Inlaws...

Future Hubby and I were living in another country.  We travelled to England and he travelled over and brought his mother to England to meet me.  I knew there was a problem when she refused to get out of the taxi when she arrived.  At that time I had a flat in a Victorian house (and in anticipation of her arrival I had the bathroom re-done, bought various items etc).  Some of the occupants of the other flats came out to greet and welcome her.  She was not impressed.

It went from bad to worse.  She hated England and wouldn't eat anything.  She survived on black coffee and cigarettes while she was here.  She had "forgotten" to bring her hearing aids which meant she could pick and choose what she could hear.  She would wait until future hubby went out of the room before she would make the most awful comments, all said with a smile.

We took her to Whitby, which she hated.  She waited until Future Hubby was in the men's bathroom and she took hold of my shoulders, turned me to her, brought her face down to mine and threatened me re my relationship with Future hubby.  Of course, when Future Hubby asked her about this event she said she had no recollection.  She told me that I was a very stupid woman as I would lose Future Hubby because I was upsetting her.

She was informed that we were married after the fact - and she was not happy.  Not interested in photos or the DVD.  Christmas cards would come for hubby, but not for me.   Hubby had more than one little chat with her.

I decided that I would be sweet and lovely.  I could afford to be.

Fast forward.  The woman is in her 80s and is due for a hip replacement.  My birthday was last week and she sent three different birthday greetings.  My name has now appeared on Christmas cards. 

The saying is, "When someone shows themselves to you, believe them." And I know who she is.  How sad she chose to be that way.  It could have been wonderful.  Instead she is alone the other side of the Atlantic.

Wow Blossom, that's a movie script right there!

Saw the inlaws today for the first time in two months...

No sign of any acknowledgement of the husbands 40th that happened, but nothing new there.

Anyways, was showing MIL the family photos we had done last month.  Asked if she wanted any.  She looked through and showed me three she would like.  Photos of my husband, daughter, and son.  I asked, “Did you want one of the ones of the 4 of us?”  She said “No, just those three.”.  Point made!

 

Yoiks! 

We had a bit of a tiff over this last night.

Cousin suggested we do family photos and husband wants to for MIL's birthday in August.  I've pointed out that I really don't see the point.  He's not overly pleased.  But I did say I think she'd much rather pictures of the dogs.

As I said, if HE wants to do the photos for HIM, let's do it.  But I don't think we need to do it for HER. 

Paint me jaded!   

While future MIL was here we went with friends to Port Merion for the day.  Future Hubby asked his mother to take photos of the two of us - which she did.  But on checking she kept cutting me out of the picture.  Of course, Future Hubby thought it was accidental and asked her to do it again.  Three times she couldn't get me in the frame.  When she went back to the States she sent my friends who we had gone to Port Merion with, a Thank You card.  My friend rang me and said how nice it was of future MIL to do that and asked her if I had received a card.  I told her I wouldn't, and I didn't.  I believe she only sent my friend one because she knew she would tell me.

But, I just feel sorry for the woman.  I am gracious and Hubby can see it all now.  He is an only child, by the way.  Need I say more.

I guess I would suggest anyone with "challenges" with their MIL simply kills them with graciousness.  Remember, you have all the cards. 

We had a bit of a tiff over this last night.

Cousin suggested we do family photos and husband wants to for MIL's birthday in August.  I've pointed out that I really don't see the point.  He's not overly pleased.  But I did say I think she'd much rather pictures of the dogs.

As I said, if HE wants to do the photos for HIM, let's do it.  But I don't think we need to do it for HER. 

Paint me jaded!   

Yeah, I agree family photos are nice but not when it's for a person who hasn't shown interest in the entire family. It almost feels like she thinks you'll leave? I dunno, that's one odd way to behave.

My inlaws are the opposite, so kind and welcoming. They sent me a card and gave me a gift for my birthday. My real family couldn't be bothered, but after I posted about it on FB they did tag me in a happy birthday post. I feel so loved. They haven't made any effort to speak since I moved over here, even when I've tried to set up times. But - my husbands half brother lives in the states and is married to another US citizen, and so is his cousin, so I guess they are also used to the international couples!

It almost feels like she thinks you'll leave? I dunno, that's one odd way to behave.

I honestly think she just didn't realise how it came off.  Genuinely.  Sometimes she doesn't think before speaking, if you know what I mean.  She's absolutely lovely.  Doesn't mean any harm.  But CAN cause harm, even if she doesn't mean it, you know?

There could be some truth to your remark above.  My husband was with a girl for about 8 years, they were engaged, venue selected, date set.  And she walked. 

Let's talk about MIL's behavior around that.  My husband was DEVASTATED.  Of course.  He thought he had found his wife.  She walked out.  Left him in bits (we've all been there and can related).

