America to England: This was my greatest fear...

As an American, from NYC, marrying into a lovely, tea drinking, English family... Thank GAWD my mother in law did not respond to me this way.

I really do not even care about who is right or wrong - That email was sooooo nasty. It is a complete attack, and it is much more RUDE to attack someone like that, than ANYTHING mentioned about the future brides behaviour. She was not being productive by saying those things in that way to a soon to be family member. She was not looking for a solution. She was being harsh and unwelcoming to her step sons future bride. I'm sure the bride was not perfect, because who is? But the mother in laws reaction was much worse than the behaviour she was complaining about.

My heart goes out to the bride and groom.

I hope no one ever gets an email like that from a future mother in law again.

And I am calling my mother in law, to say hello, because i feel really blessed...

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Mother-In-Law-Email-Carolyn-Bournes-Stern-Etiquette-Message-To-Heidi-Withers-Goes-Viral/Article/201106416021513?f=rss

"Good manners are not that you won't spill sauce on the tablecloth, but that you won't notice, when someone else does."
A.P. Chekhov

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” - Emily Post (American authority on social behaviour who crafted her advice by applying good sense and thoughtfulness to basic human interactions. 1872-1960)

Manners are taking others' feelings into consideration when you do things.  No one is perfect with this, but when you notice someone else is being rude, you don't write an email about it.  Of course, the future daughter-in-law really shouldn't have forwarded it to everyone.  That was rude too.  Can't say that I wouldn't have done something similar, but I'd pretty much know that Emily Post would have frowned upon it.  But yeah, when someone is being rude, if you want to point it out to them, you should try to do it a bit sensitively.

What I wonder about the letter, the FMIL complains about Heidi going on about her diabetes and that she wouldn't eat certain things.  Was she saying she couldn't eat sugary things?  Some people control their diabetes with diet alone now (or very little medication in the case of type 1 diabetics), so if a diabetic said they couldn't eat something, even if it were contrary to what I thought a diabetic could or couldn't eat, who am I that it is just fussiness?  It sort of is a real food intolerance.  Maybe not an allergy, but a bona fide food intolerance.  

I laughed when I read this in the "in law" thread.  I thought yeah I would have forwarded it on because no one would believe how crazy my soon to be MIL is FOR REAL!  I am a picky eater and if you dont want to eat something - don't...you are an adult and really shouldn't have to eat everything they serve. 

Also the way I was raised is that the guest is the guest.  You make it about them - there food choices and special treats. Hmmm it seems that was not the case there.

I wont be jumping to call my MIL because she is on the crazy list ATM.

This makes me laugh more than anything. I totally agree it was rude on both parts. But I do understand her fury. My future MIL wants nothing to do to me. here we are 12 days before the wedding and the woman wont even speak to me on the phone.

But it is what it is and you have to read stuff like this and just laugh.

I totally would have forwarded that email to my girlfriends, because I would have been SOBBING if I got it. But, I can tell you for sure, NOT ONE of my friends would have forwarded it to anyone else.

And, as far as Heidi being rude: I would NOT trust that mother in laws perception on anything - because she has PROVEN herself to be mean, overly reactive, totally insane and, at BEST, very harsh.

She said the DOG was affected by the future daughter in laws behaviour.

The dog? Really? Really? The DOG???

She is officially completely discredited in my eyes for saying the dog was affected!

If that woman said ANYTHING to me about ANYTHING, I would get a second opinion.

And, it did not sound like Heidi was TRYING to be a bad guest - Some people just do not know the expectations of others - So the nasty reaction was NOT acceptable.

It all sounds VERY classist to me, on the part of the mother in law.

Maybe Heidi was simply not raised that way. It does not make her a bad person. We are ALL a Work In Progress.

What about compassion?

I think, as a 41 year old woman, if I come across another woman who needs information, especially a younger woman, who maybe needs help, or guidance... It is not only my role, but a GIFT to be able to provide it, so long as it is WANTED. And it must be done in a loving, supportive way.

