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Topic: My Five Frustrations so far  (Read 5370 times)

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Re: My Five Frustrations so far
« Reply #15 on: April 16, 2020, 01:37:41 PM »
And in Scotland (particularly Glasgow, but you see it everywhere) Catholics versus Protestants is still very much a heavy thing.
Hadn't even thought of that but that's a VERY valid point PB!

I think people here aren't massively open about their personal religion for the most part in the UK, but even less so when in a place that has the Protestant vs Catholic pull more strongly.

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My, how time flies....

* Married in the US and applied for first spousal visa August 2013
* Moved to the UK on said visa October 2013
* FLR(M) applied for  May 2016. Biometrics requested June 2016. Approval given July 2016.
* ILR applied for January 2019 (using priority processing). Approved February 2019.
* Citizenship applied for May  2019
* Citizenship approved on July 4th 2019
* Ceremony conducted on August 28th 2019

'Mommy, Wow! I'm a legit Brit now!'


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Re: My Five Frustrations so far
« Reply #16 on: April 16, 2020, 02:57:25 PM »
Oooh ,a good book to read also for humour is 'Very British Problems' - it nails the culture on the head as well. Their Facebook page is also hilarious. 
I've never gotten food on my underpants!
Work permit (2007) to British Citizen (2014)
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Re: My Five Frustrations so far
« Reply #17 on: April 16, 2020, 03:07:49 PM »
I found the post I made about culture shock, it has all the info you need


https://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?topic=93636.msg1230703#msg1230703


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Re: My Five Frustrations so far
« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2020, 06:21:23 PM »

Hi
What you wrote seem mostly true and relevant to what I have experienced.
I have been here for almost over 18months but adjustment to this country has been not easy

I've been here 8 months - not long - but it has been very unstable/unsettled so far (moving house 4 times, changing cities, etc).

Man. I am finding certain bits so hard! Just need to vent and hope that SOMEBODY agrees with these feelings!

- WARNING - RAW FEELINGS AHEAD -

1. Emotional Immaturity
Seems like people here about as emotionally mature as a dead cat. I've only felt that I've matured in this area the year previous to moving here- but its made a major difference in my life! I know my feelings now, can name them, can celebrate them and "control" them. I've learned to communicate so much better. But it all seems useless here...people don't have language to talk about the "real" bits of themselves. People don't know how? don't want to? They won't listen, they cut me off, tell me to "chill out", which has never helped anyone chill out! Ever. Bottom line is I think deeply, which can be a gift and a service to others, but people don't know how to interface with that. It leaves me feeling isolated, lonely, and like the "weird foreign guy". And no, I don't just walk into a room, start talking, and go way to deep! I wait for real conversations, share small bits or ask a thoughtful question, and people still are freaked out! Is everyone so emotionally immature that they can't even listen to such things? It makes me feel rejected and pull more into myself.

2. No one to process with
I am an external processor; I do my best thinking aloud. It helps me not worry, not be anxious, get my thoughts out into the air, and only pick the ones that are true and helpful to take in. When I don't have the chance to think aloud, I definitely become an overthinker and a worrier. Having no one to share with makes me angry with the culture, makes me more judgmental of it. It keeps me distant instead of leaning in.

3. Crappy Cultural Guides
I don't know how to learn about a culture other than 1. watching it and 2. asking questions about what you see. Problem is people don't answer the questions. I'm not talking "Why do you like tea", but more the social interactions: "I noticed you said ______ but did ____ instead. can you help me understand that?" I WANT to learn about this place! I DO think its interesting! I DO think its a cool culture! But Scots are seemingly such a "nation of losers" (not an insult, just in contrast to the American Dream mindset) that they can't answer Q's about their own culture! So I am left just observing the culture, getting rejected when I ask questions, being left to judge for myself what a particular interaction meant or represented. I invariably get that judgment wrong, butcher my next social interaction, don't get any clarification, and just want to pull more and more inward. I just can't fathom a culture that refuses to talk about its own culture. It's downplayed so much - why? Why isn't culture considered a bigger factor? Why does nobody realise that I am not a native and that things wont come easily to me? It doesn't matter if I speak English....we live different lives. Man, I wish somebody would just come alongside and help me understand! it would be such a game changer for me and my sociologist brain. I feel like such a dunce without it.

