I need some advice please!

Hello everyone!

I am new on this forum, I have read it for while now and I would like to share my experience with you and I hope someone can help me with some doubts I have.
Firt I have to say I met my wonderful boyfriend on the internet 2 and a half years ago and we have been together for 2 years now, he has come to visit me several times since then and finally at the end of last year he invited me to go to London to meet his family and to spend Christmas with them.
Everything was wonderful but then when I arrived I was refused to stay over there. Now that I think about it and after i have read other experiences here I can see we made a lot of mistakes, but we never thought something like that could happen. He paid for everything, he sent me the money for the tickets and for all the things I could need before the trip and he would be paying for everything I could need over there. So I went to London with my tickets, planning to stay over there 3 months and with no money... Now i can see how stupid that was, but we never thought about it back then... So at the customs, of course i was asked about money and the reasons why i was there. I told them just the truth, that i had no money and that i was visiting my boyfriend... They took me to a room and i had to stay there for around 7 hours, it was awful! I perfectly remember the faces of the woman and the man who are there! O felt just like a criminal, finally they let me go and they told me I could only stay in London for 5 days and then i would have to go back to my place. So, thats why i did. I cried so much while I was there but at least I had the chance to spend some time with my boyfriend and with his family, they are all adorable!
Now, we want to get married and he wants me to go to London with him, but I am so scared of applying for the fiance visa,I don't know if it will affect me having been rejected last year  :\\\'(  Do you think I could have a succesful application? Are they gonna ask more things because of that? Please, it would be so nice to know what you think about all this.
I am sorry for such a long post  I promiseI'll try not to write that much in the future 

Thank you all

I don't think you'll have any huge problems getting a fiancee' visa.  BUT, you must be prepared for the consulate to ask you questions about your previous trips to the UK.  They will know that you were given a limited entry and you'll need to be able to explain that.  There are a couple of people on here who have been denied entry and still went on to get their fiancee/spousal visas, and I'm sure they'll pipe up and share their experiences.

What they're really looking for in your application is that your fiance can financially support the both of you (and kids, if any) and that you'll have a decent place to live.  If you've got those bases covered, you should be just fine.

One thing though....you've only spent 5 days in England and you're ready to move here?  I'm slightly concerned about that.  Maybe you should apply for a visitor's visa (see ladymoonwalker's posts) and spend some more time in the UK before you decide to move over.  Believe me (and the others here)--living here is a whole lot different than visiting here! 

Good luck!   

I was refused entry on 23rd August 2002.  I was allowed to stay in the UK until 2nd September - flew directly to NY to get Fiancee Visa(s) (for me and 2 children).  It took longer than it would normally because of the refusal and they needed to get information from Gatwick.  I applied on Tuesday and had the visas Friday.  But that's because there were LOTS of phone calls going back and forth and they felt sorry for me at the Consulate because I had 2 kids with me and was not prepared for the delay (I think I was the first person on this forum to experience this sort of thing!).

I would suggest doing it by post, as there's going to be a longer waiting time anyway because of needing to get the refusal information.  But if all the other information they require is in order, you shouldn't have a problem.

Hello everyone!

Im sorry I didnt write before, my boyfriend surprised me and he came to visit me!  It was so unexpected! he stayed here almost 3 weeks, so you can imagine how happy i am feeling at the moment!
I wanna thank to peedal and lolabola for your replies, thank you guys 

One thing though....you've only spent 5 days in England and you're ready to move here? I'm slightly concerned about that.

I know what you mean and I understand what you say but i have to say thins and I know this is gonna sound as a cliché, but the place really doesnt matter, we just wanna be together and thats all, for sure it's not easy to take a decision like that, specially when you have to leave family, friends and too many stuff behind but for sure it's worth it.  I just wanted to say that 

These days my boyfriend and I talked a lot about what we wanna do, he is coming again for Christmas and he wants me to go back with him to London, so i need to apply for the fiance visa

I dont know... I'm still feeling a bit afraid about it, will they be interested in my finances? I have to say here (and it's really embarrasing ) that they're not very good lately, i am on a temp job and my wages are not good at all, i am worried about that. My boyfriend has a good job and a really decent wage, he has around £5,500 in savings, he is living at his parent house because of some family issues, but his parents are willing to let us stay there until we find our own place. I am really worried that because of my financial situation my visa could be denied 
Do you think it would be better to get married and then apply for the spousal visa? For some reason I like this idea the most, but maybe is just me...

