Trust, and KNOWING that you are the one. Help!?

I need advise.  I am so worried.

So I am flying over to Manchester in 21 days to be with my fiance.  We have been apart 4 almost 5 months when I get there.  I adore him.  He seriously is my life.  He lived with me over here for about 7 months, and we both admit that those were the best time in our life.  We are getting married and plan to have a baby. 

BUT This morning he got mad/worried whatever at me. 

So this is the set up:  I talk to him in the morning before work...cam.  I call him my entire lunch break, I chat with him on Skype during the day when its slow at work, I rush home every night and cam and chat with him until he goes to bed.  I cam and chat with him every single weekend ALL day.  I write him a million emails in between then.  I am using my entire tax return and the money I made selling my ex wedding ring for him.  So as you can see I am totally and compltely madly in love with him.  I plan on moving there or getting him over here, and I have worked at that.

BUT he is mad because I get on facebook a lot, and he is worried i chat with people...guys...which I can tell you now..I do not.  He is mad because i recently added a guy I went to high school with...I actually didnt talk to this guy ever, but i add pple who i went to school with...so  now my fiance is mad, and is thinking things. 

Add to it.  he said last night he couldnt sleep bc he was afraid i was leaving him.  So it told him that he is my life, and i wud delete facebook or delete all the guys off it.  A little extreme but I would do anything for him. 

Update he wrote me and said he thinks i shud read facebook destroyed my relationship on google.

Please advise.  i know the distance can be hard.  I dont know how to concole him.  We are very connected.   

How old is he?  This sounds like very immature behaviour to me and honestly IMO, there is nothing YOU can do.  Being this paranoid and what I would consider controlling is his problem and it may be easier for him to trust you once you are not living apart, but I doubt it will go away completely.  I think that with people who are very insecure, their partner just needs to decide if they can deal with it.  Can you be patient and reassuring EVERY time something like this comes up?  You say now, "I would do antyhing for him", but would that always be the case if he is continually asking you to give up things that make him uncomfortable or jealous? 

I agree, this is his problem. You need to let him know you love him but also let him know that you expect there to be trust in a relationship. A lot of this shouldn't be a problem when you take the long distance bit out of the equation-- BUT it might just get worse. You lived with him before, only you can know how he is when he is closer to you, is it just insecurity because of the distance?

Trust your gut--- but do NOT delete male friends from facebook, do not cut out other parts of your life, you have a right to a life and you won't be happy if it is controlled.

WOW

Don't change for a man, dont expect a man to change for you..
You must still have your own life to become a part of someone elses.
You seem to spend every waking minute and all weekend long? does he have friends? does he get out? do you?

You have to both be secure in yourself and love yourself before you can fully give yourself to someone else.

Remain calm and he must remain calm and TRUST is the key point in any relationship especially a long distant one.  Think hard just because your are forking over all this money and selling a ring and dropping your US life might not be enough for him or you.

I hope it works out as nobody wants heart ache.

Just to echo what everyone else is saying, you shouldn't change anything if you're not doing anything wrong.

This is the behavior of someone who is insecure.  He needs to address his issues and not blame whatever it is he's feeling on you or something as silly as Facebook.  If you just bend to this stuff, it's never going to stop. 

I think it's a safe bet that the cause of him reacting this way probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with something that happened to him before you ever met.  Maybe he was cheated on by an ex or something.

Either way, don't be afraid to calmly talk to him about it.  You both deserve a healthy relationship built on trust and communication, not insecurity and doubt.

Just to echo what everyone else is saying, you shouldn't change anything if you're not doing anything wrong.

This is the behavior of someone who is insecure.  He needs to address his issues and not blame whatever it is he's feeling on you or something as silly as Facebook.  If you just bend to this stuff, it's never going to stop. 

I think it's a safe bet that the cause of him reacting this way probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with something that happened to him before you ever met.  Maybe he was cheated on by an ex or something.

Either way, don't be afraid to calmly talk to him about it.  You both deserve a healthy relationship built on trust and communication, not insecurity and doubt.

Good advice! 

Ditto on my end.  My DH is and always was insecure.  It was because of an ex!  I used to even hate mentioning going out for a luncheon with male co-workers because he would get so weird.  Now that I'm older I don't think he is worried anymore...LOL.  All my friends from HS were guys for the most part.  Recently, my very very first bf contacted me.  I never told my husband that we ever dated.  I email him almost every day as we have children with similar afflictions.  Most of the time I read what J**** has to say and email him back while DH is in the room.  That way he knows he can read whatever I'm typing. 

Another thing I used to do was give my husband my passwords.  I will never do that again.  Don't give in.  That's  my experience in that.  Also, my husband is not my FB friend and he is not mine.  We agreed it was our private place to socialize.  It's very easy to read each other's pages because we have relatives as fb friends in common.

Hope that helps!

((((HUG)))))

I know you must be hurt right now, but it will all be alright soon.  Just get through it and pursue your lives together.  It's all relationship growing pains. 

P.S.  Had another idea. Maybe someone could answer this because I am not super-familiar with FB.  Can you hide your friends list?

I have a bad feeling about this guy. Ask yourself, why is he so keen to have an online relationship? Is it because he can't hack real life ones?

UPDATE:

Well he is mostly over his panic attack.  I read those articles blah blah blah, and I did end up deleting my facebook account.  Im sorta sad, as it was somewhere i could snoop and connect with family etc, but then again maybe I was having an unhealthy addiction to it...checking it 800 million times a day. 

