Cold feet.

Any words or wisdom in regards to cold feet? Things had been moving along very well the past few months between my boyfriend (J) and I…we spent a week together earlier this month, and we discussed me moving over around the beginning of Sept. In fact, up until today, I thought it was a go…
Yet I’ve also been having this nagging feeling that something wasn’t exactly right. His calls are shorter and fewer than before and I knew this past weekend that I had to say something. I’m not the type to ride things out, especially if it involves my future. So first thing this morning I called him.
I told him I felt him pulling away and haven’t gotten the feeling that he is 100% on board with my move. I know, I know, I opened the can of worms myself, and then I was shocked that he agreed.
He is scared. He doesn’t know if dragging me over there is going to work out. And he has a serious case of cold feet, much to my dismay. I guess I was hoping somewhere in the depths of my heart that he would tell me that I was being silly, and he would reassure me. But this isn’t a romance novel, and he agreed with me.
I think we’ve spent almost the entire day either emailing or talking. My best friend said that she was waiting for something like this to happen. That of course, one of us was bound to take a step or two back and say, wait, this is a really big move…. Yet, for some weird reason, I haven’t seen it as that big a deal. I am more excited to finally be with him, than anything else.
J has been married before and has a young son, I know I should have probably mentioned it at the beginning of this email, as I think it is a factor in him feeling the way he does right now. I went from thinking it was completely over today, to now waiting on him to sort some of his feelings out and get back to me tomorrow morning.  All I know is I’ve emotionally been through the ringer today, and wanted to know if anyone else has been here before?

Hi SF,

Im sorry to hear this... I know how it is being in a long distance relationship. I lived in England for 7 months with my boyfriend but had to move home because I couldnt afford to stay there. He will be coming here for 3 months at the end of June though! Being over there really was wonderful; our relationship flourished and we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

Is there any possiblity that you could spend a short period of time over there- like a trial move? Even if its for a month or two? (I know you probably have a job to consider and finances...) But I think that if you were to spend an extended period of time with him, getting to know each other better and seeing what life is like there (and with him!)... it would probably help you see your situation alot clearer. Just an idea!

Keep us posted and best wishes! 

NY 2 UK,
That is what I have now kinda put in front of him as an option. He has been so worried about everything being "perfect" for my move, and his worries that I won't be happy. I suggested a 3 month move over, just to test the waters....I think he is considering it tonight.
We are suppose to talk tomorrow morning. Thanks for the advice. As I really feel right now!

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you!    (I couldn't get my hug smiley to work.)
Hang in there!

 I really hope things work out for you hon

Hi there kitten!

You are me a year ago!  Seriously!  Richard, my now husband was freaked out!  He thought that because he would not move for me, I should not move for him. (Such a programmers mind!) We talked about it a lot on the phone, even broke up for 4 days (The worst 4 days of my life) When we got back together and Richard came to visit we talked about it face to face and decided that I would move.  He just needed some time to think things through.  We decided I would go for three months like you suggested.  He would support me and I would see how I liked living in England.  Three months went by and I went home, before I left Richard told me I should buy my ticket back there for November and he would come my last week.  When he got there, he told me on Sunday he was not proposing, on Monday, he proposed   Now we are getting ready to have our 2nd wedding in front of all our friends and family. 

I think you need to give it time.  The three month trial is perfect to feel out how you will be together, if you are compatible etc. Nothing is perfect!  Nothing!!!!  If he thinks about everything being perfect he will be disappointed.  I hope it does work out for you!  You know you have friends here, and a lot of us will be in the UK!  If you need to talk about anything at all, please feel free to email me or im me!  Anytime!!!!

I think what we all sometimes forget is that there's a lot of pressure on the partner that's NOT making the move.  It's easy to focus on the hassles of moving and adjusting to a different culture, and we sometimes forget that there are two people going through the process.  Your boyfriend is probably freaking out because he's just realized the gravity of the situation - you are moving your entire life to be with him and he's probably feeling tremendous pressure - to ease the transition, to support you, to adjust to living with you, etc. 

I think it's great that you've both acknowledged how you're feeling - you wouldn't want to move over here knowing you hadn't been completely honest with each other, would you? 

I guess I don't have any read advice for you other than to keep the lines of communication open and do "ride it out" a bit...give him some time to sort through his thoughts.  The "trial" move sounds like a good idea - you'll get a real sense of what it's like to live here and you two can adjust to being together full-time.  I think that'll give you a tremendous head-start on your relationship.  Good luck!   

Phil also wanted everything to be "perfect" for the move.  And he was even more scared it was all going to go pear-shaped because I was bringing two children along and the last thing he wanted was to disrupt their lives or hurt them in any way.  (Which is more consideration than either of their fathers have EVER shown them...just more proof that Phil really was/is the right man for all three of us!)

