Issues with husband's son

The sad part is that my DH actually makes me feel very guilty about the whole situation. He goes on about how the son has "had a lot of changes" since the divorce. From my view, he's had minimal changes, and most of them have been rather positive.  It is the only thing DH and I argue about. He simply does not understand how his son's actions hurt my feelings, make me angry and make me feel used and isolated in my own home.

I have a question.

You state that you feel isolated & used in your 'own home'...did you move into the existing home that your husband shared with his son & former wife or did you (as a family) move into a new residence?

If you moved into your husbands home, take a step back and place yourself in your step-son's shoes...you're the invader, he may see you as the one who broke up his parents (even though you probably had nothing to do with it) and he may see you as the enemy and that could be where some of this behavior is coming from.

Just being devils advocate and asking you to put yourself in his shoes...your husband probably just wants everyone to be happy and get along -- he's in the middle. He loves you (or he wouldn't have married you) and he loves his son (for a lot longer than he's known you) -- it sounds like you want him to be on your side -- perhaps you need to realise there is no 'side' and as a family you're in it together.

Maybe you need to go out with the young man (he's not a boy and he is definitely not a child anymore) just the two of you for coffee or someting and come to some sort of truce -- if he does x for you, you'll do x for him & so on...

Anyway, just my 2p.

Thanks WebyJ for your reply.

No, I didn't move into the family home. He and his ex-wife sold their former home and she moved elsewhere. My DH and I picked the house out together. He and his son did move into it long before I did though (I was visiting back and forth for more than a year).  Even so, I'm sure his son does think of me as an intruder.

I forgot to mention that 3x in the past year I've sat down with his son, just he and I and spoke to him very kindly. I said I understood if he felt uncomfortable, because I did too, in a strange country. I said I was not there to replace his mom, and that I hoped we could be friends. I told him he didn't have to feel shy or awkward around me, that he could come to me with whatever if his father wasn't available, etc. He nodded throughout these conversations, but didn't say a word.

I often buy him little treats when I go shopping, not to "kiss ass", but just to be pleasant, and to open a topic of conversation. I tell him funny things that happen to me in town. They are met with blank stares, and then he'll walk out of the room (which he does often when I try to talk to him).  I try to include him in everything. A couple times we all played on the Wii, and that went well, but there's only so much of that that DH and I can do. I've asked him to go to restaurants and movies, bowling, shopping, miniature golf, weekends on the coast - he says no to everything.

Yes, I'm sure my husband feels torn and yes, I do wish he'd take "my side" at times.  I think we can all relate to feeling a bit lonely when we move here. At the moment, I have DH and basically no one else. So it feels especially hurtful sometimes to be the "outsider".

I guess I sound rather whiny. Some days are much better than others.  Thank you for listening and for your 2p!

I will attempt to get him to go somewhere with me and see if another talk helps.

I will attempt to get him to go somewhere with me and see if another talk helps.

Personally I would try to go somewhere with him but skip another talk. Just get to know each other and enjoy yourselves.

I just think you are trying the impossible....to get inside the mind of a 19 year old kid. Scientists have studied these things.....they’ve put brain scanner hats on teenage boys and hooked them up to  monitors and the screen looks like the 4th of July.

My work mate has three teen boys and he tells me all kinds of stuff all the time....the weird smells from the room....the hidden plates.....the waking early for work to find they have been playing xbox all night....underwear hanging from light fixtures...one wants to be a dub step DJ.

Fights....brawls....raiding of wine and food. No showers.....too long showers. Drunkeness....puking....smoking...girls....

They had a camp out in the back garden last autumn and the remnants of tents and crap are still out there like the aftermath of a festival or something.

The middle one left his email open and step mom sees it....sees that he refers to her as “the b*tch” when talking to his mother. During the ensuing argument, my friend, at a breaking point, picks up a chair and smashes it down like the hulk and breaks his own toe.  The end result after hours of turmoil, he ends up sleeping in the car during the snow storm with his injured foot pressed against the numbing windscreen.

