long distance "spats"?

 

Is it common for you to have spats/rows/arguments/misunderstandings and periods of non-communication w/your LDR partner?

I ran up against this about 2 days ago. It's really the first time things have felt negative since soon after my return.

In fact, I'd have to say I've been questioning whether this relationship is really a positive thing for either of us at this time. And that makes me very sad.
We just arranged the ticket for our first reunion visit a few wks ago and now we seem to be falling apart.

I'm "frazzled" as I've started a new full time job here, am mentally physically and emotionally exhausted... and can't really think straight

How do you handle this kind of thing?

Would the arguments have occurred if you were in the same room?  In other words, are you fighting because you can't handle the LD part of the relationship?  Or are you spatting because that's just what happens/you have PMS/he's in a bad mood/you had a legitimate disagreement about something? 

 

I'm not quite sure what to say...but I hope you'll resolve it.

I've never gone without talking to my SO...even if we fight. I'd rather us be fighting then not speaking.

I think it's fairly normal to fight with your SO when in a LDR.  I certainly did.  It's a lot of stress and sometimes I think it boiled down to feeling like, "if I'm not happy (because being LD sucks) then I don't want you to be happy either."  And then of course I wondered, "am I doing the right thing being in this relationship" because moving your entire life is a huge deal.  In the end, I followed my heart and it was better once I moved here.  Of course we still fight sometimes, but everyone does, so I don't feel we're abnormal.

Usually it's due to stress and frustration of not being together.  I think that in LDR, the other person's negative aspects become more highly visible & are easier to dwell on than in person.  In addition, positive elements are diminshed, because you're not 'there' to experience them.  Therefore, it's easier for the other person to get on your nerves & for you guys to fight.  A lot of it's also because miscommunication is easier in LDR - you might take something they said the wrong way because context is a lot more limited.

Would the arguments have occurred if you were in the same room?  In other words, are you fighting because you can't handle the LD part of the relationship?  Or are you spatting because that's just what happens/you have PMS/he's in a bad mood/you had a legitimate disagreement about something? 

Hi Carrie... the honest answer is, I don't know...but probably not, since this all started because I wasn't available to talk w/him one evening when he stayed up extra late to ring me. I was not expecting a call from him, we had agreed to leave it til the weekend..so when he rang I was out w/my roomies and in a loud place and unable to focus...
so I told him it'd be better if we spoke Sunday...

since then he sent one snippy email and that has been our only contact, which is not typical and really made me begin to question many things about our relationship

I'd rather us be fighting then not speaking.

I do not deal well with anger, unresolved issues, conflicts, etc.
I like to keep the peace.
I have always felt that there is NO place for fights in a healthy relationship.
So this is very hard for me.

Of course we still fight sometimes, but everyone does, so I don't feel we're abnormal.

like I said above, fighting to me has no place in a healthy relationship
minor disagreements, sure...
but not fights

I think I'm just getting to the point where I feel like he's asking me to make a lot of sacrifices for this relationship whereas he gets to have his cake and eat it too
It makes me angry

I don't feel I am getting what I need from him,
and I also don't feel like I can be who he wants/give him what he wants

I have always felt that there is NO place for fights in a healthy relationship.
So this is very hard for me.

Really?? One of the problems I had with my ex-boyfriend is that we didn't fight *enough*!  He would rather sweep problems under the rug and pretend everything was fine rather than get things out in the open and deal with whatever conflict we were having.  In my opinion, occasional fights are a necessary part of a healthy relationship- two people aren't going to agree on everything and will sometimes come into serious conflict, so better to work it out, I think.  It's when the fighting is nonstop that things get worrying....but there's nothing wrong with an occasional "spat" now and then.

I'm sorry to hear things have been going rough for you and I hope everything works. Relationships are all different, they don't all fit in the same mold so don't compare yours to someone else's.  Don't make any rash decisions and do what you feel is right for your relationship. You will have disagreements but that is usually part of it. Being so far apart I'm sure makes it harder.

Hugs

Andrea... that's a disagreement, not a fight

DawnUSA... thanks for the support

He is supposed to call me in about 75 minutes and I have no idea how to approach the very serious issues we are facing.
I cannot deal w/conflict. Literally. Anger makes me sick (this comes from my childhood).
But something has to be done... maybe it will be much easier than I'm dreading.
Send positive wishes for that...

I do not deal well with anger, unresolved issues, conflicts, etc.
I like to keep the peace.
I have always felt that there is NO place for fights in a healthy relationship.
So this is very hard for me.

Me either but I think the anger would just grow if I wasn't talking to him. Id rather fight it out than go to bed angry. It will eventually be resolved and I'd rather not go without talking to him.

In my opinion, occasional fights are a necessary part of a healthy relationship- two people aren't going to agree on everything and will sometimes come into serious conflict, so better to work it out, I think.  It's when the fighting is nonstop that things get worrying....but there's nothing wrong with an occasional "spat" now and then.

I couldn't agree more.

up4tea - I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time.
Like Andrea said, I do think disagreements are common in relationships.  Two people are not going to agree all of the time. 

I also think Dawn is right, you can't compare your relationship with anyone else's.  My bf and I have had a very rough few weeks, not speaking as much as usual, a lot of stress in our jobs and stress in our relationship which lead to snippy text messages and voicemails. When we finally both had a minute to take a breath and talk to one another we both admitted to being jerks.  Which was true, we both were.  I was a complete b*tch some days!  We both said that it would have been an easier few weeks if we were in the same physical place.  Once you have a moment to talk things through I think it will be fine.  I'm sending you good vibes! 

like I said above, fighting to me has no place in a healthy relationship
minor disagreements, sure...
but not fights

I think I'm just getting to the point where I feel like he's asking me to make a lot of sacrifices for this relationship whereas he gets to have his cake and eat it too
It makes me angry

I don't feel I am getting what I need from him,
and I also don't feel like I can be who he wants/give him what he wants

up4tea, how often and how loud do you have to say it before you listen to your own words and follow your instinct? These are similar statements you were making the first time around and now you are saying it again. Gather the courage you know you have in you and end it. There are other men waiting down the road perfect for you and if this dude can't see it, well his loss. You are better than that.

(this was said with much love and hopefully a kick in the pants  )

well said, jklm.