It wasn't easy trying to convince him that it was all going to work out without seeming desperate or pushy.  There was never going to be a "perfect" time - we just hadn't lived our whole lives planning for this one moment and so both our lives were a little messy and confused and it was foolish to think either of us could ever get everything "perfect."

I think, like everyone else has said, that the *cold feet* is a normal part of the process.  You're in the US making all sorts of plans and having to change your whole life - and suddenly it hits the partner who is in the UK and doesn't have to change much of anything except maybe make some more room in his wardrobe (or so he thinks - actually, you'll end up getting the ENTIRE wardrobe!    ).

I think part of why we have fallen for our men is that they are sensitive and emotional on a level we haven't really experienced with American men.  And they aren't filled with as much male conceit, either.  So when it hits them that some woman is willing to give up her entire life and move 4,000 + miles away from her family, friends and Taco Bell to live with him...well, he starts to feel the pressure of making it all work and doesn't feel quite up to the task.  And doesn't feel quite worth the effort.

And I think that's what it comes down to in most situations like these.  He's scared you're going to end up hating/blaming him if he doesn't make your life here in the UK absolutely mind-blowing so you don't miss everything/everyone you left behind.

You'll get through this.  And remember that we're all here for you and most of us have been down this path before...and we survived in our own ways! 

So when it hits them that some woman is willing to give up her entire life and move 4,000 + miles away from her family, friends and Taco Bell to live with him...

  mmm...taco  bell....mmm   

  mmm...taco  bell....mmm   

  I was thinking of you when I wrote it that way! 

He's scared you're going to end up hating/blaming him if he doesn't make your life here in the UK absolutely mind-blowing so you don't miss everything/everyone you left behind.

This is exactly what my fiance was going through... worried that if I'm unhappy I'd end up blaming him for making me do this. I just had to reassure him that in the end it's MY decision to choose a path for my life. He made the invitation, but it was my choice in the end...

Making the move this Sunday 

Thank you everyone for sharing...things are pretty much the same. Although, I do feel like he has turned the tables on me. Yesterday when I called him and told him I felt the distance, I expected him to tell me how much he loved me and wanted it to work out. When he didn't and he said he had some serious cold feet, well I told him he had a out. If he wanted out of the relationship, that he should just tell me and let me go...This morning he said the same thing to me. I guess neither of us wants to lose the other?

He said that he has been going along with all my plans because he doesn't want to lose me, but at the same time, he doesn't think he can make all the changes he needs to make in my time frame. I guess I am totally afraid that he wants his cake and eat it too sort of thing. I mean it is exciting and fun...traveling to see one another, but how long can that go on? At some point he is going to have to incorporate me into his life.

I am tempted to take a break. I don't know why, but perhaps I am thinking that if he sees what his life is like without me in it, he will wake up and realize what I mean to him. Could be a big gamble, I know. But he is booking a flight over to see me next weekend, so maybe we should just take some time to ourselves until he arrives next week?

He is suppose to call me any minute now, so we can finish hashing things out...I will more than likely post again later this morning.

How long have you two been dating?  Just out of curiosity.

He said that he has been going along with all my plans because he doesn't want to lose me, but at the same time, he doesn't think he can make all the changes he needs to make in my time frame. I guess I am totally afraid that he wants his cake and eat it too sort of thing. I mean it is exciting and fun...traveling to see one another, but how long can that go on? At some point he is going to have to incorporate me into his life.

Well, what's your time frame?  Do you want this done in a month?  A year?  Is it possible that you're rushing him (or that he feels that you're rushing him)?  Maybe he's just not ready yet...are you wanting to get married in September, or just move over in September?  Maybe going the fiancee' visa route would help--you'd have six months (from the date of issue) to get settled and comfortable before getting married.  Would taking the immediate pressure of marriage off the table for a while help him to relax and enjoy being with you? 

How much time have you spent together so far?  If the answer is "not a whole lot", then maybe you do need to do the trial move.  No pressure, just time to get settled and get to know each other on a day-to-day basis. 

We've been together 10 months...The whole marriage thing hasn't been discussed in detail. He just knows that "someday" I want to be married. He (up until he met me) didn't ever want to get married again. He said that he would at some point marry me, that I meant that much to him, but he needed time to get use to the idea. Not so romantic, but coming from a man bitter from divorce, I thought at the time it was a good step.
The September date was set as to when I would move over there. Permanently. And honestly, maybe that is a BIG HUGE step that I have been thinking was no big deal.
I guess my fear is that by giving him more time, I am saying that I will wait around forever for you....
On top of all the distance and everything, I am still an insecure girl, afraid of what my next move should be...