Wedding and honeymoon and still can't be together

Dear Colt45...lol...who drinks that anymore? Please tell me skid row has not invaded the UK!!! If you drink it, my apologies mate.
Yes you are right I must concur in the way men/women process things, also people process things differently. My wife has a bit of both I think ( male/female and no she is NOT a transexual). She is highly sensitive (HSP) and you can't say "boo" or she will feel attacked. It is a tough thing to deal with on the day to day. Nevertheless she tells me all the time how wonderful I am that I not only meet all her needs, I meet them before she even knows that she needs them. A bit of a contradiction, perhaps even irony, that she does not seem to meet mine in some ways.
She called and apologized and told me that she loves me and doesn't want us to "do this", fight, whatever and wants to talk when she gets home. That is a good sign; nevertheless, I have some very serious issues to bring up with her, the first one being that if she truly believes that I don't like her daughter there is no point in continuing. I can't spend the rest of my life being accused of not liking her daughter just because I get frustrated that she doesn't  pick up after herself.
I am loving, affectionate and generous with her. As she gets older I will have more to relate to. ( See the babying issue in the other post). Right now and because her mom continues to treat her like a 4 year old, it's wearing. The little girl loves me, she always tells me and she has fun with me.
The second thing (if we move past that issue) is security and being taken care of. I believe both partners have a duty to one another. On every single visit, now looking back with a clearer mind, I have not felt "looked after". Now, don't get me wrong, back home I am more than capable to doing whatever I need to do. UK is a foreign country to me, despite a common language. I step outside and couldn't tell you which direction I was facing if you put a gun to my head. Nothing is convenient. Nothing is just around the corner, at least not where she lives. She will easily leave me without food in the house; oftentimes, toilet paper runs out, shampoo runs out, no milk, no bread. If I didn't bring it with me or buy it at Tesco online, I would starve. I don't have a car. She will stop on the way home but I can hear the reluctance in her voice and she always stops at wherever is convenient and that is usually the most expensive. Yet,she always manages to provide for herself in the form of wine or beer. That is another issue that I haven't fully processed yet but is looming. I don't feel looked after. When she came to visit me, even though a major grocery store was 3 blocks down, I took care of her every need and like she says, anticipated it. This is a huge issue. I don't know what to do about it. IF I don't start to feel a change then I this is only a one sided relationship. And based on this alone, I WILL NEVER MOVE HERE. I havent felt safe thus far.
Money: "we" bought a car last year. "We" make payments. She doesn't earn enough to afford her expenses. I contribute to that of course. She is my wife. And I did so before as well. Yet, she is resentful when I give my imput on ways to tighten HER belt. I am doing my part at home. She doesn't like to be dependent on me, but what she feels is really beholden to me. Fair enough. Maybe if she cut down her smoking and drinking she would have the money to meet her expenses. She said she would but hasn't.
Fighting styles: I think we can compromise but going to bed angry is not the type of relationship I can tolerate. It will wreck me. Holding grudges, nope. She admitted to having to work on this. That is a good sign. As for my part I will give her time to process and not engage her right away to resolve things.  That's hard for me to do since I am a fixer.
Drinking: I think she drinks too much. One bottle of wine per night on average is too much I think. Maybe it's a BRIT thing. My last wife was an alcoholic and it ended the marriage. I would be lying if I said I am not a hypersensitive because of this. I am not a tea totteler. I drink alcohol but in super moderation, maybe once or twice a week if that.
Smoking. I hate it. It's gross. She knows it. She lied about it for 8 months into our relationship and then thought I was going to break up with her for it. I didn't. Would I like her to quit like she promised? Hell yes! I want her to live a long life with me and we don't have much of it left at our ages.
So there you go. A litany of my issues. Thank you all for indulging me in sharing this. It helps me get a clear head for our convo later.
Cheers

Thought you might like to know what I do love about her. She is a dead sexy, alluring woman, brilliant and well educated. She is an RN and goes above and beyond to assist her patients. She is so loving and kind to them. She is a loving and kind mother and very understanding of their feelings. She is hardworking. Ethical beyond belief. She is honorable and does the right thing by all of mankind. She would not hurt a fly but she is a black belt in Karate. She has a zest for life and has triumphed over much adversity. When I feel loved by her, it is the best feeling in the world. She is sensitive to me when the world gets me down. She is funny and loves to laugh. We have the same weird sense of humor. She dresses with sophistication and flare and smells delicious. Her manners are high class and polished. She takes my breath away still.

