Emotional support from family

I was just wondering if any one had to cope with family members (mothers?!) not supporting your decision to move to the UK? Mine is very manipulative at times (as I am her emotional crutch and she is afraid of me leaving) and says things like "Your father will die if you take his grandchildren away from him, and then how will you feel?" Also, I met my fiance online, and though we have been together for almost 2 years and they have visited with him a few times and like him a lot, she still keeps saying things like "Why do you have to be so picky? Why can't you be happy with some local man?"

So, she is supportive one minute...then not the next.

Just wondering if anyone else has had to live through the "guilt."

Oh my, I hear ya on this one!!!  My mother is fairly supportive, but my father is one huge disaster.  He doesn't like my fiance, and is trying to sabotage it because he'll take his only daughter away from him.  Also, my fiance is Catholic and I'm Lutheran, so that's the end of the world in his opinion.  We only got engaged on New Year's Eve, and it seems like I've been engaged a century.  I am now dreading my wedding and all the planning that will go with it.

We were planning a wedding in a year's time, but my dad seems to think he can stop us by just saying he doesn't approve.  He actually told me to date other men, because Steven might not be right for me.  Of course, I've gotten the whole "there's lots of nice American boys around here."  Or even better, they tried to pawn me off on my older brother's friend because he's Canadian...so since he's foreign, I should want to leap into his arms...hmm yeah right.  Ok, now my dad wants a blood test and physical done on my fiance because he's convinced that all boys over there sleep around, and so on....I'm so insulted and upset over the situation that I just don't know what to do.  My fiance is very family orientated, and gets along fine with my mom, but is on the verge of telling my dad to f@#% off and to not come to the wedding.

It'll get better with time though, right?!?!

 No your not alone there.The first time I went to England my family tried to cause a lot of problems about it.My Mother,bless her has always tried to use the "guilt trip" with all of us at times.I used to get really upset with her.Over the years I  have come to realize that she is just that way,and will never change.When she is scared or upset its how she deals with something.I have to just let her  have her moments and get on with it.

I come from a family who  can be very controling at times(myself included   ) Its hard to stand up to your parents. I mean unless they hadnt taught you any respect  ,then your going to naturally feel like you are a two year old with them!
They will always be the parent,you the child.

This time my parents have  taken our move back much better then before.Sad but supportive,and I still get a bit of guilt but nothing like before.

 You just have to "tune them out" to a certain degree,you know what you might have done as a teenager .Its hard I know to stand up to them.You just have to be firm but not nasty.

 Krissy your Dad sounds alot like my Dad.I would say to you the same thing.If your Dad wants to act like a child about this whole thing,and not support you ,then you have to be the same way towards him.I know you love him ,and you dont want to hurt him.In the end your fiance is the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with,so in the end,you have to let your Dad act a fool and you carry on with your new life.

I was in the UK for a year getting my master's degree, where i met my boyfriend.  In September i made the big move back to the US to live while my lovely boyfriend finished uni and the plan was that i would move to new york and when he finished he too would move to new york.
I was dead set on New York and a very dramatic week of a rejection from a job in new york (Im currently living with my mother in southern florida) and a lot of reflections about my relationship with my boyfriend made me decide that I wanted to move to London to be with him.
So I had a double smack with my family, Im moving to the UK *again* and by the way, we are getting married.  I think my mother cried herself to sleep for at least a week.  My dad knows me well enough to know that I will do whatever I want, and he is amazing and just said he would support me in whatever I do.  IM sure he isn't happy, but at least he is supportive.
I got a furius phone call from my brother when he realized I was serious.  He hates the idea of me going to London and hates the idea of me getting married.  It was really hurtful, but we have been dealing with it by not talking about me moving.  this allows us to talk about other things and when he is ready he will bring it up, i hope.
Ive found that the best way to deal with difficult relatives is to just be strong and set serious boundaries.  We are adults and make our own decisions, they may not like them, but dare them to throw away their relationship with you over something that YOU WANT to do and they wont.
Its hard and sometimes i feel like i have the same conversations over and over and over again but the obvious must be stated. "I make my own decisions and respect my ability to do so!"  They may try to push you around if they think they can keep you here close to them, but when they realize you are serious, they will come around.

Sounds like you have a good attitude about it all Lizabeth.  It's never easy to feel that you have disappointed a family member especially a mom or dad.  But once they see that this is what you want and you are being frivolous I believe they would come around too.  Will they or have they met your fiance.  I found that that helped my family feel much better about my choice.  They could see us in little moments.  They we touch, hold hands and care for each other.  Thats got to be more powerful than me telling them to but out its my life sorta thing.  

Good luck to you.

My family has met my beau and all liked him.  It was the issue of us getting married that they didn't like.  we are both in our early twenties and have been together for a year an a half.  Some family members (and friends!) think we are too young and its too early in the relationship.
I think that since they have realized that we are serious and we will do it because we want to, regardless of their disapproval that they came around and realized that family should stick together.
In this sort of situation it is good to let fmaily members honestly voice their concerns, then express to them that you have taken them onboard, have and will consider them, but will still make up your own mind about it and then they have to drop it.  
When people start getting negative and making comments that arn't constructive I stop them right then and there.  Its hard with family because you love them so much and often want their approval, but when you stand up for yourself they come around because they dont want to lose you from the family.

lizabeth...you have the attitude I need.  My dad is the live your life type guy and while he will miss me and thinks the USA is the only place to be he still supports me.  My mom well.....is another issue and will never accept any mate I chose anyways.  

