How did the move effect you before and after?

Did you feel like something changed before you left?

Did you feel like you changed when you got there?

Did your relationship (if you had one) w/ your brit SO change in the process of finalizing your plans for permancy and ending the long distance?

How much did you relationship change once you arrived?

Currently I am feeling some changes I didn't expect and would like to know what others have felt and you dealt with it.

I appreciate any/all responses!

The guy i originally moved to Scotland to be with dumped me 3 months after i got here.

So pretty much EVERYTHING changed for me.  Nothing went according to plan.   I expected to be living with him, in a relationship with him, etc, but 3 months later i was living in a hotel, nursing a broken heart, and trying to work out what to do next.  I was really young and naive, had never lived on my own before, and had no clue about trying to find a flat or anything like that.

BUT... I learned! 
I may have learnt a few things the hard way, the expensive way, but i learned, and it made me become a very strong, capable and independent person.   

Well this is a tough one for me as I got married right before moving here, so my relationship changed not only by moving but by becoming a wife.  So i'll try to answer:

Did you feel like something changed before you left?

No.  I do think we were both so nervous and excited we didn't have time to have things change.  The only thing that changed was once i was coming, and the wedding was rolling near i could NOT be on the phone with him.  I was so impatient about it all and wanted the day to come, i couldn't deal with the really long phone conversations as i'd be nervous and antsy to be married and done with it all!

Did you feel like you changed when you got there?

Yeah, but i do think this is because i moved into role of 'wife'.  I've changed quite a bit, i'm not as crazy loud as i used to be but when i'm wtih my friends from home i easily slip into that person again.  She's still here, just hiding for a bit. 

Did your relationship (if you had one) w/ your brit SO change in the process of finalizing your plans for permancy and ending the long distance?

See number one.   

How much did you relationship change once you arrived?

Well we became very comfortable and happy.....it's been great. WE've had our crazy passionate weeks and our comfortable happy to be spending our lives together weeks.....we go up and down on the passion richter scale but we're always happy.



Any more q's....just ask.  I know it's a fun, scary, confusing time.  I felt all of those emotions and hundreds more!

Did you feel like something changed before you left?

Yes. Definitely. I was going through all kinds of weird stuff before I left ... all leading to my moving over here. I had an ugly breakup after seeing this man on and off for 12 years. I finally got back on my feet after a year of crying and feeling depressed and feeling really sorry for myself -- at this point I decided that it would be a good idea to shake things up a bit and move overseas. I just wanted a big change because I saw myself 10 years down the line doing the exact same things and not moving forward at all. I hate stagnation. Anyway, at that point, I was thinking of either Canada or the UK (for language reasons). But I decided not to move because my mom was getting older and lived near me and would need me around more and more. I decided I'd have to just put thoughts of moving completely out of my mind. So I got a new job and hoped that would be enough of a change to keep me going. It wasn't. But then, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. After a horrendous 2-year struggle, she died. Then I moved. So, yeah, I went through a very emotional 3-4 years immediately prior to my move.

Did you feel like you changed when you got there?

Absolutely. I felt immediately lighter, happier and more free. It was incredible how a mere change of location could do that, but it did. When I spoke on the phone to friends in the US, they'd invariably tell me, "You sound different! You sound so happy!" I felt like I'd left my old predictable life behind me and started something new and exciting. It was exhilerating.

Did your relationship (if you had one) w/ your brit SO change in the process of finalizing your plans for permancy and ending the long distance?

How much did you relationship change once you arrived?

Those don't really apply to me -- I met my SO after moving over here. But I don't think I would ever have been in the right emotional frame of mind to meet someone if I hadn't moved. Moving made me a better and happier person.

What sort of feeling are you experiencing now, pittpanther? Are you regretting your move? Whatever it is, I hope you can work through it. Hugs xxx

Did you feel like something changed before you left?

I think dh and I got a bit closer in the final weeks before my move - he came over and met my family, got to know my friends, etc. which also helped put my friends and family more at ease with my decision. Things between me and my family stayed largely the same, but with my friends it got sort of weird - they knew I was going and were sad and I think were starting to kind of distance themselves a bit from me to ease the separation. We still saw each other the day before I left but it was a little awkward. I have to admit that for about a week or so before dh came to collect me I cried a lot and went through a bit "what am I doing" phase, but I knew it was too late to turn back (well, not technically, but I'm stubborn) so I just sucked it up. Thank goodness I did!!!

