My Mom is very upset I'm moving to England

Have they dished out that old chestnut about 'losing the freedoms we enjoy in the US' yet?! 

Haven't gotten that one from family or good friends yet, although plenty of acquaintances feel free to throw that phrase around...

My parents insist that Britons are more prejudiced against Asians (as the Brits call them).

There are racists in every country in the world, probably.

Hi,

I'm new to this site. My apologies but I'm not big on formal introductions. I have been an expat on and off since 1989, first moving from the NYC to Germany for a couple of years and then on to Taiwan for 5 years. I'm back in the states now but will be moving to London in the Fall; my husband is already over there since Jan. He's an int'l banker so moves around... :-) He's originally from Germany and we met 20 years ago when he was working in NYC, where I'm originally from.

Okay, in regards to parents acting out and being upset? Tell them to cut it out. You are an adult, not a child anymore. Don't buy into the guilt tripping and manipulation. Put your foot down. The sooner you do this the better. Of course, call them and try to get home once a year for a visit. Have them come over to visit you. Sending cards and photos are all good ideas as mentioned by others.

btw, there are not as many freedoms in the states as everyone thinks. I had more freedoms in Taiwan. This is a brainwash that America is the best country on the planet and the most free. What it is is a very convenient and beautiful country. Just my opinion from living in two other countries, having traveled to 4 other continents and extensively to 22 countries, many of which I traveled to up to 6 times for long periods of time. There are countries that have higher standards of living than the US, eh?     

My husband and I are world road warriors and feel blessed to have this life. Your parents should consider themselves blessed that their child is going to experience another country and life.

Best smiles

seagoddess - weclome! You have quite the refreshing outlook and the experience of travel and living abroad to back it up! Glad you found the site.

Thank you pittpanther...

I'm so happy I found it too. I wish I had something like this when I first moved abroad. 

Anyway, I was just thinking a bit more about this issue with parents giving someone a hard time or becoming stressed or overly emotional about you moving to another country. Parents are just here to guide us into adulthood. That's their main job.

And it's not like you are being sent to prison! If things don't work out with a marriage, a job or you absolutely hate it, you can always go back home. One should always have a little emergency fund and a credit card just in case you *do* need to leave. This might make a parent feel a little more secure or calmer--that you are a responsible adult and will know how to make the right decision and are prepared if there is ever a problem.

*Smiles*


 

When I first mentioned to my parents that I had applied for a Social Worker position in London they thought well ok, it might would be a good experience but my mom said that my son could not go with us, he would have to stay with them (she has kept him since the day he was born).  I said NO, he is my son, I gave birth to him and tried to explain about the culture he will get to experience.  So she kinda became a little passive aggressive and started to brainwash him about going to London.  I have finally got him somewhat coming to terms with it, although he is just 5 so that is still to be seen.  Now finally I am somewhat able to talk to them about us moving and now they say yeah it would be a great experience but I know that they are really heartbroken because I am the "baby" and have never been more than 10 minutes away from them. 

When the events of 7-7 happened in London, this really freaked my mom out.  I worry about when its time for us to board the plane in January how is she going to handle it since she has health problems and more than likely my parents will not be able to visit us in London so it will be a year before we see them again.

How was it for everyone else, I mean it is a huge decision to move to somewhere, wheres theres not that family support system.  I mean I will have my husband and our son but I am used to seeing my parents daily and my siblings a couple of times a week.  I guess as the time is drawing near I am starting to have some self-doubt that I will be able to handle the transition.  Any advice?

smcjbc,

Know that you will be a little homesick at first and you *will* miss your family. This is normal and may take some time. What I did was take videos of family, friends and my home and it's view. At the time we were living right on NY Harbor, so I knew I would miss that view of the water as well . I would watch the videos to stabilize if I had a rough spell.

Make a video of you, your son and your husband for your family too.

