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Topic: It's a mess......  (Read 1425 times)

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It's a mess......
« on: August 05, 2014, 02:44:04 AM »
I haven't posted here in awhile. Read my previous posts. We ended up being in America, where my UK spouse is........MISERABLE. Nothing is working out. My spouse does not like it here, misses home, can't find a job, drinks all the time, argues with me non-stop ( it's all my fault..of course). Spouse wants to go home. We have been to counseling ( my spouse does not "believe" in it) and church. We have had time away. Date nights. Long "talks" about the misery of it all and the unhappiness. My spouse lives in a lovely house here with a new car, money to do things, great school for my step kid, beautiful sunshine and warm weather and me, a loving and devoted spouse. Nothing is good enough. I seem to be running out of options. I am trying everything to make my spouse happy. Every frustration is directed at me.


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Re: It's a mess......
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2014, 06:07:48 PM »
Don't want to read and run.

Ultimately, it is his choice to give the move an honest chance or not. As you have discovered you can't make him happy - it's his job and he doesn't seem to be trying. He needs to meet you halfway.

Only you know how much work you want to put into your relationship - but if you decided you didn't want to work on it anymore I don't think anyone could blame you for not trying.

August 2008 - Tier 4 - Student Visa
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January 2012 - FLR(M)
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Re: It's a mess......
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2014, 10:47:51 PM »
I'm sorry this has been so hard for you.  I really don't have any answers, but I hope that he finds something to be positive about.  If he is really miserable and won't adjust and you do want to stay together then maybe you need to look at all your choices together.  Where, or what, would make him happy?


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Re: It's a mess......
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2014, 08:23:13 AM »
drinks all the time, argues with me non-stop ( it's all my fault..of course)...... Every frustration is directed at me.

I've pulled part of your post to quote, because the part I put in bold jumped out immediately. I'm not saying your wife is an alcoholic, or has a drinking problem....BUT....as one who has been there, watched that, and been on the receiving end.....well.....if she truly is 'drinking all the time', IMHO that may well be the bigger problem, or really THE problem. If it is, the geographical cure (going back home) won't solve a thing.

Please know that you are NOT responsible for her (or anyone's) happiness except your own. Whatever is going on...arguments, etc is NOT your fault, and her drinking is NOT your fault, but believe me, add alcohol to almost any relationship mix and problems are more likely to arise.

Now - I started writing this, and then decided to look at some of your earlier posts. You mentioned drinking....way back, and were concerned then. I'm not a first hand observer, but from what you've said, and your past concerns....well.....my own very personal experience tells me the root of the problem is not living in the US.

Focus on YOU. What makes you happy. This is not selfish; you must focus on the only person you can control - yourself.

If you feel the relationship is worth fighting for, do so. If you don't, let it go.
Married December 1992 (my 'old flame' whom I first met in the mid-70s)
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Re: It's a mess......
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2014, 02:44:07 PM »
Focus on YOU. What makes you happy. This is not selfish; you must focus on the only person you can control - yourself.

If you feel the relationship is worth fighting for, do so. If you don't, let it go.

Such good advice!  You probably can't change your partner (it's only possible to change oneself, and even that is very difficult) and if she never changes her ways, can you make your peace with this? 

The real trouble is knowing whether or not a relationship is worth fighting for.  That may take time.


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