Please Help Me...please.

Admins...I didn't know which category to select, so please move this to the correct one if I've chosen incorrectly...

Alright...I met my UK hubby in 2005.  Online of course.  We became friends..then close friends..then decided to meet in 2011 to see if we could actually like one another.  Well, we fell in love instantly.  We began the lengthy process of finding out about immigration.  We were engaged in February of 2012.  I became pregnant in May and our son was born in February of 2013 in the USA.  Sidenote..I have other children from a previous relationship.

We went thru the HELL of immigration.  The stress of getting everything right, the FOREVER wait with the US courts for permission to leave with my other children, and finally the AGONY of waiting for the visas to come thru. 

Of course they did.  I am writing from the UK..lol.  But now things are bad for us.  I found out that he had cheated on me for the first 6 months of our relationship..after we met.. and decided we wanted to be together...physical cheating.  I've been here since September of 2013 and found out the following month.  Well, we went to relationship counselling.  I decided to forgive him and to move forward in our marriage and our life here in the UK. 

But things aren't working out between us.  His favorite thing to throw at me is that he won't help me get back to the US if we split.  That he'll take our son from me and I'll have to move back without him.  I am so scared right now.  I'm not some teenager who doesn't know any better...I'm almost 40.  I am sitting here crying as I write this because I fear I will have to stay here simply because I have no other choice.  I do know that I read the US embassy will help us get back, but he says no.  Because our son has a UK passport AND a US passport..and he's in the UK..he'll have to stay. 

Please don't just say get a lawyer.  I'm a homemaker.  I can't afford a lawyer.  He says that I'm entitled to NOTHING money wise.  He owns his home and I dropped everything to move here.  We literally came here with 5 suitcases and nothing else.  Stupid move looking back on it, I know.  But please UK Yankee...I've been a lurker for so long here.  You've helped me with the visas and I'm just asking ..not.. for legal advice, but moral support here.  Please...has anyone been thru this?  Can I actually get back home?  Can he really get our son and I'll have to leave without him?  Is my UK husband just being the world's biggest jerk when he says that?  Please...someone..please just say something to help me. 

Thank you.

I'm sorry for your situation but surely you must know that you have to get a lawyer to deal with this situation. There is no way you'll be able to take your son and return to the US without doing so, and even then it will be a challenge.   

What visa are you on now? 

I forgot to say I think the best course of action would be to contact the US Embassy.  Here is some info on attorneys on their website.

http://london.usembassy.gov/cons_new/acs/living_in_the_uk.html

I have a spouse visa. 

And thank you very much for your reply.

You have no idea how alone I feel right now...I'm so scared.

I have no advice to give, but want you to know I am sending hugs and good thoughts your way. Keep looking forward, and don't let his words get you down. Anyone who treats others the way he is treating you is because of their own insecurities and you can't take it to heart or allow yourself to believe what he is saying.

Thank you....  I feel so isolated here.  Like I mentioned, I'm a housewife.  His mom is actually a big help, as she went thru it with his dad.  I've always been a worker, but he says I can't work as we have to wait on our child tax credits... I want to go make friends, but it scares him.  He never frightened me fully until tonight.  His nose was pressed up against mine...while I was smashed in the couch...and he told me he'd take our son.  I've been in a DV situation with my last husband...and I understand different countries had different laws...  .....I'm really so scared.  I just want to go home already, but can't leave our son.  He promised if I ever wanted to go back, he'd help...but he's just turned into someone I wish I'd never met.. 

Please don't say just call the police....I can't.  He told me he'll get me deported...I honestly don't know how.  But I believe him.  What did I get myself into?? 

He can't get you deported, and he can't take your son. You have rights here, even though you're not a citizen of the UK. If you have evidence of domestic violence, you can apply for ILR based on that, which would allow you to stay in the UK without having your right to stay attached to him. Don't let him scare you. He doesn't have as much power over you as he wants you to believe.

However, one thing you cannot do is take your son and go back to the US. The UK has strict anti-kidnapping laws, and you do need the father's permission to remove a child from the country. I know you said you can't afford a lawyer, but you are going to need one. Contact the US Embassy and see what they can do. Is there a women's shelter or church or somewhere near you where you could go? Do you have anyone in the US who could lend you money for a lawyer?

