Speaking Out or Zipping It?

So I was on the bus home the other day when a man sitting across the aisle lights up a cigarette and begins smoking. I'm not a smoker, so I didn't appreciate the waft of tobacco going in my lungs, especially when the sign right next to him said "No smoking on the bus" because it's illegal. I don't usually speak out, but on impulse I said to him as kindly as I could that he isn't allowed to smoke on the bus, and that he could get in trouble. He made a defiant comment and said he was getting off soon anyway. Why not wait the 5 minutes then?!

After that incident, my DH said that it isn't really wise to speak out to people here, mainly for my own safety and that the British don't generally get involved or say anything. I could see his point about safety, but it still got me thinking: Would the TV show "What Would You Do?", for example, just be a big flop if brought to the UK?

Has anyone else felt the need to bite their tongue while living here because it's the norm to do so?

I think this is a vast generalization.  

IMO in many instances in the US there are people that do not speak up when it is their right to. This is actually shown in that show "what would you do?".  
I don't think the show would be a flop in the UK at all, but would have similar results. the majority to shy, to unconcerned, whilst a minority decide to do something.

I am British and reserved but I will say something if it needs to be said. Especially when it may cause harm to another, or if I do not feel in a safe situation I make my presence known via my body language or eye contact. Of course in very unsafe situations like being alone with a man on a bus it may be more wise to move away or bring it to the attention of the driver.

I told an American lady off at the local swimming pool here in Texas the other day that came and moved my children's items and mine from sun loungers we were using (there were several other empty ones available, but she took a liking to our spot). She actually decided to stand there and argue her case for moving all our stuff so she could sit there (this is the entitlement I find prevalent in today's society both in the US and UK) ... But I am also willing to tell the teenagers off as they walk past my house cursing.

my DH said that it isn't really wise to speak out to people here, mainly for my own safety

This is not just the case of the UK but of the US too, I have found that in general people have sense of entitlement in both countries. Whilst at the same time there are people who will do the right thing (in both countries)

In NYC I have no problem telling people when they are being rude.  The guy playing music without headphones on the subway, the jerks who won't give a pregnant woman their seat (I'm always happy to get up), the person who shoves me.  Rarely have I snapped at people abroad, it tends to only happen when I'm very worn out and feeling in danger or being ripped off.  Even though all of my recent trips and my Bunac stint have really made me feel comfortable in London I find that I really do bite my tongue at the normal things that would annoy me.  I feel like it wouldn't just be a person telling a seated jerk to have some manners and give the pregnant lady a seat, but some ugly American telling people what to do.

I take the bus every morning. Lately, a man's been getting on and blasting his music. I know it doesn't really compare to cigarette smoke, but, I do have a point. Last Tuesday, the man with headphones got on, and sat all the way in the back. It was pretty loud, but, I wasn't about to say anything to him, because he looked like a man who wouldn't think twice about bashing my head in. The bus driver was pretty distracted by the noisy music, and climbed out of his seat and asked the man to turn it down. The man said,"Wha?!" and the driver repeated himself, and headphone man said,"Why?!". The driver said that it was too loud and distracting him. I didn't turn around to see the response, but the music fromthe headphones was still loud, but not as loud, and the driver said nothing else. Headphone man now rides on a daily basis, in a seat near where I usually sit, with his music on loud. I look out the window, keep to myself, and pray that nothing happens on the drive. I would never, ever, ever say anything, to anyone unless absolutely necessary where I live. I can't wait till I can drive!!!!

I feel the same as Sscarllet. I imagine that if I complain, the person I am complaining to is going to think, "Those Americans, they're always complaining," and not take me seriously.

I'm British and I complain! I don't really run into smokers, but I seem to have a fairly frequent issue with loud people in the quiet coach on cross-country trains. The last time I asked someone to be quiet (in an extremely nice way), she swore at me. But the woman sitting in front of me thanked me for doing it, and the loud woman moved to a different coach. So, the way i see it, I can take a little verbal abuse if it means I get my own way in the end. 

Just found out the other day that playing loud tinny music from a mobile on a bus is called "sodcasting":

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-13749313

I am a socialist who struggles with this and other forms of anti-social behaviour. "My people" can be trying. And it cuts to the heart of the matter because quite frankly like Andrew Marr states in his History of Modern Britain, (paraphrased) it only takes one drunken family to ruin the whole tower block. Public transport, in my opinion, is of prime importance in shaping a sustainable future. It can't be the American kinda thing where you only ride if there is absolutely no other option. But like abbygirl....it can be so frustrating that car ownership becomes an overwhelming draw...

But I am confused by manners. You know Ned on the bus gets our wrath while the quiet, nicely dressed banker, who will nail you to a cross if given half the chance, is well thought of. I understand what the punks were about.

In the end I don't know if there is an answer, and it confuses me. 

Reminds me of the time we were watching the Seven Nations rugby in this tiny pub, and some really really drunk man was standing (and wobbling) in front of the screen, blocking the view of everyone behind him (including me, my husband, and our friends.) Everyone kept looking at eachother and whispering and I knew they were just as annoyed as I was. I even asked my husband to tell him to move and he for some reason wanted to wait. It was like pulling teeth.

Finally, I, brash 7-month pregnant American, walked up to drunkie and told him that if he needed a seat, he could sit in mine. He took the hint and moved. I was proud of myself but nobody around me seemed very impressed that I spoke up...though it benefited us all!

My thought is, pick your battles and if you do need to speak up, do it....they expect it from you anyway once they hear the American accent. And it's not like anyone in the UK has guns, so what's the worst that could happen? 

