I want to move to the UK, but husband doesn't.

Hello!

This issue of mine is probably something I should talk about with a marriage therapist, however I'm wondering if perhaps someone here in the forum has had to deal with this type of situation...

My UKC spouse and I have been together for over a decade. We met and married in the U.S. (I'm a USC).

My problem is that my husband -- though he will never admit it for some reason -- does not like to visit the UK. He claims it's the money, but that just isn't true. We could afford the trip every couple years, but we've only been once in 10 years! I've told my husband that I'd like to visit the UK more often, but it just doesn't happen.  We have a very comfortable life here in the U.S., so I shouldn't complain...( I know that's what he thinks at least).

And yet, I really want to relocate to the UK -- or at least visit! Again, although the husband would never admit it, I think he just simply prefers life here in the U.S.
We have children and one major reason I'd like to move is my husband has more relatives than we do here. We have NO family support in the U.S....  (I have a list of other reasons).

I'm at the point where I'm thinking of planning to take the children for an extended vacation (3 or 4 months - with their father's permission) in the U.K. Of course the husband is in charge of the purse strings, so this first means finding myself an income to pay for it!

Anyway, am I being unreasonable? My husband has always made me feel this way. In fact, recently I've started to wonder if he married me so that he could live in the U.S. He of course would deny that, but gee whiz, I think it's unfair.

Am I pathetic, or what?

It sounds like your problems run much deeper than living in the UK. Uprooting your kids from the only live they've known and moving to another country is a major life change, and you really both have to be on board if you want to succeed.  I think you are right; you need to speak with a counselor or therapist to determine what's really going on in your relationship.

Thank you, Geeta. So true -- we would both definitely have to be committed to making the move a success and that just isn't going to happen. But you'd think the husband would understand that we should at least visit more often. This marriage is all very one-sided.

The truth is, we're married now only because of the children. I make the most of things and try to "keep calm and carry on" but I feel resentful that my husband has been kind of selfish in this regard...

I think my goal will be to become financially independent again and start making choices for myself, since my husband is clearly not interested in being fair. I feel so controlled. (All my fault I realize because I got myself into this situation).

Yep, I need a therapist alright! 

I could be wrong, but it sounds like there is something more than money keeping him away. Does he get on with his family? Could there be skeletons in the closet?

Sorry wish I had some advice, my husband has lived in the states for 13 years and when we first met (8 years ago) he always said from day 1 he did not want to move back.  He missed his family, but he felt there was better opportunities here.  Well, then the economy tanked, we have kids now (married nearly 7 years), so last year he finally brought it up and we decided together it was the best decision to move, took us a year to get things in place.  I never even thought about it before because he always said he didnt want to.  I am pretty laid back and happy just about anywhere, but like you I am thrilled at the prospect of raising our kids closer to family as we have none here.  Would it be possible for you to move somewhere within the US that would be a better compromise?  Do you have family or close friends somewhere in US that you could move closer to, if you can find jobs, etc? 

Big, big hugs to you. I have to agree, it does sound like things may be running deeper than it just being a case of him not wanting to go, given what you have said about him controlling the money, him not wanting to be fair, and admitting you are only together now because of the kids. If you can get him into couples' counselling, I'd say go for it.

On the other hand, some of it could simply be that he just doesn't want to live in the UK. That doesn't explain not wanting to visit, but some people are just happier in the 'other country'. Hubby lived in the US the first 4 1/2 years we were married, then wanted to come back here. Now, after 3 years of being 'home', he has had enough of home, so we are headed back.

I wish I had some good advice, but just know I am thinking of you and your family, hoping for the best.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like there is something more than money keeping him away. Does he get on with his family? Could there be skeletons in the closet?

Courtney,

I know and I can't figure him out even after ten years! (And I like to think I have a knack for rooting out secrets).

