[SPLIT] Re: HEEEELLPP!!! (Child Custody)

*I'm splitting this into a new topic.  Best of Luck.  Mindy


hiya alzbabybird and everyone else on the thread,
I just popped in and read all 4 pages of this and just cann't believe the pain and headache that you have been through with this.
I have a sort of similar situation i'm in but not really ( ok no I don't make sense)
I don't want to stray from the original problem at hand, but along the custody lines, I left my 7 year old daughter behind with her father, because he already had custody of her, and now, she wants to come and live with me, she had a complete FIT when I left and I can understand why. I'm going home the 26th of this month to see her for a week and she is counting the days religiously.
Here is my little scenario, again, not wanting to stray from the original topic at hand but would like a tad bit of advice if i can get any please.
As far as my court agreement goes and visitation as well, the only visitation standing in legal form now is my week in december for christmas, that is as far as we have made our agreement for until April 1, 2005.
This means that i stand to lose phone contact and possibly, visitations too, according to what Aelexys has said about her dad. She claims that he's said many times he will not allow her to come here to see me, even tho he knows she desperately wants to.
Now, I have a little ugly card up my sleeve that he knows nothing about, only problem being, i have no money for an attorney, and the witnesses to back up my little card are nill.
BOTH of my kids have been subjected to abuse by this man, my son and daughter both have been strangled by him on a few different occasions and my daughter says that's what he does when he gets mad at her. Ok well now i'm pissed, see why? I've left my precious daughter with a fricken maniac and have quite minimal means to get her back
My son says he's no where near scared testifying in court against Dan (the ex) and telling them what he's done to him and what he's seen done t my daughter, but, understandably so, my little girl is scared to death of her father finding out that she's told anyone.
Protective services takes eons to investigate this sort of thing and i only have a week, over holidays at that. And nothing is solid, alot of it, from what I can tell, depends on if she talks or not to the officials, who of course won't allow me to be with her, because that's coersion, brainwashing a small child if you get my meaning.
I'm so clueless as to what to do, because with no further visitation in place, if this all goes wrong and he doesn't get in trouble for abuse, then i stand to never see her again. But at the same time, I'm her mother, she's cried out to me for help, and it's my job and duty to protect her.
HELP!!!!! I just don't know what to do, I'm really feeling helpless. Only thing I have is a log/journal of the times he's been AWOL when I'm supposed to call her, and the reasons I've been given for them not being there.
I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel where this is concerned, and to shed a little more light on the situation....
a few years ago my kids went into foster care and I was hospitalized, obviously i've come out and am better for it all, I mean I've regained custody of my son from the state, while my daughter was illegally snatched up by her dad, I couldn't get custody of her due to all the strikes against me. I've been convicted of domestic violence, and now i'm being accused of neglect and abandonment because i've moved country, and of course that's only him saying it but still.......
I just don't know how in the HECK I'm going to pull this off.....should I pray and hope that the protective services system work in my favor or should i let a sleeping dog lie and pray that court goes well in april and i get visitation.
I just so with that i could report the abuse and watch the slimball burn in hell for what he's done.
I need to know my little girl is safe!!!
Desperately seeking help and advice,
Abby

If you have only a week custody of them, perhaps frees you up another week to sort out some legal counsel for a new custody agreement? 

Pitting your son against his dad when he is unwilling to testify against him is going to backfire, even if the father is abusive.  It doesn't sound like a very wise game plan. 

I don't think it's wise in such situations for you to play any sort of games, such as your 'ugly card'.  This can backfire quite badly, and seeing as how your son refuses to go along w/it, most likely will. 

If you can only see your kids for a week, I'd book another week to chase up some Legal Aid advice. 

Since my response didn't make it over here in the split.. I'll repost it. 

You've been convicted of domestic violence, left your children with their abusive father and now you wonder why you can't get custody?  It isn't really a surprise, is it?  If I was a family court judge, I don't know that I would place her with you OR her father.  Just because you moved to the UK doesn't mean you're in any place to take care of her.  Why were you given custody of your son and not your daughter?  Any strike you had against you would play into account in regard to custody of both, not just your son.  If CPS won't investigate, call them again.  And again, and again and again until they do. 

If your custody agreement ends in April 2005, it is your responsibility to go back to the court to make sure you have an agreement in place for when the original agreement expires.  I'm sure your financial situation is difficult, as supporting a child from abroad can be expensive.  Have you contacted a Legal Aid attorney in the state where your daughter lives? 

*I have read and read and re-read this over and over and over again, so please take note that I am very upset and angry in my response but am not making digs or attacks on anyone, I jsut can't see how else to word this* Thank you.

