moving back to USA I am so frightened

I am actually crying, I can't believe I have found a forum of people like me - I have felt all alone for so long. I need someone to help me PLEASE, I think I may be going crazy.

I have been begging my husband for 8/9 years to move to US & now that he has agreed I am so confused/SCARED....

Let me start from the begining. I met my British husband 12 almost 13 years ago whilst on holiday in Hawaii, a trip in which I won. I was modeling & NEVER wanted to marry. I was 21 (ah my youth, I thought I knew everything) BUT after only 4 days I knew that I loved him deeply & wanted never to be apart from him. We courted by phone, letter & vacations. After 2 years he finally asked me to marry him. Without a second thought for my beloved America, we married & I came to live in London.

I had a very difficult times making friends, most women hated me, talked about me behind my back & generally shunned me and most men wanted to be more than friends - they took my friendliness as a come-on. Luckily my husband (ex British Paratrooper) stands 6'4" and can be quite scary when he wants to, which frightened off the ones who would not take no for a answer. After a while I became wary of talking to people I didnt know, which was just the begining of my change from happy/outspoken/friendly to alienated/lonely/depressed.

I spent many years crying myself to sleep because I missed my family, most deeply my mom (my very best friend). My husband knew how much I missed her, so he bought me a computer for my birthday, so I could talk to my mom online every day, which helped a lot - but it wasnt the same.

I've spent most of my years here feeling so desperately alone (although I have a few friend who love me & have been there for me). I found this the hardest thing, the lack of acceptance, the always on the outside looking in. Whether people like to admit it or not, there is a great deal of anti-american feeling here, although the British are too "polite" to come out and say it.

My husband loves me dearly and wanted so badly for me to be happy, but maintained for many years he really wanted to live in London. He loves USA and has travelled through more of it than me, but he is a London boy born & raised. He is extemely loyal to Queen & country.

Then, tragedy struck, 6 days before my son was born, my mom (my mentor/best friend) died of a brain aneurysm (@52). Due to my 'condition, none of the airlines would not let me fly home, not even to attend my mom's funeral (& the depression really set in).

I have not been the same since. I stopped going out, I cried all the time & I wanted more than ever to go home. After my son had his shots, I travelled home for 5 weeks. My husband phoned me & I told him that I would not return to England. He begged me to come back, so we could make a decision as a family. True to his word, he finally WILLINGLY (I did not want to force him to go, I wanted him to WANT to go) agreed that USA would provide our 2 children with a better chance at life and willing agreed to move.

This is when the anxiety attacks began. I can not even begin to explain, because I don't understand it myself, but I am so scared I feel sick whenever I think about the whole 'process' of moving. I think I am desperately afraid that I will move back and I will be as foreign there as I am here. I am afraid that I won't be able to make any friends and I will be as unhappy there as I am here. I am scared to start all over again, at least here I am comfortable (unhappy yes, but it's safe). Boy, I think when all this is over I am going to need some serious therapy - hahaha.

OH PLEASE HELP ME - have I really crossed the border into insanity lane? Has anyone else felt this way?

Hi Rosy,

I'm sorry you feel so sad. Look, we Brits don't dislike Americans. Gosh, we love the fact that you're living with us, and Americans are never anything less than welcome here. Don't interpret anti-US policy with anti-US people. That really isn't how things are. We can be against our own government's policy too, and that doesn't make us anti-UK.

So, you feel sad about going back home. Yes, you would, because they say that moving home is the most stressful thing that can happen to you, apart from losing a loved one. In your case. you are going to another country, and I suppose that must be harder, even if it is your own country.

In a way, I am glad you feel sad to leave us, because you must enjoy it here now. If you don't want to leave, then tell your husband. But I'm sure you will forget those feelings a few weeks after you return.

I wish you well and if you do leave, then you will be welcome back here at any time.

Love

Lee XXX

Rosy, my heart goes out. I understand the feeling of isolation to begin with. It's taken me a while to become part of this community now. It seems Brit school girls just grow up with their friends, and keep them for life, and it's hard to break into their 'groups'. Add to that a general jealousy women feel, sprinkle bits of letching men...I really do understand.

Not being there when your mom died has got to be our greatest fear (we women, who have moved to another country, away from family). And yours was so young; it must have been such a tremendous shock.

It sounds as though you've been through even tougher times than most of the rest of us. I know sites like this have been a huge help in getting me to overcome these emotions we naturally go through. Even if we may not have all the anwsers, we're good virtual huggers. Continue to use this site all through your move. We're great listeners. And we've been through it.