I'm simplifying, but:

She drinks a bottle of wine per night, and you don't like drinking.
She smokes, and you don't like smoking (and she lied to you about not smoking when you met).
She swears at you, and you're sensitive to verbal abuse.
The two of you have divergent ideas about parenting.
The two of you have divergent ideas about money.
The two of you have divergent ideas about housekeeping.
The two of you are hyper-sensitive to criticism.
You, specifically, don't feel comfortable in the UK.

Did I miss anything important?

If you only had 1 or 2 of these issues you might be able to work it out between yourselves, but you've got all 8 of them.  If I were in your shoes, I'd get some marriage counseling.

If she won't go to counselling, bail out.

It's so hard to know what's right and what isn't in other people's relationships.  Only you can make these decisions, pimmscrazy, but if you're looking for responses from others, I have to say that I would not stay in a relationship like the one you describe.  At least, I don't think I would.  It's tough to think clearly when it's someone you love.  However, the one thing about my husband that makes me forgive some of the niggling annoyances about him--normal, I think, to have little niggles--is that he is always completely supportive of me and always loving.  When we fight, which is almost never, we never try to hurt each other with words or with actions.  For me, these two things are essential.  The foul language and grudge holding that you describe would destroy me.  My husband likes to sulk, and that is upsetting enough. 

I guess I'd advise you to be as objective as possible of the pros and cons of remaining in the relationship.  Also, don't move to the UK.  It sounds as though you don't like it here, and that discomfort with your living situation will just exacerbate and be exacerbated by the problems in your relationship.  Maybe a fresh start in California? 

I'm simplifying, but:

She drinks a bottle of wine per night, and you don't like drinking.
She smokes, and you don't like smoking (and she lied to you about not smoking when you met).
She swears at you, and you're sensitive to verbal abuse.
The two of you have divergent ideas about parenting.
The two of you have divergent ideas about money.
The two of you have divergent ideas about housekeeping.
The two of you are hyper-sensitive to criticism.
You, specifically, don't feel comfortable in the UK.

Did I miss anything important?

If you only had 1 or 2 of these issues you might be able to work it out between yourselves, but you've got all 8 of them.  If I were in your shoes, I'd get some marriage counseling.

If she won't go to counselling, bail out.

Some good advice here & from others.

Seems to me that you've just run into 'this is real life now' vs the romance of LDR. It's great that she's all attractive & well dressed & talented etc...but the summary outlined here by camoscato are all real 'nuts and bolts' issues of most people's day-to-day lives. DH & I spent considerable time making sure that our everyday lifestyles (for us - sloppy, lazy, procrastinators, bad housekeepers, stinky, etc) were fundamentally in sync before taking the plunge, and taking the longterm view - were less concerned about how we looked & what we were wearing & how we smelled (as long as things didn't get too whiffy anyway). 

I wish you well with your evening's conversation & the airing of the grievances. You have made a good list of her virtues and vices, but what of your own? I'm not saying you need to do this here nor should you, but sometimes it's also useful/helpful to put yourself in the other person's shoes as well - what do you think would be her list of your virtues and vices?

The other thing that keeps coming to mind for me is - does she really want to uproot herself & her child to the US, honestly & truly?  Because if not, then it would seem you have a problem with your not wanting to be here either.

Also, are you living completely out in the country or something - no nearby bus stop or a rail station? Just thinking practically on how you could get out & about, get to the shops, etc.

