Can you love someone you havn't met?

When I love someone, Im stuck on them until they get rid of me. Probably one of my faults.

I'm a bit addicted to advice columnists (I think they are called Agony Aunts over here?) and feelings like yours is what usually breeds letters like "Dear So-and-so. My gf/bf/dh/dw doesn't spend time with me, stopped having sex with me, spends my money, goes out without me and cheats on me without trying to hide it. What do I do? I really love her/him!" And the Inevitably, the answer begins with "Why???"

You can't claim to love someone when being with them causes you to lose respect for yourself. At that point, it isn't love. It's a very very very bad habit.

For me, long-term love in the man-woman sense of the word is first and foremost respect:  for oneself and consequently, for your partner or spouse. 

Exactly. When people ask me what I'm looking for or what I value in a partner (or friend even!) my answer is always this. If you have mutual (and self) respect, everything else will fall right into place!

I'm a bit addicted to advice columnists (I think they are called Agony Aunts over here?) and feelings like yours is what usually breeds letters like "Dear So-and-so. My gf/bf/dh/dw doesn't spend time with me, stopped having sex with me, spends my money, goes out without me and cheats on me without trying to hide it. What do I do? I really love her/him!" And the Inevitably, the answer begins with "Why???"

You can't claim to love someone when being with them causes you to lose respect for yourself. At that point, it isn't love. It's a very very very bad habit.

This. I had to learn it the hard way, and I still struggle with it kinda with Steve from time to time. If you attach yourself to someone so completely, it can hurt a lot since not everyone is the nice type, who will see what's going off and let things go gently. There's a lot of people who will take advantage of it as long as you'll let them, until you either run out of what they want, or they find someone else that tickles their fancy who can give them those things as well.

I had a BF do that to me--met him in school when I was becoming a CMA. My mistake was ignoring the warning signs (he was 25, lived on someone's couch, claimed he had been in the Army, and admitted to cheating on his ex-wife in the past, but I was a dumb girl back then). He knew that I was desperate to have a boyfriend, and that I was lonely and insecure, so he took me for a ride; I found myself paying for things that I didn't even want, paying for movies he walked out on within 10 minutes of, helping him get a cell phone (because he needed one really badly  , etc.

And then once I ran out of cash, he got another girlfriend he met on the bus, or the bar or something. It was completely my fault for being dumb, I was the perfect person he could of picked to screw like that, but it still stung because I realized how dumb I was being way too late. But I wanted to attach myself to him because I was desperate, and I felt if some dude hung out with me on a romantic level then I was more worthy of something (not sure what, but 'something'). He was probably one of the most toxic people I've ever been with

But like Steve told me, if something he does pisses me off, or hurts me, tell him to bugger off; if we don't talk about those things, we'll explode and become a divorce statistic. And he's not like my ex, his first inclination isn't to take advantage of my insecurities for his own gain (it's not like he doesn't have a good job and can do stuff for himself). I think that's why we fit together well--I can trust him not to put me in those positions that hurt me, though I'm not entirely sure why he's with me (I've asked, but he's not very good talking about his feelings, he gets embarrassed kinda).

*turns rant off* 

One of my best girlfriends is miserable because she's all alone, but yet she rejects every guy we try to set her up with, i.e. doesn't even go out with in the first place because he doesn't meet her "criteria".  She refuses to try online dating as well.  She is convinced her prince charming is just going to fall from the sky and sweep her off her feet, like in the movies.  You just want to smack her and go "life is not a frickin fairy tale!!!"  She's 29 and she's not a daft girl, so I just don't get it...

Grrrr!  I hate hate hate this notion of "criteria" for a partner.  People don't have the smallest idea of what they really need, it's almost never what they think they want.  One of my friends from uni (a guy) was convinced that he wanted a tall, blonde, athletic, intelligent, independent woman.  He ended up with a short, brunette ditz who worships him and depends on him for everything.  The only one of his criteria she meets is "athletic" but they couldn't be happier. 

I used to think I wanted a tall, dark, wounded soul, who would be healed by his love for me (way, way too many romance novels! ).  Now I realize how utterly unsuited such a man would be for me, even if he did exist.  My DH is nothing like that, but he's exactly what I need.  People just need to let love happen.

I used to think I wanted a tall, dark, wounded soul, who would be healed by his love for me .

Oh, the wasted years chasing total screw-ups, convinced I was The One who would be able to rescue him from his depression....

 

Girls can be sooo dumb!

Vicky

Oh, the wasted years chasing total screw-ups, convinced I was The One who would be able to rescue him from his depression....

 

Girls can be sooo dumb!

Vicky

Were we once all 'soulmates' of naivete in a past life?   

Yes, I was going to save them, they were NOT supposed to drag me down into their downward spiral with them (with my full permission, of course)!

