Exile

 :\\\'( :\\\'( :\\\'(

Well, I flew back to the hot, humid, depressing state of Florida yesterday.  4000 miles away from the one reason I breathe (my husband Jamie) and with our fate now in the hands of the British Consulate of New York. 

I wish that I could relax and enjoy the time with my family, but it's impossible to do until I know I have my visa and can return to my husband.

All I feel like doing is crying or sleeping to escape the pain.  I am already being pressured to spend time with friends and family that haven't seen me for 6 months, but all I want to do is either sleep, veg out, or talk to Jamie online (since it is all the contact we have now...at least it's something...it's no longer enough, but it is something). 

I've dealt with depression all my life, but this is a new level.  And, it's hard to get people HERE to understand why I am so scared and distraught.  My family and friends, rightfully so, want to be with me...but they don't want me being morose...which I can't help, and, indeed, I won't be able to help until I know that immigration will allow me to be with my husband again - and soon.  I won't be okay until - and unless - they do.   I ache to touch him and be held by him and to talk with him face to face and not through a bloody screen!  And, I know, this is THE depression I won't recover from if they don't give me the visa I need to return to him.

In other words:  this f*&^ing sucks!

 :\\\'( :\\\'( :\\\'(

In Exile,
~Autumn

So sorry to hear of your sadness.  I am sure that all things will go through regarding your visa.  It is lovely to read that you are so attached to your husband.  Just hang in there and try to enjoy the things that you can in the USA, as I am sure you will be back in the UK in no time.

I have been sitting here for the last few minutes trying to think of something to write in response to your very eloquent but very sad post. I am sorry that I don't know your story, because it sounds like an amazing love story (those are my favourite). 

I have always found it strange that when one falls in love with someone of a different nationality that all of the sudden government(s) have such an active role in the outcome.   The path that the two people would choose to walk can so easily get diverted (or end?) because of what civil servents have agreed on or what side of the bed they woke up on.   I would have never chosen marriage or Britain, but because of people I have never met or ever will, here I am married and in living in Berkshire.

I hope that you get through this time.  When I am not with Kevin, I feel like someone has cut my arm off--a deep ache that just doesn't go away. So, I wish you the speedy recovery of your missing part.

I know the feeling so well!  Back to sitting in front of the computer again and staring at the screen, and hearing his distant voice on the phone thinking he's now thousands of miles away once again, and this time you're not even sure WHEN you'll be together again because of guidelines beyond your control. There's so much uncertainty. It's the worst!!! It makes you feel like just going into a coma until you know you can go back again! I felt exactly the same way when I was waiting for the British Consulate in New York to send me my student visa a few months ago... I had to go back home to get it after spending five wonderful months with my guy. I wasn't even sure I would get the visa, let alone get it before my intended departure date, which would mean I'd have to reschedule the flight--- even more time apart from my love. It was a nightmarish situation for me.

To add to your distress, everyone back home is so happy you're home and wants you to give all your attention to them now more than ever because they've missed you so much... but all you can think about is getting back to your love as soon as possible, and along with that there's this huge feeling of desperation about the visa that nobody can understand. (The consulate really can be so unsympathetic!   :\\\'() My family were actually hurt at how stressed I was in the short time I was back home and how all I could think about was talking to my guy or online or speaking on the phone. I was a nervous wreck, but I couldn't help it.

The best you can do is just try your hardest to keep your mind occupied in the time you're apart, and know he's probably feeling the same way you are. Keep talking to him, but don't do it excessively because that actually makes it alot harder. All you can do at this point is just wait... it's really just a matter of time. I hope everything goes well for you, and this stressful period of your life will soon be over. It's just one of the many obstacles of having an international love... but it's all worth it in the end, believe me! 

I know how you feel. We have to spend 10 months apart from each other. All I do is cry. Not much keeps a smile on my face except his daily phone call and emails. I feel like my life is so stagnant without him. Sucks, huh?!

{{{hugs Autumn}}} 

i wish i had something to say that would help, but i don't.  I guess try to be faithful in the fact that you've done your visa stuff right, and it will all work out.  Now that i'm married I HATE to be away from my husband.  I feel like we were apart for so long, i hate to be apart even when he's traveling for work.

Anyway i know it's hard but try to get out and do things that used to make you happy.  I know everyone wants to see you, but do it slowly so it's not overwhelming.

And most importantly....BIG HUG TO YOU!

Hang in there, Autumn. Honestly, I can't think of any reason that your visa app. would get rejected. I'm sure everything will be fine and you'll be back here in no time! I know it's not much consolation to you now, but honestly it will be OK! xx

Just wanted to let you know that I'll be thinking of you while your visa application is being approved. It won't take long I am sure! I hope you're able to enjoy some time with friends and family as once you're back home with Jamie it may be a while before you see them again. Keep in touch and take good care of yourself.

Warmly, Geally

Thank you, thank you all, for your sympathetic support...and, for all the hugs.  I appreciate it.  It's comforting knowing that you all really care because you've gone (or are presently going) through it, too.  Reading each one of your posts gave me a little more strength with each word.  Thank you.

~~HUGS, right back at ya~~

~Autumn

My husband and I both are poets and songwriters.  He just wrote this and he honestly told me not to cry when I read it.  Yeah, right.  Well, I didn't cry.  I wept.  I wanted to share this beautiful piece with all of you...

Open Heart

I honestly don't know
If I can cope with this
Not knowing, but knowing
Not sure, but so certain
That everything will be fine
And that you'll be home soon

I hold your picture
In my heart, head and hand
Everybody listens
Not many understand

I honestly don't know
If I can handle this
This waiting and waiting
All this hanging around
Every day passing so slow
Out of reach, this love I found

I hold your picture
And the tears start to flow
I couldn't stop them falling
As I stood and watched you go

Take a picture of this open heart
Bury it deep, safe from the light
So the image doesn't fade away
Clutch it in your pocket until your day
Is no longer my night

I honestly don't know
If I can cope with this.
Your flowers are still on the table
Your flowers are still on the table....

Lyrics by Jamie F. Leader
Copyright ©2004 Jamie F. Leader

That is really lovely and gave me chills

Beautiful poem. 

To Songmistress,
You too know what it is like to walk around this world wondering if any one else notices the pieces of your heart that are falling out of your hands on to the pavement because you cannot be with the one person you love above all else.  Feeling like you are the only person in the world living a lie of being happy when you are so desperately miserable inside that you want to curl into a ball in a dark room until the powers that be give you a piece of paper that says you can be sane, whole, alive again. 

I am so sorry you are going through this - and hurting so badly.  If there was a way to easy the pain I would share it, but I have to say I haven't found it yet.  I have known my husband for just over 2yrs now and it just as raw now as it was then,  the highs of being able to see him and then not being able to look at him the day he is leaving because it breaks my heart to walk away at the airport. 

But you have to remember the joys too and it is one of the things that keeps me going, like when I am feeling sad and tried after a long day teaching and putting the world to rights and doing battle with my two teenage children, and the phone rings and Jared is just calling to tell me he loves me (I always wonder how he knows!!!)  Or being able to plan something special to send him that I know he wont expect and find out that he was planning the same thing (except I got there before him  ). 

But you know what - I truely believe that when you have found your soulmate or partner for life you are blessed and everything will work out.  My advice to you, believe in yourself and dont give up!  Keep busy! 

Sending Hugs 

Jade