Good luck, with whatever you choose. Be strong.

Google 'legal aid' and read the eligibility info to see if you qualify to receive it.

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Calm down. It will help think clearly. Get help from the US embassy. There are outfits that help women who are in relationships like yours. They could help as well.

There are options available to you, don't believe him when he says there isn't.

As others have mentioned there is ILR available to those experiencing DV in their relationships (if they have a visa based on that relationship - which you have.

In order to access a place at a refuge you need to have temporary access to public funds (to claim HB to pay for the place). You can access public funds during the application process you will be able to under the Destitution Domestic Violence (DDV) Concession - this is for people who need support and do not have the means to support themselves while making the application. You will need to contact the UKBA using this form: Protecting victims of domestic violence (DDV) so your leave is temporarily changed to allow you to access public funds.

In order to be granted settlement you must -
- have previously been admitted or granted as the spouse / registered civil partner / same-sex partner or unmarried partner of a person present and settled in the United Kingdom
- show your relationship was subsisting at the beginning of the time referred to above
- prove that you were the victim of domestic violence and it was this that caused the relationship to breakdown before the end of that period


You do not have to pay a fee for the SET(DV) application if you are destitute, you must provide evidence to support this claim.

You will also need to support your claim of DV:

Suggested supporting documents

Below are some examples of documentary evidence you can use to support your application. This list however is not exhaustive:
- A letter or other document showing that a Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conference (MARAC) has been convened on your behalf
- A Non-Molestation Order or other protection order against the person(s) who committed the violence. This must be a final order, not an interim or ex-parte order
- A medical report from a hospital doctor or GMC registered family practitioner (GP) who has examined you confirming that your injuries are consistent with being a victim of domestic violence. (The report must include the doctor's GMC Registration Number and must provide the date you first registered, the dates of your visits in which domestic violence was reported, and an extract from the record of these details.)
- An undertaking given to a court that the person(s) who committed the violence will not approach you.
- A police report confirming that, because of a domestic violence incident, they attended the address at which the incident(s) took place. (A copy of the incident log must be provided. It must show the address(es) at which the incident(s) took place.)
- A letter from a social services department confirming its involvement in connection with domestic violence committed against you.
- A letter of support or a report from a domestic violence support organisation/refuge.
- Other documentary evidence showing that you have been the victim of domestic violence.

from Requirements for Settlement Applications

Please consider getting support, this really isn't a DIY project as it is new and I don't think anyone on this boards knows how quickly your leave will be changed to access public funds temporarily:

Women's Aid free phone: 0808 2000 247

Refuge free phone: 0808 2000 247

Citizens Advice Bureau (Your local CAB may be able to point you in the direction of local help available to you)
www.adviceguide.org.uk

You should be able to go to your local council for help - but the amount of help you may get will depend on their experience with this situation. However, I have spoken to benefit advisers in around London who have said that the process from getting temporary access to funds to receiving ILR takes about three months.

I don't have advice to give, just reassurance that you aren't alone.  Your husband is using your fear against you to control you.  You aren't stranded.  There are many others who have moved to the UK and had similar breakdowns in their relationships. 

Hang in there and read all the links Hello Panda! posted.  You have the right to stay in the UK with  your son because your husband is being abusive to you. He cannot have you deported but you need to do something to protect yourself (like talk to your doctor or get help from a DV refuge). 

You've been given some excellent advice here, and I hope you check out all the links to resources. 

You will need to get a lawyer involved, to sort out a divorce, child custody and any child support.  He will not automatically be granted custody of the son you have together.

The US embassy can provide you with a repatriation loan, should you feel you need to return to the States.  If memory serves me correctly, your passport will be held until the debt is paid in full. 

Best of luck to you. 

I want to send hugs and blessings your way.  Hello Panda! knows their stuff, please take their advise. 

this. sucks.

can you give us an update?

i am certainly NOT advocating kidnapping your child, but I just wanted to add how surprised I was (a US citizen on a spousal visa in the UK) when I recently traveled to the states with my 6-month old son of different last name. My husband wrote a letter stating I had authority to take my son to america, and i had a copy of his passport, but NO ONE asked me anything.  shouldn't there be better protocols in place?