So, if you have been begging to 'go back home' for so long and now it's finally happening, why are you so nervous? I can't help but think that's the most natural reaction in the world. What if it's a mistake? What if you're going back to something even worse? What if your husband hates it? What if you can't find a job, or a decent place to live? You're probably feeling that if it all goes horribly wrong, it's going to be all your fault.

Rosy, your family needs you to be happy. And you have been putting up with an awful lot of unhappiness for so many years. If this big life re-change will fix you on the inside, then everything will fall into place.

It's never easy going into an unknown. But if you approach it as an adventure, then you will do just great.

I used to get really uptight about taking trips overseas...not for anything but "have I forgot something?" Then I just figured if I ONLY had my passport and my plane ticket, everything else is just 'convenience'...easily gotten in any store if I needed it. It became really easy to just keep track of those two things...and to shrug off the other things if I did forget them.

If you can take this move in the same spirit..."I have my family, and with them I can do anything with their help"...this thought may help. They've already proven they are there for you.

Do keep writing/reading. Talk to a counselor. Share your fears with your husband. Honestly, you aren't going nuts. With what you're going through/been through...it all sounds very natural to me. And I think talking about it will help. (See, you already made that first step.)

Aw Rosy.  

Hey we're here for you chica.  I understand that after all the time and trouble you've gone through over here...it's got to be really scary heading back there.  It's hard because you start wondering if you've idealised it in your mind...what if things aren't really as great as you remember?  At the end of the day, you've spent a really long time over here...and you still miss the states.  I wish you nothing but luck.  Lisa E's really already covered everything I had to say.  I just wanted to add that if you'd like to meet up in London sometime...just spend a lil bit with another American female, just let me know when and I'll drag you around town hehe.  

wench

OMG, I can't hardly believe it, you have spoken the fears I have in my heart. The fears I have not even been able to voice, even to my beloved husband. Again with the crying, I can't seem to stop.

I feel a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders - I could never begin to tell you how much this means to me. I have been alone for so long, I feared I would never find anyone who could understand me, I honestly thought that I may be crazy.

I had a very difficult pregnancy with my 2nd child, plague with bleeding & hospital stays to stabilize me. I sat in horror as I watch the September 11th attacks unfold before me live on the news. The stress & pain caused me to go into premature labor. I rushed to the hospital & within 20 minutes of arrival they told me that if I did not have a emergency 'C' section, then my baby would die. By Grace of God my daughter was born (6 weeks early). I think I suffered very badly from pp-depression on top of the serious depression I already felt & at 1 point (I am so ashamed to say) I sat down to write my beautiful son (who was 2 years old) a goodbye letter. I think in the end, my inability to find anything to say that could justify to him what I was about to do stopped me. It was then that I decided that I truely must be insane. I finally reached out to my doctor, who gave me a course of anti-depressants to help me through the worst of it. They helped, I certainly have not felt suicidal since.

Goodness, seeing it all in print sure illustrates that I really am pathetic. It has been a daily struggle for me to try to be happy am I often don't even know exactly why I am unhappy or sad. I suppose I just chalk it up to my 'insanity' and wait for it to pass.

I can see now, just from this brief encounter, I am not crazy. I just am so desperately lonely for someone like me. Someone who can understand how I feel. It is so hard to different & unaccepted.

My husband would always say, who cares about them, I love you & if they don't want to accept you, it's their problem, to which I could only reply "I need girl friends". I know it is broken his heart to see me  so unhappy, but he was powerless to help me.

I would LOVE to meet up with you Wench, I LOVE LONDON. I promise I won't cry so much, I imagine with all the crying I have been doing since yesterday, there won't be any tears left. At least they're are tears of relief & gratitude and not of sadness.

I am a Christian and I always believed that God would not forsake me. I prayed all the time for help & guidance and without being overly dramatic, I think I may have found what I needed to help me. Usually God shows you the path, but he does not make the journey for you.

I felt exactly the same as you, when I moved over. Depressed, anxious, sad, you name it. My hubby and I got married last year and I moved to England to be with him in August, In between the wedding and the move, I went through a very 'crazy' period. We had a wedding to go to the week after ours and as hindsight is 20/20, I should not have gone. My hubby was an usher so we had to go up a few days early (it was in Niagara Falls. To this day, I can't think about that place without shuddering) I was shaking all the time, didnt want to eat, didnt want to look at my husband. I was so fried I began to doubt my love for him and I wanted out of the marriage but I couldnt stay in America because I had given up my apartment and had no where to go, felt absolutely trapped. My husband didn't know what to do with me. He wanted to hug me and all and I didnt want him near me. I was seeing a counselor and we went to see her. We sat with her for two hours while she calmed me down. I was just mentally exhausted and my body was shutting down. But I managed to calm down and move over a few days later, as planned. I still suffer, I refuse to stay in a hotel because of my episode in Canada, the worst shakes/attacks came when I tried to go to sleep the night before we left.
Anyway, Rosy, you'll have to go through another adjustment when you move back and I'm sure its going to be a little weird. Just take your time and if praying helps, then do that. Don't try to do too many things at once.