Here's to you Mrs. Robinson, you got some but not all correct in your summary.
We both like a neat and orderly house with not many nic naks. The only thing we differ on is the amount of toilet tissue etc we might keep in reserve. No big deal. Yes, I wish the kid picked up more after herself and my wife wishes it too but sadly lacks follow through admittedly.
I am not hyper sensitive to criticism. I welcome it constructively. I take it in. Ponder it. If its "my bad" I say it.
As for my faults, I certainly do have them. I am opinionated and think I am always right. I can be arrogant. I don't clean house well and that is why I hire a cleaning lady. I do pick up after myself. I wish I wasn't so emotive and emotional at times. I wish I could just keep my mouth shut sometimes. I am obsessive by nature and my brain is on all the time. Type A. I am affected by my past more than I like...mother issues and past relationships. I am worthless at anything electronic. I don't get mad easily but when I do, look out. I get frustrated with other's incompetence. I am a bad speller. And there is so much more but there you go.

...you got some but not all correct in your summary.
We both like a neat and orderly house with not many nic naks. The only thing we differ on is the amount of toilet tissue etc we might keep in reserve. No big deal. Yes, I wish the kid picked up more after herself and my wife wishes it too but sadly lacks follow through admittedly.
I am not hyper sensitive to criticism. I welcome it constructively. I take it in. Ponder it. If its "my bad" I say it.

Ah, well, I must've read all this wrong then.  Have a good chat with the wife tonight and I'm sure you two will get it all straightened out in no time.

I am opinionated and think I am always right. I can be arrogant...<snip>...  I wish I wasn't so emotive and emotional at times. I wish I could just keep my mouth shut sometimes. I am obsessive by nature and my brain is on all the time. Type A...

Perhaps some of these traits bring your wife to shut down emotionally & tune you out? That's what it would seem the 'eff you' stuff is at least partially about? Please know I'm not defending her actions at all, but successful communication often requires both effort and restraint on the part of both parties. Of course, too much alcohol can further complicate things too - difficult to have a rational conversation with that in the picture.

Also, I was going to say there have been times when I felt my DH wasn't 'looking after' me, when in fact, he just simply wasn't used to the idea or practice of looking after another adult person. We solved that partly by my learning how to be more independent here in what was (then) a foreign country to me & doing things for myself, and partly by his needing to increase his awareness of what he could do to help me. Could it be that between her job and looking after her child that your wife doesn't feel she has the resources, time or energy to tend to you in the ways you would like?

Just some things to consider & to take with a grain of salt. 

Well the discussion with my wife went as smoothly as sand paper. She wouldn't even let me say it without interrupting me and before I even got to other issues twisted my words around and told me that I married the wrong wife. She addressed a few points:1) that no partner is going to tell her what to do with drinking and 2) we will always disagree over her daughter and she can't guarantee that in the future she won't say "I don't like her".
She went into attack mode. Totally defensive.
Believe me I said things gently. Used " I " statements. She wouldn't even let me preface things by telling her all the wonderful things about her and that I love her and I want to have a good marriage with her.
Deep breath.....
I am beyond tears. I guess there is no where to go if she won't even listen to my feelings let alone validate them.
It is unthinkable that I would not give her the courtesy of listening to her feelings. I would listen to her with all my heart and soul and let her pour her feelings out. If she wanted to cry. She could cry. She told me as I started to break down..."don't get emotional".
Where do I go from here??? Sounds like she is done with me for even airing my feelings. She told me this must be the shortest marriage in history.

She wasn't willing to listen to you very much, but she was completely honest about the drinking and her child. I think it's important to look at those things. Those are two of your issues that may never be resolved. You need to ask yourself if you will ever be okay with that.

Even if you make up today, or tomorrow, or the next day, I would go back to the US and have a serious think about it all. I would not move to the UK, not even as a back up, until some serious ongoing dialogue about all of this stuff took place. If she can't or won't engage with you on that level, then you'll probably have your answer.