To me it's hysterical....but I have a 12 year old daughter, and apparently I may be in for a few dicey years/decades. 

I do not have any children. My husband has one son, who lives with us. His mother has contributed nothing to his care since the divorce, except for Christmas and birthday presents.  She sees her son about 1x month.

My DH and I are newly married, and the only time an argument arises, it is because of his son.  I was raised very differently. We did chores, respected our elders, had to participate in family events, had to eat dinner with the family, etc.

His son calls the shots, and my DH lets him. His son does nothing, absolutely and completely nothing, as far as chores go. He doesn't even clear his own dinner plate. He won't carry his clean clothes up the stairs. He has never, ever, washed a plate, wiped a table, picked up fuzz from the carpet. He never, ever makes his bed. His room is filthy 24 hours a day. He won't help carry in the shopping. He won't wipe his feet. He will only bathe 1x or 2x a week, and only when reminded. He rarely brushes his teeth.

He requires a separate meal every single night because  there are only about 5 things that he will eat. Meat has to be cut for him. Potatoes must be buttered for him. If there is a gram more butter than he is used to on his potato, he'll either rudely complain, or won't eat it at all. He is emaciated. My DH gets all upset because the kid won't eat.  Anything that he likes is the most expensive things you can buy. All of the dinners I prepare for him are "not good" (I am a VERY good cook).

He rarely talks, to me, his father, neighbors, friends. He claims he is "painfully shy". Personally, I think he is "painfully rude". I was very shy as a child, and still managed to talk to adults when I had to.  He has never once, in a whole year, called me by name.   When he *does* talk, it is usually in a very rude and condescending manner. I have tried to win him over in every way I can think, until I realized he is this way with everyone. He expects everyone in his life to cater to his every whim and desire, to serve him and do his bidding.

My DH told me that when his son was very young, his son's mother would give him candy for dinner, and let him do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, because she didn't want to discipline him, didn't want her child to be "mad" at her.  My DH worked long hours and his ex did most of the day to day care until his son was about 5. Last Christmas she gave him, I kd you not, 40lbs. of candy. My DH spoils him in ways that would blow most people's mind.

I don't know why I am posting all this. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I am starting to feel resentful against this unbelievabley lazy, spoiled brat!

I must admit, I do wonder why you "care" about some of these things if he smells, who cares? Let him stink if he wants to, he'll soon realise that girls (or guys) will avoid him like the plague, if his room is a mess, let it be a mess, my room as a teenager was DISGUSTING. Like absolutely foul pit of death. Cups growing mouldy, clothes in a huge pile about 3 foot high, it constantly smelled of oil paint and turrpentine (I was painting a lot in those days), piles of make up and CDs all over the place, and whatever random hobby I was into at that point. My mum would try and argue with me about it, and my response was always the same. "If you don't like it, don't go in there".

I must admit I never didn't wash or shower though, I was very clean on my person, but everything else was atrocious. It's like your "time" to be a bit stupid and selfish. I grew out of it really quickly and now I'm quite tidy, but I enjoyed those years of being a bit of a slob.

My mum would go in every now and then and get all the plates and bring them to the kitchen and make me wash them, which I would complain about. I'd complain about hoovering, about pretty much everything. I'd sleep until 2pm in the afternoon.
I'd be out all night, I wouldn't call.

None of this has done me any long term damage, I'm a normal, healthy, married person who graduated uni and got a good job, yeah I'm sure it was annoying and frustrating, and I feel kinda sorry for it now, but at the time I thought it was totally reasonable. It's just being a teenager I think, and I know that loads of people are going to go on about how respectful and fantastic they were as teens, but you know what, I wasn't half as bad as some teens and it doesn't sound like your boy is either, he's not taking heroin, he's not violent towards you, he's not stealing, he's not a rapist, he's going to uni.  He's just sullen, lazy and slovenly. He could be much MUCH worse.