Did you feel like you changed when you got there?

I think I stayed the same for the most part - I'm pretty secure with who I am, so I think I'm pretty much the same. I went through a brief insecure period where I was sort of paralyzed to take care of myself and quite self-conscious but that's totally gone now. I'm possibly a little more dependent now, but I think that came with getting married and now being out of work. My priorities have changed quite a bit though - whereas career used to be the priority and I was a bit on the selfish side I'm now more concerned with my marriage and happiness in our life together....

Did your relationship (if you had one) w/ your brit SO change in the process of finalizing your plans for permancy and ending the long distance?

I think we were both nervous, especially me. We did row a tiny bit over where I should live (i.e. with him or on my own at first)  - I projected my fear on to him and made some very wrong assumptions about what he wanted/didn't want. But once we got past that we were fine. For me it was lifesaving to talk to others who had done the same thing - it's natural to try to get comfort from your bf but no matter how sympathetic he is, there's no way on earth he can truly understand what you're going through. My dh is a relatively understanding bloke but he's got no clue what it's really and truly like to uproot yourself from a life you've known... well, all your life... and start from scratch.

How much did you relationship change once you arrived?

Everything changed, really.... I think it has to when you go from not seeing each other for weeks or months at a time to seeing each other constantly. We lived for a month with his brother who wasn't exactly a neat freak and smoked like a chimney so I was quite miserable and anxious to find a place we could move to. It was my first time living with a boyfriend so there was that adjustment to make. I wasn't working and he was, so I took on house duties for two while I'd always lived on my own, answered to no one and took care of just myself.  I didn't really know anyone to speak of (two friends in London and one in Leeds but that was it) so there was a lot of pressure on him to keep me happy which was bad, bad, bad and led to lots of big rows. Once I started making friends, working, and generally adjusting it all smoothed out and we ended up getting married. 

Don't worry, pp - it's a huge, life-changing thing to be doing and it's to be expected that things are going to feel a bit tumultuous for a while.

Did you feel like something changed before you left?

Yes! I felt detached from where I was ...I wasn't happy in VA ( Job prospects , Racial attitudes , Military/Armed forces glorification )and when I was there the options avail there were not great ...so when I got the green light from the internship program and acceptances to Universities I applied for...I had a feeling of a new future or at least new options

Did you feel like you changed when you got there?
Yes I felt as a person more than I did in the states ...not just a person of colour ...I didn't get quickly pigeon-holed (mind you things are changing and as soon as they hear an American accent  some people want to pigeon hole you 
I became more liberal and learned about things I wasn't exposed to when I was in Norfolk. (European way of thinking and living)

Did your relationship (if you had one) w/ your Brit SO change in the process of finalizing your plans for permanency and ending the long distance?
We broke up shortly after coming over as the long distance relationship was taking it's toll ..not to mention I got a place at Kings and not at Oxford Brookes

How much did you relationship change once you arrived?
I got a flat in S. London and it was a different vibe compared to the my ex's friends so weird enough I started seeing him differently and vice-versa...this was late 90's so it was the "Men behaving badly" attitude and look...when I met him in the states it was kitchy or different from the "Thug" style or " Country/Classic rock" lads you saw around in Norfolk..but when I got to London I had more to choose from  We realized that we didn't have a lot of things in common to continue to have an intimate relationship so we became friends

Currently I am feeling some changes I didn't expect and would like to know what others have felt and you dealt with it.
I basically realized how independent I could be and how I can rely on myself...I also realized how closed my eyes were and that I was leading a more materialistic life in the US. I got homesick my first 2 years that I was here mainly because I wasn't familiar with the culture and day to day living...once I got settled I don't feel homesick anymore. For the most part I think the changes have more to do with me just getting older than the fact that I moved over to UK.

Thank you everyone. I need to hear all of these stories and experiences b/c everything seems to start turning upside down already. I didn't expect some of the conversations I've been having with my SO. I thought this would be a happy/exciting yet nerve-wracking time for both and it is, but we're showing/handling it differently.