We talk with his parents regularly (though he leaves that mostly to me), but they seem to be on good terms. My husband's mother divorced his biological father when he was young and I think my husband has some issues around that. But again, he speaks with his mother and step-dad on the phone. My husband lived with his parents in the UK before moving in with me here in the U.S., so I don't think their relationship is toxic or anything like that, just not particularly close.

My husband has adapted to life in the U.S. remarkably well. I don't think he has even once complained about the differences he has encountered since moving here.

Now that I think about it, my husband has kind of realized his American Dream. He went from living with his parents and working a low-paying job in the UK to owning a home in one of the most affluent parts of the country, earning 100k +, marrying a delightful woman(OK, this is open for debate), and starting a family of his own.

My husband works extremely hard and I'm really in awe of his ambition. My sense is that he sees no point in visiting the UK, even though I tell him often *I* like to visit and it's a good experience for our children for them to meet their grandparents, and so on. My husband is not a very social person and has never once expressed any feelings of homesickness. He's as nice as pie if you meet him (unless someone crosses him, then he goes all hardcore geezer on 'em).

My husband lived his early years in the East End of London and from what I understand it was a harsh life. One thing he has shared is how life here is much more "gentle". My guess is he just prefers life here for our children. He also seems to like the warmer weather (which I don't!). I can understand that he doesn't want to go to the UK (though I wish he would just be straightforward about it instead of making excuses), but a marriage is a partnership and I feel he should at least try to meet me halfway once in awhile.

Sorry wish I had some advice, my husband has lived in the states for 13 years and when we first met (8 years ago) he always said from day 1 he did not want to move back.  He missed his family, but he felt there was better opportunities here.  Well, then the economy tanked, we have kids now (married nearly 7 years), so last year he finally brought it up and we decided together it was the best decision to move, took us a year to get things in place.  I never even thought about it before because he always said he didnt want to.  I am pretty laid back and happy just about anywhere, but like you I am thrilled at the prospect of raising our kids closer to family as we have none here.  Would it be possible for you to move somewhere within the US that would be a better compromise?  Do you have family or close friends somewhere in US that you could move closer to, if you can find jobs, etc? 

Thanks for sharing your experience, Geordiewife. Best of luck to you in the big move. That's wonderful that you are happy about the move.

I've always lived in the same State -- no family any place except for one sister and we are not close at all, unfortunately. I can't imagine moving any place else in the U.S. (though I think my husband would like to explore the States).

Once again, best of luck. I look forward to reading about the move if you post about it here.

Big, big hugs to you. I have to agree, it does sound like things may be running deeper than it just being a case of him not wanting to go, given what you have said about him controlling the money, him not wanting to be fair, and admitting you are only together now because of the kids. If you can get him into couples' counselling, I'd say go for it.

On the other hand, some of it could simply be that he just doesn't want to live in the UK. That doesn't explain not wanting to visit, but some people are just happier in the 'other country'. Hubby lived in the US the first 4 1/2 years we were married, then wanted to come back here. Now, after 3 years of being 'home', he has had enough of home, so we are headed back.

I wish I had some good advice, but just know I am thinking of you and your family, hoping for the best.

Thank you, TamaMoo! We tried counseling once, but it didn't do a whole lot of good. My husband is so focused on making money and is not at all interested in "working" on our relationship. We are compatible in some ways, however emotionally we are like night and day. (I have emotions, he doesn't!) It's as if it is physically painful for him to talk about our relationship and it invariably ends up with him yelling.

I do think it is probably as simple as he prefers the U.S. Lucky him!

Wow, that's quite the experience for you moving from the U.S. to the U.K. and now back again! Is there anything in particular about being home that your husband is unhappy with?

I think I just REALLY need a vacation -- a loooong vacation. My husband is work, work, work (and then spends his free time with our children, which is great), however we have never done anything together. There's 0 romance, 0 communication... I need to get some of my autonomy back or else I can see myself growing old and miserable with tons of regrets. I made the mistake of leaving my career when we had children and now my husband's the one with the stellar resume and I am completely dependent on him. Not a good situation.

