I'm about to go postal

The guy who sits next to me has spent the last two hours talking loudly in the phone and spreading the foulest smelling ointment all over his arm. 

This morning he "jokingly " told me that since he has to listen to me coughing, then it's OK if he slathers himself in ointment that reeks of menthol.  I swear, if he leaves his desk I am going to throw it away.

Does he work in your team?!?

No, I don't have a team. 
The curse of being a contractor

Is it like that stuff you used to rub on your chest to clear out congestion?

Exactly, but he's putting a thick coat of it on his wrist.

I just got back from lunch and he's still talking!  Shoot me now

Why is he putting it on his WRIST?!?!?! 

He frequently stays home because various parts are swollen, maybe that's got something to do with it

Some kind of glucosamine cream/gel for rheumatoid arthritis? But all the loud talking is bang out of order. It's Friday, and it's just gone sunny. Plant the seed that he should bunk off early to the pub.

Anyway, my office mate won't let me go for a wee on my own, which on the one hand means that I am never lonely but on the other means there is no peace, not ever, until treats are distributed.

I wish they would distribute treats here, but I'm not following him to the toilet. 

I'm guessing your office mate isnof the four legged variety?

Some kind of glucosamine cream/gel for rheumatoid arthritis? But all the loud talking is bang out of order. It's Friday, and it's just gone sunny. Plant the seed that he should bunk off early to the pub.

Anyway, my office mate won't let me go for a wee on my own, which on the one hand means that I am never lonely but on the other means there is no peace, not ever, until treats are distributed.

It's not a method that works for everyone, but highly effective if you are a member of the furban elite.

Has he shut his gob yet?

I'm guessing your office mate isnof the four legged variety?

You guess correctly. It results in many struggles, but none so onerous as Jimbo's ongoing exasperation today. I would not be so restrained and professional as he.

The guy who sits next to me has spent the last two hours talking loudly in the phone and spreading the foulest smelling ointment all over his arm. 

This morning he "jokingly " told me that since he has to listen to me coughing, then it's OK if he slathers himself in ointment that reeks of menthol.  I swear, if he leaves his desk I am going to throw it away.

I hear you!
I once had to work with someone who *constantly cleared her throat and used to floss at her desk... I'm coming out in a sweat just thinking back on it!

used to floss at her desk

If someone does this, there should be no judge, no jury. Just straight to execution.

Vapo-rub.