How did you tell your family..?

that you were thinking of moving to another country? How did you tell them when it was definite?

My partner and I have just started seriously talking about it. We've started our research, and we hope to be living together by this time next year. But, now I'm getting panicked. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of telling my family. They haven't met him yet, which is a lot of the problem. I've told him that, although it is an extra expense, I NEED to have him come to the states and meet my family, as otherwise they would hate him for taking me away. I need them to see first hand why I love him as much as I do.

Since my first visit in March 2012, I've been making hints to my family that I wanted to live here. I've told them how I wished that I could move here. I've told them that I've looked into work visas, and how sad I was that they weren't an option for me. I've even told them that I would, at some point, like to do a masters degree here, and that I would be living with him while I did this. They seemed okay with it at the time, but it was all talk then. I think that they thought it was all talk all along. But, now it's more than talk. Now it's... I want to start saving money for this; I want to start on the paperwork, packing, etc... I want to be here. But I'm struggling with the idea.

I don't have many friends back home. In fact, when I think of the people that I hate to leave, it's a small list: my mom, my dad, and my 9 year old niece. I don't have a lot of people that I'm close to. On the one hand, this is a good thing. On the other, I'm so very close to these 3 people that I rarely go a day without seeing them. Even now that I'm on holiday in Scotland, I'm e-mailing my parents multiple times a day. I will, of course, also miss my cats when I move... and my sugar gliders, as it seems unlikely that I can bring them (unless I quarantine them for 6 months). But, my point was, it's a small list of close people that I'll be leaving. I don't know if this is supposed to make it easier for me.. the fact that I didn't have much of a life in NY... but... I'm so terrified of leaving everyone. At the same time, I miss my partner every day that I'm away, and I want to be him more than anything.

Awww, I really feel for you.

My situation was quite different from yours so I really can't offer much advice (I was offered a job here and signed a multi-year contract but this wasn't considered a permanent move).

I do think you are absolutely right that your family needs to meet him.  Your family can see first hand how happy he makes you and feel secure in the knowledge that you are being well taken care of.

The distance away from family is really hard, and that won't get easier I'm afraid.  I used to talk to my mom nearly every night and we were able to chat about the "silly things" in life that didn't matter (what they're having for dinner, what we were up to each day, vent about people at work).  Now I talk to her on Sunday evenings.  Yes, I could pick up the phone and call her versus FaceTime, but she's at work until after I go to sleep and I don't want to interrupt her day.

I'm sure your family knows that a move is in the cards for you.  It may not be as big of a shock as you think.

But get your man to the US so that your family can get to know him before you move.

I will, of course, also miss my cats when I move... and my sugar gliders, as it seems unlikely that I can bring them (unless I quarantine them for 6 months).

You can defo bring your cats and have them home with you just hours after you land. (I'm not sure about sugar gliders, but they'd likely be subject to the same situation.) It's expensive, and coordinating the paperwork is a pain in the ars*, but I moved my idiots over, and I don't doubt their ungrateful/adorable presence has helped with the transition.

You can defo bring your cats and have them home with you just hours after you land. (I'm not sure about sugar gliders, but they'd likely be subject to the same situation.) It's expensive, and coordinating the paperwork is a pain in the ars*, but I moved my idiots over, and I don't doubt their ungrateful/adorable presence has helped with the transition.

+1

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You can defo bring your cats and have them home with you just hours after you land. (I'm not sure about sugar gliders, but they'd likely be subject to the same situation.) It's expensive, and coordinating the paperwork is a pain in the ars*, but I moved my idiots over, and I don't doubt their ungrateful/adorable presence has helped with the transition.

From what I understand about the sugar gliders... they can't be given vaccinations; they're just too small and fragile. You guys do have them here, so I can bring them... I'd just have to have them quarantined for 6 months... which isn't ideal certainly, but an option. It's something I definitely need to talk to my vet back home about when we get closer to making this really happen. Right now, we're in the prepare the family, ourselves, research information, and save up the cash stage, so that by this next year I can be with him.

Awww, I really feel for you.

My situation was quite different from yours so I really can't offer much advice (I was offered a job here and signed a multi-year contract but this wasn't considered a permanent move).

I do think you are absolutely right that your family needs to meet him.  Your family can see first hand how happy he makes you and feel secure in the knowledge that you are being well taken care of.

