Having a successful LDR

Hi, I know a lot of you on here have gone through the difficulties of an LDR.  Some have had bad/sad endings, but many of you are now with the love of your life.  What is one piece of advice you would give from your experiences to help with having a healthy and successful LDR?

Thanks everyone!

Spend as much time as you can with the person, when you can.  Savour the time you have together and don't fret about leaving him/her (take this from experience!).  Its not worth the pain of what will happen when the visit ends and will ruin part of the visit.

Save, save, save for the next visit and expect your partner to do the same. 

Be open and honest with your partner at all times.  Don't expect them to stay at home crying because you aren't there - that's not healthy.  Live your life!

Obviously every relationship is different, but if it wasn't for daily phone calls I don't think we'd still be together.  Three years is a LONG time to wait, but I'm glad I did!!

Being open and honest is a great piece of advice.  Don't argue over petty things and even not so petty things.  I absolutely will not argue with DB, b/c it is a waiste of the minimal prescious time we have to talk to or see eachother.  The distance is hard enough without arguments. 

Cherish every second you have together and make the most of the time you are together.

I am fairly new to this LDR thing (6 months and counting), but so far so good. 

Realize there will be arguments and that it sucks, especially when you're reduced to arguing over email or the phone. EVERY relationship has arguments, and LDR's are no exception.

Make sure you talk about why you're arguing. Alot of times DH and I would fight because we were getting close to a visit and that was hard to come to terms with. We were nearing the time we'd be able to see each other and all of a sudden we couldn't speak without having a fight. We were only fighting because of stress and anticipation and that's normal.

Be honest with each other about future plans. Have a goal in mind if you're serious about each other and talk about it. It's always harder if you don't have a date to work towards. A date for a visit, a date for a holiday together, a date for the end of LDR, whatever. But the dates make a difference.

LDR's can have happy endings, I'm one of them. DH and I just had our first wedding anniversary. It's hard and sometimes it felt like we'd never have a normal life, but it does happen eventually. You just have to work for it!

We were in an LDR for 6 months and that was before e-mail and cheap long distance. 

We wrote letters.  Lots and lots of letters. 

Communication is the key.  Keep it flowing..  We had a few blips which were due to lack of communication.  Add to that, he was in a new situation, in a new city where he knew no one.  I was still at home with everyone.  It was hard for him to see me going on with my life  when he was so displaced.  He visited me twice and then I transferred to his school and we moved in together. 

It's hard to explain how or why it kept going - I guess it was commitment.

We've done a few stints apart since then, once when I was pregnant.  It just sucks. 

We've lasted 20 years though..

Communication, communication, communication.

Use this as a time to really get to know one another. So many couples use environmental things to give them things to talk about and they can't talk about real issues and don't get to really know each other. You can't do a whole lot else besides talk while separated, so make the most of it.

DB and I argue, I would worry if we didn't. Arguing is part of working through your differences and growing together and we end up a lot closer afterward. We try not to sign offline until we've at least somewhat resolved the problem.

DB and I also argue a lot more around a visit time. We're at each other's throats a lot now and I'm going there on Monday. We both are ready for the LDR to be done, which it will in June, but this visit is bittersweet because we want this one to be the last one. In some ways it's easier as it gets to the end, but in some ways it's more difficult because the end is so near and you want it NOW!

Keeping goals is good too but keeping in mind that things change. Don't put everything on hold or put yourself in a position of feeling confined to a computer or phone. Make sure you live your life but are respectful of one another's feelings and levels of comfort with each other's friends.

Don't do typing conversations more than necessary. A lot of emotions cannot be conveyed well through text and can lead to misunderstandings. Invest in a webcam or mike and talk that way.

Say how you feel often and do little things like sending e-cards. The physical communication is missing so you have to work harder to do other actions and use words to make each other feel valued.

I agree with what everyone here says, communication!

DF and I have never actually had a "fight" per se, but we have had difficult talks.  Both of us talk well through issues and we have had some very difficult talks, but, like Scarlett mentioned, we hang in there until the issue is resolved. 

Another good thing is to learn to compromise (hey, this is good even when not in an LDR).  For example, I am the much more emotional one during the periods of separation while DF deals with his feelings of missing me by closing up and not really talking about it.  So, I learn not to constantly focus on my feelings of longing and such, and DF has learned to actually express his feelings of longing.  So, we reach a middle ground.

Respect.  Respect each other's time, opinions, decisions, thoughts, and lives in general.  You play a huge part in each other's lives but you have to realize that you are not physically there on a daily basis, therefore, families and friends often seem to "get in the way" and take precedence. 