His MOM had a hard time with the breakup and met up with his ex to get closure.  FOR HER.  Don't get me wrong, I know that breakups effect everyone.  But when my ex-husband walked out on me, my parents were hurt, confused, disappointed, etc.  My mom would have LOVED to have had him alone in a room - but to kill him.  Not to want to still have a relationship with him.

Color me jaded, but if (when) my son's heart is ripped out of his chest and stomped on, I'm going to surround my son with love.  Not the woman.  Doesn't mean I won't have to grieve love lost with my DIL, but my son will be my #1.

So yeah, she could be afraid that I won't always be around.  But we are MARRIED.  With CHILDREN.  I'll always be around.  lol!

I honestly think she just didn't realise how it came off.  Genuinely.  Sometimes she doesn't think before speaking, if you know what I mean.  She's absolutely lovely.  Doesn't mean any harm.  But CAN cause harm, even if she doesn't mean it, you know?

Well, hopefully it was more an innocent mistake then. That is really weird that she went to the ex for closure though! I guess maybe she is still a bit traumatised from that and doesn't realise the difference... You're not going anywhere, and her grand kids are there! I keep holding out hope she'll come around and be more involved.

My mom on the other hand is more excited to be visiting my new in laws when she gets a vacation over here again! (but never replies to their emails and they thought she was upset with them)... I know where my family and relationship challenges come from. Thank goodness for therapists.

The mantra is "You are married - and will always be around."

Smile.  You are creating your own family.

We are brought up to try and please everyone.  And then we realise we can't.  That puts you in quite a strong position - knowing that you don't actually have to please people.  You can still show respect and be pleasant and kind, but you don't need to agonise or over analyse someone else's behaviour because it actually doesn't matter.  But your position is so secure that they are the ones who should be pleasing you.

I suppose that is all easy for me to say as I have no children and MIL is a long way away.  I do come from a large family of brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews etc and I have had to learn that now my family consists of my husband and I, and I am happy with that.

I can imagine how hurtful it is for MIL to support her son's ex.  That sort of thing can blow families apart. 

We are brought up to try and please everyone.  And then we realise we can't.  That puts you in quite a strong position - knowing that you don't actually have to please people.  You can still show respect and be pleasant and kind, but you don't need to agonise or over analyse someone else's behaviour because it actually doesn't matter. 

This describes me to a t.  I am respectful and kind, but I don’t let their actions get to me.

This describes me to a t.  I am respectful and kind, but I don’t let their actions get to me.

Besides, you have us. 

I honestly think she just didn't realise how it came off.  Genuinely.  Sometimes she doesn't think before speaking, if you know what I mean.  She's absolutely lovely.  Doesn't mean any harm.  But CAN cause harm, even if she doesn't mean it, you know?

There could be some truth to your remark above.  My husband was with a girl for about 8 years, they were engaged, venue selected, date set.  And she walked. 

Let's talk about MIL's behavior around that.  My husband was DEVASTATED.  Of course.  He thought he had found his wife.  She walked out.  Left him in bits (we've all been there and can related).

His MOM had a hard time with the breakup and met up with his ex to get closure.  FOR HER.  Don't get me wrong, I know that breakups effect everyone.  But when my ex-husband walked out on me, my parents were hurt, confused, disappointed, etc.  My mom would have LOVED to have had him alone in a room - but to kill him.  Not to want to still have a relationship with him.

Color me jaded, but if (when) my son's heart is ripped out of his chest and stomped on, I'm going to surround my son with love.  Not the woman.  Doesn't mean I won't have to grieve love lost with my DIL, but my son will be my #1.

So yeah, she could be afraid that I won't always be around.  But we are MARRIED.  With CHILDREN.  I'll always be around.  lol!

That is just odd she sought out closure for herself. I almost wonder if she is still vaguely clinging on to that idea of that marriage that didn’t happen for her son. It could be she felt so wronged and hurt for her son that she never really let go. Although it obviously all worked out well for him as he got you and the children you two share. 

Like you said, she doesn’t think about the things she says, so maybe I’ve tried to read too much into all this. End of the day, she should just take the blasted photo of the four of you and say thank you! 

I’m seconding ONLY giving her pictures of you lol


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I’m seconding ONLY giving her pictures of you lol


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You've seen my facebook photos.  The family pictures are GOOD! 

You've seen my facebook photos.  The family pictures are GOOD! 

Agreed... they are good!  I can't believe she has an opportunity to proudly display amazing photos of her son and his family in her home and she isn't interested.

You've seen my facebook photos.  The family pictures are GOOD! 

They were very good! I just would give her only photos of me just because hahaha


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