This woman could have taken Heidi under her wing, and kindly, and supportively, mentored her.

She is her future mother in law. Her step son LOVES this woman.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A CLASSY MOVE.

As I posted in the in-laws thread.  It is sort of the host's job to find out about food and to make sure the son tells his future spouse whenthey wake up and all.

My bil came to stay and I called up the sil to find out what he eats for breakfast.  Not difficult. 

I mean was the poor girl supposed to wake up at 6 am and sit on the bed until she heard someone else get up?  If you sleep soundly then you might not wake up with everyone else. 

Although I would have loved to have a good relationship with my grandparents, it wasn't to be because they were all nuts.  At least my childhood taught me that you married the person and not the family and that you don't need to try to please the in-laws because sometimes it just won't happen! 

And, you did those things because you are a caring person, WITH MANNERS!

I read this the other day on a different forum and I have to say that if someone sent this to me, I would have laughed my booty off.  I definitely wouldn't have been offended or upset...purely based on the irony alone, if nothing else.  But I am very much a 'love me or leave me' type person and only give the weight of someone else's 2 pence if I trust and respect their opinion.

I do agree that the guest should be the guest.  They aren't supposed to "fit in" with everyone else...that would equal a fake person who is just trying to please you.  I'd rather know the 'real' person and not like them (but remain civil) than to spend the rest of my life dealing with someone who is so overly-eager to please that you never actually know them.

It does seem that the MIL went out of her way to be condescending though.  Complaining about the way she acted as a guest is one thing (if she genuinely felt insulted by the behavior, I can understand her points, although I don't think they were delivered effectively) but insulting her parents was just uncalled for.

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU!
That woman wants her butt kissed - but she needs it kicked.

Only, I would not laugh if I got an email from my future step mother in law like that.

It was hurtful.

I would be HURT that someone wanted to be so hurtful to anyone... Even if I knew none of it was really true.

Mean people suck.

I totally called my mother in law and invited her out to lunch for Monday afternoon.

I feel really, really lucky to have her in my life, and I plan to tell her as much.

I have to admit I agree with some of the points, but I wonder how much actually took place and how much was blown out of proportion. Was she offered cake and said politely "No, thank you, but I'm diabetic and can't eat that"? Did the MIL take that as "I'M NOT EATING YOUR FOOD BECAUSE I'M SICK!!!"?  If I had received that email from my MIL, I absolutely would have sent it to my partner, best friend, and mom, but they NEVER would have sent it to anyone else. Guilt on both parts, but more on the MIL.

I don't feel like the DIL did anything wrong by forwarding that email to a few friends. My friends are like my family. If I were truly upset by my MIL sending me an email like that- I would tell my friends about it, and of course they would want to read it for themselves. If anything it would be the friends that were out of line by forwarding it on.  Sounds like this woman got a taste of her own medicine though- Like my mother used to say: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Now maybe when she wants to voice her opinion she might think twice... In any case, I feel bad for the husband. What a position to be stuck in the middle of! 

Good grief. What a cow.

I saw a letter to the editor where the guy thinks the whole issue the MIL has is that she has to pay for a wedding she finds thinks class.

She just seems like a snob.

And the Bride's father weighed in. Ha ha. http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/motherinlaw-from-hell-we-call-her-lsquomiss-fancy-pantsrsquo-says-bridersquos-father-2305189.html

well, it looks like this might very well be a publicity stunt.  The son in this story has just set up a wedding planning service:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/jul/02/mother-in-law-email-weddings

I might be missing something here but is the young lady American?
I don't know about any of you but I have been involved in a "cultural" difference snafu with my MIL (who's Scottish and is as down to earth as it gets) and she kept it to herself until she felt so bad about it she mentioned it to her son, my husband, who then talked with me and I tried to clarify as best I could with her and in the end we had to chalk it up to a learning experience for both and move on. I was horrified to think that I would have caused her any pain or anguish and cried my eyes out. I have definately been blessed when it comes to my in-laws. I can't wait to get there and take her for tea.