On the flip side, the not calling you by the name, and the food stuff is ridiculous and that is something your husband should be dealing with, he's 19, not 9, he wont starve himself to death, if your food isn't good enough for him, let him make his own. Just don't react to it. If your husband wants to run around getting amazing food for him so he's not hungry, let him,  but don't rise to it, and don't enter into a dialogue about it with him, let your husband deal with it, go eat your dinner in peace.
If you do need to say anything just say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is what I've cooked, if you don't want to eat it, you're welcome to cook something else"

If he expects to cater to your every whim and desire, then just don't. If he wants his washing done, don't do it, let him wear dirty clothes. If he wont bring his stuff upstairs then don't bring it up for him.  Yes it will mean your house is messier, but maybe that trade off is worth it, because you wont be as stressed, maybe make the house less of your "job" and somewhere you just live. Have you thought about doing some free online language courses or something?


P.S, I'm now 28 years old and I've still never made my bed. I don't understand why people bother 

I only ever made my bed in boot camp and even then I wasn't tht good at it.

P.S, I'm now 28 years old and I've still never made my bed. I don't understand why people bother 

Me neither! It's just going to get messy again when you go to bed at night, so it seems a waste of time. (With the possible exception that a made bed might be less prone to be covered by my cat's hair than an unmade one, but I wouldn't put it past him to burrow under the covers either!)

I was a model teenager, in that apparently my "rebellion" consisted of "refusing" to empty the dishwasher one week (I forgot). I didn't have a curfew (because I only went to the barn, the library, or home), I didn't drink until I was 19 (assuming a wine cooler counts, and I didn't like that so I still don't drink ), got along with my parents, etc.

My room was a mess, though (not stinky messy, just "can't be bothered to put away laundry or make my bed" messy), and I'm sure I had self-involved teenaged angsty moments. Some of what you've described sounds like typical teenager laziness/slovenliness, and some of it does sound rude.

I'm messier now than when I was a teenager. More time to clean then I guess  
My house would probably make most of you want to cry.
The one thing I do though everyday is make my bed!  There's just something really nice about uncrumpled sheets and fluffy pillows!  I'm pretty strange I guess!

There's just something really nice about uncrumpled sheets and fluffy pillows!  I'm pretty strange I guess!

I do like freshly changed sheets and a crisp/clean bed. But there's no way I'd change my sheets every day, and if the sheets aren't fresh from the laundry I don't bother making the bed.

<<I must admit, I do wonder why you "care" about some of these things if he smells, who cares? Let him stink if he wants to, he'll soon realise that girls (or guys) will avoid him like the plague, if his room is a mess, let it be a mess, my room as a teenager was DISGUSTING. Like absolutely foul pit of death. Cups growing mouldy, clothes in a huge pile about 3 foot high, it constantly smelled of oil paint and turrpentine (I was painting a lot in those days), piles of make up and CDs all over the place, and whatever random hobby I was into at that point. My mum would try and argue with me about it, and my response was always the same. "If you don't like it, don't go in there". >>

LOL  I care because I want a (relatively) clean house. I was raised in spic-and-span hell. You could eat off floor. Now my Mom would think my house was not up to HER standards, and indeed it isn't, and I don't care, but I would like it up to MINE, which is, as I've said, "relatively clean".  If I ever did what you did, I would have been grounded for a year (no lie), or thrown out of the house. My husband is also very neat and clean and it stresses him to see his son's room. Unfortunately we DO have to go in there, because the shower is in his bedroom (our bathroom just has a tub, no shower).  The storage area is also up there. (His son has the entire 3rd floor.)

What's more, regarding him not showering and why I care: his uncle is every bit the slob he is. His uncle (who is 53) has never had a steady girlfriend or been married, doesn't have kids or friends, and nobody sets foot in his apartment without a hazmat suit on. His uncle is very lonely. I just think this should be nipped in the bud with his son lest he live the same lonely life as his uncle.