Rosy,   It is nice to meet you and it is very sad to hear how your heart is confused and scared right now...  

I have not moved to england yet...  and my family is basically all gone, yet I am starting to have anxiety attacks lately myself...  a very deep scared feeling...  but in the long run, I know I will be ok as long as I am with Tom.

I wish I could help ease your worries...  what part of states will you be moving back to?

I do not believe in doing this...  my fiance Tom is a counsellor and I never interfere with his business because I believe in everyone's need for privacy.  If you feel a need to talk to someone professionally, please check out his site that is linked to the Enduring the distance board "Denovomea.com".  He is very good and also takes a few free emails...  maybe he can help some through them.

Take Care and good luck
Shel

Hi Rosy, I promise the first time someone starts talking to you in a supermaket or shop or anywhere in public, you'll remember what it was you missed so much about America. It's the waiting that's the scariest, isn't it? But the openness and outright friendliness that you've been missing here should be like a nice soft feather bed to land on once you get home. Cheap food! Cheap clothes! More out-and-out eccentrics per capita! A giant huge nation with such geographic and ethnic diversity, not to mention cultural diversity. And everyone who's moved there from a foreign land did so for pretty much the same reason, opportunity! It's a happy thing...

I am actually crying, I can't believe I have found a forum of people like me - I have felt all alone for so long. I need someone to help me PLEASE, I think I may be going crazy.

I have been begging my husband for 8/9 years to move to US & now that he has agreed I am so confused/SCARED....

Let me start from the begining. I met my British husband 12 almost 13 years ago whilst on holiday in Hawaii, a trip in which I won. I was modeling & NEVER wanted to marry. I was 21 (ah my youth, I thought I knew everything) BUT after only 4 days I knew that I loved him deeply & wanted never to be apart from him. We courted by phone, letter & vacations. After 2 years he finally asked me to marry him. Without a second thought for my beloved America, we married & I came to live in London.

I had a very difficult times making friends, most women hated me, talked about me behind my back & generally shunned me and most men wanted to be more than friends - they took my friendliness as a come-on. Luckily my husband (ex British Paratrooper) stands 6'4" and can be quite scary when he wants to, which frightened off the ones who would not take no for a answer. After a while I became wary of talking to people I didnt know, which was just the begining of my change from happy/outspoken/friendly to alienated/lonely/depressed.

I spent many years crying myself to sleep because I missed my family, most deeply my mom (my very best friend). My husband knew how much I missed her, so he bought me a computer for my birthday, so I could talk to my mom online every day, which helped a lot - but it wasnt the same.

I've spent most of my years here feeling so desperately alone (although I have a few friend who love me & have been there for me). I found this the hardest thing, the lack of acceptance, the always on the outside looking in. Whether people like to admit it or not, there is a great deal of anti-american feeling here, although the British are too "polite" to come out and say it.

I found I had the same problems that you did. I was 16 when I moved to the UK from America (I'm 22 now) and I was really shocked at the amount of anti-american comments I had thrown at me. I still get comments now, especially in light of the recent war on Iraq, but I just ignore them and get on with life because I know that there will always been someone who has to say something. Back home the English were idolized and everyone thought London was 'the place' to be so it's been strange adjusting to this new way of life. When I moved here I had no friends, no job, I couldn't finish high school because I couldn't afford college and I wasn't eligble for a student loan/grant until I'd been here 5 years so I really had no future. My old friends back home slowly lost touch and I felt I had nothing left.

It's been 5 1/2 years now and I've managed to make a few friends, and pen pals. I admit to not being very social and I have interests that are often an acquired taste (metal & rock music, gothic fashion and maybe some controversial beliefs although I'm a strong believer in never forcing an opinion on another - each to their own) so that could be why I haven't really fit in as much as I could have, but I've got my boyfriend of 3 years, and I'm always up for making new friends through these boards. I'm also trying to get into a forensics career so hopefully that will give me a better future to look forward to.

I'm going to be visiting home for the first time since I moved and I'm a little nervous and upset myself. I lost the closest friend I had through distance so I'm worried that life will have changed too much there and that my old world will be just as foreign as England was in the beginning. So I know what you're going through and all I can say is to hang in there because sometimes things aren't as bad as we think they'll be. Alot of Americans seem to love the British so I think you and your husband will be welcomed with open arms.

Good luck for the future!