Just need to vent a little

DH, however, still considers his parents' house his permanent residence, despite him having gone off to uni and grad school, and living in France for two years and Japan for one, he always comes back here, and doesn't see that there's anything wrong with that.

I do that too, actually - I still use my parents' address as my permanent address because right now, I am in the process of looking for a graduate job and have no idea how long I will be living in my current flat - I didn't want to change my address with everyone only to find that I could be moving again at any time. Once I am more settled and living wherever I manage to get a job, then I will stop using my parents' address as my permanent one, but for now it's easier all around to keep using it (also, I currently only live about 15 miles from them and they play tennis at the club down the road from my flat, so it's easy to pick up my mail and things).

I don't think any of this is a US/UK thing. I know plenty of people in the US who live at home into their 30s and always consider their parents' house home.

Pooky_girl, you and I are in similar situations. I'm 27 and he's 24, his earliest memories are of his parents arguing. He has also seen examples of really bad relationships in his family and doesn't trust any marriage to be good. To him Marriage=miserable + divorce. He always thought that he wanted to be married and have children, but last spring we started looking at rings. We were planning to get married this summer. However, his mom and step-father came over to visit and he talked to them about it and their reactions were horrible. They told him "It is F*$#ing ridiculous to get married at your age." Nice, huh? It ended up being exactly what he needed to bring all of his fears about marriage to the surface and I have yet to see my ring and I don't know when marriage will happen. My mom has terminal cancer, which makes it a lot worse. It's taken a lot of discussion and arguing, but he's finally realizing he needs help and is going to get it. One thing that really helped us is this book called Lies at the Altar by Dr. Robin Smith. It has almost 300 questions that this marriage counselor things every couple should discuss before marriage. some of them seem like common sense (and we had actually discussed all but about 2 or three of them before), but apparently not everyone discusses them. I found it best to make him answer first. Going through each of those questions, from a counselor who has helped thousands of couples, really helped show him that we were in a great place, better prepared than a lot of people, and the issue is with his fears. Granted, I think the situation with my mother makes it a lot more of a high pressure situation than it would be otherwise, but the fears would be there anyway. Good luck! 

I do that too, actually - I still use my parents' address as my permanent address because right now, I am in the process of looking for a graduate job and have no idea how long I will be living in my current flat - I didn't want to change my address with everyone only to find that I could be moving again at any time.

I do too, and did even when I didn't live at home for exactly the same reason. I rent and my parents own. Since we lived in the same city, saved me the trouble of changing my address every time I moved. Eliminted lots of hassle when moving here too, since I didn't have to redirect anything.

Er...I'll be 30 in August, and my permanent address is with my mom.  Granted, I haven't been home much this past year between trips and all, but when I go home on April 6, it will be to my mom's house.  For her and I, it just is easier to split the costs of sharing a house over each of us having our own place, and it gives me the freedom to visit friends for months on end if I want. 

For couple age comparisons, Tim will be 39 in August, and I'm his first everything.  But, for him being inexperienced, I think he's come a long way in the past few months!

Thanks for all the support girls! My best girlfriend just move to the other side of the country and I feel a bit alone/lost. Gonna miss my friends from home... is jut not the same without girlfriends.

Belita, thank you for your post  . I will look for the book!! Good thing is my BF's two older half-brothers have amazing marriages (they have a 9 year gap) and they adore their kids. There wives are great girls, best friends, just what a marriage should be (or what I grew up knowing). But I'm afraid of what just happened to you. Her mother is against getting married young, and don't even talk about kids! She loves her grand kids but she is in no way agreeing on having kids before 30-something (which I totally agree, I'm not a kid person... I don't see myself having babies  )... so she will totally loved the idea of us living together, buying or stuff. But not sure she is going to support the idea of his son getting married before 30.

About the parents thing. My permanent address is still my parents. Even though I moved out at 17 to go to collage. My mom gets very upset when I say "your house", she replies with a very moody "OUR house, this will always be your home too, even if you get married". Awwww... I love her for that. My BF is similar, his important stuff gets deliver to his parents'. They still take care of him in a certain way, even if they don't work as a couple, at least they are good parents. Wish he hadn't grew up with all the shouting/arguing part 

Her mother is against getting married young, and don't even talk about kids! She loves her grand kids but she is in no way agreeing on having kids before 30-something (which I totally agree, I'm not a kid person... I don't see myself having babies  )... so she will totally loved the idea of us living together, buying or stuff. But not sure she is going to support the idea of his son getting married before 30.