WHOA!! wait a second here!! before you attack me!
THE WHOLE STORY... thank you very much... IS :
My exhusband nailed me to the wall for something HE did and I got convicted of it, it wasn't actually something I DID! Reason for this?? I was already beaten down mentally and financially by the man and didn't have the nerve to take anymore beatings so i let him have his way and in the end, it shut him out of my life, so in my opinion, regardless of any records I may have, I came out ahead, at least I'm alive today!
SECONDLY, I did not KNOW she was being abused until RECENTLY, I've been here since AUGUST!
thirdly, my son is not that bastards (pardon language please) child, he has his own father who is a wonderful man!
I went through the courts when my ex husband took me down mentally, physically, and financially, to get help and to bring myself back up! NOT because I was abusive to my children! what I did was in their best interest as well as my own! It has made us all stronger, even though my daughter does not live with me now, doesn't mean that I love her or she loves me any less, nor have I ever shirked my responsibilities!
NOW I face a new battle of trying to get custody of my daughter because she is in an abusive situation, and no me moving to the UK doesn't make me "more capable" of taking care of my kids, if anything it puts me more at a disadvantage!!!! BUT we are NOT going there!
I was given custody of my son back from the state because I WORKED HARD to get back on my feet and EARNED that right and obviously the family court judge saw I was fit to take care and provide for him as he was the one who saw me through it all every month and finallt gave me a pat on the back for coming so far in the end! My daughters dad, broke the law while the kids were in legal custody, and took custody of her from me, technically according to court documents he wasn't supposed to be allowed to do that, but I guess you can get away with stuff like that when you hire a whole law firm!
SO, as I don't want to divulge my life story, nor be eaten alive, I just wanted a little advice on how to get my daughter out of a potentially life threatening (in my eyes at least) situation! One that I must once again point out I've just recently learned about. It is not my fault that my son went to spend the night with his sister a couple of times and came back the last time and said he's been strangled! I could only stop it by stopping him going over there, now that I know that this has happened to my daughter too, which I didn't know about, I want to nip it in the bud, put his fire out and stop him in his tracks. I had NEVER seen any signs of him abusing her, if I had I'd have stopped him ages ago, but it seems that the abuse has been most recent, as he doesn't have my son to wrangle anymore. My son is with me in the UK, because his dad thought I was more capable than he was to care for him and he (whoa shocker huh) TRUSTS me with "our" son.
NOW changing the subject a tad:
My visitation will go to court in April, I have christmas and that's what we've agreed on so far, we have to modify in April for future visits, both holiday and summer, I have been in contact with the courts and have full knowledge that he can't stop her coming to see me, but that doesn't ease my mind where his abuse is concerned. I'd much rather have her away from him than with him, and I do, now, today, feel fully capable, fully recovered, confident, and back on my feet enough to take care of her, because the person and situation bringing me down has been banished from my life. Not everyone has a peachy keen life, and some have certainly taken the fall for others, in my case, it's been all that and more.
Sorry if I've been harsh in this, but that post really hurt, (and yeah I've found out some ppl just don't really care who they hurt BUT) I took the finger pointing before when I wasn't guilty, I won't do it anymore, ever ever again!
So I hope that explains the situation a little better and maybe now i can TRY to get an answer without feeling like I've been kicked in the gut.

I am asking (ONCE) that any posts of a judgemental nature be kept to yourselves.  We all know that hindsight is better than foresight and that other people's actions are not always what you might do yourself.  So, keep it to support and advise.  Anything else will be deleted.  You might not think it's fair, but that's what's happening people. 

I don't have any advise, I'm afraid, just sending good thoughts. 

thanks Mindy

My intention wasn't to "kick you in the gut."  I only know what you originally posted, not the context behind it all.  You should know that I spent part of the afternoon reading about someone else's custody woes/child support gripes and it irritated the crap outta me.  My intention wasn't to direct that irritation at you.  I apologise if it was.

That said.. In general, I don't understand when a mother leaves her children to move to the UK.  I'm not simply referring to you.  There are several women here who have done it.  I'm not walking in their shoes so I can't guess why they made the choices they did.  But for me, no matter what, I don't think I could leave my child to move 6,000 miles away.  Especially when there's a choice to stay in the US or not.  The helpless victim routine doesn't go over well with me.  Again, I'm not referring to you specifically.  

Save your money.  Get an attorney and go back to court.  What more do you expect people to tell you?  We don't know you or your situation.  Last I checked, none of us are attornies either.

Again, aacchhoo, I really don't think a public forum for American expats to Britain is where you'll find much advice for your custody case, given that yours seems to be a good deal less straightforward than alzbabybird's.  

Much as you don't have money for one, I think your best bet is to at least try to chase up some Legal Aid back in the States.  

