Trust, and KNOWING that you are the one. Help!?

The web and the whole LDR format gives controlling socially inadequate abusive types the means to identify and isolate their victims.

Bingo!

I've been in a LDR with my boyfriend now for a year and a half, and we've been good friends for another year on top of that.  It's my first LDR.  He's had at least a couple of others, both of which ended badly.  He was lied to and jerked around and betrayed.

In spite of those bad experiences, he has never once hinted that he has less than 100% complete trust in me and our relationship.  I trust him just as much.  He's got several female friends that he chats with often, and I don't worry in the slightest.  I have a Facebook account (granted, I rarely check it) that he's never seen, since he doesn't use it, and I can add whomever I please.  I'm free to spend time and communicate with friends, including male friends (including male friends I've dated in the past!), and it doesn't worry him a bit.  Because he's a grown-up, and he knows that my feelings for him are genuine, and he trusts me.

I'm not saying all this to gloat.  What I'm trying to point out is that there is no excuse for the sort of controlling behavior you described.  And, as lots of other people have pointed out, even though it starts with something seemingly inconsequential... it gets worse. 

You've received some very good advice here. I just wanted to add something about panic attacks, since DH gets them.

You are not responsible for your fiance's panic attacks (and your fiance is not responsible for yours).

You can both get treatment for panic attacks -whether that is counseling, hypnotherapy, medication or a combination of these.

Intentionally trying to avoid behavior that causes panic attacks (e.g. not doing things that might upset your fiance), will just make them worse in the long run.

The way that DH has been able to reduce the amount of panic attacks that he gets is by intentionally forcing himself to do things that he thinks will make him panic.

And telling someone, "I had a panic attack because of something that you did" is manipulative and cruel.

Julie.bug – in my previous marriage, my ex kept things from me and was very secretive about his “online” escapades. Which eventually led to A LOT of resentment on my part and eventually our demise. I am not a controlling or jealous person and would have happily been a part of his shenanigans.

In my relationship now, My DF and I have all each other’s passwords and are friends with each other on Facebook. Why would you not be? Especially that you stated you can still see each others pages? Just a question, not chastising you but am curious why you feel the need to segregate each other from each other’s “private” lives.

Sorry to interrupt the thread as I just saw this. 

To answer this, my dh came out of a 7 year long term relationship.  I was so deeply in love with her and she ran off with someone else.  By the time we met 4 years later, he had sworn never to get that hurt again.  It was very hard for me to mention anything like the whole office went out for lunch today, blah blah blah.  My dept was full of a lot of men and was often hard to say so-and-so said the funniest thing or I gave this report to so and so.  I just quit talking about "the office" or any triggers that made him go in a huff or act weird.  Not saying that it was ideal nor was it controlling, just awkward, given his relationship history. 

At first I did give him passwords to my email, which really, after so many years is unnecessary.  I don't think he ever checked in all those years anyway.  We have been married for nearly 11 years and have three children.  We are getting older.  I'm 36; he's 48.  At this juncture, I think we're too tired and too old to pursue friendships, much less relationships...    We are at a comfort level in our lives where we can have lives apart from each other.  He can do his thing; I can do mine.  We are no longer at that point in our marriage/relationship where we feel like we have to be joined at the hip, so to speak!    So for the facebook, he has his network.  I have mine.  We'll talk about it sometimes, who we've contacted, emails, those hearts people send that drive my husband crazy (LOL), etc  but nothing on there that we fear will jeopardize our marriage.  Plus, we've got relatives and friends in common so I can always peak at his page and he can look at mine.  I wouldn't say its 100% private like we're hiding anything, but I can express myself without offending him and receive my hearts and hugs too without it showing up everytime on his page (although I have shown him how to hide it).

Anyway, it's hard to judge the whole situation just from an isolated incidence.  I can certainly identify with his feelings and hers.  We became very afraid and scared in the first year or so.  I mean, to uproot your life and seeing it all change before your very eyes, is so difficult.  He (my DH) did it now I'm doing it.  It makes your mind think of worst case scenarios, what-ifs, fear, and everything in between, right? 

I just hope everything works out for the best! Only Katrinacov knows what his personality is like most of the time and this is one thing.  If things go sour there's always couples counseling or individual. 

Best of luck. 

I just wanted to say that I am kind of surprised by statements about not socializing with members of the opposite sex- coworkers, for example.

