The (evil) ex-wife...how much interaction is necessary?

I'll be getting married and moving to the UK this Fall.  My wonderful hubby-to-be has an 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage.  His ex-wife has in the past done some pretty evil things, like threatening to not allow him to see his daughter, etc.  Her parenting skills also leave a lot to be desired.   In fact, I'm almost positive her actions would be grounds for custody being awarded to my hubby-to-be in the States (shame the laws are so different in the UK).  I've never met her (yet) and would like to keep interactions to a minimum in the future, like birthday parties and school events.  My husband-to-be thinks this will cause problems and make her think I don't like her.  So my question is this.... is this a cultural thing?  Do you have to be overly friendly to your husband's ex-wife?  Or is it fair enough that I'm civil to her at her daughter's activities? 

I don't see why you have to deal with her any more than necessary.  You shouldn't be forced into anything that will make you uncomfortable.  That said, you will most likely have to interact with her more than just on special occasions.

You can be polite and civil when you see her, but by no means do you need to go out and seek her and be her friend.

I laughed at this. sorry

I personally would love it if we had a better relationship with the ex as it would make it easier on the kids "if we all could just get along".

It doesn't happen that way for us.  I would love to have birthday parties where we all were together and put their differences aside - but that will happen the day hell freezes over.

Don't judge it yet - even if you think she is psycho she is in your life forever.  Be friendly and if she is indeed crazy you and you DH can b*tch about her but NEVER in front of the kid(s).  She might pull stuff more once you are here but take it in stride.

The child is 8, don't worry they are quick and the pick up on stuff quickly. If the mom threatens not to let you guys see her. IMO and our experience I would tell the daughter mom wants to spend more time with her and honestly my DH would/has said mom is not letting you come here but we miss you.

Be honest just dont talk sh*t - if that makes sense?

Now most may not agree with me but this our personal experience.  Be civil and be polite and even if she isn't you are the bigger person ;-)
See ya when you get here and we can swap stories lol

Ooh Ooh me! I can soooooo swap those stories too!!!

I call her the egg donor 

I agree, you don't have to try to be BFF with her, but I wouldn't actively avoid her either, unless you have history between you that would warrant it.  Plus, to be honest, in my experience she's probably not going to be interested in spending much time with you either! 

I was a bit scared meeting kiddo's mum, because BF absolutely despised her for some very good reasons.  But she's never given me a reason to feel uncomfortable or to despise her. We're in a bit of a different situation in that he has full custody.  He admits that she has really come along in the last few years and that he just finds it difficult to let go of stuff that happened in the past.  (Here's hoping the other exes in this thread follow suit!  )

Sure, she more or less ignores me when we do the swap over, but you know what, I'll take that any day of the week over hostility.  I see her kid more than she does, so I can't really imagine what that must be like for her.

Like ChillyWilly said, even if she's being crappy, just grin and bear it and don't say anything about it in front of the kid.  It's all you can really do and really, in the grand scheme of things, you probably will only have to spend about .2% of your time around her anyway even without trying to avoid her.  In my experience, the "kid exchange" as I like to call it only lasts for about 5 minutes.  So, 5 minutes twice a weekend?  Not terrible really! 

Good Luck! 

Thanks everyone.  Strangely enough, she said she wanted to give me a big hug when she met me.  Anyone else find that sort of weird?    She wanted to meet me when I was over there visiting a few weeks ago.  I declined.  I think meeting his family was stressful enough (they were all wonderful ).    I honestly think she's just being nosey.  I really have no interest in being her friend though.  Obviously, she doesn't know I know she's evil.   It doesn't help that she's rather, um...manly?  Not sure what word to use there.  Let's just say she doesn't have inner or outer beauty.  I know that sounds awful, sorry.   I really would like nothing more than for her to be a wonderful mother and a good person.  That would make things better for everyone, most importantly her daughter. 

Well, it's good to know that I'm not alone.  Misery loves company, right?  We will definitely have to swap stories.  I'm trying my hardest not to picture her surrounded by flames with horns and a pitchfork....   

If she's anything like our egg-donor, then yeah. She's going to be sweet as molasses to be nosey AND to try to get on your good side.

Looking at it practically (and cynically, yes, but I've been proven right more often than not), you being there means he's now got someone else to pay attention to, who lives with him, and who does have some say over what happens in the house/with the money/etc.  She'll want to keep you happy for a while.

Our situation was a bit unique...

My husband, his ex and I all know each other back years ago online.  We had the same circle of friends, even though we never met.  So when she and I met the first time it was all OMG! HEY!!!!! Wooo! We finally meet! (even though I knew the story - it was still cool to meet).