I'm kinda getting sick of using the move and everything surrounding it as my reason for certain feelings/moods. Then I start thinking that this IS the biggest life-changing event I think I've gone through in my short 24yrs of life so I'm entitled to feel this way.  That's when I think I've gone mad to even entertain this idea.

Did you feel like something changed before you left?

Not really.  I mean, I quit my job (well, the year ended...I was a teacher) and moved back home for three months, which was lovely.  Other than that, nothing huge really happened.

Did you feel like you changed when you got there?

I did change.  I turned into ultra-dependent super-naggy clingy housewife.  I followed DH around the house, asked him how long he'd be in the bathroom, couldn't stand for him to be in another room, etc.    Part of that was the excitement of finally being able to live with him after so many years apart, but some of it was just....blah....I guess a lot of it was because I felt so helpless here...I literally didn't know HOW to live here.  I didn't leave the house alone except to go to the grocery store or something.  I just became a housefrau for a while.  I was very happy as a housewife and can't wait to get back to that life, but I know it'll be more fulfilling now because I know how to live here now.

Did your relationship (if you had one) w/ your brit SO change in the process of finalizing your plans for permancy and ending the long distance?

Our relationship didn't change, really.  I think things got a lot more "real"...like we were actually going to get to see each other every single day for the rest of our lives! 

How much did you relationship change once you arrived?

Honestly?  The first three months were sort of bad.  We fought a lot, but I now know that was due to how I was feeling (see second answer).  I didn't really know what to do with myself and had a lot of time on my hands to sit around in a town I hated in a country I didn't know and miss my family or make up off-the-wall scenarios.

After those first few months, though, things got very deep and intense.  Being married is just such a thrill for me and I really can say that DH is my best friend and soulmate.   

Did you feel like something changed before you left?

Yes, I finally -- really & truly -- opened my eyes to what was all around me there in the States vs taking it all for granted in the usual day-to-day humdrum of getting up, going to work, coming home blah blah blah.  It's amazing how many things a person doesn't really *see* every day (or at least I didn't) -- like how much that crappy old job really means to you, what good & caring friends you have, how much there is to see & do right in your own back yard.  Since I knew I was leaving, it was like I was pressed for time & trying to really 'drink it all in' of what I was going to leave behind.  Within the preceding year, I'd changed departments at my job & made a new close friend -- with whom I was hanging out on the occasional weekend and we spent that time doing loads of fun things like going to the beach, local nature preserves etc etc -- so many things that had been there all along but that I'd not made a point of doing, going to see, etc.  My relationship with Steve remained about the same for this period though.

Did you feel like you changed when you got there?

I think the changes in me have been more gradual, but it has been a difficult adjustment.  I went from working everyday & seeing all my friends everyday to being at home alone pretty much all the time, and my cat stayed behind in the States so I didn't even have him for companionship.  I knew no one here other than Steve, his family & one friend of his (who is terribly unreliable in contrast to my old buddies in the States).  Going from being financially independent (even if it was paycheck-to-paycheck) to completely depending on someone else has been hard too.  Also I don't really think I'm meant to be a housewife either!  So for the longest time, I was lonely, bored, depressed, etc...except for when Steve was with me, but I don't think it's really good to be so dependent on another person.  Oh & of course the weather is crap most of the time so that didn't help.  Still -- once we finally got to planning the wedding, I sort of threw myself into that & next it was the honeymoon & then travel to the US & then Christmas/New Years, then buying house, etc -- having a project in the works at all times seemed to help.  (Right now I'm going stir crazy just waiting to start my job.)  Also I've lost nearly 3 stone in weight & it really freaked me out when we went to the States early this month -- I don't crave various US foods the same way that I used to & when I try to eat them, I actually feel sick.  For some reason, that struck me as being particularly weird -- like I don't recognize myself any more!

Did your relationship (if you had one) w/ your brit SO change in the process of finalizing your plans for permancy and ending the long distance?  How much did you relationship change once you arrived?