This part is exactly how he was raised. Hypocritical, I think, since his step-father was DB's age when marrying DB's mother. I think DB was 6 at the time. His father's side is asking about when we'll get married, though. It's just his mum's side, which is the side he was raised by. 

Hopefully the older brothers help out your situation!

At first I was worried about my fiance not wanting to get married because of his own divorce But I think for him, the more painful part was what lead to the divorce (without divulging too much info, his ex ended up leaving him after 10 years of keeping secrets and doing things she shouldn't have) and that was what hurt more than filing for the divorce and going through with it. I thought he was gonna explode into confetti when he actually got the papers finalizing the divorce, actually

So, I think for him it was more avoiding a situation where he couldn't trust his partner, and I can't really lie to him over anything let alone something like that--he knows I have a horrible conscience most of the time. So he felt comfortable enough to finally pop the question; I think he realized he wanted me there after I had first visited and left in March-May of 2008.

And for age comparisons (since everyone is doing them, lol) I'm going to be 24 in May, and he just turned 38 yesterday, but it doesn't seem that he's almost 40. He's a very responsible bloke, but sometimes he acts like he's closer to my age than his, but it seems to work out just right for me

I have had the same thought!!  I just don't want to drag him into something that's gonna make him unhappy. But... we are all agreeing on this: we are not in the normal position of "lets live together and get married when we feel like it". I want it for the security that nothing is gonna keep us apart in the future, secure a citizenship and be able to build a family together without the fear of immigration controls. I get into panic mode every time I think of the possibilities of me having a Tier 1/2 visa and then extending it... it will be a nightmare all over again- limbo all over again!! Eeek!

And I know he's happy with me. His family and friends adore me... I just wish he had the same feeling that our marriage is to secure us being together. And not the feeling that marriage is the thing that messes up a good relationship 

But yeah, I know I need to have a calm, long chat with him. But really, I don't want to rush him or freak him out 

Yeah, I think my fiance got to the point where he knew we didn't have a typical relationship in a lot of ways, and that for us to be secure I had to have a secure immigration status in the UK--not just visits every few months, with months of being apart in between. I was afraid he was marrying me 'just for a visa' but he told me one day he doesn't need a girlfriend or a wife in his life, so he's not getting married just to get a warm body in his house--he wants *me* specifically there, and I had to remind myself that he was a big boy and wouldn't have asked me if he wasn't sure. Now I just hope he doesn't regret it once I move in 

Sigh... today is one of those nights that I really want to just say "we are over" (limbo attacks, hehe). Was talking to him today and it seems that sometimes he has no feelings what so ever. I'm his first GF that he has really loved and wants to understand and support in all levels, so we are learning together. BUT, man... he can be a moody guy, and I am not a very sweet girl myself  - I'm ridiculously sensitive. I know that man are like this, but being on a LD relationship is not helping to smooth the feelings. I understand him, and I know he's a worrisome man. After all, once I get upset or sad he melts down and he becomes adorable and supportive. Haha, I might a bit of an intense woman.

Anyhow, yeah. Marriage, visas, not a nice background with marriages. And he still wants me there... 

Hopefully the older brothers help out your situation!

Yeah, he looks up to his nearest half-brother. His like his role model, and the guy adores his wife. So I hope when the time is right he will be the one he will ask for advice and support.

First relationships are a bit tough anyway, let alone if it's an LDR on top of that!

As for the marriage for the visa thing, I'm so utterly thankful that my boyfriend and I are on the same page about it. He's still waiting on hearing about an interview for a teaching job over here, but unless that pans out I'm going to be headed out there. And as I don't qualify for a Tier 1 and don't have any special or in-demand skills for a Tier 2... looks like the EEA family permit is the best bet (thank GOODNESS he's Irish and we can go that route, as neither of us make loads of money).

We both know we want to spend the rest of our lives together and have children and everything, and while this is not the route we would have chosen it will get us where we want to be. And if anything, we can have an actual big marriage ceremony on our one year anniversary or something.

Granted, that's all if I think I want to live out there. At least I'll be out there in about a week and a half! YAY! So I can at least get a feel of it.

Everything is so up in the air right now! It's driving me nuts. Haha. I just want us to be together. And it kills me so much sometimes that we're not, and we can't just do little things like watch crap TV and do the dishes together like a normal couple.

And really, I'm jealous that the time difference seems to work better in his favor... he gets me in the evenings on his end (after work or after errands on weekends), whereas I have to chat with him in between things at work and I haven't slept in on a weekend since we started seeing each other... and my nights are spent lonely and wondering what to do with myself.