There may be some days where you'll cry, but that's okay, just cry it out. Take real good care of yourself. Pamper yourself. Make sure everyone is getting plenty of cuddle time together. If you need to talk with a therapist, don't think twice about it. Write letters to everyone. Not just emails, hand written letters. They will love it and it will be a good release for you. Make sure you have plenty of their photos in frames around, so you still have the visual aspect of them. Make sure your son is being socialized with other kids. And don't be surprised if your son handles it better than you do. *warm smile* 

Your new support system will be your new friends. You have friends here too. If your Mom is of ill health? Are you sure you want to say your goodbyes at the airport? Consider saying goodbye at home.

Hope this helps.

My apologies if I came off cold on this issue. I'm actually coming from a very warm place--

My mother?

She went totally nuts. So I speak from some experience beyond my ex-pat life and world travels.

She lost it. She went ballistic. I had the coppers putting notes on my door saying, "call your mother."

hee

I had married a German man and she was screaming, "My daughter has been kidnapped by a Nazi."

Imagine.

At first I did think that it was a little abrupt, but you appear to have more travel experience than I do.  I have barely been out of the state of Texas .  But I felt that you were coming from experience and knowledge so no hurt feelings, here.  Thanks for your advice though!

Yeah, I may have been very abrupt. A bit insensitive. Obviously, a button was pushed.

My deepest apologies on my arrogance and insensitivity, again.

What I did was call up my Mom and said: "F*ck You! I love this man and you will NOT come between us."

I never imagined that I would ever talk to her in this manner, eh?

However--once I did? I hit the road. I was released. The planet was mine. I can now give plenty of advice. I

I still have much to learn, dear. Why we travel. 

Grins,
seagoddessK

I kinda did the same thing w/o the profanity though 

I kinda did the same thing w/o the profanity though 

I was very angry obviously. I had never used profanity with my Mom before. I was even shocked by it.

It was 'a paradox at play'. 

And well, she had done it before....Why I say,"put your foot down."

When I moved to Tennessee from NYC she had a fit. Oh, I know this story.

Why I spoke out like I did; in some corrupt type of understanding.

*splash!*
seagoddess

I am in the exact same situation.  I did an intership this past spring of '05 and my mom called me at work one day, out of the blue, freaking out that I might move to England.  That was when I just had a Brit boyfriend and I hadn't even mentioned moving or anything to her.

Now, after telling my grandparents that I'm going to be studying abroad in England, my grandfather starts to freak out on me.  I'm as close to my grandparents as my parents really so I guess I can see why.  But then he starts talking about how things are so different and in the UK they do farming stuff differently (he used to be a farmer).  I was like how does this affect me?  He was just trying to think up anything negative to change my mind.  He said something to the effect that I need to stay in my own country where I belong.  I just about blew up but I stayed calm because he's 88 and I realize he's getting a bit senile (gotta stay respectful)  In the end I told him that the fact that things are different over in the UK is the exact reason why I wanna go over there and I want to experience something outside of the US.  He kinda just shook his head... quite the guilt trip.  I just keep remind myself though that it's MY life and not my parents' or grandparents'. 

It's sooo frusterating.  My DF and I want to move over next fall but I haven't really broken the news to my grandparents yet.  My parents have somewhat an idea.  I told my mom it would be for the short term but in reality, I have no idea how long it would be for.  Maybe I do want to raise children in the UK?  So we'll see, but I share in your frustrations.   

I sort of found it easier to deal with my mom because I didn't actually want to move here.  My husband applied for jobs all over the US, but didn't even get an interview.  His only career option was in the UK.  (I am still finishing my dissertation, and can work on it anywhere.)  It is hard to argue with that logic.  But she still tries.  She routinely suggests that maybe choosing your career is not as important as choosing where you live.  She combs the Miami Herald classifieds each week for jobs that we might be remotely interested in.  It can get a bit annoying!

But we talk on the phone every week, just like we did when I lived in NY.  I am still just a phone call away.  I do FEEL further away... but what can you do?  You can't live your life for your mom.