The distance away from family is really hard, and that won't get easier I'm afraid.  I used to talk to my mom nearly every night and we were able to chat about the "silly things" in life that didn't matter (what they're having for dinner, what we were up to each day, vent about people at work).  Now I talk to her on Sunday evenings.  Yes, I could pick up the phone and call her versus FaceTime, but she's at work until after I go to sleep and I don't want to interrupt her day.

I'm sure your family knows that a move is in the cards for you.  It may not be as big of a shock as you think.

But get your man to the US so that your family can get to know him before you move.

Thanks for the sweet reply!
I told him again today that we need to shell out the $1000 or so for a plane ticket to get him to the states to meet my parents. It might mean that we end up having to stay apart for one more month while we save up money to make up for that $1000 that we lose on the plane ticket. But, on the other hand? It will make things so much easier for me. I'll be able to move knowing that everyone back home has been able to see just how much I love him, and why, and that's incredibly important.

From what I understand about the sugar gliders... they can't be given vaccinations; they're just too small and fragile. You guys do have them here, so I can bring them... I'd just have to have them quarantined for 6 months... which isn't ideal certainly, but an option. It's something I definitely need to talk to my vet back home about when we get closer to making this really happen. Right now, we're in the prepare the family, ourselves, research information, and save up the cash stage, so that by this next year I can be with him.

Ah, I didn't know about the vaccination status of sugar gliders. Yeah, it'd be really expensive to pay the six months of quarantine boarding fees for them. Boo.

Tip on the vet: He or she must be USDA-certified to fill out the Annex II that the USDA will then approve/certify/stamp. So if none of the vets at the practise are certified, you'll need to seek one out for when the time comes.

that you were thinking of moving to another country? How did you tell them when it was definite?

My partner and I have just started seriously talking about it. We've started our research, and we hope to be living together by this time next year. But, now I'm getting panicked. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of telling my family. They haven't met him yet, which is a lot of the problem. I've told him that, although it is an extra expense, I NEED to have him come to the states and meet my family, as otherwise they would hate him for taking me away. I need them to see first hand why I love him as much as I do.

Since my first visit in March 2012, I've been making hints to my family that I wanted to live here. I've told them how I wished that I could move here. I've told them that I've looked into work visas, and how sad I was that they weren't an option for me. I've even told them that I would, at some point, like to do a masters degree here, and that I would be living with him while I did this. They seemed okay with it at the time, but it was all talk then. I think that they thought it was all talk all along. But, now it's more than talk. Now it's... I want to start saving money for this; I want to start on the paperwork, packing, etc... I want to be here. But I'm struggling with the idea.

I don't have many friends back home. In fact, when I think of the people that I hate to leave, it's a small list: my mom, my dad, and my 9 year old niece. I don't have a lot of people that I'm close to. On the one hand, this is a good thing. On the other, I'm so very close to these 3 people that I rarely go a day without seeing them. Even now that I'm on holiday in Scotland, I'm e-mailing my parents multiple times a day. I will, of course, also miss my cats when I move... and my sugar gliders, as it seems unlikely that I can bring them (unless I quarantine them for 6 months). But, my point was, it's a small list of close people that I'll be leaving. I don't know if this is supposed to make it easier for me.. the fact that I didn't have much of a life in NY... but... I'm so terrified of leaving everyone. At the same time, I miss my partner every day that I'm away, and I want to be him more than anything.

It's kinda crazy reading that, it feels like I wrote it, lol. I can totally relate to pretty much everything you said. I live in NY, I don't have much of a life here either, not too many close friends at all. My boyfriend just went home to England yesterday after a month of visiting, and it was quite pathetic how much I sobbed, I'll still probably be in a semi-depressed state for a week or two. I know he doesn't want to move to he states--hell, I don't even want to live here forever. So, it will most likely be me making the move there to be with him in the next few years.

I've spoken to my family about moving to the UK, the only one that doesn't seem to want to accept I want to eventually leave the states is my grandmother (whom I live with) although, it is easier for my family to accept since they have met my boyfriend several times and sees how happy he makes me. It will probably be easier for your family to accept once they meet your partner. I know how you feel, distance is tough!