Sonofasailor  - well that made me feel a bit better, honestly.  Perhaps there is a reason why I was never able to have children. ;/

I guess I was just raised so differently. If I would have said some of the things his son says to my DH to my own father, I would have gotten a slap across the mouth.  Of course that isn't right, and the total opposite of the spectrum, but maybe is a clue to how odd I think this all is.

Someone mentioned boot camp. That is the way my parents' house was run. We had chores every single day, still managed to get good marks in school, went to uni, were involved in sports and music and other clubs, attended family functions, etc.  His son acts like going to school is all he accomplish in one day. Of course we didn't have our own phones, TVs, game consoles or the internet to distract us.

Sheesh I'm sounding old.

P.S. Make your beds, people! LOL!

LOL  I care because I want a (relatively) clean house. I was raised in spic-and-span hell. You could eat off floor. Now my Mom would think my house was not up to HER standards, and indeed it isn't, and I don't care, but I would like it up to MINE, which is, as I've said, "relatively clean".  If I ever did what you did, I would have been grounded for a year (no lie), or thrown out of the house. My husband is also very neat and clean and it stresses him to see his son's room. Unfortunately we DO have to go in there, because the shower is in his bedroom (our bathroom just has a tub, no shower).  The storage area is also up there. (His son has the entire 3rd floor.)

What's more, regarding him not showering and why I care: his uncle is every bit the slob he is. His uncle (who is 53) has never had a steady girlfriend or been married, doesn't have kids or friends, and nobody sets foot in his apartment without a hazmat suit on. His uncle is very lonely. I just think this should be nipped in the bud with his son lest he live the same lonely life as his uncle.

Sonofasailor  - well that made me feel a bit better, honestly.  Perhaps there is a reason why I was never able to have children. ;/

I guess I was just raised so differently. If I would have said some of the things his son says to my DH to my own father, I would have gotten a slap across the mouth.  Of course that isn't right, and the total opposite of the spectrum, but maybe is a clue to how odd I think this all is.

Someone mentioned boot camp. That is the way my parents' house was run. We had chores every single day, still managed to get good marks in school, went to uni, were involved in sports and music and other clubs, attended family functions, etc.  His son acts like going to school is all he accomplish in one day. Of course we didn't have our own phones, TVs, game consoles or the internet to distract us.

Sheesh I'm sounding old.

P.S. Make your beds, people! LOL!

And I'm married with hundreds of friends and an amazing career, teenage laziness doesn't mean the end of your life, it doesn't turn you into a loser forever it can be very temporary and if it does it's HIS LIFE surely? He's old enough to make his own decisions about what he wants to do/be/how often he wants to wash. Again, I don't see why it's your business really, aside from having a smelly kid around teh house is annoying. My brother was also pretty slovenly and played a lot of video games rather than going out, he's the most popular person I've ever known now and his girlfriend is gorgeous, people grow out of that kind of thing or they don't. Their choice as adults.

Honestly I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for this kid, he was living there first, with your husband and you've mentioned that your upbringing and standards aren't in line with what he's been used to for the last 19 years. You've referred to your upbringing as spick and span hell, don't you see you're doing a similar thing, yes your expectations are lower, however, he is used to much less expectations and cleaning, so to him your standards are spick and span hell, in the same way your mother's were to you. 
That's not his fault, that is your husband's. No matter what his wife was doing whilst he was working, he's still the kid's father.

The rudeness I don't condone at all nor the food thing, but I just wouldn't engage with him in this and I would expect his father to discipline him appropriately if he was rude, however having a messy bedroom as a teenager seems like one of the most natural thing in the world, it wouldn't surprise me if that's his way of rebelling against a new regime, you mentioned before that he's never picked fluff off the carpet. If you asked me to pick fluff off the carpet, I'd look at you like you were mad.