I am sorry if something of what i wrote just make no sense, but i am freaking out already and I am about to have a heart attack, so any advice would be much appreciated :\\\'(

Yes, they'll be somewhat interested in your finances, but they will mostly be looking at your combined ability to support you for up to six months without you being able to work.  It may be that living with his parents would help in this respect as I assume they will be covering your living expenses.  What you will need to do is get written permission from them that you can stay there, as well as permission from the landlord, if they are renting, and a copy of their lease/mortgage for the visa application.  Really, you shouldn't have any problem if he is making a decent wage and his parents say they'll help support you.

I'm with Lola on this one tho....love is great and I do understand the sentiment of just wanting to be with your boyfriend no matter where he is but the reality is that London can be a hard place to live and the differences in life here will overshadow even the greatest of loves if you don't have at least a little bit of a picture of what it will be like here. 

I visited my now husband for a month before moving over to get married and yet I still had a big culture shock and went through a very long adjustment period when I moved.  (Heck, I'm *still* adjusting, truth be know, three and a half years on!)

The smart thing to do is to make sure you can stand it here first....so the finacee visa is a wise choice if you don't want to go the visitor's visa route.  If you haven't been here for any amount of time, I would not advise getting married and them coming over on a spousal visa. 

I do wish you luck in your new life, though! 

iminlove,

Immigration here is going to be far more concerned about whether he can support you (with all the appropriate documentation) than about what you make in the States. Look at it this way--what you make in the States, as a temp, isn't of interest to the government here as far as your ability to support yourself HERE goes.

But that aside, what lola wrote makes a lot of sense. Everyone here has felt that head-over-heels rush of love, when you think you know that living overseas will be a big deal, but don't care. But what she wrote was spot on: visiting here is a lot different from living here. Visiting here (and his visiting you in the States) is much like a prolonged vacation--you have the excitement of being in a new country, with a new love, and taking that all in. But once you get married, you need to be aware that the day-to-day mundane things in life in the UK are no different from those in the States--in other words, when you get over the infatuation phase of being in love, you'll have the same relationship realities--except you'll be thousands of miles away from the people you normally turn to for friendship, support, etc.

So please think this out carefully. You're on Cloud 9 right now, and that's a great feeling. But if you can, look at what you've written as an objective person (stranger) or even just partially objective person (good friend) would look at it, in other words, as if someone else wrote it: How would you advise you?

I'm not trying to be a downer, whatsoever. But you need to look at a couple of other practical angles. You're doing temp work in the States. If you haven't found a permanent job there, you're in for a big challenge here. Some of the people on here don't have jobs, but they're also bringing up children. But others either have no kids, or their kids have grown up and gone. And a lot of people in THAT position have asked me to look their resumes over, etc., and found it very hard to find a decent job here, period, much less one that pays well. In my case, I freelance, and I had set (and now continuing) clients in the States, so looking for a job here has never been an issue. But are you prepared to be 100 percent dependent on your husband (emotionally, financially, etc.? That's a bad position to be in with ANYone, much less with someone abroad.

Anyway, I just wanted to point out some things you should be acutely aware of before you make the big leap...

Suzanne

P.S. I'm usually the intuitive, completely impractical type. But every once in a while, I take a reality check/get a wakeup call.

I've gotta agree with Wishstar and Suzanne.  Iminlove, you MUST spend some time in the UK before you decide to live here permanently.  Getting married and heading on over is just setting yourself up for a huge fall.  I really would advise you to either come over for a while on a visitor's visa or apply for a fiancee visa and live here a couple of months before you get married.

We've all been in your situation and we all know what it's like to let your heart rule your head.  But, at this point, you really need to be practical and, dare I say it, looking out for your own interests.  Think about what you're considering doing:

1.  getting married -- a huge step in and of itself!

2.  moving to a country you've only spent 5 days in -- you aren't prepared for the sense of isolation and helplessness you'll experience when you try to figure out how to do things for yourself

3.  giving up your independence -- you will be financially and emotionally dependent on your boyfriend/fiance/husband for an extended period of time

4.  giving up your friends and family (are they supportive of your plans?)

5.  moving in with your boyfriend's parents and giving up your privacy (look around for other posts by people who have done this---it's difficult, to say the least!)

Ultimately, what you do is your decision, of course, but I hope that you'll analyse how your actions will affect your quality of life over here.  I know it's difficult to be apart from the one that you love, but it's not as difficult as being stuck in your husband's parents' house in the dead of winter while he's at work all day, not being able to get out and do things because a) you can't afford to because you're relying on your husband's income until you can work (or until you find a decent job) and b) because you don't know HOW to get places or WHERE places are in the first place because you haven't been out and about by yourself much.