I can understand if someone prefers to have friends of the same sex, or if their closest friends are members of the same sex, but not having any typeof social contact at all with members of the opposite sex other than your partner/spouse seems very strange to me.

I mean, I have been socializing with boys ever since we were in school and we helped each other with our homework.

And an office is going to have both men and women in it who,at some point, are going to have to talk to each other.

If you join a club or a social group, it may have both male and female members.

I just can't see how anyone can expect you to go all day long without any type of social interaction with a member of the opposite sex.

I know...It gets sticky when someone is particularly jealous, insecure, or heartbroken from a situation like my DH.  My friends have always been male from preschool to present!  I have never particularly enjoyed the company of other women.  I have a lot of interests that guys like and enjoy that most men are less emotional, petty (in my opionin, anyway).  In retrospect, I wonder if it is a cultural thing?  My DH always said he never new any girls whose friends were exclusively male...except me!   

Well, he had to get over the whole office thing too.  Slowly I would bring up male co-workers and maybe jokes they would tell me.  I think my dh was afraid mhy officemates were "stealing his thunder" as my husband's sense of humour is what is so appealing to me.  Anyway, as time went on and he became more trusting of me, things got better.  Now we are able to joke about things.  I can say, "there's a cutie" or something and my husband will say, "Please, Julie, run off with him and spare me a life with you."  Then I'll say, "Well, maybe I will."  We both just laugh.   We try to make it fun.    In other words, time heals. 

The jealousy/insecurity/fear will either have to get better or the relationship will eventually be so damaged that the two can't go on.  That's my experience with that. 

This whole post has reminded me of my ex...and he's my ex for a reason. He started out like this (and we were living together when it did), moved onto isolating me from my family (that lived very close by), we moved 200 miles from everyone I knew, and then the physical abuse started...

I really think the OP should consider if this is how she wants to live the rest of her live with a controlling, paranoid person...leopards don't change their spots so don't think that once you're 'together forever' he's gonna change. Just my experience & 2p.

Well, my DH was insecure during our LDR (more like an online relationship, as we spent most of our time together on Skype and didn't see each other but once every few months) and he definitely isn't controlling or insecure anymore now that I am here. However, I have been with a very controlling person in the past, so I understand the concern. I think it's up to you to find out if this is just an isolated incident due to the distance making it hard on the relationship (it will do that) or whether it will possibly become a serious problem. You obviously really love the guy, so you have to give it a shot, because otherwise if you were to duck tail and run over a bit of insecurity then you might miss out on being with someone you truly love and regret it later. However, if it does turn into a situation where you feel as though he is being too controlling, then you have to get out as soon as possible. In my experience, a bit of insecurity is nothing, but if the person is really controlling then they start making emotionally abusive comments that make you feel bad about yourself in order to get what they want, and it doesn't sound like this is the case (at least not at this point in time). I would stay with him, if I had the feelings that you have, and see what happens. Just tread carefully.

I think Jewlz is spot on.  I can attest to the fact that a person's behaviour does change depending on the circumstances, and we're talking about insecure behaviour which may indicate the potential for abusive behaviour but doesn't mean that person is an abuser.

I think people should be very careful about characterising people who exhibit this behaviour in black and white, especially considering that many people have had this issue come up in their marriage/relationship and have gone on to have long, healthy, stable, and non-abusive relationships.

The OP needs to set her boundaries, and keep the warnings about the potential for problems in mind.  But we're not robots, and you will encounter all sorts of baggage in relationships.  Some are things that are deal breakers.  Some do not exactly play out to be what everyone says they do.

I think people should be very careful about characterising people who exhibit this behaviour in black and white, especially considering that many people have had this issue come up in their marriage/relationship and have gone on to have long, healthy, stable, and non-abusive relationships.

Yes, I agree with this. I think people are jumping to conclusions about this guy based on one incident, which may just be caused by stress and insecurity over a long distance relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean the guy is a controlling abuser just because he got a bit jealous over Facebook. Lots of people do.

UPDATE:

Well I had a discussion with my fiance (with much argueing and talking) and I now has reactivated my facebook.  He explained it was an issue of being apart, and I do think that the time and distance is getting to us both.  We had a long chat and I did tell him that him being controlling and him getting angry over things I say therefore making me afraid to tell him things were two things I disliked about him...he told me my two...so we discussed and worked through it.

This time and distance apart...is very hard.

This time and distance apart...is very hard.

It always is. It sounds like you are on the right track. Communication is key in any relationship, but even more so, I think, when you are living so far apart.