Though I will add that I have many a-time wanted to tell a group of yobs to quit acting so foolish, but I held back for fear of becoming a Daily Mail headline!

"What Was She Thinking?: Drunken yobs beat loud American mum."

Or the Sun:

"I stood up to yobs - NOW I EAT THROUGH A STRAW."

My thought is, pick your battles and if you do need to speak up, do it....they expect it from you anyway once they hear the American accent. And it's not like anyone in the UK has guns, so what's the worst that could happen?  

They could stab you. Many of my friends have, with concern, warned me about speaking up because many people won't hesitate with blades. Granted, that doesn't stop me from speaking up on the occasions I feel is most necessary.

Back to the headphones thing, a few times I have been the one with the music too loud out of headphones, 100% of the time without knowing. I guarantee that if someone politely asked me to turn it down, I would apologetically do so. It annoys me sometimes when my classmates complain about it like it's sending the entire country to the dogs. When I ask if they try and ask the 'offender' to turn down their music, they always reply that I haven't tried. I can definitely understand someone's fears but most people who play their music too loud [accidentally] aren't going to stab you. These are the people who speak about the people ruining their community yet they are so frightened to speak to these people who are a part of their community  

Of course, there are plenty of people who do know and don't care. In my experience, most of the time, those people don't expect anyone to tell them a thing. And they're shocked when someone does.

Though I will add that I have many a-time wanted to tell a group of yobs to quit acting so foolish, but I held back for fear of becoming a Daily Mail headline!

"What Was She Thinking?: Drunken yobs beat loud American mum."

Or the Sun:

"I stood up to yobs - NOW I EAT THROUGH A STRAW."

 

On a more serious note as Sscarllet and sweetpeach have said, I have also hesitated about saying something for fear of appearing as the ugly, complaining American. For my first year here, it genuinely stopped me on a number of occasions. Now I think 'hey, I live here too! I can speak up, American or not!'

I struggle with the decision as everyone else does. I think it is a case of looking at each individual situation. I have spoken up before when a group of young people are swearing like crazy if a child is nearby and it has been very effective. I have said in a very nice voice something to the effect that they probably didn't notice the young child and I am sure they appreciate the child doesn't need to hear that. There are usually a couple who take the message on board and become the enforcers in the group. Loud music wouldn't really bother me, so I wouldn't say anything. If it really did- it would depend on the person, but I would keep it light hearted and say something like it has been one of those days and I would appreciate it if they could turn it down just a notch.

I find overall most people are responsive to kind understanding requests with a reason. Smoking I would apologise and mention my asthma. I know this is a backdoor way of handling situations but to me it is about being effective, not confrontational.

I spoke up once on a train when a group of guys were harassing some kid.

Then they, of course, turned on us and started threatening to report me to immigration. 

They were really treating the kid badly though, so I still figure it was the right thing to do.  Besides, I had my citizenship by then. 

OT, but mentioned previous - does anyone else find the British preoccupation with knives slightly funny? I may just be jaded and from the midwest, where nearly everyone owns a hunting rifle AND carries a knife everywhere, but I mean - it seems like the only thing Englanders fear. And when a youth has one, they act like they're invincible, like they have the most secret deadly weapon known to man. "Don't mess with him, he has a KNIFE!" And the whole ID-to-buy one.

I mean, yeah I don't want to face off with a violent kid with a knife, but STILL...I feel like I'm having a Crocodile Dundee moment anytime someone mentions knives in England.

ETA: I still remember talking with my sister-in-law and complaining that I couldn't find pepper spray anywhere in the country. She was AGHAST that I would want such a dangerous weapon and acted like I was a gangbanger. It's self defense - elderly joggers carry it in the US!

My sister had a coworker who stabbed his ex wife to death, and when I was on grand jury, I had to listen to an 8 year old boy who had witnessed his aunt stab his mother.

So I would say knives can be pretty dangerous.

OT, but mentioned previous - does anyone else find the British preoccupation with knives slightly funny? I may just be jaded and from the midwest, where nearly everyone owns a hunting rifle AND carries a knife everywhere, but I mean - it seems like the only thing Englanders fear. And when a youth has one, they act like they're invincible, like they have the most secret deadly weapon known to man. "Don't mess with him, he has a KNIFE!" And the whole ID-to-buy one.

I mean, yeah I don't want to face off with a violent kid with a knife, but STILL...I feel like I'm having a Crocodile Dundee moment anytime someone mentions knives in England.

ETA: I still remember talking with my sister-in-law and complaining that I couldn't find pepper spray anywhere in the country. She was AGHAST that I would want such a dangerous weapon and acted like I was a gangbanger. It's self defense - elderly joggers carry it in the US!

I read some article in a newspaper when I first moved here where members of the community had given up their knives to support knife crime laws or something like that and they were collecting bread knives and all sorts! I thought, "Great, so how does anyone cut a steak?" Being from a place where nearly everyone carries a gun, I don't really fear knives as a general rule, but of course, I wouldn't want to face off with someone who intended to use one on me. Still, I think it's pretty silly to surrender all the knives in your house for the cause. 

Though I will add that I have many a-time wanted to tell a group of yobs to quit acting so foolish, but I held back for fear of becoming a Daily Mail headline!

"What Was She Thinking?: Drunken yobs beat loud American mum."

Or the Sun:

"I stood up to yobs - NOW I EAT THROUGH A STRAW."

LOL. I do kind of fear this, and also think that if I complain, people will just think it's because I'm an American and that's how we roll or something. I hate feeling that way, and DH thinks it's ridiculous, but still... I can't help worrying about it.