I just arrived back from 2 weeks in Scotland. My parents took me out for dinner, as they usually do. Mid-way through, my mom said something like "I felt really sad for you last night. I know I'd be sad if I had to leave someone I loved. I think it gets to the point sometimes where it's okay to miss your parents after a certain age, but it's not okay to miss your partner. I told your father last night that one day this won't be enough for you." I kind of shrugged, and said casually... "It's hard. It sucks having to miss someone. We're looking into our options.. Right now, it looks like I will probably be the one moving, but it's not something we're doing immediately. We do want to start making steps in that direction, however." Both of my parents got very quiet, and then they changed the subject.

When we got back home, I started talking it over a bit more with my mother. She looked like she was going to cry. "You know your sister is going to cry..." (I see my sister maybe twice a year, and she lives 10 miles from me)... and "your niece is going to be really heartbroken... she'll be a mess..." (I know, she'll be a mess...and I will hate leaving her..)... "what will you do about the sugar gliders?" (I'd be sad to leave them, yes...). I told her how I was looking into a student visa, just to test the waters... how I knew I could always come home if I needed to... and how much he meant to me. She looked like she was about to cry. My father, on the other hand, isn't saying much on the subject; just "hey, then we'll get passports in a year or two when I stop working."

My mother told me that she dislikes the idea of me being that far away, but that she would never try to stop me from doing it. I told her that I really was looking into it and wanted it to happen. She understood, but the look on her face... she really looked like she was just waiting for me to leave the room so she could cry.

I feel like crying.

My mother told me that she dislikes the idea of me being that far away, but that she would never try to stop me from doing it. I told her that I really was looking into it and wanted it to happen. She understood, but the look on her face... she really looked like she was just waiting for me to leave the room so she could cry.

I feel like crying.

Oh hon.  I know exactly  how you feel and I've been married to  my UK hubs for 7 years.  My mother didn't really believe we would leave until we set a date and now I can't even talk about it with her at all because she gets all upset.  She knew it was only a matter of time, but now that we have kids it's even harder for her.  She can't imagine not seeing them all the time, and I would imagine that's part of what your mother is feeling as well: missing out on your future and that of your potential family.

The problem is: I'm moving to a foreign country and I really need her emotional support. I'm glad for you that she can empathize with your pain and seems to understand why you have to go.  We never had to be apart, except for a month at a time when I still worked and traveled some.  And that was torture.

I think it will help her a lot to know him and to know that he will be able to support you emotionally etc.  I know that helped my mother a lot when we first met.  Just getting to know him.

As for the extra $$ we just had an issue with this because we need to  make a trip over in April, which was gonna cut into our savings.  What we came up with was that it's cheapest to fly US to UK in early October, so we changed our move from summer to Fall and we will save tons of cash on tickets [it will also be better for the pets, as we are bringing our Greyhound and Evil Black Cat

Good luck, hon, and chin up.  Your Mama will come around in time.  I'm not going to promise it will be easy [and to be honest it will probably get worse], but just include her as much as she will let you and perhaps help her with a 'saving for visits' budget?

Wren

I had the EXACT same experience with my mother, passive guilt trips about grandkids and all. I mean, I'm 24, children are not in my near future.

As said before, she is way better about it now that she's met the boyfriend in person and gotten to know him a bit.  I think my mother is more hurt by the fact that I'm not a particularly attached or emotional person, so here I am all stone faced while everyone else is upset.  They've also all given me grief over not wanting to get married in the US even though we are going to live in the UK.

Hopefully things will improve with time; parents just need to figure out how to let go.  Hell, my sister moved to Africa for 2 years and my mother is still having a hard time over me.

My father shares your father's seeming indifference.  He once jokingly told me that he would just send me 10k as a gift after I eloped and that he wasn't going to visit.

I had the EXACT same experience with my mother, passive guilt trips about grandkids and all. I mean, I'm 24, children are not in my near future.

As said before, she is way better about it now that she's met the boyfriend in person and gotten to know him a bit.  I think my mother is more hurt by the fact that I'm not a particularly attached or emotional person, so here I am all stone faced while everyone else is upset.  They've also all given me grief over not wanting to get married in the US even though we are going to live in the UK.

Hopefully things will improve with time; parents just need to figure out how to let go.  Hell, my sister moved to Africa for 2 years and my mother is still having a hard time over me.

My father shares your father's seeming indifference.  He once jokingly told me that he would just send me 10k as a gift after I eloped and that he wasn't going to visit.

Your dad sounds a lot like my dad... lol. A few months back, when I first started saying that I wanted to see about getting a second degree (or even just studying for a year or so, no degree) in another country, I told him "so you'll need to get passports so you can visit me." He shrugged his shoulders, and then said... "nope. If I get a passport, I'm going somewhere warm. We'll e-mail."