Yes, you have to go up there for the shower and storage, those are things that would have driven me mad as a teenager, when privacy were hugely important to me, if my mother dared to get mouldy cups out of my room, I would be really annoyed, it was my space, and surely these are only short periods of time when you're up there. I think it would be reasonable to expect him to keep the shower clean, but his room? I think he should be allowed to keep it however he wants.

No, I'm not going to make my bed, because I'm old enough to have made the decision that I think it's pointless and a waste of time. If the thought of that stresses people out, or makes them think less of me, that's really their problem, not mine

He hasn't lived like this for 19 years, only the past few. His parents didn't allow him to have such a messy room growing up, but I guess as he is now 19, my DH's control over him is much less.

His and his uncle's lot is due far more to the antisocial behavior. The room is only one part of the problem, and I won't dwell on it any longer.

I certainly don't think 'less' of anyone for not making their bed, (my comment was just a joke), or for setting their own standards for how they want their house to be.  The house is only 3 years old and he has already ruined his carpet, broke two fixtures in the bathroom, and caused a leak into the downstairs bathroom. People are raised differently, and neither is "right" or "wrong".  But I do think I should have some say in the standards of a house that I helped choose, pay for and maintain.

I agree with Fallgal.  It is her and her husband's home, and if her son chooses to live in it, then he should be expected to give them some respect and maintain a certain level of cleanliness, particularly if he is causing damage to the house.  It's all about what your level of tolerance is.  Some people can put up with a family member's room being a sty, some can't.  I surely couldn't.

Sonofasailor  - well that made me feel a bit better, honestly.  

You know at the end of the day....that's what I'm here for

I try and not look back at my mistakes...I am the chief of all sinners really...a wretch as we all are, but whatever I did led me to my wife and then my daughter and if I had a time machine I might skrew up the continuum if I went back and messed around with things and not end up with them...

but if I could I would have been nicer to mom.

Things change, and one day you guys may end up as friends.

I guess in the grand scheme of things I'd rather try and compromise with an adult living WITH me (I dispute that it's just Her & Her husband's home, it's his as well, her Husband is his father, they are three adults living together), especially if I'm not contributing towards the household costs.

If that compromise is "have a messy room, but you need to stack the dishwasher" then I think that's pretty acceptable, and I'd rather try and make it, then force my set of values on someone who obviously doesn't agree with them.

Also in the grand scheme of things, a messy, bit smelly teenager who is a bit angsty/rude is quite low on the scale of potential traumas in my opinion and I'd be willing to cut him some slack on cleanliness.
At the end of the day he's not out stabbing people or raping old ladies, he's at University, he's not out all night taking heroin, he's not scary or violent, he's not self harming or anorexic, he's not impregnated a girl, he's not an alcoholic, he's not a thief.

You say the crux of the problem is that your DH doesn't have a problem with your son being "a spoiled brat" firstly I think that's a terrible thing to say about the kid and secondly, that's a problem with your DH not your step son.

and secondly that "I told my DH that I have no problem doing all the housework, but even DH helps often." That obviously doesn't seem to be true and "It is the only thing DH and I argue about. He simply does not understand how his son's actions hurt my feelings, make me angry and make me feel used and isolated in my own home." which again is a problem with your DH not with your Stepson, and I think your stepson is probably feeling pretty angry and isolated in HIS own home as well as evidenced by the phrase "As soon as the son comes home from uni, the atmosphere changes. It is awkward. The only good part on that end is that he spends most of his time in his room." 
I'm sure he'd rather spend some time with his Dad, but if  he's getting the vibe that he's unwanted and ruining things between you, no wonder he's like the way he is. You're the adult, why not try and see things from his point of view "The sad part is that my DH actually makes me feel very guilty about the whole situation. He goes on about how the son has "had a lot of changes" since the divorce."  Just because YOU think these changes are positive, doesn't mean the kid does, sounds like he has had a lot of changes he's not had much time to get used to, so he's lashing out in the only way he can, passive aggressively.