I remember one of the last affairs I had before meeting DH.  I met him in Paris, although he was a Yorkshire man.  I first 'met' him hearing him having a blazing row with this woman, who then stormed off, just a couple of doors down.

Well, whaddya know?  Off went my on-off relationship with 'JT', wnen he announced we were going to be joined in Chamonix by his ex-girlfriend and their mutual 'friend'.  He stormed off to catch a train.

As was my standard MO, and ever-grateful for the two years I'd lived in France and learned to speak the language, I thought, 'I'm off to a bar!'

As I was leaving, out popped Mr. Yorkshire.  'Where are you going?'

'I'm off to continue my downward spiral of self-destruction, care to join me?'

'Birds of a feather,' he quipped, and grabbed his keys.

JT was not amused when another man picked up the phone when he rang the next morning to check I was pining for him (but if the past is any measure, he should have known better  ).

GREAT story!  I always found alcohol played a huge part in my 'falling in love'.  I was about to recall a couple of stories but then realised that I post on here in my real name, so I'd better not! 

I am still good friends with a couple of my past screw-ups...It turned out that one actually could be 'saved', just not by me, and Dan and I went to his wedding last year.  But even knowing that I have no regrets about walking away.

Vicky

I'm still embarrassed at how much I humiliated myself in the name of what I thought was love, not to mention the time and emotions wasted.  I also can't believe the number of men out there who were just as foolish and immature.

When I finally cut it out, I met DH soon thereafter, and he's nearly 7 years younger than I am!


Oh, JT married a total bimbo and is now screwing around on her, last I heard. 

He was going out with her when I left, came over to my apartment and offered one more go in the bed.     Which I'm ashamed to say, I took.   

Oh, the wasted years chasing total screw-ups, convinced I was The One who would be able to rescue him from his depression....

 

Girls can be sooo dumb!

Vicky

Soooo dumb is right!!! I spent far too many wasted years with an ex-husband who was a womanizining, controlling alcholic. The best decision I ever made was to walk away and NEVER look back.

I can't help but think that it would have been SO much better had I met my DB when we were younger, but I don't think I could have appreciated his qualities in the same way if I hadn't gone through my bad experiences. It helps me see the important things with much more clarity and I know what qualities are the most important between us: trust, respect, and honesty. Nobody's perfect and we all have our faults and quirks, but knowing what's important in life helps me have a lot more understanding and patience with the little inconsequencial bumps of life.

I'm still embarrassed at how much I humiliated myself in the name of what I thought was love

God yes. I still have a hard time thinking back on some of my love-related exploits without wincing,

I used to think I wanted a tall, dark, wounded soul, who would be healed by his love for me (way, way too many romance novels! ). 

You can have my ex-boyfriend, if you want him.  He was pretty emotionally bereft, and not one to talk about himself in any emotional or real sense of anything, I somehow thought he would open up to me. Nope. Not in 11 years! But he did turn out to be a serious control freak who thought he could turn me into his ideal woman.    LAME. So, so glad that door has finally closed and is never to be reopened. He myspaced a friend not too long ago and asked her out, saying he had a crush on her the whole time I was dating him. She forwarded the message to me so we could have a laugh and then discarded it without a response. 

He myspaced a friend not too long ago and asked her out, saying he had a crush on her the whole time I was dating him. She forwarded the message to me so we could have a laugh and then discarded it without a response. 

What a d*cksmack!

I can't help but think that it would have been SO much better had I met my DB when we were younger, but I don't think I could have appreciated his qualities in the same way if I hadn't gone through my bad experiences. It helps me see the important things with much more clarity and I know what qualities are the most important between us: trust, respect, and honesty. Nobody's perfect and we all have our faults and quirks, but knowing what's important in life helps me have a lot more understanding and patience with the little inconsequential bumps of life.

I said to Tim once that if only I had known in 2005 he fancied me, I'd have dumped the wet noodle I was with for him in a heartbeat....but then I thought about it, and I think I needed to go through what I went through before Tim and I finally got together in order to appreciate him even more, not to mention be able to handle the distance. 

but then I thought about it, and I think I needed to go through what I went through before Tim and I finally got together in order to appreciate him even more, not to mention be able to handle the distance. 

Completely agree.  I once made an idiot of myself with a guy who strung me along for years and ended up with a badly broken heart.  But that experience taught me some valuable lessons about how to deal with men, and was directly responsible for me meeting DH, so ultimately I'm thankful it happened. 

What a d*cksmack!

Yeah, my friend and I just laughed and talked about how pathetic he is. I think in his mind, it would accomplish one of two of the following things: she might say yes, and then that would be great, or she might say no and tell me that he asked her out, which might piss me off, which would be ok, too. I realized that and didn't let it bother me one bit. I just think it's funny that I now have a hot husband who rocks and he is still all alone, pathetic and miserable as he always was.