The guilt kills me at times, but I need a bit more of your gumption.  Can I borrow it?

I know its hard, but DO NOT let people make you feel guilty!
It is your life and your decision.  People will try to make you feel guilty because they think it might make you stay, so don't let them guilt you doing into something that will just make you feel miserable and resentful.
Somtimes when the issue is a family memeber is afraid of losing you if you involve them in the process it makes them feel more empowered and as though they are helping you do something that makes you happy.  My mother's way of working out her sadness is to get involved in every little detail.  Its a bit overbearing at times, but i need to let her do it so she feels good about the process.
Just remember why you are doing this: to be happy and have a more enriching life!  Don't let anyone, ESPECIALLY family, mak eyou feel guilty about wanting to be happy!

Lizabeth, you are my hero, i wish i had your guts!!!!  I get the exact same comments, but never seem to have quite the same success with my responses.  I hate the "you're too young" comments...oh do they ever irritate me!  I know I'm only 22 and Steven is nearly 26, so we are young, but I don't think that we act like most of our peers.  

I find that pointing out that I already have spent a good amount of time in other parts of Europe (alone I might add) sometimes helps support the fact that I can handle the move.  my parents are beginning to come around I think, but it'll take a long time for our relationship to get mended back up.  

right now the biggest issues i'm dealing with are guilt trips about weddings and concern about visas.  i think my mom's afraid i won't get all the paperwork done correctly or that i'll get deported once i'm there or something.  

you're absolutely correct in saying that you need to let them know that you are serious with your intentions.  those people who disagree with me just don't talk to me very often right now or we talk about other things.  anyhow, i am aspiring to your level of gutsy-ness, lizabeth

Krissybelle, I think we are in a similar situation (I too am 22), as our families are freaking out at the reality of us really growing up.  Yea, its one thing to travel around a bit, but in their eyes quite another to get marries and *really* move across an ocean for a significant amount of time.

They need to cope with the fact that we (and everyone else who makes this decision, regardless of their age) are perfectly capable of making our own decisions.  Sometimes parents project their feelings of regret or unhappiness onto their children, but we all must get across to them that they can't expect us to learn from their mistakes.

As my beau said about my upset family, "We are moving forward and it is up to them to catch up with us."

I've just been engaged to my English boyfriend, who is lovely and gorgeous and with whom I've been deeply in love for the past 3.5 years. My family in Chicago who are equally lovely and wonderful and loving are very happy for me, but are very upset about my decision to move to the UK once I'm married. It's very difficult for me to get excited about this wedding when I know it is hurting people I love very deeply. What can I do to make this better? I am at the end of my tether. I feel as though the instant euphoria of being engaged has been suddenly rubbed away by the idea of the parents I love immensely crying themselves to sleep every night... has anyone out there got any advice?

HI Sarahjane, welcome to the site.  Its such a difficult thing for you and for them to adjust to but I think that is the important part.  Your parents had to assume you had two choices here.  Either he would come here to marry and live with you or you would go there.  Easy right?  But you decided to go there.  So that was a blow for them.  But they will adjust to it.  Yes it makes things very different but if you found someone from home and then decided to live in say the other side of the country - it would be the same.  Something they'd have a hard time adjusting to.  It's your turn at life now - wherever and with whomever you decide.  

Is there a way that your finace would consider living in the states with you for a while first?  Say you give it two years.  Then if things aren't working for him you try the UK for a bit.  If not, then I hope he will make many visits to your home so your family will get to know him well.  This should help to make the move easier on both families.

Lastly, CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement.  It's wonderful to be in love isn't it?  Enjoy!  Write more to let us know how you're doing.  Ok?

Sarahjane~  I feel what you're going through, as I'm going through it myself.  I really want to be excited, and I am, but there is always this sadness lurking in my mind.  Sometimes I kind of put off the fact that I'm really, really moving very far away from all of my friends and family and then I'm really happy.  Sometimes it just hits me hard, and usually out of the blue.  I just read a post where someone wrote about being glad that they got to spend some time with their mother, as they probably won't ever get to do it again.  Holy cow did that get to me.  It was just like, what am I doing?  Why am I moving so far away?  Am I insane.  No, I don't really think that I'm making a mistake in moving away, but of course I'm really nervous about the change.

I've spent a considerable amount of time away from my family, having studied in another state for the last 5 years and having spent a semester in Europe.  I hardly see them now, and I'm beginning to feel guilty about it.  Guess I was always selfish and saw my side of it...wanting freedom...never realizing how much it must kill my parents to hardly ever get to see their kids.  

It's the hard part of growing up I guess.  You have to realize that you're no longer their baby.  I've finally gotten what I wanted, to be an individual, free from being under their wings so to speak.  But you know what, I want to go back to being a kid.  The emotions of the move are going to tear both you and your family apart, but just remember that they are still always there for you.

Sorry, my post got kind of off track.  Guess all the reality of the move is starting to set in, even though it's still months away.

I wish my mother would try just try to guilt me into staying, but instead she says, "you can go, but I'm coming with you". Which she is totally not. But she convinced that I can't stop her. And I tried to explain the whole visa thing to her, but she doesn't believe me and thinks she can just move to another county.  I'm her only child...enough said. 

Danielle, from your post, I gather you don't want her to, but technically, your mother could join you here at some point. There's a thread on here about this somewhere, but if you can prove your mother is dependant on you, she can come. This may actually calm her down a bit... as you can say 'sure Mom, but not for a few years' or something like that. My mother is 60 and I hope that if we are here in 5-8 years, she will be able to join us then as I too am an only child.