Laws can really vary state by state, and intepretation varies judge by judge.  A local family lawyer will be most informed as to the best course of action to take.  Child abuse is a very serious accusation, and I'm afraid to say I think the process is going to be quite protracted and complicated in your case.  

sorry I hadn't realized I'd asked anyone to be an attorney, and was in fact just asking advice, if you didn't have any advice you didn't have to say anything at all. I understand though. Anyhow, case closed I'll just shut up now. And yeah I understand about the severity and the risks involved. Funnily enough I'm not the only person with custody issues....
 No I hadn't thought "expats" could answer my q/ but I was under the impression that this was supposed to also be a support community for ppl away from home as we all seem to have moved country....hmmmm
Thanks

Since my response didn't make it over here in the split.. I'll repost it.

You've been convicted of domestic violence, left your children with their abusive father and now you wonder why you can't get custody? It isn't really a surprise, is it? If I was a family court judge, I don't know that I would place her with you OR her father. Just because you moved to the UK doesn't mean you're in any place to take care of her. Why were you given custody of your son and not your daughter? Any strike you had against you would play into account in regard to custody of both, not just your son. If CPS won't investigate, call them again. And again, and again and again until they do.

If your custody agreement ends in April 2005, it is your responsibility to go back to the court to make sure you have an agreement in place for when the original agreement expires. I'm sure your financial situation is difficult, as supporting a child from abroad can be expensive. Have you contacted a Legal Aid attorney in the state where your daughter lives?

My intention wasn't to "kick you in the gut."  I only know what you originally posted, not the context behind it all.  You should know that I spent part of the afternoon reading about someone else's custody woes/child support gripes and it irritated the crap outta me.  My intention wasn't to direct that irritation at you. I apologise if it was.

That said.. In general, I don't understand when a mother leaves her children to move to the UK.  I'm not simply referring to you.  There are several women here who have done it.  I'm not walking in their shoes so I can't guess why they made the choices they did.  But for me, no matter what, I don't think I could leave my child to move 6,000 miles away.  Especially when there's a choice to stay in the US or not.  The helpless victim routine doesn't go over well with me.  Again, I'm not referring to you specifically.  

Save your money.  Get an attorney and go back to court.  What more do you expect people to tell you?  We don't know you or your situation.  Last I checked, none of us are attornies either.

First, there are a few attornies on here.  There are also people who've been in similar though not exact situations who will be able to give support if not advise.
 
I'm at a loss here Kristi.  If you don't have advise and you're upset about someone else's situation and you admit that you can't understand why anyone would be in this situation, then why post?  There are LOADS of other topics on this forum.  Surely you can find other things that you do want to talk about.  

There are actually a few lawyers on this forum, myself included, but that's beside the point, aacchhoo is right, people post here for support and ideas not professional advice so let's try and give each other that ok?

sorry I hadn't realized I'd asked anyone to be an attorney, and was in fact just asking advice, if you didn't have any advice you didn't have to say anything at all. I understand though. Anyhow, case closed I'll just shut up now. And yeah I understand about the severity and the risks involved. Funnily enough I'm not the only person with custody issues....
 No I hadn't thought "expats" could answer my q/ but I was under the impression that this was supposed to also be a support community for ppl away from home as we all seem to have moved country....hmmmm
Thanks

Good grief!  I didn't read a/thing judgemental in my post.  Just trying to help.  People may give you advice but it's probably best to hear it from the horse's mouth since your situation is a bit more complex.  No need to bite my head off.  Sure people have custody issues, it's just that yours sounded a little tricky and I'd hate for you to get 'advice' that wouldn't best suit your situation. 

But you're right, I'll just shut up now.

Good grief! I didn't read a/thing judgemental in my post. Just trying to help. People may give you advice but it's probably best to hear it from the horse's mouth since your situation is a bit more complex. No need to bite my head off. Sure people have custody issues, it's just that yours sounded a little tricky and I'd hate for you to get 'advice' that wouldn't best suit your situation.

But you're right, I'll just shut up now.

Yours was not the only response. 

This part of the discussion is now closed.  Any more responses of an argumentative nature WILL be deleted. 

I've only read the last few responses to the thread, so don't know the details of the case being discussed, but I truly hope that the right decision for the whole family is reached, whatever that is meant to be.

Just wanted to add, though, that I really agree with the ladies who said get advice from someone who is closest to your case - a lawyer within the relevent jurisdiction.  It is so easy for everyone here to speculate, but these speculations are pretty much irrelevent if the local judge doesn't agree.

I don't know of any lawyers who will advise on a public bulletin board.  They can give general points of law, but absolutely nothing specific without a formal agreement.

Good luck, aacchhoo and {{{{hugs}}}}