Hi,

I just noticed this thread and thought I might share my perspective. I am the Brit half of a US/UK marriage. IF what you say about yourself is accurate then by the consensus so far here I was very reckless!!

Here's the short version.

Jen and I met online in December 2001, talked for hours every day at first via instant messaging and then by netmeeting with webcams (we both had broadband, it really helps with webcams.) I flew over in march 02 for 8 days for our first meeting. I flew back over in April 02 for 15 days. My third trip was for 6 days at the very end of June. We drove to Chicago to go get Jen her entry visa, we celebrated July 4th with her family and both flew back here on July 5th. We married on July 10th 2002. We are still Married. We knew we didn't want to be apart and that getting married was the only way to be together in the same country. It was not an easy decision as we both hold marriage to be sacred and not a means to an end. I never felt as good about anything in my life as I did on the day that I married Jen at Gretna Green. It just felt right. We have worked very hard to make our life together work. Jen got so homesick that I wondered if she'd come back from our first trip over to the states at thanksgiving 02. Holidays are still hard for us, even after 2 and a half years here. Even now there are those "I hate this f***ing country" days.

Be warned, if you do decide to come and live here in the UK it will be tough. The first 6 months for Jen were hell for her. It's ok to be reckless and follow your heart. Just be prepared for some heartache along the way, as you make the move to a new life and new country. You are not giving up on your family and friends back home, good friends will support you and family will be able to visit, call, email, or write.

If you do decide to come here then really research the ins and outs of the visa process. Go together to the consulate, it helps to have mutual support on such a stressful day.

The advice given so far here is really good advice. If you decide to come here to live you will have access to all this advice.  Expats are really supportive of each other and are alwas here to offer help and advice.

Kel.

Let me clarify that I'm not saying that all relationships where the parties have only been together for a short time will always fail.  My husband and I probably only spent about 2 months (of our four years of dating) actually IN each others' presence before we were married, but I have to say that 2 months is more time to actually get the feel of a country....I can't imagine how I would have reacted to moving here after only 5 days!

I'm just saying that it's best to give yourselves the firmest foundation possible before embarking on marriage + international move + visa process + living with parents.  In my opinion, spending more time in the UK before you make the decision to live here is part of building that foundation.

I had visited the UK for a total of 20 days (10 days in 2000 and 10 days in 2001) when I decided to move here in 2002. That isn't much time!! I'm not sure any amount of visiting can prepare you for what it is like to live here, but it is definitely a good idea to research the realities of life here, so you can at least be prepared in your head for the differences.  Talk to British people (not just your boyfriend) online and do some reading about health care, housing, taxes, commuting, the costs of groceries, the way the school system and university system work, the job market, driving, simply everything. That doesn't really prepare you, but it is infinitely better than coming over with the vague idea that we're pretty much the same. The truth of the matter is, we are not!! Never forget that you are moving to a foreign country, and you will go through a natural period of adjustment that usually involves 3-6 months of stunned helplessness and the queasy feeling that you're in the Twilight Zone where nothing works right---you can't even get the freakin toilet to flush!!

Well, I've rambled as usual, so I'll just say, good luck to you and DON'T be surprised or feel like a failure when you go through that constant feeling of 'Oh my God what have I done and how soon can I get back home!!'  It does get better.

I landed in Gatwick in June 2001 and knew I'd come home.  I could have stayed here on that trip had it been feasible.

Sometimes, you do just know.

But then again, I haven't had one day of "homesickness" or feelings of isolation or desperate missing of US friends/family and I've been here for 2 years.

Works out better for some than for others.

Thank you very much for all your posts, it was a bit hard to read them, but maybe because im too sensitive about it at the moment...  :\\\'(
I do appreciate what you all say, thats why asked for advise, its nice to have a real perspective of things.

Peedal...  thank you 

I'll just add my two cents: I came over a little more than a year ago having been here to visit maybe 8 times in my life and never for more than about 2.5 weeks at a time. I've NEVER regretted it and never wanted to go home. But I will say that there were some pretty bleak days last winter when it was freezing cold, pissing down rain, and pitch black when I got up at 8 and when I came home from classes at 4. I didn't have any friends, no car, and was completely self-conscious about being American. But it's home now and I wouldn't trade it for anything.