Back in the states...how do I cope?

well I arrived here yesterday and I feel so lonely and lost.  I've talked to my boyfried twice and he says he is OK but I think he is putting on a brave face and I want to be like him but its so hard.  I'm not exactly sure when I can apply for the fiance VISA because we are waiting for his divorce so it could be months.  How do you stay happy?  I just cant imagine feeling this way for  months and months!!  Please someone give me some advice on how to cope.  I also get paranoid feelings like oh gosh we'll never make it ~  before we both had a computer and were able to see each other~  his computer went kaput so now we can only talk by phone or send each other letters.  He's going to try and get a computer but he cant really afford one right now.  I know its rediculous feeling this way cuz I know he loves me like I do him but they creep in sometimes.  Does anyone have any suggestions.  I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!  help!!

anybody?  please any advice on how to cope...  I woke up in quite a state and have been up ever since.  I am still on England time I guess but I just need some coping advice.  Please any help would be truly appreciated!!!!

Sorry you are struggling Karen- adjustment after a visit is difficult. The best advice I can give is to get on with things for yourself at home. Meet up with friends, go out and live your life. Of course arrange special times to talk to him- do special things like bake him some homemade goodies. You can always eat the extras when feeling down . We used to occassionally watch a dvd while on the phone so we could talk about it. It is normal to miss him, it is normal to worry about things-- but you have to focus on other things- get involved in as much as you can in your everyday life.

Thanks HG~  I just talked to him on the phone and he sounds just as down as me~  he wants me to get on a plane and come back but I have already been in the UK for 6 months so thats not possible plus I have to finish up my divorce here.  Wish it was easier ~  I told him to get a computer maybe seeing each other would make it easier so we are thinking about that but hes afraid he'll never want to step away from it. ~  hate hearing him so down makes me worry.  Its hard to get busy when alls you want to do is sit here and cry ~ but sometimes I feel better then other times.  I did figure after a few days it would get easier but it sure doesnt feel like it will but we will manage~  LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL!  LOL...  seriously thx for your advice its nice to hear some encouraging words when you're feeling like this.  Take care!

Hey Karen,

Sorry you're feeling like this. I'm one of those that's prone to severe depression so when I had to part with DH, I would be in a state like you for a really long time. The things that helped me were probably crying to my family (sisters, mom) and telling them how much things sucked. Also of course keeping really busy. Good luck and you can use this space to vent and tell us how much things suck. We'll listen!

I think most, if not all of us have gone through this at some point, and to varying degrees. 

It is hard, very hard, as you are experiencing now. Throughout our 4 years doing the LDR, we had several periods where we were both so down. We always knew we'd wait for each other and see it through (I'm moving there in two weeks!), but the day to day could often be a drag. We really tried to be "up" and positive for each other and focused on happy things, rather than whining to each other how lonely/sad we were. Oftentimes we'd pick a topic of discussion for the day. It could be as serious as politics/religion or as silly as the best toys we ever received for Christmas. We tried to make each other laugh every day. We were silly as hell (especially at our ages 44 & 50). We encouraged each other to go out, see friends and not mope around the house. It  also helped give us more topic of conversation when we would talk about our comings and goings and nights out with friends and family. We tried to live our lives as if the other was just in the next room - we'd update each other several times throughout the day what we were doing, or funny things we heard on TV, or a simple, "I love you" email. Sometimes we'd just have a "rant" day where we'd unload on each other everything that was bothering us. Those days often made us feel better as well!

Resolve yourself to the fact that there will be a wait, and you will get through it. Be silly, be happy, make him laugh, tell him your deepest thoughts, plan "dates", surprise him (a card via smail mail with lipstick kisses), but also live your life. It will make the time go by much faster.

Good luck to you, SMILE, be happy in the fact that you found someone wonderful to love, and that this is just a temporary situation.

KarenP,

Most of what I have to say has already been said, but I'll try to add a thing or two.

I’m in a very similar position. I’ve just returned from an extended trip. I’m still jet lagged and I’m generally feeling pretty down. The first couple weeks post-visit are my least favorite aspects of being in a Long Distance Relationship, but I promise that you will settle into your home routine and being apart, though difficult, won’t hurt so much. You will adapt.

First, be kind to yourself. I think how you’re feeling is completely normal. It’s normal to be sad. It’s normal to cry. I often find myself thinking “this time last week we were doing a, b or c together and now I’m alone.” However, the best thing you can do is keep busy. Perhaps you could try making a plan to do things for the next few days, so you’ll be out and about. Don’t sit at home and wallow, if you can help it.

I find that it’s easier going out and doing stuff for myself when I know when my next chat with BF will be. I don’t sit around waiting for him and he doesn’t sit around waiting for me. I find I can better utilize my time when there is a “date” schedule. I don’t know if you are separated until you apply for a visa or if you will have another visit, but perhaps you could try setting mini-milestones along the way to your being together again. That might help the time pass more quickly instead of counting down the days or weeks until you can see him again.

Go out with friends. Do stuff you enjoy and try to be happy that you’ve met someone you love and would move to another country to be with. That’s a wonderful thing. 

We did the LDR thing for so many years, eventually I got to like it.

The coming back part is always horrible, though. Jet-lagged, back to work, bills on the doorstep. It's a Christmas afternoon kind of feeling.

Hey!  thanks for all the replies~  yeah its really hard ....  sometimes I have REAL positive feelings then other times I feel like I'll never see him again.  Its hard to get motivated when you're in this state of mind but I will try I do have a lot to do with getting the paper work done for my divorce and the VISA.  I dont work~  I'm actually staying with my soon to be ex husband but we get on real well and at first he seemed uncomfortable but hes ok now.  I told him I'd give the house a real good scrub down for him~  he seemed happy with that and even offered to pay me .. lol  I told him dont be silly!!!  I also have two teen age kids which I missed like crazy but being teens its like they saw me and they've already had enough of me .. LOL~  I plan on bringing them to England when I get back and my soon to be ex and I have decided it will be up to them if they want to move there or stay here in the states.  That is probably the hardest decision I have ever had to make is leaving my kids here and I have to be honest I still sometimes have my reservations on if its the right thing to do~  they will be off to college soon but its still a HUGE decision.  I talked to my boyfriend today and he is taking it really  hard~  I think cuz he is in the apartment all alone and all the memories~  that scares me thinking maybe he'll give up but he tells me not to be silly.  Being he doesnt have a computer I will write him letters, I know that will lift him up.  He just seems so far away which he is obviously but gosh I knew it would be hard just didnt realize how hard.  I tell you one thing I do NOT miss living in the states which may sound weird cuz when I was in England I always had people saying "why would you want to move HERE over the states?" ...  well I prefer the slower pace of life.  I guess its just more for me.  Plus I am in the suburbs of CT and I cant stand how everyone wants to keep up with the Joneses or how their kid had to be better then your kid.  My kids are just who they are and they are good kids they just arent #1 at everything they do but as long as they try thats all that matters.  Anyways we are hoping to apply for the VISA sometime in Sept or Oct so its not THAT long but it sure seems ages away but I guess it could be worse, we are just waiting for his decree NISI to come plus I want to wait till my divorce is finalized so I will have my settlement.  Thank you ALL for your input~  I know we'll get through this but I'm sure I'll be back on here crying again on your shoulders.  Take care!!!

<I laughed over when one poster said I think to myself this time last week we were doing this or doing that, I thought I was the only person that thought things like that> .....