4.Passivity
OK, I recognise this one is probably the least true out of all of these; again this is just how I feel. I come from New England, land of "say what you mean and mean what you say", and I find polite British society so fake! It feels so disingenuous and artificial...even more than the South in America does to me (ok, I am a real Yankee, a proper Mainer and avid unionist haha). Anyway, I'm amazed by the display of bravado from most men who are actually too afraid to say how they feel. They play tough guy but when something hard needs to be said, or a tough decision needs to be made, they wimp out. I find that so hard, because thats not what ive been taught a mature man looks like! I am not saying he needs to be domineering or chauvinistic, but at least men and women would hopefully have the courage to speak their mind. Nobody takes the helm in decisions or conversations, and I feel like sometimes I spend an hour waiting for some decision to be made...Please, somebody, MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

5. Hospitality
I guess this is sum of the others, but people have 1. not introduced themselves to me 2. not made any effort to acknowledge me as the "new guy" 3. not offer any help on how to do my new job well, but gladly come yelling when Ive done it wrong 4. not help me meet other new people.


OK, rant over. I am not even going to go back and edit that. It was cathartic just to type. I know its not all right, not all helpful, not all kind, but let me say - I am grateful for the folks I have met (just a couple really) who have made efforts in these areas and acknowledged, yes, it is hard to move overseas. Scotland is a beautiful place and I look forward to making it home with my fiancé (Who struggles with a lot of these same things, and I KNOW she loves me- which helps me see, these are first cultural issues, not personal ones).

PLEASE feel free to give some advice. I have received none. I don't know how to learn about the culture, I feel like im at a dead end. Just please note that I am intentionally getting my all my feelings out, and on an average day I probably don't feel this strongly or judgmental about any of these things. I know, in fact, that I have expressed some of the same feelings here that I am complaining about.

Thanks to this community that has welcomed me and helped me. I love you UK and hope you can stomach my strong wording :)


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Re: My Five Frustrations so far
« Reply #19 on: April 19, 2020, 08:03:29 PM »
I'm sorry that you're struggling.  It's always difficult to move to a new location.

I 4th (?) Watching the English.  It's quite funny.  I also found Bill Bryson quite relevant, though I can't remember the particular books.  Notes from a Small Island perhaps?

You sound like quite an intense person.  I think I was when I first moved here, both down to natality and age.  These things that you're asking for are actually quite a lot from a relative stranger.  Most people just want a casual chat over tea or beers, not to interface with people.  I don't know what that even is, but it sounds all consuming.  And on that point, I'm a particularly high strung individual, something that British friends tell me is very American.  Brits do seem a lot more chilled out and relaxed to me than my American friends and family.

For emotional immaturity, I think you're getting a bit of the stiff upper lip.  It eases with time and deeper friendships in my experience.  Same with external processing.  Though the pub after work is really great for pushing that along!  If you're invited, go!  Or ask if others want to join you for a quick one (they say that, it means exactly the opposite in my experience).

Crappy cultural guides.  I honestly, hand on heart, found comedy and news programs helped me the most.  My sister now watches the latest of Have I Got News for You and things like The Mash Report, every time she visits to re-catch up.  It's amusing, mocking, self deprecating, and somehow explains a lot about culture.  Though I lean left politically so your mileage may vary.

Hospitality.  Nope.  Never going to happen.  Sorry.  And it's annoying, isn't it?  I'm obnoxious about introductions  I flat out run up to people, play on being American because it allows me to be cheerful and forward, and joke about the British talking for hours but never exchanging names.  I own that it's obnoxious, but that I really like to be introduced around and know who I'm speaking with.

Britain is not religious as a whole.  It's one of my favourite things about living here.  I come from the South of the States.  I do not know anyone who is religious and most of friends and acquaintances are openly anti-religious, as am I.  Any mention of church, god, etc and I'm out of there.  While I may not be the norm, I'm not alone, and I think that being openly religious in a non-religious environment may prove a difficult hurdle to get over when speaking with people you've only recently met.


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Re: My Five Frustrations so far
« Reply #20 on: April 27, 2020, 03:34:36 PM »
I'm sorry that you're struggling.  It's always difficult to move to a new location.

I 4th (?) Watching the English.  It's quite funny.  I also found Bill Bryson quite relevant, though I can't remember the particular books.  Notes from a Small Island perhaps?

You sound like quite an intense person.

For emotional immaturity, I think you're getting a bit of the stiff upper lip.  It eases with time and deeper friendships in my experience.  Same with external processing.  Though the pub after work is really great for pushing that along!



Reading Watching The English now. It is interesting and confirms that in another life I should just be an anthropologist. My natural patterns of thought are strikingly similar to a social scientist (no wonder I have no friends).

Yup. I am intense. Yup, I am expecting a lot from folk. Coming to terms with that I think. It is going to take more time.



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