Thank you kindly for listening and giving me lots of good feedback. It is very much appreciated. 

OMG I had written a big response and it logged me out so I lost it!   

In summary, is he not willing to let you go on your own with the kids?  Maybe his parents could pay for half if it was too expensive, or maybe you could meet somewhere in the middle like NYC for a week?  Have his parents been to visit you here?

I am really sorry to hear your posts, marriage should be a partnership and you deserve to at least be listened to and given reasons.  My marriage is far from perfect (and I certainly dont get my way all the time, lol!), but we do discuss things and try to decide together what is best for us. 

We have a few UK friends here who absolutely love it, kind of like you were saying, they love the lifestyle here and would never want to move back.  I guess to each their own.  Maybe he doesnt like to think about where he started, if it was kind of rough he doesnt want you (or the kids) to know what it was really like? 

Oh, no! I can't stand when a post gets lost like that. Thank you for taking the time to write another!

My husband's parents are in their 70's and his step-father has a heart condition and is afraid of flying (refuses to fly). I WISH someone -- anyone! -- from my husband's family would visit us here. I don't think my husband's parents have any extra money, and I don't know how I could ever ask for help (I couldn't do it, and they've never offered).

I think my husband would let us go on our own on a long vacation to the UK. I don't know how I'd get the $ out of him though, so If I'm serious about going I'll have to start making money of my own. I think that's where things are headed. I need to do this anyway. Feeling as though I'm living in a prison is just not a healthy situation.

I can't help but envy how you are able to discuss things with your spouse! That's the way it should be, a team effort.

Oh yes that would be hard if they were older and not in the best health to travel.  Does he have any siblings that could come and visit? 

I dont remember from earlier, did you say you already asked him about traveling and he said he would not pay for it if you went on your own?  If he has not said it yet, I would start there and just say look, I want the kids to see England and visit with family, if you are not going to come let's at least look at flights and see how we can make this happen.  I can't possibly imagine he would not want his own kids to see the UK? 

Well it has taken us some time, I joke that it took us a while to get our "arguing styles" in sync, I am a talker and want to discuss/get things out, he used to be more of a leave the room if he didnt want to talk about it kind of person.  So we both have compromised, I let things go sometimes instead of going on about them, he is much better about talking things out now, lol.   

I could be wrong, but it sounds like there is something more than money keeping him away. Does he get on with his family? Could there be skeletons in the closet?

I thought about this because it seems to be an aversion to the UK.  I wonder if the harsh life he had there makes even the idea of seeing it again too painful.  There is a place I formerly lived in this state, and I'd never return there due to the horrible memories.  No way do I ever want to see that place and those people again.   

There may also be some bad familial dynamics.  He may consider himself estranged from some family members.  That too can be incredibly painful and uncomfortable.  He may worry about things they may say to you and the kids, and how you would react.   

If he agrees, take that vacation.  Getting your independence back is also a good idea.  Who knows where that could lead?  He fell in love with a bright, independent woman, and it may help things. Good luck to you.     

I thought about this because it seems to be an aversion to the UK.  I wonder if the harsh life he had there makes even the idea of seeing it again too painful.  There is a place I formerly lived in this state, and I'd never return there due to the horrible memories.  No way do I ever want to see that place and those people again. 

I too thought it might be something like that. But if he doesn't like East London, there are lots of other places in the UK you could go to! What about somewhere he's never been before so you could both be tourists?

From the outside looking in to me it kind of looks like you may have put the UK on a bit of a pedestal. I understand wanting a change but I don't think that moving internationally will fix any of your problems. Your marriage will not improve if you throw in the added stress of visas and movers and settling in in a completely different world culturally than where you are now. A lot of people have trouble adjusting to the culture because we expect it to be similar, and if you have spent almost no time in the UK a sudden move could be really hard on you and your family.

I agree with some of the others, and would recommend trying counselling again. Best of luck to you.