Right, I've just totally gone off on a tangent now. Haha. That's insomnia for you.

And really, I'm jealous that the time difference seems to work better in his favor... he gets me in the evenings on his end (after work or after errands on weekends), whereas I have to chat with him in between things at work and I haven't slept in on a weekend since we started seeing each other... and my nights are spent lonely and wondering what to do with myself.

Right, I've just totally gone off on a tangent now. Haha. That's insomnia for you.

I know exactly how you feel on this one.  It's 3 am here and I just can't sleep, insomniacs unite!   

Everything is so up in the air right now! It's driving me nuts. Haha. I just want us to be together. And it kills me so much sometimes that we're not, and we can't just do little things like watch crap TV and do the dishes together like a normal couple.

And really, I'm jealous that the time difference seems to work better in his favor... he gets me in the evenings on his end (after work or after errands on weekends), whereas I have to chat with him in between things at work and I haven't slept in on a weekend since we started seeing each other... and my nights are spent lonely and wondering what to do with myself.

Right, I've just totally gone off on a tangent now. Haha. That's insomnia for you.

LOL... I started wondering if I wrote this a year ago. I would get up at 7am just to talk to him for a half hour sometimes, never got to sleep in, but generally went to bed at 9pm, just because I was lonely and bored and missed him so much that I couldn't wait to get to the next day so I could wake up and talk to him again. At least he was at work while I was sleeping, and then he got to talk to me before bed every day!    It really is annoying sometimes, just being in separate places, I think most of us have been there at some point, and I have to say, it's well worth the wait.    Plus, I look back on those times apart as being special and romantic, even if annoying. There is nothing like missing someone for months and months to make you appreciate being able to hug and kiss them every single day. 

Sigh... today is one of those nights that I really want to just say "we are over" (limbo attacks, hehe).

Arg... I know exactly what you (and several others here) mean.  I'm a limbo girl too: about to turn 30, dating a 24 year old afraid of commitment, tier 1 post-study visa without the hope of extension.  The only way to stay is marriage and I want to marry him (for HIM and not the visa) but I know he isn't ready yet.  Do I spend the next year and a half here with him (happy but with that constant nagging, pointy, scary, horrible fear) in the hope that his commitment phobia will dissipate or do I move on or move back to the US?  I want him to be happy and I don't want to pressure him but he seems to think that another way for me to stay will just magically appear.  This birthday looming is not helping... 

Arg... I know exactly what you (and several others here) mean.  I'm a limbo girl too: about to turn 30, dating a 24 year old afraid of commitment, tier 1 post-study visa without the hope of extension.  The only way to stay is marriage and I want to marry him (for HIM and not the visa) but I know he isn't ready yet.  Do I spend the next year and a half here with him (happy but with that constant nagging, pointy, scary, horrible fear) in the hope that his commitment phobia will dissipate or do I move on or move back to the US?  I want him to be happy and I don't want to pressure him but he seems to think that another way for me to stay will just magically appear.  This birthday looming is not helping... 

  yeah, we are in the *exact* situation. That's exactly my doubts sometimes. Do I stay and then get back if he doesn't get it? Gonna apply for a Tier 1 PSW myself. But if I don't get a job over 31K, I very much doubt I'm gonna be eligible for an extension. Sigh... I think he has no clue of the immigration system. At least, on my side, we haven't gone through the immigration system together. I need him to be aware that is not that I want to push the marriage, if it's the only way I can actually make a career in the UK and stay with him. I'm not in the point of life I can just restart (professionally speaking) a random area. I already have my expertise, and I will like to feel some type of safe-zone in a company.   

Sigh... marriage is an awesome thing!! My parents have a beautiful marriage (next year 30 years together). The funny thing is that I've never seen myself married, didn't want to get married! The irony... but here we are.

But if I don't get a job over 31K, I very much doubt I'm gonna be eligible for an extension.

Yes, I had high hopes for that before but now I'm just happy to have found any job here.  Also, the whole sliding point system based on your age feels really unfair.  I understand why it is in place but the whole thing just smacks of discrimination (and I know as a American I really shouldn't be complaining about discrimination here). 

I completely empathize with you Pooky_girl!  What to do?  What to do?

Also, the whole sliding point system based on your age feels really unfair.  I understand why it is in place but the whole thing just smacks of discrimination (and I know as a American I really shouldn't be complaining about discrimination here). 

Yeah, I think it sucks that being older actually counts against you!