Along with respect, you have to work on patience.  I want my LDR to be over now, but, the reality is that I have to sell my condo, DF needs to find a bigger home, my dogs will need to finish out their 6 month wait which starts in May, and things always come up.  It is frustrating but if you remain open with your partner and keep the communication going, you will pull through.

Don't do typing conversations more than necessary. A lot of emotions cannot be conveyed well through text and can lead to misunderstandings.

I know that all too well, lol. 

Thanks to all of you for taking the time.  Your advice is very helpful and I will make sure to remember it, especially during the hard times.  You all mention communication and I totally agree.  My guy and I talk pretty much every day and fortunately we've been able to talk things through until we both feel better about whatever was bothering us.  I know trust and commitment from both of us is what will get us through this if it's meant to be.  It's encouraging to hear about all of your relationships.

Realize there will be arguments and that it sucks, especially when you're reduced to arguing over email or the phone. EVERY relationship has arguments, and LDR's are no exception.

Make sure you talk about why you're arguing. Alot of times DH and I would fight because we were getting close to a visit and that was hard to come to terms with. We were nearing the time we'd be able to see each other and all of a sudden we couldn't speak without having a fight. We were only fighting because of stress and anticipation and that's normal.

Be honest with each other about future plans. Have a goal in mind if you're serious about each other and talk about it. It's always harder if you don't have a date to work towards. A date for a visit, a date for a holiday together, a date for the end of LDR, whatever. But the dates make a difference.

LDR's can have happy endings, I'm one of them. DH and I just had our first wedding anniversary. It's hard and sometimes it felt like we'd never have a normal life, but it does happen eventually. You just have to work for it!

I have not had 1 argument with DB...granted it has only been 6 months.  I guess time will tell.  There have been times that things were said or done that would have normally made me want to raise my voice or argue in previous relationships, but b/c I have decided that I don't want that anymore, I just don't let it go there.  To each her own. 

I survived a great example of how NOT to do a LDR.    It all fell apart after about a year. I don't think I would ever been in one again.

I would say honesty, communication, and maturity are three of the most important things in a LDR (or in any relationship for that matter!)

I have not had 1 argument with DB...granted it has only been 6 months.  I guess time will tell.  There have been times that things were said or done that would have normally made me want to raise my voice or argue in previous relationships, but b/c I have decided that I don't want that anymore, I just don't let it go there.  To each her own. 

No, I totally agree.  DF and I don't argue or fight.  We discuss difficult issues and choose not to raise  our voices.  Makes things much more bearable.  Will there be tough times, absolutely, but yelling about it never makes it better...

One piece of advice:  COMMUNICATE!

Communication is key in any relationship, but especially in a LDR.  That's the first thing BF and I agreed on before we undertook this journey. 

Everyone deals with conflict differently and I think it's how you deal with those conflicts that shows your respect and love for the other person.  You are two separate individuals and you aren't going to agree on EVERYTHING.  If you do, someone will always be compromising.  We have disagreements, but another rule we have is to talk it through rationally and once it's discussed it's never brought to surface again.  Don't tell me 3 weeks after the fact that something upset you - tell me at that moment and we can deal with it then.
I don't see fighting or disagreeing as a bad thing, if it's rare.  If it's all the time then there might be a bigger problem.

We also don't speak everyday and we rarely email.  We did at first because we were getting to know one another.  Now we catch-up 3 or 4 times a week and our conversations are longer.  When we spoke everyday I found I missed him more.

My LDR isn't very L at all (within the UK), but we're still about 6 hours' drive apart. My advice would be that when you do have the chance to spend some time together - whether it's for a weekend, a week or longer - try and make it as normal as possible. In the beginning of our relationship, my BF and I would treat our time together as a sort of special holiday, rather than as real life. It was lovely, but it wasn't real. Three years on, now we just do normal things - sitting around watching TV, cooking together, etc. It gives you a much better idea of what things will be like when you're together full-time.

(I know it's not always easy to do that because whoever is visiting the other one is going to want to do sightseeing, etc., but try and make some time for normal everyday life.)

We also don't speak everyday and we rarely email.  We did at first because we were getting to know one another.  Now we catch-up 3 or 4 times a week and our conversations are longer.  When we spoke everyday I found I missed him more.

There is truth to this IMO.  Everyday conversations are just that, everyday. It becomes banal.  but if you wait a bit, then you have more to talk about - it is more special.  Sometimes I miss those hour long conversations we used to have.