardstick. It starts when they are toddling about and gnaw up your CD collection. As a parent, after you go kick the wheelie bin, you have to laugh it off. Then they get older and back into a dumpster in the family car. You can rant and rave, but in the end, if you are to stay sane, you have to let it go. Then they go off to college and you never hear from them except when they want to go to some rock concert or the lights are turned off. Then they meet a boy and decide to get married. He's got a tattoo of a dragon on his neck and drives a motorcycle. What can you do?

The point is that parents must always take the high ground. If you get an email at nine on a Friday saying, "Hey dad Zerco and I are getting married tomorrow at Pike's Peak", you hang up and start booking a flight and you do it with the biggest smile on your face you can muster. Standing on the peak the next day you kiss Judy and tell her you love her and that you will gladly stop the world from turning if she wants it. Then you hug Zerco, give him the evil eye, and slip him some cash for the honeymoon.     

Great advice. I am going to print this off and take it out again in 20 years when my daughter meets her Zerco.

sonofasailor, you are an angel.    I wish my father was like you, I really really do.   

Eh...while all that stuff is great to say & everything, and hopefully parents aspire to it, it sounds more like something you'd see on TV or in the movies than the reality of most people's lives.  If there is one thing I wish I'd understood long before I did, it's that my parents were human beings - yes with feelings & everything!  

They had strengths & weaknesses, they were vulnerable, they made mistakes, they didn't always know the best thing to do, they weren't always right.  When I finally reached that understanding, my love & respect for them multiplied a hundredfold, and had I understood it sooner I'd probably have done a few things differently, taken a bit more care...

online_girl, without knowing the circumstances surrounding it, its hard to say wether or not its cold.  However, if you're finding it cold and upsetting ,then it seems to me you need to have a nice in person (phone, skype, if face to face is impossible) chat with them and discuss it.   Good luck for your new marriage   

Hi you guys,

I read all your responses and thank you. 

Yes, I did invite them via email. There are some whom would never do that but to understand my whole family, they are a very informal bunch. Our method of communication has been through email this whole time  since I have been here and I am positive they are ok with that and prefer that anyway.  I don't think they know how to use Skype, so email was fine with them.


Also, yes, my parents knew that I was intending to get married to him right from the beginning 6 months ago.  I told them that we fell in love and I will be relocating to England in the future.  It is just we didn't have the details down, dates, when and where...ect, until recently. 

(Our family isn't very close knit sadly, so re-locating isn't really hurting their feelings)

I did not check the date with them, maybe I should have, but we want to do this as fast as we can to get the Visa process in motion.  My BF is staying in the States with me for only two weeks.  This is why we didn't wait for the weekend to get married because everyday counts for us as we do not want to be separated for that long while waiting for a decision.

There is also the fact that my parents wouldn't help me out with a place to stay while I am waiting after my BF leaves back to the UK so we are going to rent an apartment for just a month so I will be safe and have a place to stay while he is away from me.  So this is why we didn't wait for the weekend.

The thing is my Dad is Retired!!   My Mom works at a Bank during the week, so I thought at least my Dad would go!

I also know my father hates to go into New York and I bet that is the reason. We don't live too far from NYC as we are in North Jersey. I don't think going into New York should take precedence over seeing your oldest daughter getting married!  I had to go try and find an acquaintance to be our witness and not my family members!!

To boot, even my Sister has not written me back on personal email and I wrote to tell her the news last week!  I have been trying to contact her on Facebook as well and she is not answering.  (I KNOW she has seen my Facebook messages on her wall because she HAS been on there commenting on other friends!)

I am honestly stunned about this because my parents went to my little sisters wedding years ago.

Had a rough weekend.

I'm sorry your family is being like that to you & of course, everyone's family is different.  Could it be they just don't understand all about why & how you had to plan it out in the way that you did?  Sometimes I think some explanations are difficult to adequately convey in email, so I wonder if you did have a telephone chat with them - maybe they'd come around a bit, or at least your dad like you said?  You could explain how it all came to pass & how their response so far has stunned & hurt you.  Emotion comes across so much better in a person's voice, than words typed on an email, IMHO.  I just wonder if actually speaking to them would give you any more peace or at least closure on the issue?

In any case, good luck to you & congratulations on your upcoming wedding. 

I do agree with Mrs. R that a phone call is needed now. 

If they hate the city, why not get married in Hoboken, or Jersey City?  That was my compromise.  When I wanted to get married in Manhattan my mom wouldn’t even give me addresses of my family to invite, and told me that they’d be the only ones there and that they would have to sit up all night in the train station to come.  I’ve been whining about her a lot on here.  She is actually lovely, but this has been a real challenge. 
I’m getting married in Jersey City now, far from Manhattan, no, but far enough that it doesn’t upset my mom and close enough to be able to get there via public transportation.