Of course it changed as we went from LDR to living together to husband/wife.  That part has been mostly good though we've had our lumps & bumps along the way.  We were both used to being pretty independent & headstrong -- not having to ask someone else's opinion about what we're going to do, buy, etc etc.  We each have a tendency to want to 'be the boss' & so we've had (and still are having) to learn better ways of relating, negotiation skills & so on.  In the beginning, Steve was really pretty wishy-washy over the long-term commitment thing -- scared of marriage, unsure, etc...while I was very clingy & (I'm sure) overly dependent...but it's funny how much he's come around & changed now sometimes to the point where I have to peel him off ME just to get some personal space & breathing space at times!

PS -- Pittpanther, I think you're proceeding in a very smart & sensible way, btw.  Give it the year & see how it goes -- it's not like you're doing anything that can't be undone if you change your mind, whereas when I came -- it was basically with the idea that this was forever.  I do think it makes a difference.  I admire you for your approach, just take it in stages & go from there.

Give it the year & see how it goes -- it's not like you're doing anything that can't be undone if you change your mind, whereas when I came -- it was basically with the idea that this was forever.  I do think it makes a difference.  I admire you for your approach, just take it in stages & go from there.

I definitely hear what you're saying, carolyn, but to be fair I think it often takes more than a year.... Some people adjust immediately, but I'd be willing to bet that for the majority it takes a couple of years. For me the first year was about figuring things out - like Lola said, just figuring out how to live here. But the second year has been about how to enjoy it - how to start to fit in once the newness has worn off and the basics of life have become more habitual. Now that everything is familiar to me and I've got the basics down (everything from what laundry soap I like, to vocabulary, to what grocery stores I prefer) I've found this past year has been about relaxing - having more fun with new friends now that we've got to know each other, recognizing people on the street and saying hello, etc.

PS -- Pittpanther, I think you're proceeding in a very smart & sensible way, btw. Give it the year & see how it goes -- it's not like you're doing anything that can't be undone if you change your mind, whereas when I came -- it was basically with the idea that this was forever. I do think it makes a difference. I admire you for your approach, just take it in stages & go from there.

i HIGHLY agree with Carolyn here-you're doing the smart and sensible thing...giving somthing a shot.  And you can see from reading posts all over this board that *sometimes* it doesn't work out but we move on......and get on......

good luck girl

I don't disagree, AnneR.  I think Pittpanther's experience is going to be a little different though in that she's (initially) coming over for a one year university course -- so I'm thinking that in itself will allow her to meet loads more people (I'm so envious!).   Also she still has her regular job to return to...plus she's so much younger than an old crank like me!   If she has concerns/insecurities about making such an enormous change, all of these things are working in her favor (as safety nets).

I don't disagree, AnneR.  I think Pittpanther's experience is going to be a little different though in that she's (initially) coming over for a one year university course -- so I'm thinking that in itself will allow her to meet loads more people (I'm so envious!).   Also she still has her regular job to return to...plus she's so much younger than an old crank like me!   If she has concerns/insecurities about making such an enormous change, all of these things are working in her favor (as safety nets).

Yeah, I can see what you're saying there, Carolyn.  I think those of us who came over as wives/fiancees will have had different expectations/experiences than someone coming over for a year.  I, too, had to look at this move as a "forever" thing.  If I hated it here, what was I gonna do -- leave my husband?!  Nope!  Coming over for a year of study will allow Andrea to get a feel for the place and decide whether she wants to stay here permanently (on the correct visa, of course), but won't tie her down in such a way that she might find herself stuck in a country she loathes in order to be with the man she loves.

I don't disagree, AnneR.  I think Pittpanther's experience is going to be a little different though in that she's (initially) coming over for a one year university course -- so I'm thinking that in itself will allow her to meet loads more people (I'm so envious!).   Also she still has her regular job to return to...plus she's so much younger than an old crank like me!   If she has concerns/insecurities about making such an enormous change, all of these things are working in her favor (as safety nets).

I came over for a one year uni course too!  But being a bit of an oldie myself I didn't meet many people on that course that I could relate to (they were all way younger than me with two exceptions and those two were quite a bit older!  ) Too true about having safety nets in place though!

I didn't think of it as a forever thing my plans were only to study and then move permanently to California....6 years on now I can't possibly think of being any where else ( well , possibly Canada)