New York City v. The Fens

I'm currently on a visitor's visa and will be going back to get married and send away for my visa. I've been here for about 3 months and I am still really struggling with a lot of things. My SO's family doesn't miss a beat to make fun of my accent, or to remind me how different I'll sound to my family when I go back home, or how I "just have to get used to the spiders and flies and beetles just being around the house"...
All this just makes me more homesick. My partner is doing everything he can to make sure I feel comfortable;  but of course he can't control everyone else. And I don't want to be a killjoy either--but how am I meant to feel when I'M the one changing EVERYTHING?

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk

First of all you will not sound the tiniest bit different to your family. Your accent will not change.  My husband has lived in the States with me for 9 years. We're going the other way. I'm immigrating to Scotland and he is back there now and not one person has said a word about his accent an he's a teacher.  He talks all day for a living!

I can't offer much advice on the family thing, I tend to think family can be more of a hindrance than help these days but that's my personal experience talking. I do know that adjusting to a significant others family can be challenging and it doesn't matter where they are from.  That is the "joy" of marrying someone. 

I'm sorry you're homesick.  I guess I'll know a bit of what that's like in a few months time.  I hope it gets better for you.

Time to ask yourself a very hard question - is this the life you want to sign up for?

Can you limit time with his family?

To be honest... if you think comments about spiders and such are annoying - wait until you have children!  The comments are a lot harder to ignore!

Accent wise, I mostly have the same American dialect that I've always had. I have however picked up British words and phrases as well as inflections. I went back to visit my hometown this summer after being away for over a year and I did have one person say I had a bit of a British accent, but that may just be the power of suggestion. haha. Either way, I started to revert back to my American way of speaking while I was there.

I'm sorry, I don't know where The Fens are, but I can tell you that my husband's Yorkshire side of the family are the only people who have EVER made fun of my accent since I've moved here. I have had a few people tease me over some of my Americanisms, but nothing mean spirited. I've mostly gotten compliments on my lovely accent. I worked on the phone a lot and I can't tell you how many people I've had the "where are you from" conversation with.

I don't think our British sides quite understand how big of a change it is that we're making. To be honest, I don't think most of us even know how big of a change it's going to be until we do it. It's the little things that really got to me. Phone numbers being different, postal codes, office supplies having different names. Heck, the dial tone on your phone is WAY different. Who even thinks about that sort of thing?

It's a big decision and you're the only one who can make it. I wish you the best of luck! And I do hope it get's better for you!

Do you think it may be possible that they are fond of you and are only teasing you? Brits are quite famous for ribbing each other, and making fun of different accents and ways. Just a thought. I know from personal experience that in-laws can be a pain, my first move was from the Southwest of England to the North of England and it felt like I'd moved to the other end of the Earth! Good luck with whatever you decide.

I barely changed at all, accent wise, in 3 years, but after moving back to the US, I was back to my usual. Hubby has lived in the US a total of 7 1/2 years, when we were first married and then the 3 since we have moved back. He has this interesting combination, where people still clearly know he is British, but when he goes back home to visit people know he has lived in the States. It varies person to person, and your family and friends will probably enjoy hearing you when you speak, knowing your new life fits well with you. As mentioned above, they could be just teasing you, as they seem to do. Maybe have a heartfelt, calm chat about it if you can, and see.

As far as the spiders and flies and beetles, I didn't find it any harder to take care of spiders and flies in the UK than I did in the US. Regardless of how Brits feel spiders are harmless little house guests, my absolute, consuming fear followed me over there and I saw no need to have them in my home.

i think if you are having a bad feeling before even moving permanently over, you should really listen to yourself and ask more questions. i know how you feel and have had the same issues with in-laws being insensitive and yes, i try to limit my time with them and how open i am with them. for me, leaving my own network was way harder than i ever would have imagined, especially when you feel people don't support you here. it will take some time to build your own network because people aren't as friendly or open as the US. Are you friends with your partner's friends? Will you be working while you are in the UK? If you don't have these, you'll have to work extra hard and put yourself out there more.

but it's hard to say what to do without more details. why would you move to the UK as opposed to your partner going to the US? also, are you looking to get away from city life? i think it will be even more of a culture shock to move from NYC to Norfolk (ive never been there but I'm in london and i feel even here people are way more conservative than I thought. When i go outside of London, I feel I'm in a different world.)

i have friends (which has taken time to make) and a job which keep me sane but still, i don't feel i can ever be myself because of the cultural differences. but that's just me.

if you feel something is wrong though, don't ignore it but sometimes we have to move because of work/partner/ etc. Things can work here but I'd say life in the US is a lot easier.