Then she wanted to be all BFFs because "we were all 'family'". Um. no. I'm not YOUR family, thanks.  Then I found out why she wanted to be BFFs.....

Because suddenly this woman who doesn't work had a FULL schedule with meetings and this and that...so suddenly it was "hey do you mind if the kids are over while I (insert whatever here)?"  "Do you mind taking them to school on monday morning?" "Do you mind if they stay the week with you while I..."

And obviously I didn't work at the time, so what COULD I say?  That I wanted the week to spend time alone with my new husband?  That we didn't want to be her glorified baby sitter, when SHE gets benefits for them and we don't see a dime, even though we have them almost half the week?  We don't say much at all around the kids but sometimes they do hear our conversation.

And my husband wants them around as much as possible.  And that is fine with me, I just ended up getting caught up in not wanting to do it on principle.  I eventually settled in right and now I don't care. If I am available and want to do it and she asks, I just say yes.  Interestingly enough, it doesn't happen all that much now.

Then again, we barely see/speak to her.  And I put her in her place (nicely) when she stepped way out of line with an issue.  We set it up so we pick the kids up on Friday afternoons and then Walk the kids to school on Monday mornings.  So, if we are lucky, we don't see her AT ALL.

Then she wanted to be all BFFs because "we were all 'family'". Um. no. I'm not YOUR family, thanks.  Then I found out why she wanted to be BFFs.....

This is EXACTLY what I'm afraid of.  I don't trust her.  She also likes to go out/party on weekends and generally not be bothered with her kids (she has another child with a different man).  Just an all around bad mother.  Ugh.  I often wonder what my hubby-to-be was thinking when he decided to marry and have a child with her.

So, I guess the answer to my original question is... no, being expected to be overly friendly to your husband's ex-wife is not a UK thing.  So I'm probably justified in feeling a bit strange about it all.  I've also learned that there are plenty of evil ex-wives out there and I should probably just join the club, LOL.  Great...should be an adventure...          

See, as a step-child myself, maybe I see it differently.  I didn't expect to have my parents all spend much time together--it was awkward when they did, but like it or not, you ARE kind of family, and will need to know each other and interact fairly regularly.  She may be crazy, but she's still the mother of your husband's child, and as such there will be interaction.

Personally as a mother, I'd be pretty worried if my child was about to gain another parent in the family and they didn't want to at least have met and have some feel for each other.  I would be really worried about who this person is that will have a huge influence in my child's life and like to at least get some feeling for if they're psycho or not and if they will try to work together.  Keep in mind, an ex-husband's feelings could be very coloured by the past negativity, and he could just as easily come off to the other side as the evil ex. I'm sure yours isn't.  I'm not speaking specifically, but it is possible she'll be okay with you if you try to be positive with her and reassuring that you aren't going to be destructive towards her relationship with her daughter.  Even the best of step-parent relationships can feel so threatening sometimes where there have been insecurities in the relationships.

So I may be different, but I think you should meet her and then you can get it over.  You'll probably never be great friends, but how much easier will it be to keep a relationship that will last the rest of your life civil if you start on a nice note instead of shutting her out at the very first opportunity.  I just think it's too easy to read negativity and hurtful intentions into that--even if there are none.  She doesn't know what your side is and how you feel overwhelmed about meeting his family.  Really, even though they aren't together, as the mother of his child, doesn't she have more potential of making life hellish than any of his actual relatives who you can get away from more readily?

Oh and I agree with you Cadenza.
I am a stepchild and I love my stepfather and my parents can all interact.  The ex here wont take the time to speak with me or really anything, when I wanted a easy relationship. I didnt get that so I now I just accept it.  I am nothing but nice as I care for her kids because they are DH's kids and that love is there.

I do wish it could be friendly or at least something more then it is.  Which is why I stick to my guns as don't talk sh*t, be nice and take it all in stride. ;-)

I don't think it's a US vs UK thing...just a personality thing.

I don't know how much of your opinion of her is based solely on what your significant other is saying...but try not to judge too quickly or automatically look for the negative.  Remember there are two sides to every story.  Try to look at it from her point of view for a minute.

Even a "bad" mother is going to be interested in what type of person their child is going to be spending significant amounts of time with.  I wouldn't let my kids go spend the night with someone I didn't know...even if she was engaged/married to their father.

As pp said, you are going to be stuck with this woman for life so being as "delicate" as possible is probably the best way to proceed.  I wouldn't be bending over backwards to be her BFF but I also wouldn't be going out of my way to avoid her.  I would be friendly and try to get to know her before condemning her.  