Anyway, I've decided to kind of not mention things about it for awhile. My boyfriend and I did talk last night, we've basically planned out that marriage would be in our future, and that we would spend some time in Amsterdam (a one year study program for me... I'm cringing at the thought of adding more to the student loans I already own, however...), and then move to Scotland as we'd be able to qualify for the family permit. I'm not going to mention this to my parents until he visits here and meets them -- at which point, he can then do the whole "asking for your daughters hand in marriage," thing (although my dad is SO not a formal person like that...)

My mother was not supportive of me switching countries (my stepdad was pretty easygoing about it). She'd disapproved when I studied abroad, so I knew that she would be furious if I told her that I wanted to do my MA back in London. So I applied to unis, was accepted and paid for my visa without them knowing. At this point, I was 22 and living back at home while working because I knew that I wanted to leave the country, so saving money was important. My friends from uni were scattered all over the country, so I didn't really feel tied down to anything or anyone, and I just felt like I wasn't going anywhere in the states.

Once I had my visa and everything was paid for, I made a list of pros and cons of going to uni in the UK, with getting a decent job as the focus (this was right before the recession, so who knew that jobs would tank soon after.) There wasn't much she could do at that point, save for hiding my passport so that I would miss my flight (which I kept on my person for that very reason). I got a lot of passive-aggressiveness, including questions about why I hated my homeland (seriously). Six years later, I am still in the UK, and my mother still disapproves, but it was the best decision for me (job aside) and she is finally coming to grips with that, hopefully. The next step is having my parents meet my husband, general money and health issues have meant that they haven't had a chance to meet yet, despite us being together for a very long time. It actually makes me quite nervous, because I know that my mother would like nothing more for me to leave the UK and my husband behind to stay with her, because she doesn't get that I actually have a real life here (because she hasn't seen it yet.) So I hope meeting him will allow her to realise that I'm happy now, and that it doesn't mean that I don't care about her or my dad (or my dog). Plans are in place for her to come visit next year, I'm crossing my fingers.

I think it's hard because its not something many parents have experienced. I know mine were really sad and equally concerned just because they haven't ever traveled out of the country and it's just like another planet to them. But after a lot of convincing they finally came to visit and I think that really helps them relate to your life and that you're ok. Just the same as meeting your partner should. But on the bright side every year that goes by the distance gets smaller because of the internet and phones. Its not a chore or expensive to keep in contact with friends and family even on a daily basis.

Months since this post, and things just seem to be getting harder.

I went to visit my boyfriend earlier this month, and things went amazing. When I was there, he and I talked more about how we really want to live together, and about how living together in Europe was probably the best thing for us to do. We've talked about this on and off for a year now, but we're kind of at the point now that we really need to get a move on with it. The goodbye's are just getting so much harder. I think I sobbed for about 4 hours the night before I had to leave; and he did, too.

When I came home, I told my parents that we're going to pursue a student visa for me, either for the September 2014 term or the January 2015 term. My mother was quiet about it, but said "I understand why you want to do this, and I don't blame you."

Tonight, we were talking about it again. I told them my plans; moving in with him, testing the waters on a student visa to see if we connect as well as we think, and then getting married and living together there in Scotland if all goes well. She looked like she was going to cry, and said "Oh, this is a permanent move?" I hope for it to be, yes. She asked if I would be able to come home to visit -- I told her that I hoped so, but that it might be just once or twice a year, depending on our finances. I told her we could have nightly Skype chats, and that there is always email, and that we would figure out ways to see each other.

She looked like she was going to cry. She kept telling me that she wouldn't want to stop me from making a move that I feel like I need, but that she will miss me.

I feel like crying. I knew that this would be a difficult thing, but I think it's going to be so much harder than I thought. I feel like I don't know what to do. I know that I am in love with him and that I am happier when I am with him; I know that I want to be with him, and that Scotland feels like home to me when I'm there. I know that I have always felt like I don't fit in well in the town I live in now, but I also know that I love my parents and niece, and I love having them close by. The fact that they're so upset makes this so much harder. Especially when my niece keeps telling me how much she missed me when I was just away for 2 weeks and that I am "not allowed" to go away for more than a night again.

I don't know what to do.
Choose the one that I am in love with, or my family. And I hate that it's a choice between the two.