I didnt ever do anything bad on it.  He did tell me after he calmed down that I could go log in again and salvage the account, and explained to me that its just hard being apart, and seeing me add guys that local.  I suppose if roles were reversed I can his point...sorta.  Id like to think I have trust.

So im a defeatist.

I guess I will put all my eggs in the basket.

He did say he wanted me to do what I wanted as he doesnt control me (he knows my ex husband controlled me) but it seems he is turning that way a bit.  I hope not.

Just chiming in with a little personal experience. It sounds like your partner is insecure, I agree with the others on this one, mostly likely it is from a past experience having nothing to do with you. Unfortunately as we get older we carry around more baggage.

A successful relationship ESPECIALLY and long distance one requires communication and trust. Without those two critical elements you are on the slow road to pain and heartache. That said you cannot make a person into someone they are not. He has to be a willing to trust that you love him and would not do anything to jeopardise your relationship.

Julie.bug – in my previous marriage, my ex kept things from me and was very secretive about his “online” escapades. Which eventually led to A LOT of resentment on my part and eventually our demise. I am not a controlling or jealous person and would have happily been a part of his shenanigans.

In my relationship now, My DF and I have all each other’s passwords and are friends with each other on Facebook. Why would you not be? Especially that you stated you can still see each others pages? Just a question, not chastising you but am curious why you feel the need to segregate each other from each other’s “private” lives.

Your question about the friends list –You can only hide your friends list in privacy settings I believe from those whom you are NOT friends with – at least which is what a quick Google search found out for me.

To the OP best of luck to you. I know as well as every person on this forum how difficult being apart can be, it is trying in the best of times for various reasons. There is no room for unfounded jealousy and all this immature behavior.

Peace ~ CMG ~

UPDATE:

Well he is mostly over his panic attack.  I read those articles blah blah blah, and I did end up deleting my facebook account.  Im sorta sad, as it was somewhere i could snoop and connect with family etc, but then again maybe I was having an unhealthy addiction to it...checking it 800 million times a day. 

Katrinakov -

Go revive that account! He is saying he isn't controlling you but by you deleting this account you have given him the green light to emotionally control you. What happens when he has the next emotional outburst...

I am sorry for you and this may come off rude but your reaction is weak...

I'm sorry, I'm going to be honest here.  It sounds like you're both insecure.  It seems like you are worried that if you don't accommodate his irrational feelings that he's going to leave you.  If he were going to end the relationship because of Facebook, then he's not worth being with.  You have both got to stop doubting each other's commitment.

Don't get me wrong, it's totally ok and entirely normal for people to have these feelings of uncertainty. But those are the sort of feelings that need to be talked about, not acted upon.

I would say get back that Facebook account and prove it to yourself and to your partner that you both can trust each other and be two adults in a mature, committed relationship.

Edited to Add: And I say this as someone who has always been kind of a doormat up until the last year or so.  It sucks to give and give and give and not get anything back.  I'm saying all this because I really just want you to be happy, and this situation doesn't seem to be making you very happy at the moment.

UPDATE:

Well he is mostly over his panic attack.  I read those articles blah blah blah, and I did end up deleting my facebook account.  Im sorta sad, as it was somewhere i could snoop and connect with family etc, but then again maybe I was having an unhealthy addiction to it...checking it 800 million times a day.  

I didnt ever do anything bad on it.  He did tell me after he calmed down that I could go log in again and salvage the account, and explained to me that its just hard being apart, and seeing me add guys that local.  I suppose if roles were reversed I can his point...sorta.  Id like to think I have trust.

So im a defeatist.

I guess I will put all my eggs in the basket.

He did say he wanted me to do what I wanted as he doesnt control me (he knows my ex husband controlled me) but it seems he is turning that way a bit.  I hope not.

Oh dear...I would salvage it.  Sorry about the ex/control issue.  I appreciate the other's input about the control issue as I think they are trying to help you not get into a similar situation.  But, on the other hand, are we too quick to judge from a single experience and not the whole picture?  I hope you two can resolve this and move on.  If you can't then it's probably for the best.  Time will tell.  

I think a lot of us forgot the ups and downs, paranoia, jealousy, emotions we went through in a long-distance relationship. This thread has certainly brought up many memories from 11 years ago.  We went through all those things, and we're still together!  

Sending good vibes to you!  Good luck with everything!!!

I'm sorry, I'm going to be honest here.  It sounds like you're both insecure.  It seems like you are worried that if you don't accommodate his irrational feelings that he's going to leave you.  If he were going to end the relationship because of Facebook, then he's not worth being with.  You have both got to stop doubting each other's commitment.

Don't get me wrong, it's totally ok and entirely normal for people to have these feelings of uncertainty. But those are the sort of feelings that need to be talked about, not acted upon.

I would say get back that Facebook account and prove it to yourself and to your partner that you both can trust each other and be two adults in a mature, committed relationship.

Good advice!

UPDATE:

Well he is mostly over his panic attack.  I read those articles blah blah blah, and I did end up deleting my facebook account.  Im sorta sad, as it was somewhere i could snoop and connect with family etc, but then again maybe I was having an unhealthy addiction to it...checking it 800 million times a day. 



He did say he wanted me to do what I wanted as he doesnt control me (he knows my ex husband controlled me) but it seems he is turning that way a bit.  I hope not.

He seems very insecure, I think you would really benefit from listening to the feedback you have received on here.  In my experience, these kinds of insecurity/control dynamics in a relationship only gets worse with time.  I have a bad feeling about this, and i hope your DF will be willing to face his fears and issues at some point.