I'm a step-child also.  I also have a half brother (my father remarried and had another child) and had step-siblings (mother remarried a man with kids).  So as far as non-traditional families go...I've been through it all, unfortunately.  However, none of my parents or step-parents were evil.  I was lucky in that everyone acted like adults.    

Personally as a mother, I'd be pretty worried if my child was about to gain another parent in the family and they didn't want to at least have met and have some feel for each other.  I would be really worried about who this person is that will have a huge influence in my child's life and like to at least get some feeling for if they're psycho or not and if they will try to work together.  

If that was the case, I wouldn't have a problem with it.  But remember, she's a horrible mother.  I highly doubt she's concerned about influences on her child.  In fact, she recently moved a guy in with her that she had known for only a few weeks (he left after a few weeks and is now back again).  She routinely makes poor decisions like that when it comes to her children.  I'm still going with she's just nosey.    

I do understand what you're saying, Candenza.  If this woman was an outstanding mother, I'd agree.  But I just have this feeling that there's a more sinister side to all of this.  I could be wrong.  I am fully aware of how difficult she could make my life.  I've had the discussion with my hubby-to-be a few times.  He assures me there won't be any "baby mama drama".  Obviously, he can't guarantee that though...  

      

I think it's really unfair to continuously say what a horrible mother she is when you've never even met her.  Not to be rude but you're not even a parent and your judging her parenting skills based on (probably) biased information you're receiving from your fiance.  Remember there are two sides to every story and she could probably tell you a thing or two about your fiance that would paint him to be evil (with her bias, of course).

Look at it like this, you imply her going out and partying on the weekends is an example of bad parenting.  What difference does it make what she does when her kids are safely with someone else?  Is she supposed to sit at home knitting all night?  You could turn everything she says or does into something evil if you are only looking for the bad.  She is human and we all make bad decisions every now and then...even when it comes to parenting.

My point is try not to be so quick to judge until you get to know her and you can form your own opinion based on what you observe and not just hearsay.  If you try to stay optimistic and give it a chance, you might find out that she's really not so bad.

I dated a guy once who made his baby mama out to be the most evil person on the earth..and I don't even think he did it on purpose.  It wasn't until after I had stopped dating him that I realized she never was that bad to begin with but I had been "poisoned" against her.

I think it's really unfair to continuously say what a horrible mother she is when you've never even met her.  Not to be rude but you're not even a parent and your judging her parenting skills based on (probably) biased information you're receiving from your fiance.  Remember there are two sides to every story and she could probably tell you a thing or two about your fiance that would paint him to be evil (with her bias, of course)

Yes, completely unfair.  But you'd find it absolutely justified if you knew everything.  You don't have to be a parent to know the difference between right and wrong.   I really don't want to meet her at all.  Obviously, that's not a possibility.  She has been a concern of mine almost since day one.  Packing up your life and moving to another country is crazy.  Moving and intentionally subjecting yourself to drama is insane.  I'm just trying to get an idea of how much I'm going to have to interact with her, that's all.   And yes, I do realise that my guy's opinion is biased.  I don't agree with his parenting decisions all of the time either. 

Yes, completely unfair.  But you'd find it absolutely justified if you knew everything.  You don't have to be a parent to know the difference between right and wrong.   I really don't want to meet her at all.  Obviously, that's not a possibility.  She has been a concern of mine almost since day one.  Packing up your life and moving to another country is crazy.  Moving and intentionally subjecting yourself to drama is insane.  I'm just trying to get an idea of how much I'm going to have to interact with her, that's all.   And yes, I do realise that my guy's opinion is biased.  I don't agree with his parenting decisions all of the time either. 

The fact that you are so concerned about this issue is why it perplexes me so much that you haven't even met her.  For me, meeting her face to face and having an in-depth conversation about how the "situation" was going to work would have been a pre-requisite to any engagement plans.  I'd want to know exactly what I was getting with this package deal (because his ex is part of that package along with his daughter).  Yes, it would be awkward but it would be a necessity for me. 

As far as the contact, that really just depends on how the 3 of you decide to handle it.  If you have that much hostility towards her, there's nothing saying that you can't step back and not be involved at all, and let the mother and father handle everything amongst themselves.  Just be civil to her when you have to be in the same place at the same time (birthday parties, if they are done jointly, and things like that) but have no contact with her otherwise.  My mom and dad literally went for years without speaking to each other at all and I don't think she ever met my dad's first serious girlfriend (of 15 years).  It's not ideal but every situation is going to be different depending on the circumstances.